MM/Childsupport UPDATE!

[Ruffian1]

Thank you but I never said that. I would like for him to have a relationship with her. What rules or assumptions are you referring too? I don't remember listing either. He will follow guidelines he will not be able to throw his weight around and feel the he can do whatever, whenever I will not tolerate that.

 

These assumptions, that he is going to go along easily with all the procedures and what is expected he should/would do.

He's been gone all this time, havent cooperated with ANYTHING. All of a sudden he wants to talk.

Hell, he had the opportunity to bring his pay stubs and everything to court and he ignored it all.

He was sent the paperwork for all that in Nov and he ignored it.

What pisses me off is he DIDNT care about getting one UNTIL he saw that dollar sign and now he thinks if he ask for a test and claim he's getting a lawyer that will prolong him paying even longer.

 

and

He will follow guidelines he will not be able to throw his weight around and feel the he can do whatever, whenever I will not tolerate that.

He is probably saying the same thing about you.

[hurtnomorerika]

These assumptions, that he is going to go along easily with all the procedures and what is expected he should/would do.

 

 

and

 

He is probably saying the same thing about you.

 

When did u get the impression that I was ruling him or trying make him do something other than what he's supposed to do and that takes care of his/our daughter.

 

I guess what you're saying and correct me if I'm wrong....it's okay for him to decide when/if he's going to take care of my daughter and I should be okay with that.

 

He can say whatever but by law he's going to support her rather he likes it or not. I STILL say I'm gonna have guidelines too, he will NOT think he's going to come laying down all theses rules whatever they maybe and I abide by them. To hell with that. We'll be going back to court.

[hurtnomorerika]

850 for one child ?

 

Jesus Christ that's outrageous.[/quote

 

 

Okay, I am kind of laughing. Poor baby has to pay 850. Meanwhile the child's mother pays the mortgage, the power, the gas, the water, gets him clothes and food, books... outrageous is it? Jesus. Take a chair.

 

Exactly!

[Ruffian1]

correct me if I'm wrong....it's okay for him to decide when/if he's going to take care of my daughter and I should be okay with that.

 

Oh hell no, I don't mean it's okay for him to decide when or if . . . . he most definitely should take care of her . . I am just saying he is not going to go along smoothly with you or the system. He is probably trying to maintain some kind of control over the situation and wants to do it on his time-table not yours. However, he only has so many tactics he can use until the legal system nails him. He knows that.

[Popsicle]

Be prepared for him to ask the court for custody or shared time (of his child that he at first didn't care about and wanted nothing to do with) just so he doesn't have to pay as much child support.

[hurtnomorerika]

Be prepared for him to ask the court for custody or shared time (of his child that he at first didn't care about and wanted nothing to do with) just so he doesn't have to pay as much child support.

 

That's IF go ahead and tells his wife, only time will tell.

[whichwayisup]

When did u get the impression that I was ruling him or trying make him do something other than what he's supposed to do and that takes care of his/our daughter.

 

I guess what you're saying and correct me if I'm wrong....it's okay for him to decide when/if he's going to take care of my daughter and I should be okay with that.

 

He can say whatever but by law he's going to support her rather he likes it or not. I STILL say I'm gonna have guidelines too, he will NOT think he's going to come laying down all theses rules whatever they maybe and I abide by them. To hell with that. We'll be going back to court.

 

Just prepare yourself that one day he may want shared custody. Chances are that won't happen since his behaviour now has shown you he has no interest in being a father, he's dragged his feet through this whole process.

 

I see this has been brought up, (edited to add), as long as he is stable and his wife is OK with the situation and he's been in her life, getting to know his daughter, there's no reason why at some point in the future you two can't have shared custody and she has a step mom too. Never know this could work out well for everybody..time will tell.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know how he sleeps at night. He can get a lawyer all he wants but he's going to look really when the judge asks him has did anything for the baby and he says No.

 

I can't wait until the test results are read and I can laugh in his face and everything still goes just like they were supposed too.

 

Need to ask, sorry, but is there ANY chance it's not his? If that's a 100% yes it's his and no chance of it being another guy's, makes me wonder if he has a real problem/denial and how he can even think of the DNA test showing it's not his. My mind can't wrap around that one, at all!

 

And, how can he hide this from his wife and kids. Eventually they ALL will find out the truth, it's gonna be much worse than if he had told them months ago.

[hurtnomorerika]

Need to ask, sorry, but is there ANY chance it's not his? If that's a 100% yes it's his and no chance of it being another guy's, makes me wonder if he has a real problem/denial and how he can even think of the DNA test showing it's not his. My mind can't wrap around that one, at all!

 

And, how can he hide this from his wife and kids. Eventually they ALL will find out the truth, it's gonna be much worse than if he had told them months ago.

 

No, she's %100 his, I almost wish I could say it was a possibility someone else could her father to keep from going through this. EVERYONE will know eventually and it will be much worse.

[Eggplant]

How do you know his wife doesn't know already?

 

As far as joint custody to get reduced child-support payments, that should theoretically work for the OP too, since then her daughter will have a father involved, and he'll be paying for her while she's there, so it'll be the same money-wise.

[Trimmer]

Also, this sounds fairly standard just from what I know about wealthy individuals and family law situations. A family friend who recently got divorced is paying his ex-wife $3,000 per month in alimony for the next 10 years - that's more than half of his monthly salary. They didn't have any kids together, and they were only married for 7 years, late in life (a second marriage for both of them).

Alimony and child support, while both payments, are VERY different things. Where I live, alimony is negotiable and in a sense, "flexible"; child support is calculated - literally - by a mathematical formula, according to specific guidelines with very little flexibility for adjustments or negotiation.

 

Even if he was paying for every single thing the child ever needed himself, 850+ a month is still waaaaay more than that kid needs. I'm basing this on my job. I receive a lot of income wit holding for support orders. The average seems to be between 250 to 400. So seeing one that's double, triple what I usually see is surprising.

As I think some folks have pointed out, a significant difference in cost of living across the country is not out of the question. Also, where I live, child support usually uses parents' salaries as the baseline, so a more wealthy parent will inherently calculate out to a higher amount, based on his/her ability to provide, and this follows an assumption that the child's standard (and therefore cost) of living will be close to that of the parents, so it's not wholly unreasonable.

 

This may be a better assumption in the case of a divorce than an extramarital affair/pregnancy but on the average, it is designed to serve the children's interest, and (again, in the state where I live, anyway) the rigidity of its calculation minimizes having parents legally maneuvering to screw each other over at the expense of the child.

 

Ally ell you one thing for sure, it'd be lower if he cooperated.

Where I live, child support is not at all punitive or based on negotiation or cooperation, etc. It is very strictly calculated. You may be thinking of alimony.

 

Need to ask, sorry, but is there ANY chance it's not his? If that's a 100% yes it's his and no chance of it being another guy's, makes me wonder if he has a real problem/denial and how he can even think of the DNA test showing it's not his. My mind can't wrap around that one, at all!

Only the woman can know, with 100% certainty who the father is. The man can never, ever be 100% certain. As a woman, you instinctively know that you can be sure. As a man, I just as instinctively know that I cannot. It's just as obvious to me as it is hard to fathom for you. And not to cast stones at the OP, but this started out as a situation where people were deceiving each other and hiding the fact that they were having sex with others, and it further deteriorated into an even more mistrustful situation where deception and secrecy is still occurring, so it it really that much of a stretch?

Edited February 9, 2014 by Trimmer

[Mascara]

That's all fine and dandy but...

 

the state can take his money, but can't make him be a father. You might be on your own on this one ( alone expect for the money ) and I just want to make sure you know that. I'm sure you do.

 

True, but there are two elements to being a parent - providing for their practical needs, and providing for their emotional ones. If he does at least one of them, that may be a comfort to his child when she's older.

 

I was in a similar situation, although my ex wasn't married. He just didn't want anything to do with us when I became pregnant. I actually told him that if he agreed to see our child and be an active part of their life, I wouldn't claim child support (not suggesting the op does this)

 

He refused, so I claimed for child support. In an ideal world he would have been a proper parent in both regards, but I compromised and let him choose just one.

[Lady2163]

Let's evaluate this again...

 

To the best of my knowledge, most states have a strict percentage of income that can be garnished from your wages. I believe it is 20-25%.

 

MM failed to show up in court, which rankled the judge. MM would have been served by a process server, county sheriff or at the very least, certified mail. Somebody, somewhere made him (or his wife) sign.

 

People seem to think $850 is too much money for a non-custodial parent to pay. I contend that in most cases, the parent with full custody IS paying more than 25% of their income to raising their child.

 

I remember what the OP said she did for employment. Probably even before child support, she made "too much money" for most government assistance programs, but still wasn't living a life of luxury.

 

So, the OP has a good salary and the married man is making approximately $50,000 plus.

 

If OP was raising the child without any child support, she would probably grow up to have a solid middle class upbringing.

 

The $850 a month, probably means the ability to live in a nicer neighborhood, which means nicer schools, which can mean more opportunities.

 

$850 a month can mean better health care.

$850 a month can mean a college fund.

$850 a month probably won't ensure private school, but it makes that possible

$850 a month means the mother won't stress or avoid paying $400+ for drivers education when the child is old enough. I know poorer families who have picked and chosen which children learn to drive and which don't. Needless to say, the non drivers have grown up expecting to be chauffeured everywhere.

 

The other thing I would comment on is that what kind of quality of life do MM four other children have? This child deserves to have a comparable quality of life that is provided by his income.

 

Yes, the child *could* possibly be raised for less money. But why should she if the money is there? Just because other people HAVE to graduate college with loans hanging over her head, doesn't mean she should if MM could have afforded it, but only wanted to pay, oh, say 10% of his salary.

 

In my opinion only, it seems to me that people think the child should only be provided the bare essentials and the mother should be forced to struggle every day of her existence for choosing to have a child out of wedlock and raise it herself.

 

It isn't like Donald Trump money is involved here, but it is maybe more money than most people on here might be earning. Money doesn't buy happiness, but money does buy freedom and choices. This child will have more choices.

 

OP as always, good luck. I hope this doesn't read totally out there, but I,look forward to your updates. Everytime I read something from you I am reminded; where there is tragedy, there is also triumph.

[hurtnomorerika]

Alimony and child support, while both payments, are VERY different things. Where I live, alimony is negotiable and in a sense, "flexible"; child support is calculated - literally - by a mathematical formula, according to specific guidelines with very little flexibility for adjustments or negotiation.

 

 

As I think some folks have pointed out, a significant difference in cost of living across the country is not out of the question. Also, where I live, child support usually uses parents' salaries as the baseline, so a more wealthy parent will inherently calculate out to a higher amount, based on his/her ability to provide, and this follows an assumption that the child's standard (and therefore cost) of living will be close to that of the parents, so it's not wholly unreasonable.

 

This may be a better assumption in the case of a divorce than an extramarital affair/pregnancy but on the average, it is designed to serve the children's interest, and (again, in the state where I live, anyway) the rigidity of its calculation minimizes having parents legally maneuvering to screw each other over at the expense of the child.

 

 

Where I live, child support is not at all punitive or based on negotiation or cooperation, etc. It is very strictly calculated. You may be thinking of alimony.

 

 

Only the woman can know, with 100% certainty who the father is. The man can never, ever be 100% certain. As a woman, you instinctively know that you can be sure. As a man, I just as instinctively know that I cannot. It's just as obvious to me as it is hard to fathom for you. And not to cast stones at the OP, but this started out as a situation where people were deceiving each other and hiding the fact that they were having sex with others, and it further deteriorated into an even more mistrustful situation where deception and secrecy is still occurring, so it it really that much of a stretch?

 

 

As I said before I know she's 100% his and I ENCOURAGED a paternity test he's the one that's not cooperating. You would think a person in HIS situation would be breaking his neck to prove the child wasn't his so he could get us out of his hair and move on. He chose to play games and thought this thing would drag out but it didn't. Now he wants to cooperate which I think he's just coming up with something else to keep his wages from being garnished. Also, he deceived me from the beginning lying about his relationship status.

Edited February 9, 2014 by hurtnomorerika

[yellowmaverick]

Only the woman can know, with 100% certainty who the father is. The man can

never, ever be 100% certain. As a woman, you instinctively know that you can be

sure. As a man, I just as instinctively know that I cannot. It's just as

obvious to me as it is hard to fathom for you. And not to cast stones at the

OP, but this started out as a situation where people were deceiving each other

and hiding the fact that they were having sex with others, and it further

deteriorated into an even more mistrustful situation where deception and secrecy

is still occurring, so it it really that much of a stretch?

 

I think that this is a valid point. I think that there is a lot of inherent distrust on both sides in affair relationships - for good reason. However, he now just needs to "man up" and take the test.

[GreySkyMorning]

And people wonder why men don't want to get married.

 

Even if he was paying for every single thing the child ever needed himself, 850+ a month is still waaaaay more than that kid needs. I'm basing this on my job. I receive a lot of income wit holding for support orders. The average seems to be between 250 to 400. So seeing one that's double, triple what I usually see is surprising.

Good thing I'm not paying it.

 

Just to throw another perspective in here, the state I live in bases child support on the expected cost of raising the child compared to how much each parent makes, with credit for overnight stays at each parents home. For instance, say that they decide it costs $1000 a month to raise the child that lives 100% with her mother. Both incomes are compared, he makes the higher income and is expected to contribute the higher share. The courts may say mom can pay 40% of the cost, dad pays the other 60% of the cost. Everything is taken into consideration. If I were childless, I could live in a one bedroom apartment. Because I have two teenage children, I have to have a three bedroom apartment that costs me $400/mo more. That's considered an expense solely incurred as the costs of raising my children. My kids no longer need childcare, but if they did, there's another $600-$800/mo. My grocery bill would be a third of what it is if i were childless, utilities would be less, etc. Kids need clothing and basic supplies. All those things are considered and then the non-custodial parent pays his share of that.

 

In my case, my kids are with their father 48 nights a year, every other weekend. He gets credit for those nights. And no, i don't really think that's entirely fair. His basic living expenses haven't changed. He doesn't require a larger home for one thing. He can still live in his one bedroom place and the kids sleep on the couch when there.

 

Just the way its done in Indiana. Also, other children are always considered into the available income of the non custodial parent here. A percentage comes off his income for what he provides to their care too.

[CarrieT]

$850 a month is relative.

 

Here in San Francisco, you can't rent a ROOM for that amount, let alone survive. Seriously - people are renting couches to sleep on for $600+ a month.

[Trimmer]

As I said before I know she's 100% his and I ENCOURAGED a paternity test he's the one that's not cooperating. You would think a person in HIS situation would be breaking his neck to prove the child wasn't his so he could get us out of his hair and move on. He chose to play games and thought this thing would drag out but it didn't. Now he wants to cooperate which I think he's just coming up with something else to keep his wages from being garnished. Also, he deceived me from the beginning lying about his relationship status.

Hey, I get it - I'm totally with you... I was just replying to WWIU, who seemed mystified about how a man could not be 100% sure when the woman was 100% sure, and I was just pointing out that the basis of confidence is always going to be different for a man than it is for a woman.

 

I get your points all the way.

[cozycottagelg]

It is so different reading the posts here and reading over at the infidelity forum. They would be on you to tell the wife. I know you have said several times that it isn't your problem and that it's his job...but I really feel like someone should tell her... and I normally don't have that opinion.

 

Does he have young children? Do you live in the same town? Is he a good father to the ones that he has?

 

This whole thing is baffling.

[Ruffian1]

hurtnomorerika

 

Wasn't you exMM's BS pregnant?

 

Did she have a baby? Was it a boy?

Just curious.

[goodyblue]

If she knows and puts her blinders on, that is *****ed.

[hurtnomorerika]

It is so different reading the posts here and reading over at the infidelity forum. They would be on you to tell the wife. I know you have said several times that it isn't your problem and that it's his job...but I really feel like someone should tell her... and I normally don't have that opinion.

 

Does he have young children? Do you live in the same town? Is he a good father to the ones that he has?

 

This whole thing is baffling.

 

I know it is, this something you see in movies. I never in a million years thought would be dealing with something like this. Its amazing.

[hurtnomorerika]

hurtnomorerika

 

Wasn't you exMM's BS pregnant?

 

Did she have a baby? Was it a boy?

Just curious.

 

Yes she had a girl, she will turn 1 on the Feb 27. Our babies are 6 months apart.

[hurtnomorerika]

If she knows and puts her blinders on, that is *****ed.

 

I believe she knows or has an inkling of whats going on. The case worker said that when he was served, the paper work was given to someone else. Im assuming it was BS. I went on FB out of curiosity and she had been posting memes about liars, and etc. However, she post pics of them together, and they're outings or whatnot. I just think she's in denial. But If he does get a lawyer, it will all come out, because they will want her income too. For some reason, I see it getting worse before its better.

[cozycottagelg]

I don't know if you live in close proximity...but something to think about.

 

When my best friend was 18 years old, she found out that one of her classmates was her brother. Her real father had left her mom during pregnancy, and she remarried to the man she considers her father...however at age 18, she was asked out by the brother as neither of them had any idea.

 

I know this isn't something that happens often..or hopefully it doesn't, but this was a great family that you wouldn't suspect something like this happening. It wasn't some trashy redneck situation..it was a real live heartbreak for this girl to have been lied to for 18 years

 

This may not even be in the realm of possibility, but when I read your story, it's all I think about.