Wife has left me, and I despair.

[uku383]

My wife separated from me in October 2013, and it's February 2014 now. I'm taking it hard, really hard. I love her deeply and would love nothing more than to have another chance and to approach our marriage like I now know we always should have.

 

We met in 2002 then moved cities and married in 2005. The next year I lost a job due to massive anxiety attacks, which set up a long term struggle with depression. In 2009 we had our son, and in 2011 we moved down the coast. I commuted about 2 hours each way for 18 months, then lost my job. I had a depressive episode, without realising it. She told me that she'd been researching divorce lawyers but would stay with me while it was in our son's best interests. I resolved to get better and started seeing a psychologist weekly. We had a joint counselling session then I went into hospital. Two weeks in she dropped me.

 

She told me that she stopped loving me before our son was born, which really hurts as this time last year we were trying for another baby.

 

In my anxiety I'd pushed my feelings down and not spoken to her when I was upset about something. I became irritable and rude to her, her family and friends. The thing is though, that I'd do anything for her. I knew in the back of my mind how I was going wrong but couldn't seem to fix it, so I'd do things to show my love - always doing errands, making her cups of tea etc.

 

Really, she didn't know how to deal with my depression either. She project managed us and our relationship. We didn't sit down regularly and share our feelings, which is terrible as this has driven us apart. Oh yes, we both also had very stressful jobs.

 

She now wants to separate assets, and I've said that I won't fight her if that's what she wants. She says that she will think about marriage counselling, but thinks that her answer will be no, as she doesn't think that she can talk herself into feeling love that she doesn't feel.

 

The thing is that I really do mean my marriage vows and I wand to work on the marriage. I know that she has tried to observe her vows, and I don't judge her on that, but I do dream that she could give me another go. Depression is surely one of the worst sicknesses that a marriage can face. It's insidious - not tangible like a broken leg or cancer. It's much harder to be understanding of it and its effects.

 

I'm trying to find a job at the moment, but it's hard - there's not much out there, particularly for my skillset and where I live.

 

My biggest test of strength is to not tell her how repentant I am every day, and to not beg her to let me return.

 

How can I win her back? I don't know. If anyone has any ideas, please tell me. What I need to do now is try and put it behind me, to concentrate on myself and my future, but it's so hard not to think of her and to not get depressed.

 

Dammit, I moved down here with dreams. I've ruined them, and now that I'm trying everything to get better it seems too late. Despair seems to be my word of the moment. I wish for some happiness and peace. I wish for my family.

 

Thanks for reading / commenting.

 

Cheers!

Edited February 8, 2014 by uku383
Extra info.

[whichwayisup]

Google depression fallout. It's a resourceful website. Maybe ask your wife to look at it too.

 

Are you on meds and seeking counseling for your depression and anxiety?

 

It isn't easy to live with someone who suffers from depression, but - It seems she ran from it instead of fighting it with you, encouraging you and being involved in your treatment. Sadly though, not all can cope with a depressed spouse and it causes too much stress.

 

Continue working on you, be the best father you can be and hopefully she'll see your efforts and want to try to make it work.

[uku383]

Thanks for the tip, whichwayisup. I'll definitely check out the site.

 

Thanks also for the words of encouragement - that means a great deal to me.

 

I am on meds and seeing a counsellor. It's a slow journey forward, but I'm trying all that I can (okay, so I need to exercise a bit more), and I'm doing my best as a dad.

 

To be fair to her, she stuck it out as long as she could. I wish that she could have hung in a little longer, because if we work together I'm sure that we can have an awesome life together.

 

Working on me definitely takes time. I'll push ahead with it though. I know that there aren't any guarantees with this, and that any decision that she takes to open a door may expose her to risk - only she can decide about whether that's acceptable.

 

Personally, I think that we're worth it, and I'm willing to give it the time needed, but for anything to happen she'll have to allow for time as well. I don't want it to go to divorce, but if it does then I'll keep on trying to improve and hope for us.

 

I guess I'm stubborn!

[Lost soulmate]

uku383,

I feel you pain. My wife let me 10 days before Christmas. I never really thought of it until I read your story, but mine is similar. In thee last year and a half I have had many losses in my family. I never looked at it as my depression as the cause, but after whichwayisup's comment I looked up depression fallout. I know it feels like your being kicked while your down. In my situation, I realized that I have to work on myself. It has brought things to light about the way I acted. Work on yourself to get better, not for your marriage, but for you. Just know someone else is going through this too. Best of luck to you.

[uku383]

uku383,

I feel you pain. My wife let me 10 days before Christmas. I never really thought of it until I read your story, but mine is similar. In thee last year and a half I have had many losses in my family. I never looked at it as my depression as the cause, but after whichwayisup's comment I looked up depression fallout. I know it feels like your being kicked while your down. In my situation, I realized that I have to work on myself. It has brought things to light about the way I acted. Work on yourself to get better, not for your marriage, but for you. Just know someone else is going through this too. Best of luck to you.

 

Thanks, Lost soulmate.

 

It sounds like you feel like I do, which is absolutely horrible.

 

I honestly feel like everything that I'm doing to get better is for the sake of survival - it really does feel that bad.

 

I can't help but hope for a reconciliation, but looking at it logically I realise that's unlikely, and certainly not something that would happen quickly.

 

What I find most frustrating is that the person I want to talk with the most is the one person I can't talk to. That's rough.

 

Best of luck to you, too. I hope that you sort things out and that you become happy and objective about life and its challenges.