"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

[Stranger516]

I'm 24, BF is 26. We've been together for 7 years.

 

 

We've always planned on going to college, having a career, getting married and having kids.

 

 

I am in nursing school and will be finished next spring (2015).

 

 

He is done with school, currently has his masters, and works full time so he where he wants to be career wise already.

 

 

2 months ago-we finally moved in together!

 

 

We talk about getting married a lot, but there is no set date on when we will be getting engaged/married. He took me shopping for a birthday gift in December and I picked out a bracelet at the jewelry store. On our way out I jokingly said "ooh look at those rings! (pointing to engagement rings)." He said "Why don't you show me what you like?" So I pointed out to him which ones I like and which ones I didn't like. He said he was talking to someone at his job and his co-worker told him that when he was ready he has a friend in the diamond district who can help him with a ring. I felt like asking when he would be ready but I let it go.

 

 

The next day while I was at work (I work in a hospital as a nurses aide), one of the patients started up casual conversation with me. She asked if I had a bf, how long we have been together etc... I told her 7 years and that we finally just moved in together. She said "Don't live with him too long without a ring...... he may start thinking: why buy the cow when I get the milk for free?"

 

 

I have no doubts about him proposing, but that comment made me uneasy. Do you think now that we live together that he will have no incentive to propose right away? How long should I expect to live together before he proposes? Right now, the most important thing to me is to finish school and to start working full time. I wouldn't mind getting engaged after that, but sooner would be great too!

 

 

Any advice?

[Keenly]

I think you should tell a complete stranger to back the hell out of your business.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Ive never understood what it is about the topics of marriage and children that make people feel entitled to nose into the lives of perfect strangers (and then to go so far as to offer their own unsolicited advice). I really can't stand that.

 

If you're secure in your relationship, and it sounds like you are, then don't worry about what some random lady said. You are right to have school as your priority right now.

 

My personal rule was that I didn't want to move in with my (now fiancé) until we began openly discussing marriage and were actively moving in that direction. So I moved in and he proposed a month later. No big deal.

[Misfortune]

And thus it begins. Great life/relationship....one 3rd party comment and things slowly begin to hit the fan.

 

After 7 years, I'm pretty sure he's already gotten said milk and decided it's worth buying the cow for. no?

[Stranger516]

I agree- it did piss me off that she felt the need to say something like that when it is none of her business.

 

 

Thanks for the replies!

[Misfortune]

I find that people only go the upset/"....mind your business" route when said comment doesn't line up with their views.

 

Those are her views, unless she outright insults you, just brush it off and stay secure in your relationship.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I find that people only go the upset/"....mind your business" route when said comment doesn't line up with their views.

 

Those are her views, unless she outright insults you, just brush it off and stay secure in your relationship.

 

I don't get upset, per se, but it does baffle me a bit as to why it's an accepted social practice, when asking other personal questions isn't.

 

I'd never ask someone I barely know a nosy question about any aspect of their personal life. For example, if I were a patient of the OP's and I said to her "how much money do you make?", most people would consider that extremely tacky. Then if she told me her salary and I went on to say "That's nothing! You'd better ask your boss for a raise or find a new job. They obviously don't appreciate you.", most would agree that I was either senile or grossly out of touch with social norms.

 

I don't see why the whole "why aren't you married yet???", or for married folks, "why haven't you had a baby yet???" thing is considered socially acceptable. For the same reason that maybe a person is already insecure with or unhappy about their salary and would not want to discuss it with a stranger (let alone have them rub it in), a young woman who's in a relationship may very well want marriage but hasn't gotten there yet; a young married couple may very well want children but haven't been able to conceive. Those people shouldn't really have to explain themselves to a complete stranger.

 

Again, it doesn't really upset me, it's just kind of a confusing social double-standard.

[d0nnivain]

Some men like to plan these things out & want it to be a surprise. Valentine's Day is coming. See what he does. If no ring, see where you are when you graduate from school. If you don't have a ring by then, I'd move out.

[Keenly]

Some men like to plan these things out & want it to be a surprise. Valentine's Day is coming. See what he does. If no ring, see where you are when you graduate from school. If you don't have a ring by then, I'd move out.

 

To what end ?

[kiss_andmakeup]

To what end ?

 

Presumably, to move on from the relationship, get on with her life, and eventually begin to date again with the intention of finding someone more compatible with her ideals.

 

I will admit, OP, that I get a bit nervous when I hear of a guy (or girl for that matter) in his mid-twenties who has been with the same person since his teen years being reluctant about or pressured into marriage. I think there's potential for him to feel like he missed out on some part of adulthood - doing the bachelor thing and dating around. "Sowing wild oats" and all that jazz.

 

But again, these generic blanket statements made by people who barely know you, whether it's the patient at work or me on this board, are not really going to help you much because we don't know you or your SO. You know your relationship better than anyone else.

[d0nnivain]

If the OP wants to get married & her BF doesn't, what's the point of sticking around & being miserable? At least if she moves out she can find somebody who shares her desires.

[man_in_the_box]

God, I hate that saying - it insinuates inequality in the sense that women provide benefits and men only use them. **** that, marriage or not, relationships are supposed to be equal effort on both sides. If it's not then yours just sucks.

 

Not directed @OPs situation which IMO sounds fine.

[kiss_andmakeup]

God, I hate that saying - it insinuates inequality in the sense that women provide benefits and men only use them. **** that, marriage or not, relationships are supposed to be equal effort on both sides. If it's not then yours just sucks.

 

Not directed @OPs situation which IMO sounds fine.

 

Agree.

 

(10 characters)

[oldshirt]

 

She asked if I had a bf, how long we have been together etc... I told her 7 years and that we finally just moved in together. She said "Don't live with him too long without a ring...... he may start thinking: why buy the cow when I get the milk for free?"

 

 

Any advice?

 

 

 

Even though modern science has developed antibiotics, computer technology, mapped the human genome and put men on the moon, grandmas usually still know best.

 

 

Yes, there is always a threat of of the free milk syndrome with some people.

 

 

However I would not be hitting the panic button yet. You both have been getting other important life stages out of the way before pursuing marriage and family such as getting educations and starting careers etc.

 

 

The fact that he is willing to discuss marriage topics and look at rings etc while you are still in school is encouraging.

 

 

Now once you once you have been working as an RN for awhile and everything is coasting along fine for awhile and he is showing no inclination towards moving forward with marriage etc then you may need to start looking at poop-or-get-off-the-pot deadlines.

 

 

Waiting until people have educations are gainfully employed is legitimate reason to wait to marry. Once people are done with those things and have been dating exclusively for a year or more, if they still say, "I'm not sure," or they come up with a different frivolous excuse every month, then it's time turn of the milk Fawcett.

[ASG]

If the OP wants to get married & her BF doesn't, what's the point of sticking around & being miserable? At least if she moves out she can find somebody who shares her desires.

 

But why does marriage have to be the be all end all?

 

My cousin has been with his GF for about 7 years now. He moved in with her I think 3 weeks after they officially started going out.

They now have a 4 year old daughter.

They are still not married, even though they are loosely thinking about it.

 

But my cousin never refers to his GF as his GF. It's his wife. We all say she's his wife. Because they are married in all but paper. And they are in no rush to sign said paper because they don't have the money to throw a big party, which for them is the only point in actually getting married.

 

Another good friend of mine got married 2 years ago, after living with his now wife for quite a few years. They only got married after the birth of their 2nd daughter (which would have been the 3rd child, but 1st one was a still born).

 

So again I ask... What is the actual problem?

 

 

If, however, the other person does not want to have a family, and you do, then yes, it's good to not waste time. But the actual getting married? Why does it have to have a time stamp?

[Keenly]

If two people are together for a long time, they are both happy, they both fulfill each others needs, they both support each other both Materialistically and emotionally as well as financially, they do things together, share interests and talk to each other about their lives, and one of them leaves because they didn't get married In X amount of time, then its really the leavers loss.

 

 

Personally, I'd rather be unmarried forever with a woman I'm happy with (using the OP as an example ) than leave the person I was happy with to go and MAYBE find some one who is HALF as good and marry them.

 

 

But then again, women have a faaaaaar differing view of marriage than men these days, and for good reason.

 

 

But to reiterate my point.... if you are happy... and he is happy... what's the problem ?

[Eggplant]

I don't get upset, per se, but it does baffle me a bit as to why it's an accepted social practice, when asking other personal questions isn't.

 

I'd never ask someone I barely know a nosy question about any aspect of their personal life. For example, if I were a patient of the OP's and I said to her "how much money do you make?", most people would consider that extremely tacky. Then if she told me her salary and I went on to say "That's nothing! You'd better ask your boss for a raise or find a new job. They obviously don't appreciate you.", most would agree that I was either senile or grossly out of touch with social norms.

 

I don't see why the whole "why aren't you married yet???", or for married folks, "why haven't you had a baby yet???" thing is considered socially acceptable. For the same reason that maybe a person is already insecure with or unhappy about their salary and would not want to discuss it with a stranger (let alone have them rub it in), a young woman who's in a relationship may very well want marriage but hasn't gotten there yet; a young married couple may very well want children but haven't been able to conceive. Those people shouldn't really have to explain themselves to a complete stranger.

 

Again, it doesn't really upset me, it's just kind of a confusing social double-standard.

Is it a double standard? I think it is not socially acceptable.

[Eggplant]

The man you want to marry likes the milk but loves the cow, and the free milk wouldn't be enough for him. So there's a catch-22 or something going on with that saying.

[kiss_andmakeup]

If two people are together for a long time, they are both happy, they both fulfill each others needs, they both support each other both Materialistically and emotionally as well as financially, they do things together, share interests and talk to each other about their lives, and one of them leaves because they didn't get married In X amount of time, then its really the leavers loss.

 

If one of the person has a need for marriage to seal the commitment, then his/her needs aren't being met.

 

Anyone can think whatever they like about marriage...I have no problem with people who don't want to get married. I would just choose not to be in a relationship with them, because we'd want different things.

 

If you're asking why people feel the need for the institution of marriage, that's a whole different topic (one which I believe has been discussed on LS before and probably still is somewhere on the board).

 

But this particular thread is about the OP, and obviously the level of commitment marriage offers is a need for her in a relationship. Thus, her needs are not being met.

 

Just to clarify, I am not recommending the OP leave. She and her SO are young, and I think she should just focus on completing school right now. I do think, though, that if marriage is important to her, there's nothing wrong with her figuring out a loose timeline for herself. That timeline could be 3 years or 30. But I'm guessing she has one in her head already, and I think she should adhere to that.

 

I am not an advocate of pressuring the guy. I am an advocate of being able to cut your losses when your needs aren't being met.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Is it a double standard? I think it is not socially acceptable.

 

Many people do, though, as evidenced by OP's story (and the numerous other similar ones I've heard).

[winterpast]

He said he was talking to someone at his job and his co-worker told him that when he was ready he has a friend in the diamond district who can help him with a ring.

 

I highly doubt that he would be talking with a co-worker about a ring , nor do I think he would have openly admitted to you that he had this conversation with the co-worker if he wasn't planning on marrying you.

 

I don't think you have anything to worry about.

 

BTW, I lived with my Husband for 4 years before we got married. Been together 10 years now.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

sometimes complete strangers give the best advice. it is true, I mean you've been with him 7 years. why didn't you get married on the 6th year? or 5th? or 4th? theres something stopping the two of you from marrying.

 

figure out what that is.

[Tayla]

But why does marriage have to be the be all end all?

 

My cousin has been with his GF for about 7 years now. He moved in with her I think 3 weeks after they officially started going out.

They now have a 4 year old daughter.

They are still not married, even though they are loosely thinking about it.

 

But my cousin never refers to his GF as his GF. It's his wife. We all say she's his wife. Because they are married in all but paper. And they are in no rush to sign said paper because they don't have the money to throw a big party, which for them is the only point in actually getting married.

 

Another good friend of mine got married 2 years ago, after living with his now wife for quite a few years. They only got married after the birth of their 2nd daughter (which would have been the 3rd child, but 1st one was a still born).

 

So again I ask... What is the actual problem?

 

 

If, however, the other person does not want to have a family, and you do, then yes, it's good to not waste time. But the actual getting married? Why does it have to have a time stamp?

 

Dunno, why does it have to have a "CASH" or "Monetary" reason for NOT getting married. Cost 15 to get a license- 15 for blood work and 15 mins in front of a JP....Thats the legal part of it, the "Gotta have a Big wedding" doesn't MAKE the next 25/50 years everlasting......

 

If folks want to be in a committed relationship, have at it.

 

I agree that marital vows are a stepping stone in some folks lives...it sets them on an unselfish path...For others its a path not worth going down at all.

I personally think the legalities in and of themselves are a double edge sword.

 

to the OP- If you are at work trying to create a pleasant environment for your patient or customer, its common to share a wee bit of personal stuff. The Key is to stay on Friendly topics. Avoid- Religion, politics, or personal family matters. We open the pandoras box when we divulge things that are best left unsaid or at least a mystery! You can be reserved without coming off dissonance

[carhill]

Most profitable to rent the cow, maximize the butterfat, then beef it out when the butterfat matures and its usefulness ends.

 

One tidbit from the animal husbandry business

 

OP, I've known a number of young couples in your circumstances. Most have become married, generally prior to 30, and I've noticed another commonality, reflective of their focus on higher education and professional careers: They have a plan. A plan to get married, a plan to have children, a plan for their future. It's out there and they're working it, even if presently apparently dating or, as you're doing, living together. What's your (and his) plan? How are you going to prosecute your lives as a couple and define your family unit?

[Stranger516]

sometimes complete strangers give the best advice. it is true, I mean you've been with him 7 years. why didn't you get married on the 6th year? or 5th? or 4th? theres something stopping the two of you from marrying.

 

figure out what that is.

 

 

We have been working on going to school, making money, becoming financially stable since the day we stepped out of high school to afford to finally live together. I am still in school. So yeah that took 7 years and I won't even be done with school until next year (it will be 8 by then). Some people like to be in the right place, career wise and financially before they get married because that costs money too you know. Just saying.