Does Divorce ever leave your head?

[Movingforward2]

I'm about 7 months since "D-day" and 1 month post divorce. I see my XW quite a bit because of the kids....but does it ever leave your mind? It has been difficult, but I got the paperwork over quickly so I could move on.......but the emotional part is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with.

 

I don't know what goes through a woman's head. I've researched all the warning signs, WAW, GIGS, mid-life, and my wife meets all of the criteria. It has been sad to watch someone completely change in a way it's maddening. Like most of us on here, you do the complete opposite of the 180, and then figure out it doesn't work only to work the 180 and see the results. The 180 more than anything helps you move on and keep moving forward.

 

I just can't get her or "our old family life" out of my head. I know we are getting to the point that dating other people is about to happen, and I still sometimes can't believe that this is really going on. I have plenty of opportunity to see and pursue other women, but don't think that will make me any happier either. I'm pretty happy with myself, except for this situation........

 

I know there isn't a time limit on this stuff.........I just want to know if or when the emotional part ever leaves?

[amaysngrace]

Isn't three years the magic number for healing and getting properly back on your feet after the blow you receive from getting divorced?

 

That's what I think I've read somewhere.

 

Time heals all wounds, mi amigo. Hang in there.

[carhill]

As long as you co-parent together, IMO the tone/overview of the D will remain as a conscious memory. How you process that memory and the attendant emotions is a choice. Personally, I'd table the analysis of when the thoughts of D leave my head and take a look at it again in a year. See how it goes. Sometimes focusing on something perpetuates it. Again, we have choices.

[aliveagain]

It will be this way until someone else fills her void. Each day until that happens it will be a little less. You can't go back and as long as you live in the past this will continue to be an issue. You can make the future anything you want, time to book that trip to Cabo.

[M30USA]

I wouldn't know. My ex-wife's father is the only one I see. He does all of the child exchanges with me while his daughter just sits in his truck. Even when I do phone calls with my kids, the people I typically hear in background are her mom and dad. Also at school functions, her mom and dad always handle my kids while ex-wife heads out to car. Real nice that this is the parent who won custody and its virtually the grandparents who at raising them while on their mother's time. The grandparents even pick my kids up from school. They are also present at birthday parties that my boys go to. I haven't physically spoken with my ex-wife in over 2 years now. Some people say this is for the better, but honestly I get annoyed by her intrusive parents.

Edited February 8, 2014 by M30USA

[Shocked Suzie]

I hear you 100%, I often wonder when those pings on sadness and wow moments will stop.

 

I don't know what goes through a woman's head. I've researched all the warning signs, WAW, GIGS, mid-life, and my wife meets all of the criteria.

 

I've also done ALL of the above to try to understand, to try to fit the puzzle together...whilst doing this 'I personally' find it tends to keep me in that moment, it holds me back and drags me down... I'm not going to read anymore "information" my focus is now ME... I feel better already, someone on here told me I need to let go, I think I've started and have had moments of contentment quite often since stopping looking into 'the situation'

 

Their actions and behaviours are a reflection on who they are inside... Not a reflection on us.

 

Time heals, although I truly believe my scar will be deep...just got to wear it and make a better path for ourselves in time... It will happen cause we have learnt from this hurt

 

SS x

[Movingforward2]

I see my ex-wife several times per week. We can have a great time together, but yet it's almost like she "tries" not to like me. We have great conversation, can get along, and she is pleasant to everyone else. Except somehow dealing with me raises the pressure on her.....it's so weird. Everyone that knows us says "your divorce is so weird...." And I'm thinking. If they only knew. We do all kinds of things together because of the kids, however the relationship part NEVER comes up.

 

I just don't understand it. It's like being stuck in neutral. Going out and dating would certainly help, however some days I think I'm that point, and some days I don't. Much like the above poster, I'm really scarred. I've always been confident, but this really shook me up for a couple of months. I'm getting back to "being myself" and it's hard because mutual friends of ours love both of us and would love to see us work it out.

[Steadfast]

I know there isn't a time limit on this stuff.........I just want to know if or when the emotional part ever leaves?

 

It'll leave when your feelings are transferred to something/someone else.

 

For now, you could find out exactly what her feelings are (provided what she says is actually true...and not what she's constructed to tell you) but knowing wouldn't bring her any closer to you. Her conclusion is what you should acknowledge -her actions- and that conclusion is that she is gone.

 

If pressed for an answer, I'd wager her response would be a jumble of emotions. Isn't it ironic that we continue to ask the question when the answer has already been given? I suppose most of us would like to know so we don't repeat our mistakes, but looking deeper, love doesn't work that way. Romance, or romantic feelings are not emotions we can control. Nor would we want to.

 

It's either there, or it isn't. But even the strongest romance can be killed by selfishness, neediness, insecurity or any form of weakness. Love needs to be nurtured, not taken for granted and should never be ignored.

 

The heart is unfazed by legal conclusions or even time...but the heart can be healed by slowly accepting and understanding that love and romance is kept alive by two willing participants. Two partners who decide and commit to love, honor and respect will survive. A marriage where love and happiness is dependent on one partner supplying it to the other partner's satisfaction, won't. In that case, one could know and follow the rules to the very letter and still find themselves alone on the whim of their spouse.

 

Know the difference between real love and false love, and never place the burden of your identity on the relationship. When we're true to ourselves, the burden of healing or rejection is never too great to overcome.

[uhboy]

I'm about 7 months since "D-day" and 1 month post divorce. I see my XW quite a bit because of the kids....but does it ever leave your mind? It has been difficult, but I got the paperwork over quickly so I could move on.......but the emotional part is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with.

 

I don't know what goes through a woman's head. I've researched all the warning signs, WAW, GIGS, mid-life, and my wife meets all of the criteria. It has been sad to watch someone completely change in a way it's maddening. Like most of us on here, you do the complete opposite of the 180, and then figure out it doesn't work only to work the 180 and see the results. The 180 more than anything helps you move on and keep moving forward.

 

I just can't get her or "our old family life" out of my head. I know we are getting to the point that dating other people is about to happen, and I still sometimes can't believe that this is really going on. I have plenty of opportunity to see and pursue other women, but don't think that will make me any happier either. I'm pretty happy with myself, except for this situation........

 

I know there isn't a time limit on this stuff.........I just want to know if or when the emotional part ever leaves?

I'm about 5 months behind you, but I know what you mean and its hard not to dwell on your past life with her given that its occupied so much of your mind for a long time. I too will have to see the XW a lot given that we have young kids, and I know that she will be parading around with a new guy probably relatively soon since i filed due to her affair. Its hard to imagine another man in my kids life, but you can manage your emotions by framing it in a way that is honest and forward looking rather than through the prism of your old life and old ways of thinking about her. The way I see it, I couldn't be with my XW because I know she has deep issues with trust and vulnerability and was unwilling to deal with it, which doesnt work in a marriage. So to me, she will just be the same with the next guy at some point...after all she's been married 3x. And the kids are smart enough to know who their dad is, and I am close to each of them. But you can't control her or her choices, Trust that there is happiness waiting for you, it just takes time to re-establish you mindset away from the old life - which was unsustainable - and create new familiar patterns and onto a new and better life.

[Dogberry]

It never stops hurting, it just gets less painful over time.

 

Get some proffessional help, it helpes me, but if i am honest i still replay my life frequently.

[iris219]

I asked my bf this question.

 

He co-parents with his ex wife and he said he doesn't think about the fact that they even had a relationship. He thinks of her as his children's mom, sort of a distant family member.

 

When they got divorced, they had been unhappy for a long time and it was relief. The divorce was the good part, the marriage the bad part. He was one of those "let's have a party to celebrate my divorce" people.

 

In their case, he had dealt with the ending of the marriage before the actual divorce, so he was over it and ready for it when it happened.

 

He's also in a good relationship now. He says he never though it was possible to be so in love and so happy with another person. His divorce is actually a bright spot in his life because it signified the beginning of a new, satisfying life.

 

You will move on eventually. I think you have to really want to move on though.

[TheBladeRunner]

Hi OP, I got lucky. The emotional aspects went away rather quickly; not sure if it means I was done too or maybe it was a way of my mind protecting itself from the actions of my WW (now XW). The stuff that still sticks here and there are the life aspects though: The life we had, the comfort of someone being there, somebody to talk to, things we did together, sharing responsibilities etc..

[M30USA]

He co-parents with his ex wife and he said he doesn't think about the fact that they even had a relationship. He thinks of her as his children's mom, sort of a distant family member.

 

That's really great advice.