When you are the fly on the wall

[Trimmer]

I've been dealing with my emotions pretty well I think. I only cry in the shower, how pathetic is that.

I find that it's the ideal place for crying. It's my first choice.

 

Nothing's wrong. I'm fine.

I sorta doubt that either of these is true, but I hope you find your way there eventually.

[LaylaSings]

I find that it's the ideal place for crying. It's my first choice.

 

 

I sorta doubt that either of these is true, but I hope you find your way there eventually.

 

"Nothing's wrong I'm fine."

Is definitely untrue.. I only meant that what I'm constantly telling myself, and at times other people.

[goodyblue]

You are doing your best to move on. I know it's tough. You're in a really precarious place, it shows in your posts. Try to stay strong and do what is best for you. It will take some time to get past this, as in any love affair that is gone. Jesus, remember in high school, breaking up with your boyfriend and still having to see him in class every day? I know we're older and hopefully wiser, but the proximity is the same for you. You're going to have to make a concentrated effort to let go emotionally. If you don't you're going to go crazy. Sometimes it's best to deal with things, talk about them, get them out there. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's best to just push it away and move on.

 

I hope you feel better soon. It's a tough gig you've got going on there. Much love and support in your efforts to end it and be happy in your life. Let us know how it goes. xx

[SugarHibiscus]

Thinking about you Layla.

[Waverly]

I have one good friend who I've confided in about my affair. He spends a lot of time convincing me that I'm not evil incarnate; that this doesn't define who I am for the rest of my life. Some days I'm more convinced than others. Objectively though, I know he's right, and it's true for you as well. You made a decision that could hurt a lot of people (and has already hurt you). But you're human, and human emotions are a strong thing, and you let that cloud your judgment. (I did too, so no judgment from me.) It's not the entirety of who you are. It's obvious that you're struggling with this, and that you're struggling with the pain this could cause. You're trying to do the right thing by ending it. I'm a hypocrite for giving this advice, but be gentle on yourself right now.

 

Your comment about not sticking to NC as being proof that he cares about you really resonated with me. I have that same twisted thought process, and three days into our newest round of (admittedly open-ended) NC, and I'm really struggling with wanting to hear from him. I, too, know that we are doing the rational thing by ending it. But having it end due to circumstances can feel even more unjust than it ending due to someone having a change of heart: you're not able to be together due to your situation, not because one of you fell out of love. It feels incredibly unfair.

 

I was in love with my xAP for almost a decade before anything happened. He was, in my heart, always the one I wanted. It's complicated as to why we were never together, but I'm having a hard time accepting that I will spend the rest of my life without the one person who I feel the greatest connection to. So, I know how you feel. But I'm trying to take solace from the other stories on this board, and from hearing that people do eventually move on, even if it takes months or years. People do come out the other side of this. I'm trying to also remind myself that I spent a decade without this person as my partner in any way; even though it's infinitely more complicated now, I'm still hoping that we'll be able to get back to a place where we can be in each other's lives and still be at peace about how things are.

 

I hope you're having a better day today.

[LaylaSings]

My friend.. ExOM's wife had been bragging all weekend on social media how in love and happy her and her husband are are I was having a really hard time with it. Not because they are happy. I want them to be.. I just have a hard time sometimes and I don't know if it's really jealousy or if it's just mourning or grieving for the loss of him I don't know.. But I can admit I do feel ashamed for feeling that way because I do truly want both of them to be happy.

 

Anyway.. I read about how happy they were in her words followed by two pictures of him .. She always posts pictures of him, he was on his own in them, huge smile, but not his real smile. I know people will think that's pathetic to say but it's the truth, his eyes looked dead in them and the smile so fake.

 

The only reason I say that is because he is such a happy confident guy normal, always smiling and when he smiles his whole face lights up his eyes sparkle.. I sound like a teenager.. I know!!

But it's the truth.. I was trying to deal with the happy in love posts from her by telling myself, he is hers, I'm happy they are happy.. Inbetween tears.. Then she posted those pictures and like a stalker I stared at them for so long, trying to convince myself just because his smile looked forced.. He was still happy.

 

Then I posted my rants here and I got a lot of encouraging words and advice that I appreciate and I manned up and pushed my sick jealous/grieving whatever they are! Thoughts away...

 

But then she came over last night and broke down in front of me, describing the weekend.. On social media she said they had a great time laughing and they are the definition of true love! She said he made her so happy and they had fun all weekend.. But siting in front of me she described a totally different situation. One where they fought and argued, where he didn't want to participate in anything she had planned, that they drove three hours to and from there destination in silence.

 

.. Then she said the day they got home he was acting totally depressed and actually asked her to leave for a while that night after an argument.. Which is why she was at my place. She said he doesn't want to do anything but work and sleep. And it's been almost a month of it. She said she's disgusted by him right now, that if he's just stressed out about work he needs to get over it.

 

She then posts a picture of him sleeping on their couch later that night with a cute caption about how even his snore is adorable to her

 

Texting me after to call him and ******* for choosing to sleep on the couch again...

 

Obviously her social media is an act.. A show. I get that. But it's still sometimes so painful. I wish I wasn't obsessing over it. This is not something I find healthy or enjoyable so why kill myself about it.. But I can't not look.

 

I know I should just try and push all these thoughts away. I know.

But it's really hard.

 

I want so bad for both of them to be happy but their happiness will hurt, but I think I could get over it in time.

 

I just don't want him to be sad because of anything to do with me.

 

Is he feeling down because of guilt and anger about the affair.. Or because he misses me? I know I shouldn't care but I do.

 

He has not tried to contact me and has in my opinion been avoiding me for almost a week. He won't be able to avoid me for much longer though and I know when I see him he will smile and light up like it always does.

Edited February 25, 2014 by LaylaSings

[cozycottagelg]

My friend.. ExOM's wife had been bragging all weekend on social media how in love and happy her and her husband are are I was having a really hard time with it. Not because they are happy. I want them to be.. I just have a hard time sometimes and I don't know if it's really jealousy or if it's just mourning or grieving for the loss of him I don't know.. But I can admit I do feel ashamed for feeling that way because I do truly want both of them to be happy.

 

Anyway.. I read about how happy they were in her words followed by two pictures of him .. She always posts pictures of him, he was on his own in them, huge smile, but not his real smile. I know people will think that's pathetic to say but it's the truth, his eyes looked dead in them and the smile so fake.

 

The only reason I say that is because he is such a happy confident guy normal, always smiling and when he smiles his whole face lights up his eyes sparkle.. I sound like a teenager.. I know!!

But it's the truth.. I was trying to deal with the happy in love posts from her by telling myself, he is hers, I'm happy they are happy.. Inbetween tears.. Then she posted those pictures and like a stalker I stared at them for so long, trying to convince myself just because his smile looked forced.. He was still happy.

 

Then I posted my rants here and I got a lot of encouraging words and advice that I appreciate and I manned up and pushed my sick jealous/grieving whatever they are! Thoughts away...

 

But then she came over last night and broke down in front of me, describing the weekend.. On social media she said they had a great time laughing and they are the definition of true love! She said he made her so happy and they had fun all weekend.. But siting in front of me she described a totally different situation. One where they fought and argued, where he didn't want to participate in anything she had planned, that they drove three hours to and from there destination in silence.

 

.. Then she said the day they got home he was acting totally depressed and actually asked her to leave for a while that night after an argument.. Which is why she was at my place. She said he doesn't want to do anything but work and sleep. And it's been almost a month of it. She said she's disgusted by him right now, that if he's just stressed out about work he needs to get over it.

 

She then posts a picture of him sleeping on their couch later that night with a cute caption about how even his snore is adorable to her

 

Obviously her social media is an act.. A show. I get that. But it's still sometimes so painful.

 

I know I should just try and push all these thoughts away. I know.

But it's really hard.

 

I want so bad for both of them to be happy but their happiness will hurt, but I think I could get over it in time.

 

I just don't want him to be sad because of anything to do with me.

 

Is he feeling down because of guilt and anger about the affair.. Or because he misses me? I know I shouldn't care but I do.

 

He has not tried to contact me and has in my opinion been avoiding me for almost a week. He won't be able to avoid me for much longer though and I know when I see him he will smile and light up like it always does.

 

See, I don't get this. Why would you want everyone to think you have such a great life, when you don't?

 

Be honest, be true. Tell people your struggles and I guarantee that you will make more friends. She should read "Carry on Warrior" by Glennon Doyle Melton ..just finished it, so I'm on this honestly crusade about what real life is like.

 

My marriage is miserable. I don't talk about it on FB. I don't say I'm happy, I don't say I'm sad. I post pics of the kids doing silly things, that's it. I just will never understand fake.

[LaylaSings]

I very very seldom post about my marriage on social media myself either. I over think all of this for sure and it does make me paranoid that other people are overthinking what I say and do too..

I guess I just mean although it's painful for me to imagine them happy and in love, I feel like I can get past those feelings eventually. But instead it goes back and forth and my mind just goes nuts.

 

I also hate thinking he's sad or angry or whatever he's going through, because of me. I don't want to hurt my husband or his wife, or him. I'm just a mess inside about it.

[spookysonata]

Don't you think the affair is the problem in their marriage?

 

Your best friend comes to you, as a friend, to cry on your shoulder and doesn't understand why her husband is acting like a stranger. When she finds out and looks back on that (and she will, because these things ALWAYS come out, whether 40 years on or tomorrow), she will feel like ending her own life.

 

I read your thread. Please, please get some therapy to understand why you have made such a hurtful, destructive choice.

 

Honestly, I would recommend confessing, then moving away and cutting ties with them. Understand that that is a huge change to make, but it may be the only way you will all eventually heal. Still, your betrayed spouses will be emotionally scarred for life.

[goodyblue]

Why do people think it's so easy to just 'cut ties' and 'move away'? It's not easy to find a new job. It's not easy to relocate your children. Get over it. She doesn't have to freakin' move away.

[spookysonata]

I acknowledged it wouldn't be easy. But the right thing usually isn't.

 

This is a mess of epic proportions. The solution will not be something simple and painless.

[rumbleseat]

I acknowledged it wouldn't be easy. But the right thing usually isn't.

 

This is a mess of epic proportions. The solution will not be something simple and painless.

 

 

Op,

without having t move, is there any way that you and your family could take a long vacation somewhere and reconnect away from all this mess? It would give you time away from the situation to think and gain some perspective. that will be really hard to do when you have to see them so often.

 

Take a trip, even if it's just renting a cottage for a couple of weeks. Leave your cellphone, and all social media behind. Enjoy the peacefulness and quiet of not having to deal with the aftermath of the A every day. Begin to sort your life out, figure out what you want and how to get it, and maybe even reconnect with your H a little bit. Find things to do that don't involve this other family.

 

I know you say she is your friend, but right now, she is not your friend. I know its hard to hear, but you have gone behind her back and hurt her. You don't do that to friends. Maybe, in time, when all the dust has settled and you've moved forward, you and her can reconnect. For now, between the fact that she is hurting, and you knowing its because of something you did, it only seems to be making yo miserable to be around her. Don't be around her.

[LaylaSings]

Moving is not even a financial option. Without being very very specific, our careers all revolve around the land where we are living, the actual land and place we live.

 

Obviously I know that the affair has been a huge problem in both marriages! That's why we ended it, it's only been a month.. I wasn't expecting to be over things this fast of course and really the painful emotions didn't even really come out until recently..

I'm just hoping it gets easier with time for both of us, because we do not plan to cut ties.

[ComingInHot]

LaylaSings, I've followed along closely and Really Read what you are saying about how you are feeling about the situation.

Now I mean this kindly but don't know how to say it gently, forgive me if this comes across cold.... The words you write about the feelings you have, to me sound like they'd be considered 'normal' for a woman who put herself in your position. Your Actions however, seem very sadistic and almost unstable considering the fragile, teetering on a wire, and volatile possibly Violent outcome when these Actions of yours (and Her H's) come to light. My God woman, You are SUPPOSED TO BE HER FRIEND!! You Can NOT Justify pretending to be her friend because you truly FEEL you want to and care about her when Your actions and continued actions are so very awful, towards Her AND Yourself.

 

What do you Know You Need To Do To Make This STOP? Be HONEST about the Actions you must take.

 

I SO want Peace for you LaylaSings, I Know it Rips a little piece of your soul apart every time you look, engage, hide and pretend. One day what will be left LaylaSings?

 

Be Safe*

[LaylaSings]

A vacation separate from them is definitely something to consider. I'm trying to hard to fall in love with my husband again I feel like he's trying really hard too but I know he will always be the same person and I don't know .. I just don't know for sure what I'm expecting.

 

All vacation plans are as a group as of yet :/

[goodyblue]

I acknowledged it wouldn't be easy. But the right thing usually isn't.

 

This is a mess of epic proportions. The solution will not be something simple and painless.

 

Of course it won't be painless, these situations rarely are. As OP stated, she can't move. The focus now needs to be on her healing.

 

OP, hang in there.

[LaylaSings]

I slept with her husband, probably about 20 times in the course of the affair, we shares secrets, told each other things we had never told anyone else.. He knows things about me that could destroy my image to everyone I know and I the same of him.

We both felt really guilty about the lies and the indirect pain we were causing our partners.. I regret it. It's hard even saying I do because I do love him. But I wish every day that we hadn't crossed the line. We risked so much.

 

I'm not just saying that. I feel it.

Some says I feel almost numb, the true magnitude of it all doesn't always register, but when the bad moments hit they hit real hard and I cry for hours about pain that my husband and his wife and our kids haven't even felt.. There has been no DDay and I have no intention of breaking no contact where the affair was concerned.. But I still cry and think about how awful it would have been for this to come out.

 

People always say things like this always come out. That's not true. I'm sorry but it's not. Secrets go to the grave all the time.

 

Many secrets are exposed but not all are, and I do not subscribe to scare tactics or guilt trips, I feel guilty enough. I do not believe this will be exposed.. At least not the physical affair. I acknowledge that the emotional connection we have can't be hidden forever. I knew that if we continued the chance of it coming out was huge, that's why I'm trying to move on. We both have stuck to no contact for almost a full month. That a long long time without being a long time at all! It's been hard, but it's very encouraging to me that I've stuck to it.

 

I want nothing but the best for her. So although I hurt her without her knowing I hope I can move on and that she can be happy and he can be happy and I can from here on really be the friend to her I know I can be.

 

People advise confession a lot here.. I don't know what world some of you live in but doing that destroys everything. A lot more that me and my affair partner, but our spouses, children and family, friends.. Everything. Honestly the better advise would be to divorce them and let them move on without confessing the affair. Which may still happen. I'm not saying that to protect myself. I just don't see how after what we have already done.. How confessing to throw salt in wounds that they don't even know they have, will help them. How would that be good for them?

[spookysonata]

In this situation, nobody can heal without major, major changes. If the plan is to spend the rest of your life pasting on a smile and desperately hoping nobody will ever know and everything will magically be ok, you're already screwed. Sorry.

[LaylaSings]

The thing is.. This is a small town. Both of us have dated other people in the town, some seriously, for years, and stayed friends after, because it was the only option.

I know because this was an affair and a secret it's different but I believe with time it's possible to move on. You don't have to stop loving someone to accept that you can't be with them more than a friendship.

[spookysonata]

oh, and a woman on another forum shared the story of discovering her sister's affair with her husband...4 months after her sister's death.

 

Yes, it might go to the grave, but it might not stay there. You truly have no control over whether it comes out, you want to live with that sword over your head for the rest of your life?

 

I might be sounding harsh, but I don't envy your dilemma. I hope it resolves in everyone's best interest. Somehow.

 

The lies and the secrets are the killers, though. With a legit breakup, at least you can talk about it. You have nobody to talk to except strangers on the internet. You are isolated from your rl support.

Edited February 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[LaylaSings]

oh, and a woman on another forum shared the story of discovering her sister's affair with her husband...4 months after her sister's death.

 

Yes, it might go to the grave, but it might not stay there. You truly have no control over whether it comes out, you want to live with that sword over your head for the rest of your life?

 

I might be sounding harsh, but I don't envy your dilemma. I hope it resolves in everyone's best interest. Somehow.

 

I see where you are coming from and I am not going to lie.. I will always wonder if people will find out. I know discovery is possible. For me I'm not going to expose it myself though.. I've ended the affair and I hope I can move on and not get myself sucked back in.

[LaylaSings]

oh, and a woman on another forum shared the story of discovering her sister's affair with her husband...4 months after her sister's death.

 

Yes, it might go to the grave, but it might not stay there. You truly have no control over whether it comes out, you want to live with that sword over your head for the rest of your life?

 

I might be sounding harsh, but I don't envy your dilemma. I hope it resolves in everyone's best interest. Somehow.

 

The lies and the secrets are the killers' date=' though. With a legit breakup, at least you can talk about it. You have nobody to talk to except strangers on the internet. You are isolated from your rl support.[/quote']

 

Yes. I made my bed and it's not so comfy.

Some days are easier than others and I just hope he's dealing ok and not hurting too.

[spookysonata]

re: being urged to confess

 

I agree with them. I think a good way to begin to gain back a smidgen of the honor and integrity you've thrown away is to own up to your own behavior instead of waiting to be discovered...shows you're trying to be a better person than you have been. You already hurt them all with your actions...they're just walking wounded and don't know it.

Edited February 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ComingInHot]

Oh LaylaSings, I can't even imagine what this is doing to you!

What I read is your continuing masochistic actions of engaging with His Wife, "stalking" fb pages, interactions of ANY kind. I can clearly read it is doing you NO good.

 

Im not even talking about "confessing". I'm talking about communications of Any Kind with either of them, period. For your own healing as well as moving on.

Again I read you sincerely care about His Wife BUT your Actions painfully reveal the opposite and should this "come to light" with or without a "confession". Just... God help Everyone sucked in, including You. If your Secret does make it to the end of your days, how will you... I don't know how to say it except to turn it on myself. The secret of Sleeping with my dear friend's H and having to lie to her every single time she visited, called, texted, fb'd something worthy of a response by Her Friend... it would destroy my soul with every look, sound, word, letter and picture posted. I KNOW that writing it out makes Me sound Selfish (thinking only how it would make me feel and what it would do to me) but it's the only way I could explain it*

 

It may sound drastic but I ask again, what do you KNOW you should do that would allow this charade to end and healing and moving on for You? ... Disconnect? End communications (painful or not with both of them)? Block social media? Build a 12 ft fence around the house? Look the other way?

You deserve to be happy and at peace! Any interactions with His W or MM will only force you to continue the lie and hold yourself back from what could be an exciting new chapter! (with or without your H)

Don't you want that chance? I want it for you

...concession... maybe I'm still writing as if you are like me when it comes to friends. I'm fiercely loyal and protective and would give the shirt off my back for anyone I thought of as a Friend. I forget sometimes not everyone is like that. (I even have a friend that considers friendship differently. She's loyal but doesn't feel as protective. That's for her family*)

[LaylaSings]

I guess my logic isn't logical to everyone and I do accept that. I am basing my feelings on the subject not only as a wayward spouse but my husband has stepped out more than once in the course of our relationship.. Before we had kids and before we were married, and minus the emotional aspect of it as far as I know but it was really hard for me none the less..

 

One situation I actually found out about a year after the fact and we had broken up briefly .. when I found out, the person telling me thought because it had been a year, and we weren't together when I was being told that it wouldn't hurt me. I remember that moment like it happened yesterday and it was ten years ago. Having to keep a smile on my face and pretending I was fine.. It hit like a ton of bricks.

The situation was completely different and not really comparable but still to this day, I just wish I had never been told. That's just me.