dumbwife00 Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 Let me begin ...10 yrs ago in 95 my husband and I met in highschool. He is two yrs older than I. Well 5 yrs ago we had a son and married in 2001. My husband has been in the navy since 1998 so some of the time we have been together he has been living in different states away from my son and I. During 2003 I was living with his mom while he lived in San Diego. Our relationship has been fine overall however we do occassionally have a fight. At the begining of 2003 my son and I lived with him in San Diego..then he sent us to live with his mom about 400 miles from there while he lived on base. He would come everyother weekend to see us and we would keep in touch via nextel phones, email and instant message. Well one day he emailed and everything seemed fine..two days later he came to see us and broke it off with me..saying he wanted a separation..he took off his ring.I felt it was sudden and had no idea what was going on. I was devastated. I moved out of his moms house and moved back to the town where my mom lived and moved in w/ her. I find out the reason he broke it off w/ me is..he started dating an old highschool girlfriend who is older than him..she is also separated and has 3 children...I was shocked hurt devastated..I begged him to come back to make our marriage work for our son...but he would just argue with me say F you and still date her! He frequently asked for a divorce and joint custody of our son. To make matters worse I had moved back to my mother's house in which she lives down the street from my husband's father..where my husband would hang out w/ this girl on the weekend's that he came to town. so I would have no choice but to pass by his house to get home to my mom's while he would be there w/ her...spending the night hanging out etc..! To make it worse my son knew that was his grandpa's house and would also notice his father there..sometimes he would come to town and not even bother to see our son but would hang out with this girl and HER kids sometimes. One time he did not see our son for a month! @ one point after 7 month's of dating her my husband decided to come back after I was able to convince him to do it for our son's sake and to save our marriage. He said he was going to break it off w/ her..HOWEVER HE DID NOT END UP BREAKING IT OFF! He called to tell me he was still going to date her that he loved her and that he was torn! Again I was devastated. Well two months later she ends up pregnant..He gets upset he does not want her to keep it but she does. He starts to make his way back to me and our son. He gets out of the navy breaks it off w/ her and comes to live w/ me @ my mom's. He said he would come back and work out our marriage for our son. He dated her for 9 mos.! I am very glad he is back , however she is pregnant w/ his son which he does not want. I don't understand him. Did he just come back to me because he was mad at her for keeping the baby?? Will we work out? He doesn't talk to her. He said he made a mistake. he said he regrets leaving us and that he is where he belongs. Does he even think of her? I'm confused. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 Originally posted by dumbwife00 I don't understand him. Did he just come back to me because he was mad at her for keeping the baby?? Will we work out? He doesn't talk to her. He said he made a mistake. he said he regrets leaving us and that he is where he belongs. Does he even think of her? I'm confused. There's no way of knowing what is going on really because you only know his side of the story. Whatever the case, he will likely end up paying child support to this woman - and their child will be a part of your lives in one way or another for the rest of your lives. Your husband may end up going back to her - you really can't know for sure. One thing you can do though to help prevent this is to insist on marriage counseling. There are just too many 'unknowns' going on to just 'let bygones be bygones' and continue on as if nothing happened. Hopefully through counseling you'll learn more about the situation and each other - and decide from there if there is enough there to keep your marriage together. Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 Yea, by doing this, he not only hurt you emotionally, but also hurt you financially due to the child support he will have to pay. Just think, the fact that he did this might mean a smaller house for you, a subpar college for your kids, forget vacations from now one, etc. Pretty sad. What a dick. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 The way that I read your post is that your husband only came back to you because he doesn't want the other woman anymore because she is pregnant. I wouldn't trust him to not leave you and cheat on you again; and abandon your son again. Marriage counseling may work for you, I hope it does, but it sounds to me like its really too late and you would be better off divorcing him and moving on with you life. I hope I'm wrong. Do you believe he is truly sincere with you now? Or do you honestly think that he only came back because of the other worman getting pregnant? He does not sound like a very responsible person. Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 I'd also probably tell him that if he wants the opportunity to be with you, he better figure out a way to double his income to make up for the lost money due to child support. 2nd and 3rd jobs or maybe a life of crime. Link to post Share on other sites
Breathe Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 I've walked in your shoes. My H has another child. I didn't know anything about it until after the baby was born. Many times I toddled back and forth, as you may - but he made positive changes within our marriage to make us work. Too this day, he still has to prove himself. It's hard work, but if your both want your marriage to succeed you both have to give, and compromise. My husband chose to not have anything to do with his child. The mother wants nothing to do with him, and especially doesn't want any of his money. This was their decision, which I was no part of. Marriage counseling didn't work for us, it just made us blame each other and leave even more upset. We communicated and continue to work in a way that is right for us. You have to decide what is best for you because ultimately only YOU can make yourself happy. Trust is very hard to regain. Time does help, and heal. You have to sit down together and lay everything out. Set up a game plan, and consequences for mistakes, and stick to it. Communication is key. I wish you all the best, as I know how hard this is on a family. People will tell you to leave him, but you need to do what you feel comfortable with. If you don't want to do the work, (to learn to trust again) then you need to let him go. You both need to figure out what you truly want, need and what you can and cannot live with. Talk about it, compromise if possible and go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 There is no way for you to know for sure what's motivated the change in your husband. All you can do is what feels right to you. I'd suggest that if he says he's honest about "being where he belongs", then he should be willing to prove that. Marriage counseling seems to be a MUST for you and him to make it. You've got to work out what was lacking in your relationship that he thought he was getting from her...and at the same time, start looking at what you're lacking as well...odds are, he's not meeting all of your needs anymore either. If he's being truthful about loving you and wanting to reconcile, he needs to take a lot of steps to rebuild your trust, and your relationship. He needs to become an open book...no more secrets, no more lies. You should have open access to his email, chats, voice mail, phone records, etc... If he's got nothing to hide, then he shouldn't complain about something that will help you to SEE that he's changed his behavior. In order for you to begin trusting him again, you've got to have proof that he's trustworthy. He should be completely open and honest with you about the affair...no matter how painful it may be for him. If you have questions, he should answer them to the best of his ability. And he should be reassuring you that he'll not ever do this again...by action and by words. Good luck friend! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 yikes, you're in a pretty tough predicament. If both parties are sincerely willing to make their marriage work – going to counselling, giving up all others, etc – y'all have a fighting chance. however, it sounds like the only reason he left his lover was because she got pregnant and he is not interested in that particular "reality." frankly, he sounds like a selfish SOB ... you two need to do some serious communicating, as painful as it may turn out. until he can actually commit to you and your child, it's pretty much a moot point to get back together. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevaVida Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 The problem is that now that he has fathered the OM's child, there is a lifelong connection between them. He will also have to pay child support which can hurt your finances. What about the vacation you wanted to go on, what about paying your bills? Finances can put a huge strain on a marriage and his paying out monthly will be a reminder of what he did. What worries me about the situation is that the OW probably wants to marry him and will keep throwing herself at him. There will be a lot of temptation there. You also have a lifelong connection to him since you both have a son. I don't have the answers, but I am very sorry this happened. Marriage Counseling is vital to repair what you have and personal counseling will help you realize if you want to repair it or to move on. In this case, I think a combination of personal and marital counseling would benefit you. Also, I am a little worried about the fact that he is having unprotected sex with another woman. What happens if there are others and do you use protection with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by HokeyReligions The way that I read your post is that your husband only came back to you because he doesn't want the other woman anymore because she is pregnant. I wouldn't trust him to not leave you and cheat on you again; and abandon your son again. Marriage counseling may work for you, I hope it does, but it sounds to me like its really too late and you would be better off divorcing him and moving on with you life. I hope I'm wrong. Do you believe he is truly sincere with you now? Or do you honestly think that he only came back because of the other worman getting pregnant? He does not sound like a very responsible person. Hokey's right...why do you want him back at all? Father of your child is not the same as decent husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 Wife (I do not believe you are dumb at all), You may want to protect yourself and your son financially by legally separating and filing for Child Support first. I am no expert but it is my understanding that 'the first woman to the courthouse WINS' in terms of percentage of income in many States. You can establish child support whilst she is pregnant and thereby claim your advantage. Should the OW's child prove out to be his through DNA testing (required if parents are not married to each other in Child Support cases), YOUR son's financial position will already be established whether you eventually divorce or not. Relationships are difficult in the best of circumstances. At least you can secure practical, financial matters whilst you have the advantage. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
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