A warning for all men regarding valentines day.

[BradJacobs]

That's funny, we've been pretty much been ignoring it for 5 years now.

You've been in the doghouse for five years?!

 

[man_in_the_box]

No in the box obviously

[imtooconfused]

If you are in a relationship, and your girl says or has said that she doesn't want anything for valentines day....

 

She is lying. Its a trap. If you do not get her anything, she will at most be mad at you, and at the least she will resent you for it.

 

It's not exactly a trap... It's a trick, a test actually, to see how much you really love them. Anniversaries are the bigger test.

 

Don't fall for it (unless you want to be single on the 15th).

[clia]

You can't possibly know what all women mean when they say "Don't get me anything." Yes, some women may not mean it when they say "Don't get me anything." Other women may very well mean it. Those women might even get ticked off at their man for not listening to them. Men do this, too. So do moms and dads. Many people say "Oh, don't get me anything" when they really don't mean it, so don't try to lay this all on women. I would expect the man to be able to tell the difference if there is any communication at all in the relationship. And I would expect a man to say to a woman who got pissed if he didn't get her something to say "You told me not to get you anything, so I didn't. If that's not what you mean, then don't say it." That's what adults do.

 

Keenly -- I really hope that someday you meet a woman who you can love and trust. Your posts about relationships are just so sweeping, negative and bitter. All women out there aren't your ex.

[GorillaTheater]

I f*cking hate Valentine's day. Not because it's a Hallmark holiday, nor because of the loving aspects of it, but because of the pressure it brings to bear.

 

My wife expects at least some acknowledgment of the day. The fact she hasn't done anything for years for me on Valentine's day, really isn't here or there, but bugs me so it bears mentioning.

 

I have no problem with romantic gestures the rest of the year. Notes, arranging child care and taking her out for surprise dates, etc., no problemo.

 

But VD makes me feel like the spotlight's on me, and I'd better do something "special". F*ck ...

[Keenly]

You can't possibly know what all women mean when they say "Don't get me anything." Yes, some women may not mean it when they say "Don't get me anything." Other women may very well mean it. Those women might even get ticked off at their man for not listening to them. Men do this, too. So do moms and dads. Many people say "Oh, don't get me anything" when they really don't mean it, so don't try to lay this all on women. I would expect the man to be able to tell the difference if there is any communication at all in the relationship. And I would expect a man to say to a woman who got pissed if he didn't get her something to say "You told me not to get you anything, so I didn't. If that's not what you mean, then don't say it." That's what adults do.

 

Keenly -- I really hope that someday you meet a woman who you can love and trust. Your posts about relationships are just so sweeping, negative and bitter. All women out there aren't your ex.

 

Do you read my posts? I'm definitely not negative and bitter about women or my ex.

 

I was simply making a point that yes, this is completely ridiculous, but It happens far more often than you think.

 

I don't hate women, in fact I have a lot of respect for them. Its very easy to misinterpret the context of what I say, or more importantly, how I am saying it, through text.

 

I know what I'm talking about is hard to swallow, but I assure you none of this comes from a place of negativity, and I meant absolutely no disrespect with anything I've said. I mean none of it in a bad way, just a guy talking to other guys about how to keep your girl from getting mad at you on one of my personal least favorite holidays.

 

If you read my posts and you interpret them as negative or bitter, that's on you. Its certainly not what I'm feeling when I write them.

[Shepp]

If, at the end we get into an argument over the decision she made, then that prove that she isn't honest with me and, since that is the most important thing I value in a relationship, I will end it on the spot.

 

Wow - harsh..

 

So your saying when you mates have been like:

"hey, ltjg45, what do you want for you birthday?"

you've never been like:

"ah, don't worry about it".

 

That's not being dishonest, just polite! It wouldn't make me any less happy if they bought me a Ferrari, nor would it make me any less happy if they just bought me a nice bottle of beer. I'd think it was a bit tight if they didn't even buy me a card though.

 

Obviously some girls are more directly "don't get me anything for valentines" but I still don't see its something to get prickly about! Its just one of those unspoken rules you learn. Same as if a girl asks you if the colour of her dress makes her ears look big or whatever else - you say no, you don't hesitate - its not something to get trust issues about.

[Keenly]

The trouble you'll get in for getting a gift for a girl that actually genuinely 100% does not want one is faaaaaar less than not getting a gift for the girl that really did want one. Logically.. its the correct answer.

[Trimmer]

The trouble you'll get in for getting a gift for a girl that actually genuinely 100% does not want one is faaaaaar less than not getting a gift for the girl that really did want one. Logically.. its the correct answer.

Ha ha... OMG, it's Pascal's Wager!

[RedRobin]

I've told every man I've ever been with not to feel obligated to do anything on Valentine's Day... and sincerely meant it.

 

 

Mostly because expressions of love and care should not be anxiety producing affairs... If he sincerely wants to do something for me/us... I'd definitely show appreciation.

 

 

If he doesn't, it's all the same to me... If he's into me, he usually does something sweet for me around that time... but it doesn't necessarily fall on that day, nor is it 'traditional'. I usually tell him 'meh... just scope out the half-off chocolate sale for me. Thanks!"

 

 

As for me... I may or may not do something for Valentine's Day, but it is more about how I'm feeling or if I think my guy would love a little pick-me-up... less because it is a designated day or because everyone else is doing it.

 

 

That might be where some of the confusion might arise Keenly. Lots of women want to be treated... but don't want the guy to feel like he's obligated or to cause you stress over it. A few women just don't manage it well when the guy says "OK" because he takes her up on her offer.

 

 

It's about as silly as a guy getting upset if I don't have dinner ready when he gets home just because he knows I like to cook. I would not take it well if he said he'd be fine grabbing pizza, then gets pissed at me when he shows up and expects me to have a five course meal prepared instead.

[imtooconfused]

I've told every man I've ever been with not to feel obligated to do anything on Valentine's Day... and sincerely meant it.

 

I understand it should be sincere, but what would it mean if he didn't buy you something nice on VD? What would that mean and how sincere would that meaning be? I think it would sincerely mean that he is just 'with' you and not 'into' you.

 

Has that ever happened to you and if so what happened to the realtionship? So personally, I think you're "don't feel obligated" is still a test.

[Got it]

It really also depends on each person's love language. Mine is not gifts, that is actually the bottom, it is quality time and physical touch. Because I can buy me pretty much whatever I want most gifts fall flat. There just isn't "stuff" I want or need. But I like doing thing together.

 

But in regards to doing what she asks, my birthday was recently and I told him what I wanted. A cheese platter he put together (he does awesome ones), wine, and him by the fireplace. The week prior we were gone from the house for work and was going to be a crazy week so I told him and my family I didn't want to do anything but bum all weekend. That was it. No family dinner, no nothing, just no pressure from anyone to do anything I didn't want to do. Oh, and a baskin robbins ice cream cake (always had them growing up and its tradition).

 

So at first he books a trip (which normally would be something I would like). Now I am vacillating not trying to kill his good intentions but I don't want to travel for the weekend as we would have been gone all week, the dogs in daycare, to do it again over the weekend. So he finally changes it, and cancels. I said we can do the trip later but I didn't want to. All I wanted was the above.

 

So I do just the above but he still doesn't execute what I said. He wants to "enhance". To make it better. Not what I asked. So he gets upset that I get upset that he just doesn't listen to what I wanted/said.

 

So guys, maybe some women play mind games but many of us just want you to listen and execute EXACTLY what we say. For myself, if I say I don't want anything and then I get upset then I am being a hypocrite and a pain. So he has every right to bring that to my attention.

 

What I am confused by this, for the guys complaining of women saying one thing but expect another, are they getting you/doing anything?

 

My ex husband didn't like Valentine's day, thought it was too commercialized. So it has never been a major deal for me.

[Got it]

I understand it should be sincere, but what would it mean if he didn't buy you something nice on VD? What would that mean and how sincere would that meaning be? I think it would sincerely mean that he is just 'with' you and not 'into' you.

 

Has that ever happened to you and if so what happened to the realtionship? So personally, I think you're "don't feel obligated" is still a test.

 

I have and it hasn't. It we are both free and clear than that is fine. Or just go to dinner, etc. Whatever. Gifts just don't do it for me and 15.00 worth, no offense, really wouldn't.

[ltjg45]

Wow - harsh..

 

So your saying when you mates have been like:

"hey, ltjg45, what do you want for you birthday?"

you've never been like:

"ah, don't worry about it".

 

That's not being dishonest, just polite! It wouldn't make me any less happy if they bought me a Ferrari, nor would it make me any less happy if they just bought me a nice bottle of beer. I'd think it was a bit tight if they didn't even buy me a card though.

 

Obviously some girls are more directly "don't get me anything for valentines" but I still don't see its something to get prickly about! Its just one of those unspoken rules you learn. Same as if a girl asks you if the colour of her dress makes her ears look big or whatever else - you say no, you don't hesitate - its not something to get trust issues about.

 

To your first part, yeah, I have said that and meant it because I was used to not getting anything whatsoever on my birthday so I never treated my birthday as nothing more than just another day.

 

As for the rest, it is only an issue if an argument comes out of it. One of my biggest issues that I have is I tend to get into a lot of pointless arguments and I hate that immensely. It is one thing when it is just a discussion but it is another when she is showing emotion only because I did as she asks me to.

[Keenly]

It really also depends on each person's love language. Mine is not gifts, that is actually the bottom, it is quality time and physical touch. Because I can buy me pretty much whatever I want most gifts fall flat. There just isn't "stuff" I want or need. But I like doing thing together.

 

But in regards to doing what she asks, my birthday was recently and I told him what I wanted. A cheese platter he put together (he does awesome ones), wine, and him by the fireplace. The week prior we were gone from the house for work and was going to be a crazy week so I told him and my family I didn't want to do anything but bum all weekend. That was it. No family dinner, no nothing, just no pressure from anyone to do anything I didn't want to do. Oh, and a baskin robbins ice cream cake (always had them growing up and its tradition).

 

So at first he books a trip (which normally would be something I would like). Now I am vacillating not trying to kill his good intentions but I don't want to travel for the weekend as we would have been gone all week, the dogs in daycare, to do it again over the weekend. So he finally changes it, and cancels. I said we can do the trip later but I didn't want to. All I wanted was the above.

 

So I do just the above but he still doesn't execute what I said. He wants to "enhance". To make it better. Not what I asked. So he gets upset that I get upset that he just doesn't listen to what I wanted/said.

 

So guys, maybe some women play mind games but many of us just want you to listen and execute EXACTLY what we say. For myself, if I say I don't want anything and then I get upset then I am being a hypocrite and a pain. So he has every right to bring that to my attention.

What I am confused by this, for the guys complaining of women saying one thing but expect another, are they getting you/doing anything?

 

My ex husband didn't like Valentine's day, thought it was too commercialized. So it has never been a major deal for me.

 

 

This would be a different topic entirely, but there is a lot to be said about the difference in effort, money spent, expectations, and general thoughts on the differences of valentines day gifts from men and from women. Some one else would have to make that thread though... there is no way I'm kicking that hornets nest .

[Speakingofwhich]

For VD, birthday, Christmas, whatever I'll say, "Don't spend a lot of money," and sincerely mean it.

 

If he gets me something expensive, sure, I'm thrilled but if he stays with something thoughtful but inexpensive, that's great, too!

 

I confess, though, I do want a gift for Valentine's Day! And would never say, "Don't get me anything."

 

Some of the fun parts of getting gifts from someone you love are:

 

1. The initial viewing of the gift. Especially if it's wrapped. You have the experience of "wondering" what is inside! So, for a brief moment(s) your imagination gets a jolt of wonder!

 

2. It's another window into the heart/mind of your loved one when you see what they have chosen for you. Their choice gives you a deeper view of who they are and whom they perceive you to be.

 

3. When they're watching your joy at receiving their gift they're experiencing the joy of giving it so that the two of you are experiencing the same positive emotion at the same time and further bonding because of it!

 

4. It's a forever pleasant moment of remembrance of that person. Every gift I've ever been given, every time I use it I am reminded of the person who gave it to me and the love they have for me.

[Speakingofwhich]

This would be a different topic entirely, but there is a lot to be said about the difference in effort, money spent, expectations, and general thoughts on the differences of valentines day gifts from men and from women. Some one else would have to make that thread though... there is no way I'm kicking that hornets nest .

 

Have to say I enjoy reciprocity with Valentine's Day gifts (effort, expense, etc) though it sounds as if not all couples do.

[isisisweeping]

I do want something for Valentine's day.

Actually, I always like small sweet tokens.

 

 

But I haven't said I didn't want anything.

If I did, I'd be a little annoyed to be ignored.

 

 

My ex, I told him I didn't like jewelry and he always bought me expensive jewelry, and that annoyed me.

[clia]

This would be a different topic entirely, but there is a lot to be said about the difference in effort, money spent, expectations, and general thoughts on the differences of valentines day gifts from men and from women. Some one else would have to make that thread though... there is no way I'm kicking that hornets nest .

 

I would be shocked if my fiance spent more than me this year, since I bought him NHL tickets and had to pay big bucks for good seats on Stub Hub. But I don't care because he is going to be so excited!

[Elias33]

If the shoe fits?

 

There is a point to all this, and its not for women. The point is getting a gift for a woman who said she didn't want one ( and actually MEANT it ) will get you in FAR less trouble then not getting a gift for a woman who said it and didn't mean it.

 

 

I'd like to keep couples as argument free as I possibly can.

 

Better safe than sorry. I like your philosophy. Keenly for president!

[Els]

Wow - harsh..

 

So your saying when you mates have been like:

"hey, ltjg45, what do you want for you birthday?"

you've never been like:

"ah, don't worry about it".

 

That's not being dishonest, just polite! It wouldn't make me any less happy if they bought me a Ferrari, nor would it make me any less happy if they just bought me a nice bottle of beer. I'd think it was a bit tight if they didn't even buy me a card though.

 

Obviously some girls are more directly "don't get me anything for valentines" but I still don't see its something to get prickly about! Its just one of those unspoken rules you learn. Same as if a girl asks you if the colour of her dress makes her ears look big or whatever else - you say no, you don't hesitate - its not something to get trust issues about.

 

Well, I think that "Ah, don't worry about it" is different from "I don't want anything. DO NOT get me anything".

 

I had no idea people beat around the bush so much though. I usually say something like, "Oh, any little thing will do, it's the thought that matters" (which is true), but I don't say the exact opposite of what I want.

 

But, I see what you, fuji and Keenly are saying. It does logically make sense to take the past of least risk.

 

I just wish it were more acceptable and common for women to be a little more up front about things.

[gaius]

A lot of people like to feel others are getting them something because they actually want to. Not just because they feel obligated or you asked for it. Hence saying they don't want anything when they actually do.

 

I always say I don't want anything for my birthday. But I'll remember who doesn't get me anything.....

[regine_phalange]

Keenly, you are absolutely right for both things; I'd want something small and personal, and at the same time not very expensive. It's not about the amount of money, as about the gesture and the time one spent to find something in his sweetheart's taste. It goes vice versa as well. I always ignored it when someone told me he didnt want anything. I mean I know that when someone says they dont want anything, they say it out of politeness. Who wouldnt want a small gift?

[Shepp]

Well, I think that "Ah, don't worry about it" is different from "I don't want anything. DO NOT get me anything".

Haha true true, I was going more for 'relatable example'

 

I had no idea people beat around the bush so much though. I usually say something like, "Oh, any llittle thing will do, it's the thought that matters" (which is true), but I don't say the exact opposite of what I want.

It's a fair tactic!

 

But, I see what you, fuji and Keenly are saying. It does logically make sense to take the past of least risk

Aye it's just the safest bet in most cases, plus, for me - I like giving presents!

My girlfriend used to say she 'didn't do her birthday', and she was genuine about it, she really didn't. But I couldn't not get her something, so I always did. I must of been 15 or 16 the first time, and for my trouble I got a massive rant about she told be she doesn't celebrate her birthday etc etc - but she didn't refuse the gift and It made her happy whatever she says. To me that as the better result than just doing what she said.

To be fair though she's accepted I'm not gonna ignore her birthday by now, so I don't get lectured anymore!

[thefooloftheyear]

Hey guys...When someone asks what you got your wife/gf for Valentine's Day, just tell them you got her a pair of slippers and a dildo..When they give you the puzzled "WTF?" look, Just tell them .."If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fck herself"....

 

OK..Relax...Thats just a joke...

 

But really...The whole marketing behind this holiday is so dumb, and can be quite humiliating for guys..They(companies selling stuff) make it sound like if you dont buy the 5 foot tall teddy bear, the footsie pajamas with the hearts on them or the dozen price gouged red roses, that you arent going to get laid..its kinda silly, IMO..

 

Most people know what to do..And to resort to some "test" of your affection by playing coy and sending mixed messages is just kinda immature and dumb...If you are a guy, do the right thing, you likely know what twists her knobs..If you are a woman, just dont say anything..his actions will speak for him..And dont measure what he/she does on this one day...Look at the big picture.

 

.02

 

 

TFY