free2bme Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 I was hoping to vent and maybe receive some insight from other members. I have been involved with a man off and on for 14 years. He has had girlfriends and now is newly married. He is 33 and his wife is 21. I am 40. We have a child together and she is 12. I am never been married to this man. Our relationship began as strictly sexual, which is probably where I went wrong with this relationship. Again, as I stated we have been off and on during the 14 years. We agree not to have sex, but after a brief hiatus of 6 to 9 months, he will again approach me for sex. We have a VERY strong attraction. I, however, am in love with him. He tells me that he doesn't love me. I do know that he cares for me and he loves our daughter. Why does he continually approach me again and again, and why do I continually allow it to happen? Why am I willing to settle for an hour or two of intimacy every 2 to 3 weeks? I do not have low self-esteem. I am a successful professional that supports myself and my child. I am not unattractive, but could lose a few pounds. I have so many questions and no answers. Thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
kypepeo Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 I feel you on this one. There's this guy who schols far from home but whenever he comes down during school vacations,we always hook up. It's purely a physical thing and at first that was cool with me but soon,I wanted more. There's something about the way he looks at me that makes me want to have that all the time. I feel so alive when I'm with him.N'way, this vacation, I decided that enough was enough but when I saw him, I so badly wanted to be with him. All my resolutions went out the door but for some reason, we didn't hook up. It was frustrating for me but I saw (eventually) that he didin't really have feelings for me.It hurt but I put myself out there for him to use as he wanted and it's not his fault that now I am stuck in this situation. I knew the terms when I got in. Move on, forget about him. Believe him when he tells you that he doesn't feel you like that. The chemistry might be great but you deserve more from a man. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 Originally posted by free2bme Why am I willing to settle for an hour or two of intimacy every 2 to 3 weeks? I think Kypepeo has hit the nail on the head here: Believe him when he tells you that he doesn't feel you like that. You may have not accepted him at his word. You probably won't feel as inclined to allow him these contacts, once you believe in your heart the truth as he has told it to you. It's sad that people are sometimes capable of using each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 Ouch.. Well honestly when someone tells you they don't love you.. yeah believe them. In so many ways I think it probably is harder for you to break from this guy because to begin with you have a "history" together.. and secondly, let's face it when you have children together, those are the ties that bind. However.. why he constantly comes back to begin the sexual aspect of the relationship is for the exact other question you have.. because you allow it.. why do you allow it.. if I had to guess, because you're still hoping he will change his mind here and want more with you... The only thing I can say here is this... I really hope he is helping you with the child you share in taking care of her and spending time with her..? Please tell me he is at least doing that?! The rest... let him know that you are not going to be his side deal-e-o... you deserve and can find better for yourself.. and that you want your daughter to know what a loving, committed relationship looks like. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 Why does he continually approach me again and again, and why do I continually allow it to happen? Because you are a piece of pu$$y for him and he knows he can get it anytime he is horny. He'll say just about anything to get it. Notice he told you he doesn't love you, he won't ever. But that is a good thing, because any guy who is willing to cheat on his wife (also she is only 21) is no one you want to get into a relationship with. You need to move on from this guy and cut contact with him. He's just a player and you are just one of his toys. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 His intentions are clear, yours are not. Do you think you will change him, make him love you if you keep offering him sex? Believe, me, afte 14 years, that won't work. He's married! Stop wasting your affections on an unobtainable man. Move on and find a single guy if you need love. Do you have any idea what kid of role model you are being for your 12-year-old child? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 I don't want to sound harsh, but I do have to agree with some of the other posters here. He keeps coming back to you because he can. You provide what he wants...end of discussion. There's nothing stopping him...not even yourself. He's got what he wants setup right now...it'll never change. He's got a young wife at home, and another woman waiting for him whenever he decides to come by. As far as why do you keep letting it happen? I don't know. But you can rest assured that it will keep happening until either you do something about it, or his wife finds out and decides that it has to stop...and stays with him to make sure that it does. But you have a stake in this too. You have the opportunity, the option, to say NO! Tell him to go away...and take drastic steps so that he understands that you mean it. Threaten to tell the wife if he comes back...whatever you have to do. No one is forcing you to take him back...or to put up with this BS relationship. You're a grown woman, capable of making your own decisions in life. Sounds to me like it's high time to do so. Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author free2bme Posted January 17, 2005 Author Share Posted January 17, 2005 Thanks for all the constructive responses. I know what I have to do, it's just doing it that is difficult for me because of our history I suppose. He does pay child support, and in fact, more than the court has ordered to pay on regular basis, and he visits with our daughter every two weeks. She either goes to his house to spend a weekend or he comes to our home to spend the day with her. My daughter does not know that we have an ongoing sexual relationship, nor would I ever tell her. Again, thanks for the responses. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 Don't prostitute yourself for child support. If he tries to stop paying it go toyour local district attorney and get his wages garnished. AND report to his wife about the booty calls. Don't let him make you an emotional hostage either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author free2bme Posted January 18, 2005 Author Share Posted January 18, 2005 Believe me, having sex with him has nothing to do with the child support. He would not withhold support if I stopped sleeping with him. He's a good father that has lived up to his responsibility as far as his daughter is concerned. Our sexual escapades have always been mind-blowing and intense. It's hard to forget him . . . when I look at my daughter I am reminded of him. She has his eyes and facial features. I have to communicate and see him when he visits her. No one else knows that we are having sex, although his brother and sisters may have a clue as they know the history of our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 Does it bother you at all that he is married to someone else? Does it bother you that you are not concentrating on a relationship where you do not have share an unavailable man? what is about your relationship you can't give up? Don't you think you could find great sex elsewhere without the baggage? What exactly happens that you can't seem to give up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author free2bme Posted January 18, 2005 Author Share Posted January 18, 2005 Yes, it does bother me that he is married and that someone else will be hurt by our actions. I guess I keep thinking "what if". What if he finally realizes that he does love me. What if he needs me and I'm not there. He has said in the past that he is not in love with me, but he cares about me. In October, 2003, he got engaged. We decided we would stop having sex. During the following summer, I was feeling down and lonely. He called to talk with my daughter and knew something was up by the tone of my voice. He told me that whenever I needed to talk to call him anytime. He wanted to listen and be there for me. This was with no strings attached. He was married in September, 2004. In October he calls me and wants to know if I'm still interested in him. He seems to thrive on the knowledge that I still want him and needs reassuring often. In my opinion, he doesn't know what love is and therefore, is not sure what he feels for me. There is something there. These could just be my rationalizations in making this whole sordid mess seem "okay". Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 Surely, by now you know you do not have a "love" relationship with this man. So you got lonely? Sheesh! Not to whip ya, but come on! I think the best thing you could do is stop this. Then start looking for a man who will love you, whom you love. someone who won't do this malarkey with you. And yes, you are harming others with your actions. Your child, and his wife. Yes, he is more culpable for his wife than you, but you are a conspirator to it. Just stop it. If you get lonely, look elsewhere than him. He is not good for you. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 I maybe way off here but it sounds like one of the reasons he is coming to you for sex is b/c you are 19 years older than his W and probably a lot more experienced in the sack than she is. I don't know. After 14 years, I really don't think he is going to fall in love w/ you, I am sorry. It's hard to let someone go that you are in love w/ but you need to start treating yourself w/ respect and make him stop using you. You wouldn't want your daughter living like this, would you? I hope you have the strength to tell him you will no longer be a piece of a$$ for him. Sorry to be so harsh. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevaVida Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 I am sure the sex must be incredible after 14 years of this game. I understand how easily it is to get sexually attached to someone, however, you may be mistaking your sexual attachment for an emotional one or may not be able to separate your emotions from the physical connection. Is the physically pleasure you get worth all the headaches and painful longing? In defense of the guy, he is not leading you on. He has told you where you stand. It's obvious that he enjoys having sex with you and that perhaps his wife, while younger and more of a trophy, is probably not as good in the sack. If you are able to keep him as a lover without the emotional attachment, that is one thing, but it seems like you want a monogamous relationship with fireworks and reliability/dependability. Unfortunately, I don't know if that exists. I think that if you break it off with him totally, you may feel regrets too. It's a no win situation unless your attitude about the situation is transformed. Date other men, stay busy with other activities (such as dance classes or group exercise classes since you want to lose some weight) and meeting people. He can then be a supplement, not your life. He can boost your ego so you can go out and meet other men or seem more unavailable (ie. not as desperate) to new suitors. And in time, you may not need him as a supplement because your life will be full. But you have to take action to change things, get out there, meet people. Obviously you're hotter than you think if you have this young man wanting to sleep with you. Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by free2bme Again, as I stated we have been off and on during the 14 years. We agree not to have sex, but after a brief hiatus of 6 to 9 months, he will again approach me for sex. We have a VERY strong attraction. I, however, am in love with him. He tells me that he doesn't love me. I do know that he cares for me and he loves our daughter. Why does he continually approach me again and again, and why do I continually allow it to happen? Why am I willing to settle for an hour or two of intimacy every 2 to 3 weeks? I do not have low self-esteem. I am a successful professional that supports myself and my child. I am not unattractive, but could lose a few pounds. OK, you asked for answers to your questions, but if you look closely you have answered most of them yourself. Look at your username - you want to be free! You are 40 now, how much longer are you going to put up with second-best for? As you said yourself, you are a successful professional are not 'not unattractive' (I suspect a bit of modesty here). You only get one life - get out there and start living it! You deserve more of a life than this. You also know the answer to why he keeps coming back. You have made it easy for him and it massages his ego. There is nothing more complicated than that. Sure, he cares for you and you could probably have a good friendship but first you have got to make him show some respect for you. It isn't going to be easy but you have to break this cycle and get the life you deserve. Come on, is this what you want to be doing for the next 20 years? You CAN DO IT! Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
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