Moving in with his mom?

[Phoe]

While we've only been together a few months and it's definitely a fast step forward, my boyfriend and I have been thinking of moving in together. With him often working away from home for days at a time, and me working full shifts on the days he IS around, it made sense for us to be able to spend more time together and also save for the future by moving in together and combining costs. Also, I cannot spend the night with him anymore because I have a cat here at home with me who has very bad separation anxiety problems. Me being away at night every couple of days was detrimental to her, and it was decided mutually between me and my boyfriend that I could not be away from her at night anymore. So, moving in seems to be the logical step for us.

 

Unfortunately, it's already caused 2 fights for us. I'm worried if we don't get this resolved that it will drive us apart.

 

 

At first we were looking at some cheap apartments in the area. Simple enough right? We chose one we liked and decided we'd apply when he got back from working out of state. After a few days he texts me asking if I would move in with him and his mom where he lives now. I immediately vetoed the idea. I would not want to live with his mom. He says OK but that he wants a different apartment, that he's worried about my safety and wants us to live in a gated complex. While apartment searching, once again, he asks if there isn't a way to make moving in with his mom work. Says that she can live in the motorhome in the backyard while I'm here, and that when I'm away at work she will come back inside, and that it's totally cool because she loves the motorhome. UMMMMM WHAT?? Clearly, I was not okay with this and was not about to kick his mother out of her own house. We continued the apartment search. He finally found one that fit all of his requirements ( I personally didn't care where I lived). We apply and put down the holding deposit. It's officially ours. Not an hour later he tells me he's not comfortable with us living in an apartment together while he doesn't have a big savings built up. He wants to have $5000 in savings as a cushion just in case, and really wants to wait until then to move out of his current house.

 

 

That caused a HUGE fight. I felt very led on that we went through this whole process, he showed me around the apartment we would live in, imagined where the furniture would go, put down the deposit and made me truly feel like this is where we were going to live just to have him rip the rug out from under me.

 

 

I told him I don't want to talk about moving in again for the rest of the year. That if he's gonna toy with my emotions and send me on a rollercoaster back and forth over where we are gonna live, that we are just gonna stay separate for the rest of the year.

 

 

He is not okay with this. He wants to get engaged and married, but he knows I want to wait a reasonable amount of time. He would propose tomorrow and elope to Vegas if he knew I was okay with it. But I'm not. I told him I do not want to be engaged without living together first, and I also don't want to be engaged until we've been together for at least a year, and I also want to be engaged for at least a year before getting married so I can plan and save properly. This timeline is too long for him. And when we factor in that I want to live together first, it just throws a kink in everything. I ask him HOW can he want to marry me right now, but we don't even live together. Are we gonna be the ridiculous married couple that lives separately because the husband wants to have more savings first? It makes no sense. It's like he's got his priorities backwards.

 

 

Yesterday he told me that him and his mom are moving into a new house, and that he'd like me to move in with him. We got in a fight about it. This is multiple times now that he's requested I move in with him and his mom. Now his mom spends all her time in her bedroom, but still, I would never feel comfortable. I'd feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I'd never feel like it was my own home. Not to mention his mom is allergic to cats and there's no way I can coop my cat up in one bedroom.

 

 

He got irritated at me and told me this - "It says a lot about you that you won't even try." - that really upset me.

 

 

I don't know what to do. We're being driven apart. I feel as though just sucking up and moving in with his mom is the only option. He says if we live with her it will be so much more cost effective and we will be able to save up more quickly. He also says if we live with her she will contribute to our wedding fund. Once again, he's putting the wedding first and our living accomodations second.

 

 

Either I move in with them and live being a bit uncomfortable, but be able to save, or we stay separate and struggle with seeing each other driving back and forth with our stupid work schedules.

[ThaWholigan]

This one sounds like a bit of a pickle!

 

What would you say your man's relationship is with his mum? It sounds like they might be a bit too close for your liking, if he's factoring her into decisions that the two of you have made as an adult couple. Do you think his mother is supportive of you as a couple - not necessarily financially as said with wedding, but in general and emotionally?

 

I think that trying to communicate without fighting should be an immediate goal so that you can speak clearly with each other and formulate a plan or a compromise that benefits both of you.

[GoreSP]

You can tell a lot about someone after a few first arguments...

 

I get the feeling he is 'scared' to move out. Maybe his mother is giving him a guilt trip about it?

I was fine until I read the 'It says a lot about you if you don't even want to try'

Kind of like he is guilt tripping you and completely ignoring the fact you are (understandably so...) not comfortable to move in with his mom. It also looks like he is not going to give up on this one either...

 

I don't remember the name of the movie - but it's about two friends who get married on the same day in the same hotel.

By the end of the movie, the wedding preparations have driven one couple apart and brought the other one closer.

 

All this to show that big steps like this (moving in together, weddings, etc etc) can easily make or break a relationship but I think that when it breaks it - it wasn't a very strong relationship to begin with.

 

Though this may not apply to you because you haven't been together for that long. I'm sorry though - things seemed so wonderful from what you were telling us.

 

Suggest finding a place close to his mom's place? Kind of like as a middle ground - you don't have to move in with his mom - he doesn't have to move away too far from his mom...

[Phoe]

This one sounds like a bit of a pickle!

 

What would you say your man's relationship is with his mum? It sounds like they might be a bit too close for your liking, if he's factoring her into decisions that the two of you have made as an adult couple. Do you think his mother is supportive of you as a couple - not necessarily financially as said with wedding, but in general and emotionally?

 

I think that trying to communicate without fighting should be an immediate goal so that you can speak clearly with each other and formulate a plan or a compromise that benefits both of you.

 

 

 

Their relationship is mostly normal I'd say. He loves her and cares for her a lot, but isn't close to her to the point of being a mama's boy or anything. They live together right now mostly for convenience and ease of finances. They do occasionally bicker and feel the need to get away from each other, she sometimes will go to his aunt's house for days at a time.

 

 

Her mother as far as I know is quite happy about me and approves of our relationship. He told me it was her idea in the first place to have me move in with them. They discussed it together.

 

 

I'm just not sure that there IS an option that benefits us both. Either we get our own apartment and he is unhappy about finances, I move in with him and am unhappy about lack of privacy, or we stay apart and both be unhappy about lack of time together.

[GoreSP]

Their relationship is mostly normal I'd say. He loves her and cares for her a lot, but isn't close to her to the point of being a mama's boy or anything. They live together right now mostly for convenience and ease of finances. They do occasionally bicker and feel the need to get away from each other, she sometimes will go to his aunt's house for days at a time.

 

 

Her mother as far as I know is quite happy about me and approves of our relationship. He told me it was her idea in the first place to have me move in with them. They discussed it together.

 

 

I'm just not sure that there IS an option that benefits us both. Either we get our own apartment and he is unhappy about finances, I move in with him and am unhappy about lack of privacy, or we stay apart and both be unhappy about lack of time together.

 

Well, my dad used to be super worried about my finances when I moved out. One day, my cousin told me : She's gonna have money problem whether you like it or not.

 

By that she meant everybody has money problem at one point or another. Then you spend less money for a while and things come back to normal. If he is just worried about the financial aspect, he needs to understand he can't spend his life waiting to be financially secure against everything.

 

****'s gonna happen. ****'s gonna go away.

[mammasita]

I would feel extremely uncomfortable moving in with someones mother. I'd feel weird having a mother move into my house.....I'd struggle with my own mom moving in with me. I'd need a separate wing should that ever happen.

 

Tough one.

 

On the one hand, I do agree its waaaaaay too early to be moving in together. On the other hand you do know that you want to get married eventually so you have that.

 

Ugh, I don't know. Rock> <Hard place.

[tlegend]

I'm not going to pretend to know the best answer.

 

He seems to be pushing the option of living with his mother very strongly. Maybe you should ask and get to the root of that particular problem. Why does he want to live with his mother so badly? Is she sick, hurt, or lonely? Is he that much of a mama's boy or is he taking care of her?

 

Secondly, I think compromising would be the best option? Maybe pick a place that is close to his mother...but is also a place the two of you can call "home." Being forced to live in a situation that you weren't comfortable with will only cause you to build resentment.

 

I would address those issues first and then see how you feel afterwards.

 

Personally, if he is adamant about moving in with his mother, and you are adamant about not moving in with his mother...then maybe taking a break is the best option? It seems that you both value your future very differently.

 

My 2 cents

[Phoe]

You can tell a lot about someone after a few first arguments...

 

I get the feeling he is 'scared' to move out. Maybe his mother is giving him a guilt trip about it?

I was fine until I read the 'It says a lot about you if you don't even want to try'

Kind of like he is guilt tripping you and completely ignoring the fact you are (understandably so...) not comfortable to move in with his mom. It also looks like he is not going to give up on this one either...

 

I don't remember the name of the movie - but it's about two friends who get married on the same day in the same hotel.

By the end of the movie, the wedding preparations have driven one couple apart and brought the other one closer.

 

All this to show that big steps like this (moving in together, weddings, etc etc) can easily make or break a relationship but I think that when it breaks it - it wasn't a very strong relationship to begin with.

 

Though this may not apply to you because you haven't been together for that long. I'm sorry though - things seemed so wonderful from what you were telling us.

 

Suggest finding a place close to his mom's place? Kind of like as a middle ground - you don't have to move in with his mom - he doesn't have to move away too far from his mom...

 

 

 

For him it's not about being "away" from his mom, they actually need time away frequently. She will go to his aunts house for days at a time because they will bicker if they don't have time apart. The apartment we were looking at was literally 10 minutes away.

 

 

His issue is the finances. I was perfectly happy with the $500 apartment but he wasn't okay with it. He wanted the $850 apartment that's upstairs, in a gated community, in a nice neighborhood, with a security door and a window not next to the front door because someone could break in and he just can't have anything happen to me while he's away. Plus he'd still be paying his half of the rent at the house his mom is in. So even though we are capable of this, he was not comfortable with barely scraping by over the next year and having no money to put away in savings. He says he'd rather us live with her cheaply, and build up a big savings for a wedding and just for cushion so that when we DO get our own place he won't have to feel anxiety about us only just barely making enough money to get by. He says it makes him feel like he can't "provide" for me properly.

 

 

Not to mention he's now adamant he wants a house instead of an apartment. Yes, I'd like a house one day, but an apartment is much more feasible right now.

[Phoe]

I would feel extremely uncomfortable moving in with someones mother. I'd feel weird having a mother move into my house.....I'd struggle with my own mom moving in with me. I'd need a separate wing should that ever happen.

 

Tough one.

 

On the one hand, I do agree its waaaaaay too early to be moving in together. On the other hand you do know that you want to get married eventually so you have that.

 

Ugh, I don't know. Rock> <Hard place.

 

Exactly.

 

 

It's all moving rather quickly, and while I feel very confidently in my future with him, moving at a more reasonable pace would be more ideal for me.

 

 

His mom keeps to herself, other than when she goes to the kitchen to grab food, she spends all her time in her bedroom. It's not like she'd be wandering the house or being nosy or anything, she's a quiet and private kind of lady, I just know that I'd be on eggshells constantly...

 

 

I would have to be silent during sex... I'd feel like I need to keep the house pristine at all moments, I'd have to brush my hair and get dressed in the morning to go grab breakfast instead of just walking out half asleep in my pajamas. I wouldn't want his mother seeing me like that... it's really just the little things that would make me feel like I'm not truly "at home" in that house.

[tlegend]

For him it's not about being "away" from his mom, they actually need time away frequently. She will go to his aunts house for days at a time because they will bicker if they don't have time apart. The apartment we were looking at was literally 10 minutes away.

 

 

His issue is the finances. I was perfectly happy with the $500 apartment but he wasn't okay with it. He wanted the $850 apartment that's upstairs, in a gated community, in a nice neighborhood, with a security door and a window not next to the front door because someone could break in and he just can't have anything happen to me while he's away. Plus he'd still be paying his half of the rent at the house his mom is in. So even though we are capable of this, he was not comfortable with barely scraping by over the next year and having no money to put away in savings. He says he'd rather us live with her cheaply, and build up a big savings for a wedding and just for cushion so that when we DO get our own place he won't have to feel anxiety about us only just barely making enough money to get by. He says it makes him feel like he can't "provide" for me properly.

 

 

Not to mention he's now adamant he wants a house instead of an apartment. Yes, I'd like a house one day, but an apartment is much more feasible right now.

 

An example of a compromise: A condo / townhouse?

 

Don't know the area you live in.

[Phoe]

Well we just talked on the phone. Him moving out will not be an option for him for quite a long time.

 

Either I move in with them, or we stay apart.

[Mariposa10]

Wow, he's being super, super pushy and controlling...I feel like he's not trying to compromise with you at all.

 

If you two decide not to move in together, how often will you two get to hang out lets say during a regular week?

[Phoe]

Well, he suddenly changed his mind and said nevermind, he doesn't want me to live with his mom.

 

Once again, rollercoaster of back and forth with him. The last time we fought about this I specifically told him I did NOT want to discuss moving in together again, anytime soon. A few weeks later and here we are fighting about it again. If he's not gonna be firm on a decision, I don't want to even hear about it. Why keep dragging me through this?

 

 

This moving in together issue is seriously pushing us apart. He asked me if I wanted to get lunch today and I said no. I just want to be alone today. I know if I see him for lunch I'll just be grumpy the entire time.

[GeriK]

Think of this as a blessing in disguise! You just learned a lot about him in a short amount of time.

 

*First, your feelings are not paramount to him. It's not about where you want to live but where he wants to live.

 

*You have a cat that is important to you but your cat is irrelevant to him.

 

*You paid a deposit and made a commitment but he backs out and is now moving with his mother.

 

*If you did move in together, would you be compared to his mother? How she folds the towels, makes the bed. All the different ways of living are fine here and there but when it is everyday, problems will arise.

 

I say, embrace your independence and chock this up to a life lesson. You now have a better idea of what to look for when deciding if you want build a life with someone.

[gaius]

Seems like he's trying to please both of his girlfriends. You and his mom.

[GoreSP]

Well, he suddenly changed his mind and said nevermind, he doesn't want me to live with his mom.

 

Once again, rollercoaster of back and forth with him. The last time we fought about this I specifically told him I did NOT want to discuss moving in together again, anytime soon. A few weeks later and here we are fighting about it again. If he's not gonna be firm on a decision, I don't want to even hear about it. Why keep dragging me through this?

 

 

This moving in together issue is seriously pushing us apart. He asked me if I wanted to get lunch today and I said no. I just want to be alone today. I know if I see him for lunch I'll just be grumpy the entire time.

 

Yeah you might want to reconsider moving in with him? He seems highly undecided....

I would worry he would decide to move back in with his mom after 3-4 months and leave me alone to pay rent...

 

500$? How many bedrooms?! I have a small one bedroom appartment that costs me 545$ a month.

No way I would live with someone there - way too small...

[Phoe]

Yeah you might want to reconsider moving in with him? He seems highly undecided....

I would worry he would decide to move back in with his mom after 3-4 months and leave me alone to pay rent...

 

500$? How many bedrooms?! I have a small one bedroom appartment that costs me 545$ a month.

No way I would live with someone there - way too small...

 

Weeks ago when we first fought about this I told him that I didn't want to discuss this again and we were going to wait. That it was the only logical decision. That talking about it and going back and forth on it was only going to cause a fight, so why bother. Just wait.

 

 

Now here we are only a few weeks later fighting about it again. And when I told him that his indecisiveness is a big problem for me in feeling comfortable living with him at all, he says I can blame him all I want but that he's not the only one at fault.

 

 

I don't understand what I've done. If I have done something wrong or have been unreasonable then I want to know and will own up to that, but I legitimately don't know what I've done.

 

 

We were looking at 2 bedroom apts. It wasn't $500 exactly, more like $560 or something like that, but it was in the $500 range. I was perfectly fine with something simple like that. The one he chose was quite a bit fancier and $850

[Keenly]

Having control over your home and where you choose to make your home are a fundamentalright of being a human being.

 

This " you won't even try " garbage is just that. Crap.

 

 

I think it says a lot more about him to not take your feelings into your future home into account than it does about you to not want to live with his mom. Good job on saying no... that is a really... really stupid idea to begin with.

 

Live with his mom.... seriously ? Are you two not adults?

 

 

Phoe I'm gonna level with you here, because I like you. He is running you around. I know because I did this with my first girlfriend. I told her we would live together, get an apartment together, but I never actually intended to. I always gave her excuses. The whole " 5k$ " cusgioncrap is one of them, because its an unreachable goal.

 

He is going to make excuse after excuse, but tell you to your face that everything is okay to keep you happy. Don't fall for his crap. Words and actions blah blah blah.

 

 

Good thing you are smart though, and saw how stupid of an idea that was.

[clia]

I think it's way too soon for you two to even be discussing moving in together. I'm definitely sympathetic to the situation with your work schedules, but I don't think moving in together is the right solution right now. As you have found out, that creates all kinds of issues that can crack a new relationship. Better to have established a good foundation before opening that can of worms.

 

I also don't blame you one bit for not wanting to move in with his mother. I agree with you 100% on that one, and it is concerning to me that he can't understand why you would feel uncomfortable. Do you currently have your own place?

 

If I were you, I would file away how he handled this situation, and reiterate to him that you do not want to discuss living together again until you have at least been together for one year. Then do not discuss it with him. If he tries to bring it up, remind him that you will be ready to talk about it again in October or whatever.

[Phoe]

Having control over your home and where you choose to make your home are a fundamentalright of being a human being.

 

This " you won't even try " garbage is just that. Crap.

 

 

I think it says a lot more about him to not take your feelings into your future home into account than it does about you to not want to live with his mom. Good job on saying no... that is a really... really stupid idea to begin with.

 

Live with his mom.... seriously ? Are you two not adults?

 

 

Phoe I'm gonna level with you here, because I like you. He is running you around. I know because I did this with my first girlfriend. I told her we would live together, get an apartment together, but I never actually intended to. I always gave her excuses. The whole " 5k$ " cusgioncrap is one of them, because its an unreachable goal.

 

He is going to make excuse after excuse, but tell you to your face that everything is okay to keep you happy. Don't fall for his crap. Words and actions blah blah blah.

 

 

Good thing you are smart though, and saw how stupid of an idea that was.

 

And of course, when I tell him that we just won't move in together at all and just make things work with our current living situations, he gets irritated and says he doesn't know how much longer he can take it not living with me. That he can't stand it and NEEDS to live with me and have a home with me so we can move forward together.

 

 

All I want is for him to stop bringing it up. Stop dragging me around through the indecisiveness.

 

 

It's like he thinks I'm being high maintenance and unreasonable or something. I somehow am at fault here.

[Keenly]

And of course, when I tell him that we just won't move in together at all and just make things work with our current living situations, he gets irritated and says he doesn't know how much longer he can take it not living with me. That he can't stand it and NEEDS to live with me and have a home with me so we can move forward together.

 

 

All I want is for him to stop bringing it up. Stop dragging me around through the indecisiveness.

 

 

It's like he thinks I'm being high maintenance and unreasonable or something. I somehow am at fault here.

 

He is the one being high maintenance . You've been together for a few months... and he can'tgo on ewithout living together ? There is a need flag if ever there was one. Don't sign a lease with this guy... its way too much too fast and given how hard he seems to be pushing this " my way or no way " stuff... it just sounds all bad.

 

especially if he keeps bringing it up after you said no more.

[GoreSP]

Phoe, you have done absolutely nothing wrong except standing up for yourself and the boundaries you established. He is being quite unreasonable and acting like a spoiled brat.

[Phoe]

He called me and changed his mind again. Was worried I was done with him

 

Said the only reason he changed his mind and said nevermind about moving in with him is because he felt sure I was gonna say no, and didn't want to hear "no" from me, didn't want the rejection, so he took my choice away altogether.

 

 

Says he very much so wants me to live with him, to come home to him every night, to wake up with me in the mornings.

 

 

Says that the honest truth is that he needs me to take this step in the dark for him. He says it's selfish but that he needs me to do that. I'm not sure how I'm reading that... it sounds like an implication that I need to prove myself? Like he doesn't trust that I'm on board with him?

 

 

Says he understands that I would prefer our own place, but that financially he has other priorities right now. Would not tell me what that priority is, but says it's for me and that I will be happy in the long run, but that he doesn't want to tell me what it is in case it ends up not working and it bites him in the ass.

 

 

*sigh*

[Keenly]

So he apologized and then said you need to do it anyway, regardless of how you feel about it.

 

 

Yeah... I think that sentence speaks for itself. Please do not let him manipulate your emotions into doing something you genuinely are not comfortable with doing.

[clia]

Says he very much so wants me to live with him, to come home to him every night, to wake up with me in the mornings.

 

He will survive if he has to wait a little longer to wake up to you every morning. For many years people have dated, often for months or years, and not lived together prior to marriage and everybody made it through. Hell, I still don't even live with my fiance!

 

Says that the honest truth is that he needs me to take this step in the dark for him. He says it's selfish but that he needs me to do that. I'm not sure how I'm reading that... it sounds like an implication that I need to prove myself? Like he doesn't trust that I'm on board with him?

 

Honestly, Phoe this worries me. You've only been dating him what, two months? Please stand your ground. This is all happening very fast, in a way that is uncomfortable for you, and ultimately you really don't know him that well. You two are still in the honeymoon period. You could see a completely different side of him over the next 3-6 months. I think you are seeing a different side to him now, aren't you? Do not jump into anything.