11 mos since the bomb was dropped

[rolo99]

For those that are unfamiliar with my story, here's my first post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/386641-broken-half-missing-my-best-friend

 

Basically, after 15 yrs together, no kids (by choice), he up and left after giving me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you." line. I never confirmed that he cheated, but always suspected. That was March 12 & he moved out 2 wks later. The divorce was final July 29. I did very well, but also brought in 75% of our total assets, so I still lost money. But as I told a friend, I'd trade all the money and assets to still be married. I got into a relationship in early July and moved him into my house in early September, knowing it was a bad idea.

 

I"m not sure how to explain what I was feeling. I guess the closest I could say was that after 15 years together, I felt like a limb was missing, like I almost had a sort of panic at being alone. I lived alone from April-September, grieving, drinking, crying, etc. I work from home, so there were days when I didn't talk to another person face-to-face. Some days I didn't shower or eat much, just drank wine. We were part owners of a wine store and had a nice collection. I drank most of it.

 

So I started dating this guy, Spanish-Mexican, never married, no kids. He treated me very well, but he was very different from anyone I'd ever dated, let alone my ex. When his landlord found out he has a dog & a cat, he was kicked out. Before I knew what I was saying, I said, "you can move in here." That was September. After about a month, I realized he is a slob, his credit is crap, and I was feeling sponged off. On top of that, eventually I realized that my grieving/healing had been on pause while he was living with me, so I asked him to move out. That was last weekend.

 

Now it almost feels like I did last summer.....lonely, bored, isolated from the world, but not much desire to change that. I have a horse that I drive out to the barn to ride. When I was married, I rode 2-3 times a week. Now, I have to force myself to go 1-2 times a week. I haven't been in 10 days because it's been super cold here. I did get a room painted because I'm trying to make my house (the place I lived w/my husband) look different by painting, moving furniture, etc. But on days I don't have much to do, I work, eat, drink and cry. Sometimes I work & cry, much like I did this spring.

 

I tell myself that this is the grieving that I didn't do while I was living with a guy, but sometimes it is the same gut-wrenching pain that got to having thoughts of hurting myself. One night, after a lot of drinking and crying, I reached the point where my pain was greater than my ability to cope, and I scratched my legs. I tried to use as knife, but couldn't do it, so I used a sewing needle. The really sick thing is that it felt "refreshing" and really helped. How f*cked up is that???? (note: it hurt like a mofo in the shower the next day!). I haven't gotten to that point again.....yet, but I'm worried that I might.

 

When does it end????

[melell]

Honestly it sounds to me like you are exhausted- not much progress gets made when you get to that point.

 

It is still just a matter of time, but I do think it is necessary for it to be 'quality' time- Focus on health, no drinking, maybe seeing a therapist, just doing anything that will be a help to your personal well-being.