d0nnivain Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 End this discussion now for a lot of reasons. Do not move in with him. 1. You haven't been together long enough 2. You have different views on money: $500 apartment vs. $850 gated community 3. You can't live with his mother (unless you get a 2 family house or mother daughter set up so you all have your own, private spaces) The idea that mom will sleep in a motorhome in the yard is absurd. Here's an idea if money is tight though: Sell the motor home; those things are not cheap to insure or put gas in. 4. Moving in with a romantic partner to save money not for a romantic reason has a tendency to ruin the relationship. There are new statistics . . . several of which have been quoted on other threads here in LS . . . which talk about the failure rate for marriages when the parties lived together for practical reasons before tying the knot. Link to post Share on other sites
Copelandsanity Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 I believe that your idea of not moving in together right now and letting things be is the correct course of action. Would you describe your bf as insecure? His words and actions indicate that he is insecure of his financial situation and his ability to provide for you, and he is allowing his insecurity to override your priorities. Being from where I am (NYC), I can understand where is coming from. Even if you make or have a lot of money, you never feel like you have enough, and it can affect your ego/manhood if you don't feel like you can "provide" for someone who's your financial equal or better. $5,000 isn't even a lot of money for an emergency fund, and he is feeling pressure to save not only for now, but for the future. In his mind, you "sucking up" and moving in with his mom solves both issues of being able to save and being able to spend more time with you. But it would be a mistake because he is not taking into account your quality of life. Him agreeing to look at and consider other apartments is something he did because he loves you and wants the absolute best for you, but it is not something that he at his core believes he can actually provide for you financially. And he hates himself for it. If you believe the above is the issue, I think the both of you need to sit down and have a talk about it. You may have to reassure him and his ego that you don't need to have a fancy apartment, or the big fancy wedding, or an expensive diamond ring...that those things don't matter to you. The reasons why you love him are: [you can list them here]. That you want to work together as a team when it comes to finances. That what matters to you the most is the quality of your life together, and moving in with your mom negatively affects that, even if you get to live together. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Why can't he just stay the night with you when he's in town but not formally move in? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 I forgot # 5: he's too wishy washy . . . yes, no, never mind. geeessh. Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalCastles Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 A couple things. If I'm not mistaken, you two have been dating since December? I think it's way too early to move in. You two are in the honeymoon period, and when that ends, that will be the test to see if your relationship holds out. Moving in right now could end up being a big mistake later. You are young, I think 24? I don't know why there's a huge rush to do this now. You have plenty of time still left to worry about this stuff later! I think it's unfair of your boyfriend to simply disregard your concerns. I also don't understand his problem with a 500$ apartment. Why gated-community? What are you, a fragile china doll? From your posts, you certainly are a mature woman who can take good care of herself. Maybe the 500$ apartment was in some shady part of town? Please elaborate. I don't know why your boyfriend is in such a hurry to move in and tie the knot. You have your whole lives ahead of you. There's so much time to take care of those things, I think you need to enjoy what you have right now and not worry about marriage just yet. As my best friend once said, "If it's meant to be, it will happen". I think your timelines are very reasonable. And it's unfair of him to be waving them away. Link to post Share on other sites
mukkrakker Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Yesterday he told me that him and his mom are moving into a new house Wow, that's way out of left field surely, after you guys had already been looking for yourselves? I may have missed this but why is he living with his mother? Does she need someone to be living with her? Sorry, only questions, no answers. But I think your honeymoon just ended... Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Phoe, you need to take about 20 steps back. You need to tell him that things are moving too quickly and that moving in together is not an option at the moment, period. You guys are not ready...good lord you've been dating only a couple of months! You are still getting to know each other, as in love as you may be. He can't wake up without you? What is that s.hit? Yes he can. He has millions of times. The way he has handled this is a huge red flag, I hope you don't ignore it. The way he flip flops multiple times in a matter of HOURS is not okay. You guys shouldn't even be fighting yet at only a couple months in. I'm not suggesting breaking up or anything but seriously, you need to look at this more objectively. Unfortunately this is the type of thing that blindsides you when you jump into an insta-relationship and skip the in between. You go from strangers to in love without the middle part and the middle part is very important and tells you a lot about a person. There are things about a person you can ONLY learn with time. Important things. It's easier to spot red flags and warnings when you don't decide someone is "it" after a couple of weeks...it's the whole seeing the trees through the forest thing..... Good luck, I think your relationship would benefit from you guys slowing your roll....there's no need to race full speed ahead. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 He needs to shi.t or get off the pot and stop changing his mind so much! My suggestion? Go to couples counseling together and sort this out. He is being unreasonable expecting you to move in with him and his mom! I can understand he wants to save money, but he needs to cut the cord and live life. So what if things get a bit stressful with finances. It happens and it's part of life! His idea of a gated community, do you live in a very unsafe City? He seems to be scared. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoe Posted February 8, 2014 Author Share Posted February 8, 2014 Man... things just seemingly got more bizarre. We talked on the phone after I got off work and the conversation didn't go very well. He accused me of being easily irritated. Yes, I'm irritated by this and I wish that I wasn't, but he truly does not understand why this bothers me. In his eyes it's no big deal. In his eyes it's "hey, move in with me and mom, we'll barely even see my mom anyway, we'll get more time together, and finances will be better for us. WIN" - he literally sees no real downside to this. The fact that I am extremely uncomfortable makes no sense to him. It does not compute in his mind. So to him, I'm being unreasonable and high strung over this. I ought to be more easy going and agreeable. Twice now in the past 24 hours I've felt like he's made a slight on my character. I'm easy irritated/not agreeable, and it says a lot about me that I don't want to try. He legitimately thinks badly of me over this. He says he will build a cat playhouse in the spare bedroom for my cat. He says it will only be for a few months. YEAAHHH anytime anyone ever says "It's just temporary, it's only for a few months" things get dragged out way longer than necessary. Then the real kicker - he says he's not actually worried about finances and that he could financially afford it, but has another priority for his money right now. Yes, he finally told me what his secret "priority" from earlier was. He wants to donate his money. He wants to give his money to the homeless, to animal shelters, to adopting local streets. And that's all very lovely. But RIGHT NOW? I'm going through some positional upheavals at work and quite frankly am not stable at all, my company may go down any day. He's currently on seasonal unemployment but should be starting up again next month. So yes, financially we would only scrape by with a place of our own, and NOT doing that would be good for us to save. But now, instead of saving, he wants to put his money towards charity. Right now during the most financially unstable time for us. And he says he's not trying to put me on the back burner but that this is something he NEEDS to do right now. He feels very strongly that now is his time to do good. Okay. With all of the above, the logical thing would be to just continue living separately until at least the end of the year. But he is adamant that we will not be able to grow as a couple if we are apart like this. This has made me incredibly unhappy. There is no happy option for me. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Well, my dad used to be super worried about my finances when I moved out. One day, my cousin told me : She's gonna have money problem whether you like it or not. By that she meant everybody has money problem at one point or another. Then you spend less money for a while and things come back to normal. If he is just worried about the financial aspect, he needs to understand he can't spend his life waiting to be financially secure against everything. ****'s gonna happen. ****'s gonna go away. This! It happens to most people at some point. I lost my job and we're temporarily staying at my mom and step-dad's for a few months until I get another job and we pay off some debts. Unfortunately, we couldn't afford to keep our last apartment on one income due to the high living cost here. It was for the best though. We want to get another apartment as quickly as possible, but we need to be in better financial shape. I can understand the OP's reluctance to living with her fiance's mom, as my husband just cannot stand being around my dad for a long period of time either. OP, if your fiance is worried so much about finances that he wants you to live with him and his mom, he's probably not ready to get married yet IMO. Finances should be secured first before the M. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoe Posted February 8, 2014 Author Share Posted February 8, 2014 (edited) His big problem is that he's incredibly impulsive. He leaps before he looks. Hell, he leaps before he has even finished his thought. He gets these grand ideas, thinks "Holy crap, that's awesome, let's do it!" - then when his mind settles down from the excitement and he has time to actually think, he realizes his initial idea may be irrational or illogical. Unfortunately, by the time he reaches that realization, I'm already past my tipping point. And if you try to tell him he's impulsive, he will have none of it. He thinks he's not impulsive in the slightest. *shrug* I just try my best to combat it. Edit: In response to some previous questions : His mother is perfectly self sufficient, they are just living together out of convenience. She is okay on her own. We live in a small town. It's mostly safe. His requirements for keeping me safe were over the top. He rejected a perfectly lovely gated community apartment because the window to the bedroom was next to the front door, and he felt it would be unsafe because that window would tempt someone to break in. So then he insisted it had to be upstairs only so that no one could kick in a window. He wanted a second security door over the front door. Gates all around the complex. Live in on site manager. Security. Guns and self defense lessons for me. Pepper spray. It's as if he was guarding me against a damned zombie apocalypse. I was perfectly fine with a normal apartment. He said he'd never feel comfortable leaving me alone at home in a complex that wasn't 100% secure. Edited February 8, 2014 by Phoe Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 (edited) Stability with this type of man is impossible. He isn't being logical about money...what, he wants to donate money after he said he wanted to save for an emergency fund after wanting to get a place together? Nothing about this makes any sense....it is almost if he is manic. Phoe, there are several thongs to consider here. One is that he doesn't seem to be able to relate to you or empathize with you....brings me back to his impulsiveness and manic behavior. He almost seems mentally unstable and is most decidedly wishy washy and inconsiderate. Second, he seems to not live in reality. He has ideas of granduer. He says he wants to donate money and yet is living with his mother. This behavior is very flighty and isn't stable at all. He keeps changing his reasoning when you don't agree so how can you even tell what his real beliefs and motives are for anything. I hope that you won't let the fact that you have had issues finding a bf in the past keep you in this unstable and frankly baffling situation. Your bf has issues relating to you, is not cognizant of your comfort level, is not compassionate to your situation with your cat as his mothers allergies will be affected since keeping a cat in one room is no way for an animal to live, and is moving too fast for a fledgling relationship. Trust the red flags blowing all over the place here because he is trying to manipulate and control you and has some serious stability and relationship issues. You can't be in a relationship if the other person is indecisive to the point of micromanaging your life in a vacuum of chaos. This man is moving fast because he knows that from his past relationships you will soon figure out that he is unstable and controlling. He needs to get you locked onto a situation with him so you can't leave so easily. This is trouble and very unhealthy for you. Please don't stay with a man like this or you will find yourself in a relationship that burned out fast with only ashes in the aftermath. Good luck, Grumps Edited February 8, 2014 by Grumpybutfun 9 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 His big problem is that he's incredibly impulsive. He leaps before he looks. Hell, he leaps before he has even finished his thought. He gets these grand ideas, thinks "Holy crap, that's awesome, let's do it!" - then when his mind settles down from the excitement and he has time to actually think, he realizes his initial idea may be irrational or illogical. That's really not a good trait in a partner. It explains why the relationship has moved so quickly though. How can you ever trust a person's decisions when they are like this? You never know if later he will regret them. I would tell him this. Anyway, does your bf honestly think it's normal for a couple of 2 or 3 months to move in together? It's not. I would ask him about this. What's your idea of resolution to this, Phoe? And, again, maybe I missed it but you said he travels for work and whatnot....why can't he just stay over night at your place when he is in town without moving in? and bulls.hit about him wanting to donate money. He's saying that to appeal to your emotional side. I thought he needed to save money? He can't even keep his stories straight. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Divasu Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 His big problem is that he's incredibly impulsive. He leaps before he looks. Hell, he leaps before he has even finished his thought. All housing matters aside, do realize that being in a relationship with someone who has impulsive behaviors means very little stability. If what you want is stability, you most likely won't find it here. But if you're in the mood for a fun ride, hop on!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Eh....sounds like the OP needs to decide if she wants a man or a boy...He's obviously not a man...Its as simple as that... I do wish her well.. TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalCastles Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I hope that you won't let the fact that you have had issues finding a bf in the past keep you in this unstable and frankly baffling situation. ^^^THIS^^^ You are a sweet girl, Phoe, and you deserve a good man. Your bf has issues relating to you, is not cognizant of your comfort level, is not compassionate to your situation with your cat as his mothers allergies will be affected since keeping a cat in one room is no way for an animal to live, and is moving too fast for a fledgling relationship. ^^^THIS^^^ He isn't thinking about your comfort level at all in this. That's very unfair to you, since it takes two to have a relationship. He seems to be disregarding your feelings in favour of his own convenience. Also, your comment about the 850$ apartment is just...unbelievable. Seriously? That's just way over the top. If the 500$ apartment is perfectly fine, there's no reason not to move in there, especially since it's more financially wise for the both of you. You're an independent, self-sufficient woman and it's completely ridiculous and unrealistic for him to be acting like you're an infant, not an adult. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoe Posted February 8, 2014 Author Share Posted February 8, 2014 Well, I'm certainly not about to break up with him over one issue, but this is definitely something that needs to be addressed between us. He's a wonderful boyfriend and is worth the effort to fix our problem here Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Well, I'm certainly not about to break up with him over one issue, but this is definitely something that needs to be addressed between us. He's a wonderful boyfriend and is worth the effort to fix our problem here If all you got from our advice was "break up" then you are just interpretting in extremes. What do you think of some of the other ideas offered? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 You can't live on "love". You may love him a lot and he may love you too, but this is ridiculous. He hasn't been up front and honest with you from the get go. He is picking at you, all the meanwhile his recent behaviour and how he's handled all this is really immature. Take time to re think if you really want to marry this guy, let alone live with him. Guess he doesn't understand the word compromise. Go to couples counseling together and figure it out otherwise if this continues as things are, resentments are going to build up and you two will eventually break up. Link to post Share on other sites
OpheliaSong Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Well, I'm certainly not about to break up with him over one issue, but this is definitely something that needs to be addressed between us. He's a wonderful boyfriend and is worth the effort to fix our problem here Is this really one issue, or a disconnect on how he sees a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 You can't live on "love". You may love him a lot and he may love you too, but this is ridiculous. He hasn't been up front and honest with you from the get go. He is picking at you, all the meanwhile his recent behaviour and how he's handled all this is really immature. Take time to re think if you really want to marry this guy, let alone live with him. Guess he doesn't understand the word compromise. Go to couples counseling together and figure it out otherwise if this continues as things are, resentments are going to build up and you two will eventually break up. Couples counseling? They've been dating since December. Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Briefly: 1. Do NOT move in with his mom. She may seem harmless but she will monitor your every move and all this may be used against you. I learnt the hard way. 2. He doesn't seem like a responsible person to tie your life with, I'm sorry to say. I'm not saying men should wait forever to get married, but showing some responsibility to plan things for your life and your future kids' life is mandatory. 3. You learn much about someone in their worst moments. Notice how he fights with you, his behavior, his words, his actions. Imagine that you spend your life with this person being like this 30% of the time. Can you take it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Has he ever lived alone? If not, it sounds like he wants to go from one woman taking care of him to another. The $5000 or whatever amount he wants to save for the wedding or down payment on a house or whatever, will escalate to $10,000 when it comes time to planning a wedding and a move away. I like the idea a previous poster had of you moving to your own place closer to him and his mother. Easy enough for him to stay in either place. It wouldn't surprise me if you got married and he had his mother move in with you on some pretext or another. Is he very insecure and jealous so thinks unless you or his mother can keep an eye on you, you will cheat on him? What have his past relationships been like? If arguments continue, suggest couples counseling and tell him you want an impartial third party to mediate. Don't let him think you want him to go because he is crazy! Link to post Share on other sites
Divasu Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Well, I'm certainly not about to break up with him over one issue, but this is definitely something that needs to be addressed between us. He's a wonderful boyfriend and is worth the effort to fix our problem here Do you consider guilt mongering over a major decision 'good' treatment? Hmmm... You have an adult man that apparently NEEDS (as you put it), a woman he's known for two months to move in with him and his mother. I wonder, are the circumstances so dire apart that this is the only solution? Do you both live thousands of miles apart or something? That if you don't oblige, he is not sure how much longer he can "mentally" take not living with you? This is a bit intense/drastic... How about a decision that brings pleasure for the both of you that doesn't leave the other feeling bewildered or slighted. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 It sounds like he's attempting to wear you down by continuing to ask for the same thing to suit his selfish needs. He isn't considering your feelings - and he continues to disrespect you by bringing it up after you told him it's not up for discussing any longer since he changes his mind. He wants you - but he runs back to mommy for his security and safety net. He's not working right now! That's terrible! He's selfish and not offering you much to admire. He acts like a 2 year old continuing to ask for what he wants. Any man - when it's all about him - isn't worth considering. Link to post Share on other sites
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