Best friend suffering with depression

[Lucy_Jane]

Hello

 

I am struggling with the hurt and concern I feel regarding my best friend. She is struggling with depression at the present and has told me she is trying to keep it together. What hurts me is that in the last couple of weeks she has become distant from me. I am confused as she told me she is really depressed, however has spent a couple of social evenings out with other people recently.

 

We have been best friends for quite some time and I know all about her personal struggles. It feels like she is shutting me out and I don't know why.

 

Is this normal for people suffering from depression to distance themselves form some people and not others?

 

It makes me very sad.

[Ronni_W]

In this situation, 'hurt and sad' are selfish emotional reactions. You are focusing on yourself instead of how best you can be a source of support, encouragement for your friend.

 

The best way is to just ask her if and how there is anything you can do to help her get through, cope with her bout of depression. Ask her, and listen to what she says, and do that...without minding your own feelings, thoughts, opinions in any of it. Make it about what she specifically says she wants and needs, and not what you think it "should" be or would be "better" for her.

 

Possibly the people she has been hanging out with are giving her the kind of environment and support that she wants, needs, deserves at this time.

 

If she tells you that there's nothing much you can do, ask if it will be okay to just check-in with her every 3 or 4 days, maybe by text and she is under no obligation to respond. Then just say stuff like 'thinking of you' and 'hope you feel good today'...keep the focus on her because she doesn't have the inner, personal resources to effectively deal with her own stuff, nevermind anyone else's life issues, complaints, emotions.

 

She needs your understanding, empathy, compassion, loving support.

[preraph]

Yes, it's normal to shut out some people if not all while depressed. It will be specifically because you know all her struggles and she is having trouble dealing with those right now and doesn't need the reminder. I went through a big long depression. Music had been my life and my emotions were all tied up in it. I avoided most people because they were music people and I couldn't stand the emotionality of music from certain time periods. I was able to socialize some with others not in that circle. Depression is hard and weird and really outside anyone's control. When you invite your friend to something, tell her you want to take her out to just have fun and get her mind OFF whatever is bothering her, and then just go try to have a fun day without anything deep. Make sure if she needs professional mental healthcare help that someone in her family knows it, or guide her to it if you think she'll listen to you. It's hard to do the normal everyday things when depressed. Sometimes if someone just steps up and says "I'm not watching you like this any longer, we're going to make you an appointment to see a shrink," they will let you take over because decision making can be very difficult while depressed.

[KathyM]

Depressed people often feel like isolating themselves, and as other posters have said, it may be that she goes out with other people at times as a distraction from her pain, and going out with you may be more of a reminder of her pain, so she is avoiding you for that reason. Since you are so close to her and you know all the details, I imagine you are trying to help her talk through her feelings of depression and whatever contributed to her depression, but she may not be ready to do that, at least not with you.

 

 

I think the best thing you could do for her right now is keep in touch like you normally would with a good friend, maybe every other day, just to check in with her and tell her your news of the day and ask her how she's doing, and then let her talk at her own pace about her concerns and her feelings. Sometimes well-meaning friends can actually make things worse by forcing difficult conversations when the depressed person is not up for talking about difficult topics. Just be there for her like you normally would. Invite her to do something that would be enjoyable, and then keep interactions light until she indicates she is ready to talk about something difficult. Maybe give her the name and phone number of a good therapist in the area and tell her it might be helpful to talk to a counselor about her feelings. Sometimes people feel more free to talk about their troubles to a professional whom they don't know, than they would to a close friend, and of course a professional is trained to help a person process their feelings at a pace that is comfortable to the client.

 

 

You may be unknowingly putting too much pressure on her to talk about the negative stuff that is troubling her, and that is why she is avoiding you right now. Try to keep interactions light, but do ask her how she's doing, and let her determine the pace of how she wants to talk about the difficult subjects. Do offer her the name and number of the counselor, with the suggestion to contact the counselor, but don't pressure her to do it. She has to get through this at her own pace, and right now, she may not be ready to get into difficult subjects with you, and may need more of a distraction right now to help her cope, rather than a deep discussion with you.

[Lucy_Jane]

Thankyou all for your responses. They have given me great insight and put the situation into perspective. Thanks again

[spiderowl]

Yes, it is, and strangely enough especially from friends. It's easier to be with strangers or different people. If really depressed, what is often going through someone's head is that everything is pointless. Friends say they are here for you but you feel they won't understand (they won't) and you don't want to share the awful darkness and hopelessness with them. It's easier not to be with them. Somehow you feel you've reached a dead end with them: they know you better than most but they don't really. Where can one go once you realise that?

 

Occasionally, you might get invited to something else and try it, but it probably doesn't feel much better. All in all, depression robs you of enjoyment.

 

Give it time, say you'll be there for her, then let her decide when she feels she can be a friend again.

[GoreSP]

I have dealt with depression myself, and as far as I was concerned, I was 'distancing' myself from close friends was because I did not want to bother them with my 'problems'.

 

One thing you need to remember is that her brain is 'not working properly' right now (for lack of a better term…) Her emotions are all over the place and she can't control it. Things that would normally have no effect can deeply hurt her. Now is not the time to tell her you are hurt she is spending time with other people.

 

It's unfortunate to say but her own pain is so heavy right now that she probably doesn't want to hear about you. She will also most likely take it as a personal attack - no matter how you word it.

 

My suggestion is that you offer to spend time with her. She may not want to go out. Watch a movie at her place or something. If she turns you down, simply tell her that whenever she needs you, you are there for her. She needs to know that.

 

There isn't much more you can do - unfortunately. Just don't take anything personally and - most of all - don't hold it against her in the future.

 

Hope that helps.

[preraph]

I was hard to get out of the house when depressed. A gay male friend did the greatest thing ever to get me out. He told me he needed me to go to the drugstore for him because he had painful hemorroids. I wouldn't go out unless someone needed me, see. So I went to the pharmacy, got the usual salve and asked the pharmacist what else to get and he told me a packet of collodial oatmeal and put it in tepid bath and have my friend sit in it. So I brought that home and ran his tepid bath and put the collodial oatmeal in -- and it looks just exactly like someone vomited up their dinner in the bathtub. But he got in the bath and then afterward said he felt much better and made me join him for a drink and insisted I stay while he cooked the most wonderful dinner. I didn't suspect a thing until I looked back on it years later and then I realized what a wonderful friend I had to put himself through all that just to get me to take a bath and leave the house and pour a drink in me!

[Lucy_Jane]

Thankyou GoreSP. I certainly wouldn't make this about me and tell her how I am feeling. That's why I came to this forum - to do that and gain further understanding.

 

Thanks again for the insight.

[Lucy_Jane]

I was hard to get out of the house when depressed. A gay male friend did the greatest thing ever to get me out. He told me he needed me to go to the drugstore for him because he had painful hemorroids. I wouldn't go out unless someone needed me, see. So I went to the pharmacy, got the usual salve and asked the pharmacist what else to get and he told me a packet of collodial oatmeal and put it in tepid bath and have my friend sit in it. So I brought that home and ran his tepid bath and put the collodial oatmeal in -- and it looks just exactly like someone vomited up their dinner in the bathtub. But he got in the bath and then afterward said he felt much better and made me join him for a drink and insisted I stay while he cooked the most wonderful dinner. I didn't suspect a thing until I looked back on it years later and then I realized what a wonderful friend I had to put himself through all that just to get me to take a bath and leave the house and pour a drink in me!

 

That is a wonderful friend

[turnera]

It feels like she is shutting me out and I don't know why.

 

Is this normal for people suffering from depression to distance themselves form some people and not others?

People in depression know, under the surface, what's wrong and what they need to do.

 

 

They just don't want to do it. Instead, they want a short-term feel-good, even if it is not the one thing that will REMOVE the depression (therapy, taking action, removing bad influence, etc.). It's human nature to just keep doing that short-term feel-good rather than look at the hard work.

 

 

So the depressed friend will remove himself from those friends who really ARE the friends and are taking them to task. And gravitate toward the 'medicating' friends who just mask the problem.

[turnera]

Also, understand that, while he/she may avoid you for being the one who does bring up what they need to do, that is your job as a real friend. DD23 has one good friend who has gone further and further into depression the last two years. All kinds of 'no one cares about me' and 'I'll just find new friends cos no one will visit me' posts. The fair-weather friends kiss up to her and say all the stuff she wants to hear, all the while refusing to go to therapy or stay on meds or do anything to change. DD23, who's getting a PhD in psychology, won't do it. Granted, the past 6 months she's avoiding saying anything to her friend out of fear her friend would just ditch her for being 'mean,' but just yesterday, after months of my urging, when her friend posted yet another "I'll just leave everyone and go make new friends' post, DD finally replied and yet again suggested therapy (probably the 4th time in the last 2 years). Enter friend's excuses for not getting therapy. DD hung in there and rebutted each excuse. Finally, friend dropped off the internet last night. But this morning, asked DD if they were still having lunch as planned. So DD didn't get dumped like she expected. Friend showed up and even seemed better than usual. Solution? Not yet. Progress? Definitely.

 

 

And definitely more than anyone else has done for her.

[Lucy_Jane]

Thankyou so much. That story sounds very similar. My friend isn't considering going back to therapy. She knows I am there for her always and has reached out at times, however this episode is more intense. In previous times, she hasn't gone out socialising and meeting new people, instead isolating herself. I have seen her laughing with others yet when she is with me, I see the hollow sad eyes and she doesn't smile.

 

I understand her pain, but I am in pain watching her

[turnera]

Lucy, that sounds to me like you are the only person she feels safe showing her true self to. Be good about that, and just don't abandon her.

 

 

However, let her see that if she talks about suicide at some point, someone WILL call 911 for her.

[turnera]

DD has finally decided that if no one else will go there - risk being the one friend to give tough love - it'll have to be DD. She said she now will bring up therapy every time her friend brings up depression, and give examples of why it works.

Edited February 9, 2014 by turnera

[Lucy_Jane]

DD has finally decided that if no one else will go there - risk being the one friend to give tough love - it'll have to be DD. She said she now will bring up therapy every time her friend brings up depression, and give examples of why it works.

 

Seems like tough love is the way to go this time Good luck.

[Lucy_Jane]

Lucy, that sounds to me like you are the only person she feels safe showing her true self to. Be good about that, and just don't abandon her.

 

 

However, let her see that if she talks about suicide at some point, someone WILL call 911 for her.

 

That does make sense, thankyou turnera I know she has just told two of these new friends one issue she is dealing with. Don't think they know about her depression or the extent of her other issues, which she has quite a few.

 

I know I will have to stay strong as the hurt I am carrying by her behavior has made me think at times that I should just walk away. I won't and whilst it may seem selfish on my part, it is tough for me to deal with and not take personally when she acts differently when with others.

 

I have been able to cope with her previous episodes - I understood her retreating and isolating herself and was always there for her, messaging "thinking of you", buying her little gifts and taking her to lunch, but this time is more intense. I feel bad and guilty for saying this, but I feel that I don't matter anymore and everything that I have done for her means nothing.

 

I'm sorry for expressing how I feel, especially to people that suffer from depression. I know it's about her suffering, however I am suffering now as well.

[Betternotbroken]

I don't think you need to apologize for venting honestly Lucy Jane, depression and all mental struggles impact the people surrounding the person with depression. If it is not okay to call them selfish for their disordered thinking then it is not okay to call you selfish either.

 

You can only do so much for people and they have to take initiative to go forward, to go out of the house, to let people help them, don't forget to worry and care for yourself as much as you are worrying for your struggling friend.

[TheyCallMeOx]

I think that, as a friend, the only thing we can do is support them and say that "I'm here if you ever need me, and I love you as a friend, and I deeply care about you." Knowing that we are valued in dark times is enough to keep us going; there's not enough things that you can say to someone who is depressed. It's a serious issue and it's something that they gotta work out with themselves. The best things we can do are things we can't say: just lend a shoulder to cry on, give them hugs, and be there for them. If they shun you away, just keep reminding them that you're there if you need them and if they need to be alone...they need to be alone.

[turnera]

fwiw, DD has often retreated from such friends so periods, either to not enable the friend or to preserve herself. If you need time away from her, take it. Don't keep in touch with her just out of guilt, if she is damaging to you.

[preraph]

^ I agree with this. It is important that she knows you love her and will always be there for her, whenever she is ready. It doesn't sound like she is pulling you into her depression but the opposite, but just in case that happens going forward, it is important to take breaks from her and maintain your own balance.

 

I had a friend who got progressively more depressed himself because his best friend, a kid with abusive upbringing and drug addiction, was spiraling down. He was doing everything he could to save him, including buying him a car. My friend didn't have the bad upbringing and is generally happy, though prone to alcoholism. He got so bad I realized he had taken on this other person's depression and was also spiraling downward.

 

Once I realized what was going on, I talked to him about buying the car, etc. He told me his friend's grandmother had passed and that was who had looked after him before. This friend of mine was a gay male. His depressed friend was straight but got f'd up a lot, so could be a bit ambiguous. During our talk about buying the car, I said, "So now you're the Grandma?" He nearly turned white and after a minute, said, "Oh, my God, that's who I am to him. He even recently said I was like his Grandma!" It was a real wake-up moment for him. He was operating from the perspective of helping a friend he also wished reciprocated his love, but the depressed friend was operating on a much more immature level, being taken care of by a Grandmother figure. My friend, over the course, of absorbing it all over a week or so, realized the reality of their relationship and the friend's capabilities.

 

He stopped being the Grandma, took a step back, got his balance back, and realized more realistically what he was dealing with and that he wasn't responsible for this guy and that it was really up to the guy to straighten himself out if he was ever going to. I predicted that without him to lean on, the guy would find a woman to live off of, and I was right. It was all very sad, and I don't mean to minimalize his problems. But it does no good if the person trying to help loses perspective and lets it drain them.

[Lucy_Jane]

Here is an update...

 

I've seen a glimpse of my old friend a couple of times in the last two weeks, which has been wonderful, however her mood swings have been intense, the depression is still there and it all came to a head last week.

 

One day she was hugging me affectionately then the next day she was the rudest I have ever seen her. I attended a function that she was also at, neither of us knew each other was going to be there. She was there with her new friends.

 

I was talking to a mutual friend of ours and he held my hand just as she walked past. When I first said hello to her she gave me the look of death. She then would not look at me and kept saying she had to go. She walked away without even saying bye.

 

Our friend was stunned by how she treated me and I was in shock at how she acted. It was like I could feel hatred coming from her. She was not at all happy that I was there, especially being affectionate with our male friend.

 

There have been a few instances where she has displayed jealous behavior over the years whenever I am talking to others, but last week was the worst. She has always been clingy and possessive of me.

 

I am at a loss as to how to handle this. I've checked in with her every other day since I posted this thread to make sure she is ok, give her hugs when I see her and tell her I love her and are always there for her. Then, she treats me so poorly. I have not made contact since the incident. I am very confused.

[turnera]

New friends = creating a new persona.

 

Let it go. She's choosing.

[whichwayisup]

Before she started suffering from depression, has she ever been rude or mean to you (or anybody else) that you can remember?

 

Being depressed isn't an excuse to treat someone like crap. And, it makes no sense that she turned her nose at you, so what if you two were at the same function. She could have given you a smile and a hug, but she chose to be bitchy.

 

It hurts to be ignored and treated poorly by someone you care about and in your case, your best friend. I suggest you keep busy, spend time with other friends and let her come to you, don't call her. She knows what she's doing (how badly she treated you) and she owes you an apology. I'm sure she was happy go lucky with her new friends, right?

[Lucy_Jane]

Thankyou whichwayisup. I appreciate your comment.

 

She has been in deep depression on many occasions before, but has never been rude to me. In previous times she has lit up whenever she sees me and it is clear I am a comfort to her. So this latest incident has blown my mind.

 

This cycle of depression (the last three months) I have seen a completely different side to her. She has asked a number of times if I am dating a particular guy when she knows I am not and has been irritated when I spend time with others, also making sarcastic comments. Then a day or two later she will be all loving and nice again.

 

Actually, I didn't really see a lot of laughter with the other friends, not sure if this was due to her seeing me there or not. Our mutual friend did say she seemed fine during that day.

 

I believe you are right - I'm not going to make contact this time. Previous times when she withdrew I would always contact her to check in and let her know I was thinking about her. This time is different and I need a break from the pain.