When you are the fly on the wall

[goodyblue]

I guess my logic isn't logical to everyone and I do accept that. I am basing my feelings on the subject not only as a wayward spouse but my husband has stepped out more than once in the course of our relationship.. Before we had kids and before we were married, and minus the emotional aspect of it as far as I know but it was really hard for me none the less..

 

One situation I actually found out about a year after the fact and we had broken up briefly .. when I found out, the person telling me thought because it had been a year, and we weren't together when I was being told that it wouldn't hurt me. I remember that moment like it happened yesterday and it was ten years ago. Having to keep a smile on my face and pretending I was fine.. It hit like a ton of bricks.

The situation was completely different and not really comparable but still to this day, I just wish I had never been told. That's just me.

 

 

Layla, only you can decide what is best for you. I know you are trying to sort things out. If you feel that you don't want to make your family implode by exposure, then don't expose it. It is YOUR life. There are ways to rebuild your life even without exposure. Those aspects of your relationship and what you do to repair them are yours to do. We're here to support you in your efforts. I don't believe in trying to convince someone, especially via an anonymous forum, to do something that could tear their world apart. Please, do what you think is best for you and your family. And yes, some secrets do go to the grave.

 

Chin up. You'll be okay.

[LaylaSings]

Thanks I know eventually I'll be ok, I just want everyone else to be ok too and I do want to do the right thing.

 

For me, and in my situation I think the best thing was to end the affair and move on. Try to just put it in the past.

[harrybrown]

You have such strong feelings for the OM, and it seems like very little for your H.

 

Go ahead, give it a try. The only way you will be with the OM is to tell your H or just divorce him. Then maybe the OM will divorce his wife. You two will be together that way.

 

Your H will feel like you did 10 years ago, and you will be even. You have already built a wall between you and your H so you could have the affair, lie to him and have all the emotions with someone else.

 

Try for your happiness, the two of you can overcome the odds that he would ever cheat on you just because he cheated with you. The OM is a wonderful man, more wonderful than your H could ever be. He did cheat on his wife, but that is in the past.

 

You do not have to tell him (your H) about the affair. Just tell your H that you want a divorce now. When your H has been replaced by the OM as a husband and a father to his kids, it will be the ultimate F U to your H.

 

But the best way for you to be happy and not to hide the affair is to tell your H, and divorce your H.

 

But if you can't tell him, file for divorce and give him the divorce papers.

 

However, if you ever once felt anything for your H, put a stop to the joint vacations. My friend committed suicide over some similar treatment from his ex.

 

Good luck with the your new life with the OM.

 

Do not wait any longer, you can start your new life with the OM and the faster you start, the sooner you will be together.

[BlueBobby]

Layla wow. You sound so much like my girl and I couldn't even read everything.

He knows you love him and you know he loves you even if you never said that. He's thinking about you and it's not bad thoughts. Stick to your guns because sounds like there was a lot of pain and maybe you need it to be over and I hope you have nothing but luck.

[SugarHibiscus]

oh, and a woman on another forum shared the story of discovering her sister's affair with her husband...4 months after her sister's death.

 

The sister is dead, so who cares? Not her.

 

Yes, it might go to the grave, but it might not stay there. You truly have no control over whether it comes out, you want to live with that sword over your head for the rest of your life?

 

Puleeeze. It's not like she has a body buried in the backyard. We are Americans and don't behead people for adultery. Let's be reasonable with our analogies.

I might be sounding harsh, but I don't envy your dilemma. I hope it resolves in everyone's best interest. Somehow.

 

The lies and the secrets are the killers, though. With a legit breakup, at least you can talk about it. You have nobody to talk to except strangers on the internet. You are isolated from your rl support.

 

Couldn't agree more.

 

 

I guess my logic isn't logical to everyone and I do accept that. I am basing my feelings on the subject not only as a wayward spouse but my husband has stepped out more than once in the course of our relationship.. Before we had kids and before we were married, and minus the emotional aspect of it as far as I know but it was really hard for me none the less..

 

One situation I actually found out about a year after the fact and we had broken up briefly .. when I found out, the person telling me thought because it had been a year, and we weren't together when I was being told that it wouldn't hurt me. I remember that moment like it happened yesterday and it was ten years ago. Having to keep a smile on my face and pretending I was fine.. It hit like a ton of bricks.

The situation was completely different and not really comparable but still to this day, I just wish I had never been told. That's just me.

 

I wish I had never found out too. When I did find out, I didn't want ANY details. I just wanted to understand WHY he did it not HOW.

 

You have such strong feelings for the OM, and it seems like very little for your H.

 

Go ahead, give it a try. The only way you will be with the OM is to tell your H or just divorce him. Then maybe the OM will divorce his wife. You two will be together that way.

 

Your H will feel like you did 10 years ago, and you will be even. You have already built a wall between you and your H so you could have the affair, lie to him and have all the emotions with someone else.

 

She was the only one building that wall, huh? He was valiantly fighting her as she put it up! It takes two to tango! (Or in this case four.)

 

Try for your happiness, the two of you can overcome the odds that he would ever cheat on you just because he cheated with you. The OM is a wonderful man, more wonderful than your H could ever be. He did cheat on his wife, but that is in the past.

 

You do not have to tell him (your H) about the affair. Just tell your H that you want a divorce now. When your H has been replaced by the OM as a husband and a father to his kids, it will be the ultimate F U to your H.

 

But the best way for you to be happy and not to hide the affair is to tell your H, and divorce your H.

 

But if you can't tell him, file for divorce and give him the divorce papers.

 

However, if you ever once felt anything for your H, put a stop to the joint vacations. My friend committed suicide over some similar treatment from his ex.

 

Good luck with the your new life with the OM.

 

Do not wait any longer, you can start your new life with the OM and the faster you start, the sooner you will be together.

 

I do so admire dripping sarcasm, but really? Clearly, she's trying to do the right thing and it's killing her. She doesn't need to be told to divorce her H. Maybe she will end up with her OM. Who knows? Not you. Not me.

 

I'm the one who deserves your ire. I'm in a very similar position and I'm unrepentant!! (Well, today at least. Yesterday, I tried to repent.)

 

I am head over heals for my OM (like Layla) but I'm not nearly as strong as she is. She can move past this.

 

I, on the other hand, continue to dodge bullets and am going to keep on running. (Until we catch a bullet. Hopefully, figuratively.)

 

(Sorry Layla for the possible thread jacking. Stay strong, sister soldier.)

Edited February 26, 2014 by SugarHibiscus

[rumbleseat]

I think that the sword over head head is a reference to the Greek myth of damacles, a man who erred and was punished by living his life with a sword over his head, never knowing when it would fall.

 

In many ways, that is apropos to the op's situation. A secret like this can eat away at you. You live your life never being completely free of the fear that it could get out, and the longer you wait, the harder it can get.

 

As I said before OP, you are too close to this whole situation. If you can get away as just a family, it will do you all some good. If you have to, simply say that both families need some alone time, and as you say theirs is having some problems, that should be easy enough for them to accept.

 

It also sounds like you are going to have to make some serious decisions about your life. Is this how you want to spend it? Right now, your kids are small, but what about when they have grown and are out on their own. Can you see yourself and your husband staying together? What is missing from your relationship with him? Is it something you can either find again or create, or is that not possible now?

[LaylaSings]

Seems me and him are in such a similar place.

We smile and laugh and have a good time when people are around and I honestly seem to be ok more than I'm not.. I have strong days, I feel ok today.

 

But his wife is telling me he's really down. He didn't go to work today. It will be a week tomorrow since I've seen him.

My mind is going nuts and I want so bad to text or call him.. But I won't. I just hope he knows how much I care that he's ok.

[violet1]

The reason many people say affairs are usually discovered is because one of the AP's often times don't stick to NC. I ended my affair, but I didn't stick to NC and that's when I got caught. I'm not trying to sound rude here, but with your situation I wouldn't be surprised if your affair started back up again. If you seriously want it to be over you need to work on yourself. You need to stop worrying about your OM. As harsh as it sounds, his marriage is none of your business. When his wife starts discussing her marital problems maybe you should change the subject.

 

The thing is Layla, you have so much built up resentment towards your husband I can literally feel it in your posts. My husband also cheated on me before we were married about 10 years ago. Although I forgave him, I never really let it go. I even used his past cheating to justify my own. I can't remember if you said you were in individual counseling or not. Are you? If not, I strongly recommend you talk to someone. Your pain is not going to go away until you start letting go of some this resentment that's built up over the years. Do you have a plan of how you're going to reconnect with your H?

[violet1]

Seems me and him are in such a similar place.

We smile and laugh and have a good time when people are around and I honestly seem to be ok more than I'm not.. I have strong days, I feel ok today.

 

But his wife is telling me he's really down. He didn't go to work today. It will be a week tomorrow since I've seen him.

My mind is going nuts and I want so bad to text or call him.. But I won't. I just hope he knows how much I care that he's ok.

Good deal, keep fighting the temptation and don't cave into texting him. You need to redirect your mind. Are there any hobbies you are interested in? Keeping busy with various activities can help keep your mind off of him. It honestly sounds like you're driving yourself crazy with your thoughts of him. Only you can stop this.

[LaylaSings]

Since I'm the one that initiated the ending.. But he didn't protest.. I don't know how to make things easier now. He's become really down and I'm not sure it's because he misses me or because he's still feeling guilty or what.

I just want to do the right thing. When it was me down I was always praying he would contact me. Not to start anything but even just to say he was thinking of me. I always thought men were different and didn't crave that kind of reassurance.

 

I don't want to resume the affair but we are friends too and I know eventually we will be able to give each other advice and comfort again.. As friends only.. But I thin now is not that time. So I'm hearing from my husband and his wife how down he is but haven't talked to him about it at all.. We have not talked privately at all in a month. He's not down as in depressed.. More mood swings and angry. I'm being told.. I haven't seen him in a week and when I did last he seemed happy.

 

Do I just give him space or do I let him know he can talk to me.

I'm more wanting to know from the people who have been the one down after the affair, not the betrayed spouses or really even the people that ended it..

Because I definitely know that not reaching out would be better for ME.. I'm just wondering how he is feeling. What he wants.

 

I just feel terrible that we are both obviously in pain about it and the only other person we know that could understand it we aren't speaking too.

 

Neither of us want to resume the affair I am pretty sure of that.

 

Sorry I'm rambling

 

Any ex MM here that can tell me what I should do?

Edited February 26, 2014 by LaylaSings

[LaylaSings]

Good deal, keep fighting the temptation and don't cave into texting him. You need to redirect your mind. Are there any hobbies you are interested in? Keeping busy with various activities can help keep your mind off of him. It honestly sounds like you're driving yourself crazy with your thoughts of him. Only you can stop this.

 

Ya seriously some days it's like a magnetic need to just send him a text!! I have too much at stake to send one though so I won't. I really gave no idea how to stop thinking about him. I've been running, up to thirteen miles some days and I still think about him during that! It was working at first but it's just been a bad week.

[violet1]

Ya seriously some days it's like a magnetic need to just send him a text!! I have too much at stake to send one though so I won't. I really gave no idea how to stop thinking about him. I've been running, up to thirteen miles some days and I still think about him during that! It was working at first but it's just been a bad week.

I understand, but with your circumstances though there's always going to be that temptation. Try new hobbies that require a lot of concentration. Maybe sewing, reading a good book, scrapbooking, etc. You're a stay-at-home mom right? Spring is coming. You can do a deep, Spring cleaning in your home. You can rearrange your furniture. Try spending quality time with your husband. Plan a few date nights, go on vacation. I think if things improve with your H, you won't pine so heavily for your MM. I also suggest you avoid any social media for awhile. Seeing his wife's postings is not going to help you. When you start to think about him and feel like texting him redirect your mind to all of the children involved. Think about how hurt they would be if your affair was discovered. Think about your H and your best friend. Think about how destroyed they would be. You can do this! Just remember that doing what's right isn't easy, but it's worth it.

[LaylaSings]

We tried to end things back in January. It didn't take obviously and now things are happening more often than they ever have. It's all more intense but at the same time more controlled.

We text a bare minimum. Never rearrange current plans to cheat by any means only when there is an opportunity.. But there seems to be many.

 

I am still a fly on the wall. Not proud of this.

She's told me he half heartily tried for sex if at all with her. He's angry at her, and 'she can't do anything right' , similar to how I've been with my husband.

 

Me and him do not discuss this kind of thing, we don't talk about them much at all when we are together but I do wonder if my husband tells him the same kinda of things she's telling me. In the beginning we both thought that this would enhance our lives. But it's made us kind of bitter towards our spouses (I do see this is crazy)

 

I'm really just venting. I don't mind opinions as long as they aren't attacking, I mean.. I welcome advice but am aware I probably am not going to take it until I have some kind of wake up call and want to end this. As it stands, I don't want it to end but I'm very very conflicted. I've been pulling back a lot from socializing with them.. As much as possibly considering our location and once summer is over I'll be watching their kids again.

[DKT3]

This is just so sad. The pain and shame that awaits the BS's here. Once this comes out, and it will, there will be no going back. You will lose all you care about, your husband, your lover (he will surely toss you under the bus) her friendship, the friendship between the children all gone.

Edited July 23, 2014 by DKT3

[spookysonata]

This is just so sad. The pain and shame that awaits the BS's here. Once this comes out, and it will, there will be no going back. You will lose all you care about, your husband, your lover (he will surely toss you under the bus) her friendship, the friendship between the children all gone.

 

Totally agree.

[spookysonata]

I'm afraid your wake up call will be a d day. Then you'll want to end it, but it will be too late to save your marriage and friendships.

[velvette]

We tried to end things back in January. It didn't take obviously and now things are happening more often than they ever have. It's all more intense but at the same time more controlled.

We text a bare minimum. Never rearrange current plans to cheat by any means only when there is an opportunity.. But there seems to be many.

 

I am still a fly on the wall. Not proud of this.

She's told me he half heartily tried for sex if at all with her. He's angry at her, and 'she can't do anything right' , similar to how I've been with my husband.

 

Me and him do not discuss this kind of thing, we don't talk about them much at all when we are together but I do wonder if my husband tells him the same kinda of things she's telling me. In the beginning we both thought that this would enhance our lives. But it's made us kind of bitter towards our spouses (I do see this is crazy)

 

I'm really just venting. I don't mind opinions as long as they aren't attacking, I mean.. I welcome advice but am aware I probably am not going to take it until I have some kind of wake up call and want to end this. As it stands, I don't want it to end but I'm very very conflicted. I've been pulling back a lot from socializing with them.. As much as possibly considering our location and once summer is over I'll be watching their kids again.

 

Do you realize that most of what you say is irrational? While you and MM are congratulating you on being such a great mom and you are thinking he's a much better father than your husband, the two of you are the most dangerous thing in these children's lives.

 

Sorry, but you will not be winning mom of the year anytime soon. Can you even picture how you could explain this mess to all these children while also convincing them you love them and have their best interest at heart? You are currently one of the worst kinds of mothers anyone could have. Mothers are supposed to protect their children. Every day you continue this you are endangering your children.

 

I don't say that to be mean to you, but to give you the wake up call you say you need.

 

Either divorce your spouses and live this love in the open or end the affair and commit yourselves to your M and doing the work to fix them. Why are you even caring for these children of MM still? You need to end that arrangement and cut all the other ties as well unless the two of you are going to move ahead with a real relationship.

[MuddyFootprints]

The flyswatter is hovering. I hope you are prepared.

[HereNorThere]

I completely understand what you are saying. Having an affair or lying at all really is something totally opposite of my character and not anything anyone would ever suspect.

I need it to be over.

It's not just me and him that are close, her and my husband are very close as well. It's not out of ordinary for him to talk about me to his wife and she does not and will not ever see that as evidence, he talked to her about valuing all of these things before I ever came into the picture. I just happen to embody those things.

 

No, it's totally opposite what you THINK is your character, but you are doing this so it's definitely part of your character. It doesn't have to be forever, but right now it is.

 

So you do realize your chances of not destroying everyone in both families is pretty slim, right? If you broke all ties with OM, got into intensive therapy, you might have a small chance at saving everything you have, but I have a feeling you think that you can forget about it and move on. Sorry, this is a life changing event for everyone involved, for the rest of their lives.

[SpiralOut]

If you haven't done so already, you should make up an excuse for why you can't listen to the wife's problems anymore, because really it's a slap in the face for you to be the one to listen to her marriage problems.

[HereNorThere]

If you haven't done so already, you should make up an excuse for why you can't listen to the wife's problems anymore, because really it's a slap in the face for you to be the one to listen to her marriage problems.

 

Meh, that's the least of her problems. Those kids bonded with her, so when they find out she destroyed their family, that's going to one hard road.

 

Wow, neighbors, friends, business, kids.. Man, you got yourself in over your head with this one. If you're not going to confess, the most compassionate thing you could do is cut off the relationship with the family. The more they trust and bond with you, the more messed they're going to be.

 

Still, honesty is always the best policy, even if it means you have to go through it. If you really love your husband and your friend, you'd be honest and let them make the decisions about their own life.

Edited July 23, 2014 by HereNorThere

[BeingMe]

I am still a fly on the wall. Not proud of this.

She's told me he half heartily tried for sex if at all with her. He's angry at her, and 'she can't do anything right' , similar to how I've been with my husband.

 

Me and him do not discuss this kind of thing, we don't talk about them much at all when we are together but I do wonder if my husband tells him the same kinda of things she's telling me. In the beginning we both thought that this would enhance our lives. But it's made us kind of bitter towards our spouses (I do see this is crazy)

 

 

Actually,this is par for the course. Often we hear WS blame the BS for the state of their marriage at dday. Truly, though, the marriage gets a lot worse during the A.

 

Yes, you're both getting resentful of your spouses, you're getting irritable at them, because:

 

1. They're getting in the way of you both doing what you want when you want

2. They are a reminder that what you're doing is wrong.

3. You need to resent them to justify your actions to yourselves.

 

Your marriage is basically at rock bottom right now, due to your choices. The only thing holding it together is that your BS don't know.

 

I can tell you that the worse my STBXH got towards me, the more I beat myself up/tried to fix things...until I started to suspect an A. Every day you are getting closer to dday.

 

Am I right that part of you hopes that somehow you could just swap partners and it will all work out? That won't happen honey. At some point either the BS will find out, or one of you will confess. Then your entire lives will fall apart.

 

Unfortunately, because you're lives are so closely linked, NC is going to be impossible for you. You will not be able to go cold turkey on him unless you move away etc. So I'm pretty sure that you'll not be able to end this without a dday: the dopamine draw of the A will be too strong.

 

Your real choice is...will you let the BS find out for themselves (very painful and MUCH more difficult if you want to reconcile) or will you be able to confess & tell the whole truth, every tiny detail (much better chance of reconciliation).

 

Whatever happens, your whole lifestyle is at risk. Honey, you're in a real mess right now.

[jwi71]

 

I am still a fly on the wall. Not proud of this.

She's told me he half heartily tried for sex if at all with her. He's angry at her, and 'she can't do anything right' , similar to how I've been with my husband.

 

Me and him do not discuss this kind of thing, we don't talk about them much at all when we are together but I do wonder if my husband tells him the same kinda of things she's telling me. In the beginning we both thought that this would enhance our lives. But it's made us kind of bitter towards our spouses (I do see this is crazy)

 

Of course you don't discuss it - no one LIKES face ugly - and that's what this behavior is - ugly.

 

 

And, I think what's worse, is that even though you can sit and talk with her (his BS) and see and hear her suffering. I cannot begin to imagoine how that woman faces the day - knowing that she can do nothing right - being criticized in her every behavior and mannerism and thought. To always be wrong - seeing as one doesn't use the word criticize to describe a compliment. He rejects her sexually - it is perhaps worse that his efforts are half-hearted - perfunctory - than to complete ignore her. Its very much saying "well, shyte, I guess I have to". How must she feel about herself. How must she wring her own mind trying to find and make sense of it. Trying to understand. And when she can't understand his ABUSE (because near constant criticism IS abuse) she turns to her friend. You.

 

Do you share with her H, your MM, what she confides in you?

 

What did she do to deserve to be so cruelly treated by him and by you?

Does her reaching out to you make you fell worse - or better - at how her life is - especially knowing, as many here can attest to, that A's DO make the BS appear "less" in the WS' eyes? That they become the victims of this bitterness and anger. That you help create.

 

I'm really just venting. I don't mind opinions as long as they aren't attacking, I mean.. I welcome advice but am aware I probably am not going to take it until I have some kind of wake up call and want to end this. As it stands, I don't want it to end but I'm very very conflicted. I've been pulling back a lot from socializing with them.. As much as possibly considering our location and once summer is over I'll be watching their kids again.

 

If you don't want to end it you won't. Its really that simple.

 

The wake call you you ask for - maybe it will come. Maybe it won't. Pray it doesn't - should this blow up - so much will be lost.

 

What do you think dday will look like here? For you? For your H. For your MM and your "friend" the BS?

 

More importantly - how do you think the children will handle this - given you (really both you and MM) dragged them into this as well?

 

How does dday, to you, look?

[notserene]

I really don't have anything to add here...except that I think your best hope is to try to end this as quietly as possible and to disengage. You have no idea how your actions are going to destroy everyone involved when (not if) you get caught. That includes you. The level of deceit involved here is breathtaking.

[Bittersweetie]

Layla, from reading all your posts, you and OM's families are so entwined that it's not a question of IF a d-day will happen, but WHEN.

 

So you have two choices.

 

1. Take control of the situation and be honest with your H. Yes, it will be terrifying. I've been there.

 

2. Take the wait and see approach. And live on eggshells, wondering when your world is going to collapse.

 

Good luck.