What do you think of "Walking" dates?

[kiss_andmakeup]

Im just the opposite. Communicate to your partner. Don't blindside them with dome sophomoric secret game. Talk about where the relationship is going. Understand that seldom do people reach the same feeling at the same time. Set a couple of mile posts to have the talk again and a final date to commit. Its got to be realistic for both. My husband's step mother dated for 14 years before his dad married her.

 

I agree that communication is important. Trust me...I had those conversations with my fiancé, too. What I don't agree with is saying to your SO, "If you don't propose by (specific date) I'm leaving you." There's a whole lot of gray area there. Communication is one thing...an ultimatum is something entirely different.

[MissBee]

In an ideal world, the topic of marriage could be openly discussed from day 1. Unfortunately, I'd worry that alluding to it too early would make even otherwise level-headed men feel too much pressure. In order to feel comfortable enough for people to let their guard down and get to know each other in a relaxed way, there needs to be a very low-key, casual period. So it's a tricky dance between boldly stating your marriage goal outright versus not communicating enough soon enough.

 

I often wonder what it would be like to go to a marriage matchmaker, as Indian couples do. The problem doesn't exist when everybody comes in with the explicit purpose of finding a husband or wife.

 

It's not that tricky of a dance.

 

I don't mean on your first date you announce you want to be married...but I mean little questions come up as you're getting to know someone or they make comments that give you a lot of information about their views. I dated a guy once who as we were discussing this movie about this couple, marriage came up and he said he would never get married and doesn't believe in it. I didn't even have to ask him, he revealed his own thoughts on the subject and I knew then we could never be serious.

 

Even just recently in online dating I started talking to this guy who in the course of our first conversation talked about his parents' marriage and how one day he hopes to have what they have....it wasn't weird or awkward neither did I have to press him and I already figured he was a marriage-minded man. So there are lots of "non-invasive" ways to gauge this early on without outright asking or making it weird. Point is, if you're dating with the hope to find a committed relationship, then while it may not be on the first date or first conversation that you ask certain things or find out certain things, you certainly shouldn't be unaware of this person's views on marriage, children, monogamy until 1 year later or 3 years in....you should be gauging this, figuring this out and asking BEFORE you decide to be exclusive, in the early weeks and months at least.

[iris219]

The original post has assumed the woman wants marriage sooner than the man. Does it always happen that way? Is there not ever a case where the man gets frustrated because his girlfriend isn't ready for marriage?

 

I think many men are more satisfied being bf/gf indefinitely than women are, but there are exceptions.

 

With my ex, I kept telling him I wasn't ready because I was too young and needed to finish school. In reality, I just didn't see myself marrying him.

 

This isn't the quite same, but my FI was ready to ask me to marry him before I would have said yes (maybe I would have; I'm not sure, honestly). He said he considered asking me in first couple months of our relationship. When we were talking about moving in together, he said he would only do it if we were married within 2 years. At that point, it was clear we both wanted the same things--marriage and family with each other--so of course I agreed.

[Phantom888]

When I fell in love with my woman, I couldn't wait to marry her. I mean, when you find the perfect match, you want to stake your claim!!! I never understood why women have to pressure men to propose.....or why some men are so reluctant. Makes no sense to me.

 

If a woman has to give an ultimatum like a walking date, that means the man really doesn't want to have a future with her. It's almost like "why even bother with this ultimatum?" If he views marrying you as "eternal damnation", then why would you want to force it on him? How can such marriage be fulfilling? He doesn't want to marry you. He's waiting for someone whom he wants to marry, and you are just a place-holder. If you have to force a guy to marry you, then he's not the right man for you.

 

The whole point is that you BOTH want to share a future together. No one has to force anything. If one party is reluctant, that should be a clear sign that it will NEVER happen. Why would you want to force someone to do something he doesn't want to? Would a marriage be that meaningful if it's forced?

[Eggplant]

It's not that tricky of a dance.

 

I don't mean on your first date you announce you want to be married...but I mean little questions come up as you're getting to know someone or they make comments that give you a lot of information about their views. I dated a guy once who as we were discussing this movie about this couple, marriage came up and he said he would never get married and doesn't believe in it. I didn't even have to ask him, he revealed his own thoughts on the subject and I knew then we could never be serious.

 

Even just recently in online dating I started talking to this guy who in the course of our first conversation talked about his parents' marriage and how one day he hopes to have what they have....it wasn't weird or awkward neither did I have to press him and I already figured he was a marriage-minded man. So there are lots of "non-invasive" ways to gauge this early on without outright asking or making it weird. Point is, if you're dating with the hope to find a committed relationship, then while it may not be on the first date or first conversation that you ask certain things or find out certain things, you certainly shouldn't be unaware of this person's views on marriage, children, monogamy until 1 year later or 3 years in....you should be gauging this, figuring this out and asking BEFORE you decide to be exclusive, in the early weeks and months at least.

I definitely agree. And if the topic is unnatural after a few weeks, then you aren't "natural" enough together to be exclusive yet, which is completely normal and reasonable in my opinion. To me, it'd be normal for two people who were worried about getting it right to be wishy-washy for months. The real issue is that by committing to be a girlfriend or boyfriend after a week or something, you are completely off the market and not looking, and I think this very first step gets rushed. Paradoxically, the fastest path to marriage may be to be commitment-phobic in the very beginning.

[MissBee]

When I fell in love with my woman, I couldn't wait to marry her. I mean, when you find the perfect match, you want to stake your claim!!! I never understood why women have to pressure men to propose.....or why some men are so reluctant. Makes no sense to me.

 

If a woman has to give an ultimatum like a walking date, that means the man really doesn't want to have a future with her. It's almost like "why even bother with this ultimatum?" If he views marrying you as "eternal damnation", then why would you want to force it on him? How can such marriage be fulfilling? He doesn't want to marry you. He's waiting for someone whom he wants to marry, and you are just a place-holder. If you have to force a guy to marry you, then he's not the right man for you.

 

The whole point is that you BOTH want to share a future together. No one has to force anything. If one party is reluctant, that should be a clear sign that it will NEVER happen. Why would you want to force someone to do something he doesn't want to? Would a marriage be that meaningful if it's forced?

 

Perfectly said!

 

I have ZERO interest in beseeching a man to marry me or giving ultimatums.

 

I only want a man who can't wait for me to be his wife and as you said, when such is the case you don't have to do anything to convince him. He brings it up on his own GLADLY!

 

When a man is in love with you and sees that with you he won't be able to help but allude to it and bring it up outright, he doesn't need years and years to figure this out, by 1-3 years, he will KNOW. If in that time (in the case of people who aren't teens or very young adults) he says NOTHING concrete or never brings it up or only vaguely, trust that he isn't excited about making you his wife and marriage is hard enough among those madly in love much less where someone is reluctant.