Are we working out or is it a delusion?

[hermitinator]

It has only been recently that I started getting doubts about the relationship. Otherwise, we have both felt that we hadn't made a mistake by going back to each other.

 

We broke up the end of December, around New Years (dating for two years). We gave each other a week before deciding that both of us wanted to be together and that we broke up prematurely. Although, I had reasons that we did not work well together (as a motivation), there was not a concrete reason for the break-up. We went back together because both of us wanted to work on the relationship, which was (to me) the most important part.

 

 

Last weekend, I met his friend Nate, who is a married man. No, I did not do anything with him, but he was really sweet to me. In a way, that my boyfriend isn't like--mature-wise. We went fishing together (all three of us), and at one point, Nate said to Sven: "As long as you are with me, she will be treated as a lady." In my relationship, my boyfriend spoils me (cooks and compliments me) but in a different way. I feel like I have gotten used to being treated like I am dating someone who is a teenage boy and who hasn't "grown up", but also he is not financially able to spoil me. I believe that one can't get the full package so I am satisfied for what my boyfriend does give me, but I suppose being around Nate (a successful man who has a job, respects woman - at least me, at the time), I had the case of the 'Grass is Greener' Syndrome again.

 

 

This happens when another man outside our relationship treats me slightly better than my boyfriend treats me (treats me like a lady). On these occasions, I tell him I wish he would treat me like his friends treat me and he usually responds with: "They are only saying those things because they are outside the relationship" or "They are only saying those things because they want to get into your pants" (because Nate joked, drunkenly, that my boyfriend should trade me for Nate's wife. He was drunk so we both don't take it seriously). I don't know.

 

 

I have been doubting if he will grow out of his 'boy' phase. I understand that he is living with his dad now because he is in school, but how long has he been in school? It is a community college. Naturally, I have no say in the matter because I graduated college only last year and have a part-time job so I am living with my parents too, but I am looking for a second job as to move out of my parent's house. Is he doing anything to progress himself? He has all these ideals, he talks-the-talk, but I am doubting if he is able to walk-the-walk. He talks about becoming a Director, which I praise him for, but when I suggest for him to consider film school, he tells me that it is a hoax, says he doesn't need to go to film school to become a director. For me, who just graduated a four-year college and am trying to find a writing job, I don't understand why you would procrastinate on what you already know you want to do with your life. Am I expecting too much? I feel like I have no say in the matter as I am struggling as much as him (graduated in May 2013, finally was able to find a job as a PT Vet Assistant in November 2013). Am I being too demanding? It seems unreasonable for me to expect him to be grounded when I am just as lost and trying to create myself and my career (even if I have the degree for it).

 

 

I am not looking to settle down so I also feel there is no point in stressing out about the relationship. Still, parts of the relationship that we have talked about fixing, I feel like we are going back to how we used to be and it is frustrating because it is like watching yourself go back in time: the drinking and lack of communication (him interrupting me; I hate feeling like I have to overtalk him as to be heard - he just has a strong personality).

 

 

I never considered it before, but I am now wondering if we are opposites and I was just delusional in assuming that we are very alike and understanding of each other. I am starting to think our communication style is very different and sometimes I feel underappreciated by him (which explains why I sometimes feel attracted to his friends who "appreciate" me).

 

 

I value the relationship that I have with him because he gives me a lot more than what I have gotten from other men. We have amazing intimacy with each other that I have not shared with other men in the past. Some who are intimacy-shy anyway. I feel like I have a good catch. Someone who respects what I want to do in my life and encourages me to do so, with or without him.

 

 

Is there a point that you settle and be happy with that?

Edited February 7, 2014 by hermitinator

[Ronni_W]

Is there a point that you settle and be happy with that?

NO! What you are looking for is not so outlandish, unreasonable, unrealistic that you must settle for less.

 

One does not even need to have a job, nevermind be successful or rich to appreciate people and treat them as they deserve to be treated...with respect, dignity, politeness.

Even 10-year olds can manage, age-appropriately, to be appreciative and respectful.

 

Even if his friends are only acting that way because they're not with their partner -- which I'm suspecting is BS, I'm suspecting they treat ALL women the way they treat you -- it makes no difference to how YOU want to and deserve to be treated in your own romantic and other relationships.

 

Do not compare this relationship with prior ones. That'll just keep you stuck in tolerating crappy treatment that you don't appreciate, want, need or deserve. Instead, decide your own worth, value and what you want, deserve and then ensure that you have that. If not in this relationship then the next. Don't put up with other people's inability to treat you properly, decently, in a way that supports your self-esteem.

 

Best of luck.

[RDawg]

Nate treated you like a lady, but he got drunk and suggested wife swopping? Really?

Edited February 7, 2014 by RDawg

[hermitinator]

Nate treated you like a lady, but he got drunk and suggested wife swopping? Really?

 

 

 

Yes, but he didn't suggest it to me. I later discovered this because my boyfriend told me about it in the morning.

[hermitinator]

NO! What you are looking for is not so outlandish, unreasonable, unrealistic that you must settle for less.

 

One does not even need to have a job, nevermind be successful or rich to appreciate people and treat them as they deserve to be treated...with respect, dignity, politeness.

Even 10-year olds can manage, age-appropriately, to be appreciative and respectful.

 

Even if his friends are only acting that way because they're not with their partner -- which I'm suspecting is BS, I'm suspecting they treat ALL women the way they treat you -- it makes no difference to how YOU want to and deserve to be treated in your own romantic and other relationships.

 

Do not compare this relationship with prior ones. That'll just keep you stuck in tolerating crappy treatment that you don't appreciate, want, need or deserve. Instead, decide your own worth, value and what you want, deserve and then ensure that you have that. If not in this relationship then the next. Don't put up with other people's inability to treat you properly, decently, in a way that supports your self-esteem.

 

Best of luck.

 

 

Thank you for your words / advice. Much appreciated.

[monkeytine]

The way I gauge my relationships is whether or not I compare my SO to others or not. If I always wish I was with other, "better" men, then I know he's not the one. When he's the one, you literally want your man and only your man despite all his flaws. Some flaws are too big to be fixed though, and that's when you'll find yourself looking at others and comparing. Stay strong and hold out for the right guy :-)

[xUnknown]

There will always be temptations and other individuals WILL attract your attention more than your bf. Guys DO say and do things because they want to get in your pants. Its the sad truth of it. Guys also don't care if you're in a relationship, they'll still try - even if it means betraying a friend. (<-- You don't have the right friends if this happens).

 

These other men will find you attractive for one reason or another, just as you found Nate attractive. That's just how it is. Sure, I saw other women attractive when I was with my ex. I even saw how other gfs would treat their bfs in better/different ways than how mine treated me. But I had no intention of leaving her because of this. People do things in different ways.

 

The real question is.... Do you love him? (your boyfriend). If you love him, you'll work through it. If you can legitimately say you put in 110% of your effort and its just not working out, then cut the chord. But be damn sure, don't come back to him after you've seen that the grass is greener - make sure this is the path you want before you cross that bridge.

 

You both don't have full time jobs, so moving out will be tough, especially since he's in school. If he is a slacker and plans on taking 6 years to complete school, well, then consider if you want to wait around for him to get on his own two feet.

[Never Again]

The way I gauge my relationships is whether or not I compare my SO to others or not. If I always wish I was with other, "better" men, then I know he's not the one. When he's the one, you literally want your man and only your man despite all his flaws. Some flaws are too big to be fixed though, and that's when you'll find yourself looking at others and comparing. Stay strong and hold out for the right guy :-)

 

I was about to respond to this, but it was already done for me:

 

There will always be temptations and other individuals WILL attract your attention more than your bf. Guys DO say and do things because they want to get in your pants. Its the sad truth of it. Guys also don't care if you're in a relationship, they'll still try - even if it means betraying a friend. (<-- You don't have the right friends if this happens).

 

These other men will find you attractive for one reason or another, just as you found Nate attractive. That's just how it is. Sure, I saw other women attractive when I was with my ex. I even saw how other gfs would treat their bfs in better/different ways than how mine treated me. But I had no intention of leaving her because of this. People do things in different ways.

 

The real question is.... Do you love him? (your boyfriend). If you love him, you'll work through it. If you can legitimately say you put in 110% of your effort and its just not working out, then cut the chord. But be damn sure, don't come back to him after you've seen that the grass is greener - make sure this is the path you want before you cross that bridge.

 

You both don't have full time jobs, so moving out will be tough, especially since he's in school. If he is a slacker and plans on taking 6 years to complete school, well, then consider if you want to wait around for him to get on his own two feet.

 

I never advocate for anyone to stay in an fulfilling relationship, but when you're looking for greener grass...you're looking for a fantasy. You don't know if the next man/woman will be "better"...they're just different.

 

As humans, we quickly acclimatize to positive stimuli. We get bored with stuff that's the same, even if it's awesome. Negative attributes, however, tend to stick out forever and a day.

 

This is why I tend to get a hair up my ass when people talk about leaving because they no longer feel "in love" or " the romantic connection"...they're really just talking about attraction, and attraction comes and goes, ebbs and flows, it comes naturally at first but requires maintenance...and sometimes takes a completely backseat to the stress of everyday life. On top of that, initial attraction/chemistry is an illusion - it's based on mystery and excitement - and there are many men out there that will manipulate this to their advantage.

 

Hell, the Pickup Artist community has tools specifically designed to get you to question the worth of your boyfriend, find them attractive, and get you tempted to bang them no matter how committed you are (google "boyfriend destroyers" if you're curious).

[hermitinator]

I was about to respond to this, but it was already done for me:

 

 

 

I never advocate for anyone to stay in an fulfilling relationship, but when you're looking for greener grass...you're looking for a fantasy. You don't know if the next man/woman will be "better"...they're just different.

 

As humans, we quickly acclimatize to positive stimuli. We get bored with stuff that's the same, even if it's awesome. Negative attributes, however, tend to stick out forever and a day.

 

This is why I tend to get a hair up my ass when people talk about leaving because they no longer feel "in love" or " the romantic connection"...they're really just talking about attraction, and attraction comes and goes, ebbs and flows, it comes naturally at first but requires maintenance...and sometimes takes a completely backseat to the stress of everyday life. On top of that, initial attraction/chemistry is an illusion - it's based on mystery and excitement - and there are many men out there that will manipulate this to their advantage.

 

Hell, the Pickup Artist community has tools specifically designed to get you to question the worth of your boyfriend, find them attractive, and get you tempted to bang them no matter how committed you are (google "boyfriend destroyers" if you're curious).

 

 

I know that what I have is the Grass is Greener Syndrome because, even though, I like what these men are giving (treat me how I want to ideally be treated), I know that with them, I could have many more problems that I don't have in my current relationship. Or completely new ones. However, it is not the *mystery* that I am after, but that I feel these men (always friends of his, not strangers) treat me better (emotionally) than he does, or know how to respond emotionally than he does. Which is dumbfounding because we have been dating for two years and some of these problems have been reoccurring; in which, he acknowledges them and knows that we need to work on these things (he does, or/and I do). But you did nail it because it *is* a fantasy: wondering if I would be *happier* with another man, if I would be more satisfied, but never knowing.

[hermitinator]

There will always be temptations and other individuals WILL attract your attention more than your bf. Guys DO say and do things because they want to get in your pants. Its the sad truth of it. Guys also don't care if you're in a relationship, they'll still try - even if it means betraying a friend. (<-- You don't have the right friends if this happens).

 

These other men will find you attractive for one reason or another, just as you found Nate attractive. That's just how it is. Sure, I saw other women attractive when I was with my ex. I even saw how other gfs would treat their bfs in better/different ways than how mine treated me. But I had no intention of leaving her because of this. People do things in different ways.

 

The real question is.... Do you love him? (your boyfriend). If you love him, you'll work through it. If you can legitimately say you put in 110% of your effort and its just not working out, then cut the chord. But be damn sure, don't come back to him after you've seen that the grass is greener - make sure this is the path you want before you cross that bridge.

 

You both don't have full time jobs, so moving out will be tough, especially since he's in school. If he is a slacker and plans on taking 6 years to complete school, well, then consider if you want to wait around for him to get on his own two feet.

 

 

Of course, I love him and I am going to do just that: work on it 110% (confronting our lack of communication). Although he is a person that I want in my life, a constant, I don't see myself being with him *for years* - as in marriage or a committed relationship to each other because of this lack of understanding (communication). Like you have advised though, there is a point in which one has to let go.

 

 

Thank you for your advice and support.

[Colton]

Of course, I love him and I am going to do just that: work on it 110% (confronting our lack of communication). Although he is a person that I want in my life, a constant, I don't see myself being with him *for years* - as in marriage or a committed relationship to each other because of this lack of understanding (communication). Like you have advised though, there is a point in which one has to let go.

 

 

Thank you for your advice and support.

 

Well theoretically, if the lack of communication ceased, would that change your views of being with him as in marriage?

[hermitinator]

Well theoretically, if the lack of communication ceased, would that change your views of being with him as in marriage?

 

 

 

Hmm. In theory, I don't believe in marriage, however we have discussed and fantasized about it, but that is all it is to me: something that is far away and a dream. Something to humor or entertain yourself with, but not something that is actually possible. I have told him before, that I want my first apartment to be my own, so I am not even considering sharing an apartment with him when I move out. Unconsciously, it is possible that I do not see myself with him, no matter what the circumstances are - if he gets a job / successful career, respects me, lack of communication ceases. But I feel like it is reasonable for me to believe that I will reach full satisfaction in my relationship when these things are reached. In my current circumstances, when he says, "In 40 years, we..." I do not see myself with him in 40 years. 40 years is a long time and I cannot imagine what might change in 40 years which is why I don't see myself with him because I think it is unrealistic to believe you can stay with someone for even 5 - 10 years. I am always amazed when a couple tells me they have been dating for 10 years! Rather, I feel like it if the lack of communication ceased, then I wouldn't question if we per say spoke in different languages. Communication is the struggle: I struggle with knowing how to express myself to him while he struggles with listening.

[Poppygoodwill]

....I think it is unrealistic to believe you can stay with someone for even 5 - 10 years. I am always amazed when a couple tells me they have been dating for 10 years! ....

 

I don't necessarily disagree with you on these things...but I have learned from experience that voicing them when you're with someone significantly puts a damper on things and demotivates the other person from really putting their all in. Why would they, after all? Even if both people feel the same, in fact especially if they both feel the same, then why bother putting in the real effort to overcome the bigger issues?

 

If you feel this way about him, and being with him is just 'good enough', then maybe this is the time to see it's reached its natural limit and take the exit.

[hermitinator]

 

If you feel this way about him, and being with him is just 'good enough', then maybe this is the time to see it's reached its natural limit and take the exit.

 

 

 

This is the point I am getting at.

 

 

I am embarrassed because I am having similar thoughts that I had before our break-up. And now, I am in a similar position again. I want him in my life and value him as such, but I don't think we work well together.

 

 

I don't want to be seen as fickle, but I feel that is what I am doing: one foot in the door and one outside.

[Colton]

This is the point I am getting at.

 

 

I am embarrassed because I am having similar thoughts that I had before our break-up. And now, I am in a similar position again. I want him in my life and value him as such, but I don't think we work well together.

 

 

I don't want to be seen as fickle, but I feel that is what I am doing: one foot in the door and one outside.

 

Sounds like it's probably time to let him go because it sounds like you have already made your choice. You want him in your life because you guys have grown in one way or another with each other. You guys are lovers, best friends, partners but when you say you "want to break up", all of those things you guys are go out the window.

 

I would like it if people who dated could remain friends but I feel its an idea that is much easier said than done. Too many variables to get in the way.

 

So yeah, maybe it's time to let him go gently and to disappear from his life. I think (unless there was never something there) it will be too hard for at least one party to remain friends. Don't drag things out any longer than they need to be. Move on with your life, let him move on with his life.