SpiralOut Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 (edited) It has been four months since I provided an update on my progress, as I try to find my confidence. I'm still not perfect but I feel much, much better. I ended two unhealthy friendships/relationships or whatever they were. One was with someone I had a long history with. He treated me disrespectfully. I didn't put my foot down for YEARS because I knew he wouldn't want to see me anymore if I did that. Finally I decided it didn't matter if we stopped talking. It mattered more for me to set up the boundaries I needed to put up in order to protect myself. So I did that. Just as I predicted, he didn't handle it very well, and we don't speak anymore. It hurt. It really hurt. At the same time, I feel relieved. Finally it is over. Someone else was causing me problems. He kept insisting on being friends with me, even though I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He was aggressive and became angry whenever I tried to fade him out. I felt half- sorry for him and half afraid of him, so I allowed him to guilt-trip me into talking to him. Finally, this week I put my foot down. I told him I found his actions to be intrusive. Instead of apologizing, he became enraged and said all sorts of manipulative, condescending, belittling things to me. Then, he turned around and asked me what is new with me!! Screw that! I told him goodbye forever. It felt wonderful!!! The answer was right under my nose. I've been holding onto such rage against friends who treated me badly in the past. But there are/were people in my present treating me wrong and I was just putting up with it. I need to deal with the disrespect currently in my life, instead of obsessing over the past. ETA: I'm also finding it easier to befriend people. I'm talking totally normal things that I used to do all the time, like saying hello to someone I know when I bump into them, or grabbing a coffee after work with a colleague. I stopped doing those things when I was depressed - I isolated myself deliberately, so much so that I forgot what normal felt like. I dunno, just feels good to be getting back into it... Edited February 8, 2014 by SpiralOut 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BlametheIrish Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Good for you! I think cutting toxic people out of your life can add years to it. I have zero scientific evidence to back.this up. But people who have less stress in their life certainly lead Happier lives overall . Now if either tries to.get in contact again and you start to stress, just remember the peacr,you felt after realizing you're finally done with them. Block them again and move on. All the best, Irish 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted February 8, 2014 Author Share Posted February 8, 2014 I see now that I was broken. I have always been a hard-working woman with big ambitions that I actively worked towards. I've been that person who worked while going to college, took out a loan instead of taking money from my parents to pay my tuition. I did that twice. Four years, then a one year program. I got good grades, knew I was going to be successful. Too bad I'm not successful, but at least I tried. I was emotionally abused as a child. It is amazing that I have gotten to this point of self-awareness, that I had the guts back then to move away from home even when she threw a fit and tried to stop me. There are some people who never get past that stage, who would cave in and do what their abusive parent tells them to do, but not me. I don't allow her anger to control me. My last serious relationship was with a schizophrenic man who behaved like a child. It took everything out of me. After that relationship ended, I felt like I couldn't do anymore. I was done. That's how I've felt for the past 3 years: exhausted, used up, done. I have felt unable to move forward, and angry at myself for not doing so. But I think my energy is coming back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 Never mind. The one guy came back. I never thought he would call me again. I got pissed off and yelled at him on the phone, then somehow he talked me into seeing him face-to-face. He was nice at first, then turned around and acted like a jerk again. I tried to assert my boundaries, but he didn't listen, and I totally forgot about the part where you give the person consequences if they don't listen. So it didn't work and he trampled my boundaries. I feel disrespected and I feel like I am a stupid person who just lets everyone walk all over her. I haven't changed after all. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 So if your car gets one flat tire, you slash the other three tires? Just say NO! Repeat it often enough and he will get the hint. If you have to, threaten to get a restraining order against him for stalking. He's a bully. Bullies don't like people who stand up to them. Ignore him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) So if your car gets one flat tire, you slash the other three tires? Just say NO! Repeat it often enough and he will get the hint. If you have to, threaten to get a restraining order against him for stalking. He's a bully. Bullies don't like people who stand up to them. Ignore him. Okay. He went out of town again, but next time he calls me I'll tell him to **** off. Did I mention that he was waiting outside my apartment building in a car?? Then he tried to make it sound like he was "just driving by" even though I live at the end of a dead-end street and he admitted to seeing me walk through the front door.... and I saw his car sitting there . . . when I called him out on it he became uncomfortable. Oh, and after his apology, he followed it up with "oh and my friend thinks you are insecure. I just thought I should tell you that and you can either listen to it or not or do what you want with it." I felt like he was pretending to show concern. I think he had some ulterior motive for saying that. I asked him WHY he felt the urge to tell me that and he refused to answer my question. I have told him before that I am talking to someone about my problems. I DO NOT need him telling me I am insecure. That is why I go to counselling. If I am going to hear that from anyone, I would rather hear it from my counsellor, not from some ******* who I only talked to because he apologized..... I hadn't even forgiven him yet!!! Yet he had the nerve to say that to me? He is such an *******!!! I should have kicked him out of my apartment right then and there. He is an extremely selfish prick, and honestly I believe that HE needs to get some therapy, but I have never said that to him. That would be rude. I don't say **** like that to people. Now I'm even more angry at myself for putting up with his bull****. He tried to make me believe that he wasn't doing anything THAT wrong, it's just my perception of things!! I am "overthinking things." Edited February 12, 2014 by SpiralOut Link to post Share on other sites
Andyy Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 You know what's healthy for you, and you know how it ends when you see that person. So don't do it. If you MUST do it then do it somewhere neutral. Certainly not in your home. That needs to be a place of positive energy! I had to do this to an ex-GF once. Ironically she broke it off with me, then strung me along for 12 months just using me for emotional support/physicality when she needed it. I realised I was a slave to her and wiped her out of my life. Social networking, phone number, old letters/photos/emails. Honestly the purge was the most amazing thing I've ever done haha. She persisted for a while, used friends to contact me when I refused to speak to her, even called once and threatened to tell the police that I had sexually assaulted her when she was upset and vulnerable IF I didn't speak to her and be friends (whereas I think she used me, not the other way around). Fortunately she finally gave up and I'm glad for it. I hope you get the space you need too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 Okay so I started back up with weight-training. I'm hoping the effects will spill-over to other areas of my life, making me stronger both physically and emotionally. Telling myself "yeah I'll tell him off next time" isn't enough. I need to do something that makes me feel capable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted February 21, 2014 Author Share Posted February 21, 2014 The other one has contacted me even though I very clearly told him goodbye forever, have a nice life. He is pretending like nothing even happened. I am not responding to it at all. Why bother? I don't want to get involved in a conversation with him again. Screw him. There! I'm not totally pathetic after all. Link to post Share on other sites
Andyy Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 The other one has contacted me even though I very clearly told him goodbye forever, have a nice life. He is pretending like nothing even happened. I am not responding to it at all. Why bother? I don't want to get involved in a conversation with him again. Screw him. There! I'm not totally pathetic after all. GW and keep it up. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
mea_M Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Good job! You are on the right track as hard work pays off! My best to you. Mea Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted March 15, 2014 Author Share Posted March 15, 2014 He showed up on my doorstep without any warning this morning. I am freaked out. This is the guy I couldn't say no to last time. I asked him "what are you doing here?" He said he was in the neighbourhood. I told him "now is not a good time," and shut the door in his face. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Canucklehead Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 He showed up on my doorstep without any warning this morning. I am freaked out. This is the guy I couldn't say no to last time. I asked him "what are you doing here?" He said he was in the neighbourhood. I told him "now is not a good time," and shut the door in his face. Good to see you are setting firm boundaries with this guy. You should make your own well-being a priority. Do not let this dude manipulate his way into your life again..... He sounds a bit toxic to me. Employ strict NC measures if you have to and tell him so. Now go out and enjoy your day. Communicate with your friends and family Good Luck Spiral 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted April 5, 2014 Author Share Posted April 5, 2014 He emailed me tonight. He told me that he is very confused about what happened that day. Apparently he keeps thinking about it and doesn't understand. He claims that he showed up to invite me out - which I seriously doubt, since he NEVER invites me to go anywhere, he only just wants to hang out at my place. I don't know if he is just playing stupid? Is it possible for someone to truly not understand? He told me that it is okay if I don't want to see him anymore, he just wants to know what happened. I emailed him back telling him that I don't like it when he shows up unannounced. Now I wonder if I made a mistake in responding. Should I have told him I don't want to see him? I don't understand this guy at all. It is driving me crazy, not understanding why he acts this way. I just don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 This guy is trying to get under your skin. The more you think about him and his actions, the more likely you are to speak to him. He clearly is not respecting your request to GTFO out of your life. I agree with the other poster, strict NC. It's harder to say than to do when you're emotionally involved, but I think you can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
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