Rotting Away...

[Inflikted]

So, I'm a 25 year old guy, and I'm sort of stuck... Let me back up for a second, because there's a lot of history here, and a lot of it has to do with my mom.

 

As a child, I was pretty shy. I never had friends, I never went to birthday parties or sleepovers, or anything like that. I was very close with my mom, however. She pretty much babied me and coddled me, and while it didn't occur to me back then, looking back, she planted a lot of bad "seeds" in my head; "seeds" that amounted to the idea that she was the only person I could trust, that everyone else in the world was bad and out to get me, that the world is a scary horrible place, that I couldn't trust or depend on anyone, basically, that everyone and everything was bad except her, and that she was the only one that would ever love me.

 

She kind of brainwashed me into these beliefs during my whole childhood, and even through high school. It didn't help matters that, during high school, I became the target of vicious bullying for the entire four years; as if that wasn't scarring enough as it is, it reinforced the belief that my mom was the only person that would ever care about me.

 

After high school, I felt so burnt out on life that I just didn't do anything. No college, no job, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Eventually, I finally felt compelled to get a part time job, and start taking classes at a community college, but I've always been unable to make friends, have a social life, date, etc. I just never learned how to be a social person, and actually, my mom basically discouraged it my entire life.

 

Shortly after high school had ended, though, I learned some pretty bad stuff about my mom. She had done something very suspicious to me, and I gave into temptation and started eavesdropping on some of her personal phone calls and e-mails. That's how I got to see the real her; I found out she was cheating on my dad with multiple old flames, and the things she would say to them about my dad and about her life in general were just horrifying. I never had the courage to confront my mom or tell my dad what I had found. I just couldn't do it.

 

At that point, I started seeing my mom for what she really was. And yet, ever since then, I've been unable to break free from her "spell". I know all of this horrible stuff about her, yet... I continue to feed into the little act she puts on to me and everyone else.

 

Worse than that, I keep feeding into her "brainwashing". Even now, she's extremely attached to me. At home (yes, I still live with my parents), she acts somewhat child-like, and is constantly whining that she wants me to spend time with her because she's lonely. If I'm away, and I don't text her where I am, who I'm with, when I'll be back, etc., she has these panic attacks and freaks out on me. I've mentioned in passing the idea of moving out eventually, and she acts like a crybaby, and goes into these child-like rants about how I'm supposed to live with her forever, and stuff.

 

Even worse, she's very discouraging to me. When I started taking classes at a new school that I like a lot last year, she didn't seem thrilled, and ever since I started taking classes, she frequently begs me to call off and stay home, or whatnot. I also have an internship through my school, and she also begs me to not go to that. The two or three times I actually had plans to go out with people in my entire life (one of which being for my birthday), she begged me not to go.

 

She constantly discourages me, she tells me I'm not good enough, that I "can't take care of myself", that bad things are going to happen to me in the outside world, etc., and even though I've been aware enough of her manipulation for years now, I still feed into it, I still believe it. Her continuing to do this makes me doubt myself.

 

I want to move out, I want to establish a good career for myself, I want to have friends, I want to have a social life, I want to find an awesome girl and get married some day. Yet, my mom keeps discouraging me from being able to do any of this, and even though I know she's doing it, I still feel the doubt and the lack of confidence in myself.

 

And here I am, 25 years old, still living at home, no semblance of a social life, no chance of getting a date. All because I keep giving in to my mom's manipulation. I know I shouldn't be, yet, I just feel so compelled to keep giving in to her, and it's ruining my life. I feel like I'm rotting away, wasting my life away. I just don't know what to do with myself at this point...

[Grumpybutfun]

You seem to understand where you are getting these messages and the negative role your mother plays in your life. Her influence and helicopter parenting is sabotaging your chance at having a functional life. Move out as soon as possible and start placing boundaries. At some point you have to make a conscious decision to live your life outside of being your mothers codependent partner. She will survive without this unhealthy dynamic she has fostered in you. No one should have to be kept prisoner by being their parents validation. You are letting your life pass you by because she feels uncomfortable about you having your own life. This is highly dysfunctional. IC would probably be a good step towards independence. Get a good job, keep working on an education and then find somewhere else to live. Time to grow up. Read everything you can find on helicopter parenting, codependency and how to place boundaries.

Good luck,

Grumps

[JDPT]

Your mother needs therapy ASAP.

[AnyaNova]

Your mother needs therapy ASAP.

 

And I would add, not because of anything intrinsically wrong with you, but all the programming your mother gave you, that getting yourself some would be a great idea!

[Haydn]

Narc? She needs her supply from you. Do as the others have said and have your borders.

[Inflikted]

Your mother needs therapy ASAP.

 

Pfft. My mom wouldn't even consider that. Actually, I have a story to tell about recent events, that I'll get to in just a minute.

 

You seem to understand where you are getting these messages and the negative role your mother plays in your life. Her influence and helicopter parenting is sabotaging your chance at having a functional life. Move out as soon as possible and start placing boundaries. At some point you have to make a conscious decision to live your life outside of being your mothers codependent partner. She will survive without this unhealthy dynamic she has fostered in you. No one should have to be kept prisoner by being their parents validation. You are letting your life pass you by because she feels uncomfortable about you having your own life. This is highly dysfunctional. IC would probably be a good step towards independence. Get a good job, keep working on an education and then find somewhere else to live. Time to grow up. Read everything you can find on helicopter parenting, codependency and how to place boundaries.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

And I would add, not because of anything intrinsically wrong with you, but all the programming your mother gave you, that getting yourself some would be a great idea!

 

See, the biggest problem here is that I simply can't afford to move out, nor can I afford therapy for myself. I make just enough money to cover my cost of living as it is. I'm hoping I can get a better job some time in the next year, but I've been hoping for that for a few years, now, and that hasn't come to fruition yet. So for now, I'm just... stuck, and I hate that, because there's really nothing I can do. I can't stop my mom from being the way she is, and as hard as I try (and as much as I hate myself for it after the fact), I continue to feed into her craziness.

 

So, time for my story. I've always been abrasive to the idea of therapy for many reasons, mainly that I simply didn't think it would do anything for me. I finally caved a few months ago and went for a session. I never told my mom about it and I lied about where I was going to her when my appointment actually came around, all because I knew she'd never approve and that she'd make a big fuss over it. After the session, though, I just didn't feel like it was something I wanted to continue pursuing, so I never went back.

 

Unfortunately, though, on Christmas Eve, they randomly sent a general letter to me, and my mom opened it and read it (she claims she mistook it for some medical bill she was waiting for...). When I got home from work, she simply came to me in a very confrontational demeanor, threw the letter at me, and said "Your mentally ill stuff came today...", then walked out. I was confused, and when I looked over the letter, my heart sank, to think that they actually sent a letter.

 

On Christmas morning, my mom then confronted me about the whole thing, and made the whole thing about her. She cried, and told me how she was so upset that I went to talk to some therapist, and that she was up all night throwing up because of me, and she told me I ruined Christmas. She told me that I shouldn't be grouping myself in with "mentally ill" people that need a therapist. I tried to explain to her that I felt like I had symptoms of depression and that I was trying to get myself help, and she basically blew that off and said that "everyone is depressed" and that being depressed is just "a part of life", and whatnot. If I remember right, I think she said that the idea of going to therapy is stupid.

 

Thing is, during this whole "fight", or whatever you want to call it, I lied to her and said that I was just requesting information (so, I still never told her I went to a session). And I'm on edge, because I just found out that my insurance doesn't cover therapy costs like I was previously told it that it did, so I'm expecting to receive a bill in the mail eventually from the place I went, and if my mom opens that, eh... I just don't want to go through that again. I've been trying to intercept the mail as much as I can to make sure that never happens, but unfortunately, there are plenty of days where that's just not possible. I'm dreading the day the letter comes and she opens it and blows a gasket again... v_v

 

Narc? She needs her supply from you. Do as the others have said and have your borders.

 

Easier said than done, unfortunately. My mom is just so good at making me feel bad, and using guilt, and I just have too much of a soft side to fight that. She uses crying a lot as a "trick" to "win" fights, and I just can't be firm against a crying woman. Not to mention, a few years ago, she had some heart problems, and any time I push too hard against her in an argument, she goes to her "You're going to make me have heart problems again, and I'm going to end up in the hospital again because of you; is that what you want, to put me in the hospital?" mode. I don't have any doubts that she would actually work herself up so much that she needed to go to the hospital, either. That's just how she is. And I just couldn't live with myself if she had that to hold over my head.

 

My mom is determined to always be "right" and to always have the last word. She's so cerebral, and so unbelievably good at being a puppet master. She knows exactly what to say and what to do to get me to bend to her will. She's always five steps ahead of me and has so many "safety nets" in place for her arguments that it's always a losing battle for me. I just can't win, with her.

[CA2TN4Love]

You keep saying that you "can't do anything about it". That's simply not true. There are many things you can do; however, your mother has made you her codependent cohort.

 

You are 25 years old, not 18. I have no doubt that you need counseling. One session is not long enough to know that it won't help you. You have 25 years of emotional blackmail to sift through. It's going to take more than one session to see any kind of progress. It's also going to make you feel uncomfortable at times and it's going to take a lot of hard work. You say that you can't afford it, which I understand. Go online and look up your local social services department. Start there and see what services are available to you, based on income.

 

I don't know how many courses you are taking in school, but if it's not a full load, find a second part time job. Take the money from that second job and stash it away. Don't touch that money. Let it build until you have enough to cover six months of living expenses in a roommate situation. I live in California, and where I live, you can rent a room, including utilities, for around $450 a month.

 

You need to start taking proactive steps to reclaim your life. When I read your posts, I see a lot of excuses. You've been a victim to your mother for your whole life, don't be a victim to yourself as well.

[FitChick]

Move in with your dad.

[Inflikted]

You keep saying that you "can't do anything about it". That's simply not true. There are many things you can do; however, your mother has made you her codependent cohort.

 

...

 

You need to start taking proactive steps to reclaim your life. When I read your posts, I see a lot of excuses. You've been a victim to your mother for your whole life, don't be a victim to yourself as well.

 

Yeah, I know, that's part of it, though. I get that from her. She, herself, always has this real pitiful, helpless attitude, and she's conditioned me to feel the same way. I know I "can" do things, I know I have to be the one to make changes, but I can't get out of my own head, I struggle with the voice in me that makes me doubt myself and every choice I can make, and I always give in because that's what I know how to do, and as irrational as it actually is, it makes sense to me.

 

You are 25 years old, not 18. I have no doubt that you need counseling. One session is not long enough to know that it won't help you. You have 25 years of emotional blackmail to sift through. It's going to take more than one session to see any kind of progress. It's also going to make you feel uncomfortable at times and it's going to take a lot of hard work. You say that you can't afford it, which I understand. Go online and look up your local social services department. Start there and see what services are available to you, based on income.

 

I suppose. Truth be told, I've always had a bias against the idea of therapy, and though it's constantly been suggested to me from outside forces, I just can't get into the right mindset for it. When I went, the therapist gave me a couple simple exercises to try out in between sessions, and I knew right then and there that I had no interest in doing those. I have to be open to therapy in order for it to really work, and I'm simply not open to it.

 

Besides, even if I stuck with it, I think doing it while continuing to live with my mom would be counterproductive. I'm stuck in a very toxic environment right now. No matter what happens outside the home, every time I come back in, my mom is there waiting.

 

I don't know how many courses you are taking in school, but if it's not a full load, find a second part time job. Take the money from that second job and stash it away. Don't touch that money. Let it build until you have enough to cover six months of living expenses in a roommate situation. I live in California, and where I live, you can rent a room, including utilities, for around $450 a month.

 

I'm a full time student, and I also have an unpaid internship I have to make time for as well. As it is, I feel a bit stretched thin.

 

Honestly, I'd prefer to live by myself right now. I don't have any friends I could be roommates with, and I refuse to live with a stranger (I have severe trust issues and paranoia towards people in general, let alone strangers).

 

Move in with your dad.

 

See, one of the biggest reasons I never told my dad what I found out about my mom is because he's very fragile emotionally. He once had a major emotional breakdown when he lost his job a few years ago. I'm pretty sure if he found out the truth about my mom, he'd kill himself. I think he suspects she's been unfaithful, but at the same time, he's clung to her.

 

My dad is not a particularly successful person, he doesn't have any kind of social life or life outside of home/ work, himself. As unhappy as he may be with my mom, he's committed to her, because in his mind, she's all he has. If they split up, she wouldn't care, she'd just go hop in bed with her old boyfriends, and on top of that, with her dominating personality, she'd probably strong arm my dad into giving her the house and whatnot. My dad would simply fall apart.

 

It's sad to have to sit by and watch, but my parents' entire relationship is a lie, but if they actually hash it out, it's just going to end badly for everyone except my mom. My dad would simply commit suicide, my mom would shrug it off, take the life insurance payout, take the house, and play out her wild sex fantasies, while I'd be stuck sitting on the sidelines, without a father. As hard as it is to sit by and watch, I'd rather keep my dad alive than to let my entire world come crashing down.