Welsh Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been together over a year now. This time last year he was moody and would blow hot and cold, I recently discovered that that was down to seasonal affective disorder. We have a really good relationship, we never argue and have the same goals in life etc. In May 2013, I moved in with him pretty much and he went off work with work related stress due to his job. I supported him through that and helped him move house come June 2013. Come Aug 2013, we hit our first relationship hurdle where he became very distant and asked me to move out because he felt a bit smothered. However during this I left him alone and he hooked up with a girl. Within 2 weeks of me moving out he came crawling back and started inviting me out and back over. The horrendous then happened in September 2013, he had a very bad car accident where I was called to the scene and he now has severe whiplash and scarring over his body. I moved back in and we have got back together. I knew he still had contact with this girl and that they were friends and I confronted him about it in December and he said they're just friends and that there's no need to worry, he want me and not her. We didn't argue it was civilised. He has a lot of female friends and she is the only one I can't bring myself to accept. I accepted it although I feel awful and down about it and he knows it upsets me. We spent Christmas together, but now this girl keeps trying to invite him around every week for a cup of tea and to play cards. I act okay with it because I don't want to control him but he always asks if I'm okay with it and he says thank you and he promises to text me constantly when he's there, which he does. When I'm with him he isn't rude and doesn't text anyone much. It's breaking me, am I being insecure? He's talking about holidays and planning things with me but I wish she wouldn't contact so much. Link to post Share on other sites
lucky_penny Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Were you guys actually broken up? Did he have sex with this girl? And he still hangs out with her but says he wants to be with you? I would be very wary of this. Even if you were technically broken up and both of you are free to do what you want, the fact that he keeps her around would bother me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Welsh Posted February 8, 2014 Author Share Posted February 8, 2014 Yes we were broken up. I am very wary. Last night, he text me saying did I mind him going as she'd invited him around. I said it's okay, he said he didn't want to hide anything from me. I've explained in the past I feel she has stronger feelings and he said irregardless of her feelings which are only friendly, they're just friends and that I should trust him. He text me all night whilst he was there and phoned me when he was home. He was really loving and making lots of plans with me whilst being at hers. However, today he's really disconnected with me and he's out with the boys and not talking to me much at all, to the point of ignored. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Why doesn't he bring you with to hang out with her so you can get to know her and see how they interact in person? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Welsh Posted February 8, 2014 Author Share Posted February 8, 2014 I know her as I used to work indirectly with her. We have a few mutual friends and she has slept with them, she's a very friendly character overly friendly in my opinion- very touchy feely. I've expressed my dislike of her to my boyfriend so I doubt I'd ever get invited. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 What does your bf do when she flirts or gets touchy feely with him? I mean he banged her immediately after you guys broke up, you being uncomfortable w/ them being 'friends' is justified. She is not a "friend of the relationship" and he should have more respect for you. Them hanging out one on one at her place is SO not okay. IF they are gonna hang out, it should be in group settings. Not movies and tea on her couch! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Welsh Posted February 8, 2014 Author Share Posted February 8, 2014 (edited) He's quite reserved. She is in a student house so there is 6 of them there and he tells me that he plays cards with all of them. When he's been off and distant with me and I've asked if we are okay he says yes absolutely hugs me and kisses me and still makes plans to see me. He then explains his back has been hurting him from the accident and he's feeling down about it and he's popping 9 tramadol aday to cope which is worrying me too! Yet when he's texting me he's not his usual self from a fortnight ago. Edited February 8, 2014 by Welsh Link to post Share on other sites
Author Welsh Posted February 8, 2014 Author Share Posted February 8, 2014 This evening he has gone mental at me and said he needed space but I text too much, yet all I do is reply to him. He says I ask too many questions. He said we need to talk, he's not sure if he can do this anymore and asked for space.! Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Something happened at her house last night. She probably got in his ear about texting you all night, made him feel like a bitch about it and now he resents you for it. Not surprising, she has a crush on him and is going to do what she can to undermine you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Welsh Posted February 9, 2014 Author Share Posted February 9, 2014 No I don't think that's the case. I think whilst he was out with the boys he had planned to see her and then got all on the defensive when I asked a few questions because his story didn't add up and to the fact he said he saw my car as if he was guilty of something, when I was 4 miles over the other the side of the city. Last time he broke up with me over text he hasn't done that this time and he says we need to talk What do I do Link to post Share on other sites
Justletgo Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Do what YOU think is the right thing. Just have confidence in yourself, if he breaks up or whatever it's his loss. He's the person who's scarred by the accident and all. You could tell him about you not being comfortable when he hangs out with her. Maybe you could hang out with a guy - just to prove the point. Then he might understand? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Welsh Posted February 9, 2014 Author Share Posted February 9, 2014 I don't want to loose him. the only time we argue/fall out is when he pulls away. When it happened on our break in the summer, within two weeks he's inviting me around again. I spoke to his brother yesterday and he said that he's always broken up with his girlfriends and that only one girl broke up with him which broke his heart. However he realises what he looses later on as he tries to keep in touch. From the way he has spoken to me the past night he has made me feel like I'm in the wrong and that he's being selfish, when we are both equally to blame. Any suggestions how to talk to him and what to say? Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) My suggestion is that you figure out where your boundaries lie and gather up your self-respect. The way I see it, you guys broke up. He slept with her. Ok, so technically he didn't do anything wrong. BUT. When you got back together you told him you're not comfortable with the other girl in the picture yet he keeps in contact with her. This tells me he doesn't respect you all that much. Anyone who respect their partner would immediately back away, especially since this could potentially destabilize the relationship. Now, after a breakup it's natural to be wary. The trust had been broken and should be repaired again before getting back together. With the other woman, he should have a clear line of things he should't cross because of previous trust issues. What your guy is doing is not just walking the line, he's dancing all over it. Overall I think your guys has issues. Or probably just a plain jerk. The question is, are you willing to live like this? The constant push-pull, the constant worry that something might be going on you don't know about? Your emotions are the ones controlling you right now. Of course you love him, and that's a big factor. But you should step back a bit and look at the big picture then ask yourself, is this something you really want? Edited February 9, 2014 by strive 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 He's mad at YOU bc his story didn't add up and you called him on it? Nice guy. What parts didn't add up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Welsh Posted February 9, 2014 Author Share Posted February 9, 2014 He said his phone battery was dead And then he said his mate had a charger then two minutes later he said he was at home, with a bad back it would take him 10 mins to walk home and said he could have sworn he saw my car (guilt??) I know he keeps in touch with all his old girlfriends and he has a lot of female friends and I don't mind that just can't stand this one girl. It's now 5pm here and I haven't heard from him today, he said we needed to talk today and he asked me to leave him alone and give him some space. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Welsh Posted February 9, 2014 Author Share Posted February 9, 2014 So I saw him, he text me asking if I wanted my passport for my interview tomorrow. So I went and got it, asked him if he wanted to talk and he said no I don't think this is working. So I said calmly shouldn't we talk then? So I went up and talked, remaining calm. I listened to him saying he needs space and that this has happened before, nothing changes and that he has other stresses and he can't have me living there. I said we have taken steps to change slowly just we haven't tried hard enough and he was adamant nothing would change. I also said that when he said he needed space he was giving me mixed messages as he would invite me over. He kept saying I don't know what I want. I don't know if this will work. I suggested that we see how we feel in a week and he told me that I wouldn't be able to do that. I said I loved him and that would try as this is the only sour note in our relationship. He said I needed to leave and he got angry and started to swear saying I'm pushing. I thought it was unfair to make me leave not knowing where I stand so I asked and he said fine you've pushed so much we are over. He said if I hadn't have pushed we could have been fine in a few days. I said sorry and left, I have to get my things Tuesday. I don't want to loose him. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 He is either hiding something from you (hence his extreme reactions) or he has been wanting to end things for a while and hasn't had the balls. Please go no contact apart from getting your things. If possible have a friend go get them. HE dumped YOU, the ball is in his court and it is up to him to make things right, not you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Welsh Posted February 9, 2014 Author Share Posted February 9, 2014 I know I'll be okay, eventually. I'm just struggling to process it all. A fortnight ago we were planning big things and he was all over me. He has implied this evening that he will want to stay in touch. If that becomes the case I want to send him a message along the lines of - Please don't talk to me. You've treated me unfairly, disrespected me and not considered my feelings in our relationship. Yet all I've done is be a good person to you. I want something to make him realise he's messed up because an old friend of his did that to him when he had treated them badly and he's grovelling to try and resolve it. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 I know I'll be okay, eventually. I'm just struggling to process it all. A fortnight ago we were planning big things and he was all over me. He has implied this evening that he will want to stay in touch. If that becomes the case I want to send him a message along the lines of - Please don't talk to me. You've treated me unfairly, disrespected me and not considered my feelings in our relationship. Yet all I've done is be a good person to you. I want something to make him realise he's messed up because an old friend of his did that to him when he had treated them badly and he's grovelling to try and resolve it. You can't make a person realize this. They either come into this on their own, or they stand by their conviction that they didn't mess up because they genuinely wanted to end the relationship. You say you don't wan to lose him, but girl, he's already gone. He's been treating you like a doormat. Why do you accept that? He also has told you that he doesn't want to be with you right now. Don't force it on him or I can promise it will only breed more resentment. I would put money on betting he's been thinking about doing this for a little while now. Perhaps his cozy relationship with this other girl is a catalyst, or perhaps there were other problems in the relationship that he didn't want to to work on any more. Let him go and demand better treatment from future partners. If you want a committed and exclusive relationship, he's not your guy. Link to post Share on other sites
PumpkinSpice Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 I know her as I used to work indirectly with her. We have a few mutual friends and she has slept with them, she's a very friendly character overly friendly in my opinion- very touchy feely. I've expressed my dislike of her to my boyfriend so I doubt I'd ever get invited. I am so upset at your situation and your boyfriend, because I've been cheated on by a previous long term ex and this is NOT normal. I don't care how much she knows you dislike her. The point is that YOU are his girlfriend, NOT her, so if you're "not invited" he shouldn't be either. I personally wouldn't leave my boyfriend alone with ANY girl in the setting of a home during the evening. He should be with me during those times. If my boyfriend or his "friend" didn't want me there either, I'd consider that a HUGE red flag. Another obvious red flag is the fact that he was inside of her, causing her the same pleasure he causes you when he's with you.. literally shortly after kicking you out of his place because he needed "space"? He wanted to do what he did with her. If he just needed space, he would not be having anyone over, now would he? You were such a cool girlfriend to him, as you were there for him in his time of need. You're there in the times that count (well, I'm assuming you are). It was very big of you to get past that and accept what he did and the current friendship. However, the fact that he's keeping this girl around, thanking you for letting him go over there alone, and not inviting you to go too? I do apologize for seeming to strongly dislike and go against your BF so much even though I don't know either of you, but this is something you need to hear because it hits close to home (my BF used to text his ex behind my back and lied about it). If you really want to save this relationship and gain some closure, here are two options: -Tell him to stop talking to her/ hanging out with her alone. If he makes a big deal or seems upset about it, that's a warning sign that he finds something too important about her to let her go, and that he cares more about being able to stay in touch with HER rather than keep you, his GF happy. -OR you can just invite yourself to these "get togethers." If he tells you you cant come, or says SHE will not approve, this is a HUGE warning sign and there's a reason he doesn't want you there. Have you ever thought that when he calls you saying he's "home/on his way home" he's actually just getting started intimately with her? I know this isn't what you want to hear and I could be completely wrong. It's just my personal advice. Link to post Share on other sites
d0cholliday Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 I know this isn't what you want to hear and I could be completely wrong. It's just my personal advice. Do not overanalyze things... I did that a lot, sometimes still do, and it just makes people crazy. I agree, you should go with him, if he denies that oppurtunity for you, than you need to ask yourself why is that. Can you thrust that person, build a life with him? Just try to stay back, keep your distance, do not initiate anything, if that get together thing doesn't work out for you, if it does, grab a book or a video about body language, and watch how the two of them act, you can see a lot from body language. When he comes back just say to him whats on your mind, and that his actions are not aproved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Welsh Posted February 10, 2014 Author Share Posted February 10, 2014 (edited) As it stands he wants nothing to do with me in a relationship. It seems deeper than just us and the space issue. He was going on about financial worries and his grandfather, work and his back. I was okay before going to bed and now I've woken up feeling worse, I'm missing him and I want him. I haven't text him but it's killing me. Edit - I've just seen his Facebook posts this early morning and they're not where they usually are from, they're in the next vicinity next to his. I don't know if he stayed at hers but seems god damn likely, yet he had work at 8am and was up at 5am watching gladiators. Edited February 10, 2014 by Welsh Link to post Share on other sites
d0cholliday Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 As it stands he wants nothing to do with me in a relationship. It seems deeper than just us and the space issue. He was going on about financial worries and his grandfather, work and his back. I was okay before going to bed and now I've woken up feeling worse, I'm missing him and I want him. I haven't text him but it's killing me. Edit - I've just seen his Facebook posts this early morning and they're not where they usually are from, they're in the next vicinity next to his. I don't know if he stayed at hers but seems god damn likely, yet he had work at 8am and was up at 5am watching gladiators. Just put him to be an acquitance not a friend on FB, and he won't come often to your news feed, helped me a little, and also force yourself not to check his timeline, if you caught yourself going to do that, stop, do something else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Welsh Posted February 10, 2014 Author Share Posted February 10, 2014 I just don't understand how he can be so selfish and stubborn. I was blamed for everything. Link to post Share on other sites
d0cholliday Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 I just don't understand how he can be so selfish and stubborn. I was blamed for everything. Because it's easier that way for them to cope with the fact they made a mistake, and they are trying to find reason not to get back... Plus, he wants you to feel guilty. Either way they will realise at somepoint it was a mistake, hope for him it won't be too late to try to reconciliate. My ex always got what she wanted whe she approach me like this, she starts nagging, and I crack and start deffending myself, explaining my actions, and attack her back, but that's not the way. I still didn't find the solution for that, but only thing you can do is keep your mouth shut, and don't show any emotions when they start to blame you, or start doing that ****.... Probably it is all based on their insecurity. Their ego won't let them accept that they made a mistake... It is an endless battle, which dumpees can't win by trying to talk to them. Once you are at the point where you can actually talk, meaning the other side has matured enough, you can tell him to stop doing that, cause you did nothing wrong, except loving him unconditionally, and putting up with his ****, altough you could be miles away if you weren't the person you are. Maybe someone other than me has a solution how to deal with dumpers whos approach is like that. Link to post Share on other sites
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