Starnette83 Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 Ive been dating my bf for 4 years and we have had really rocky times that dealt with me not trusting him but for valid reasons, last summer i broke up with him because i had ENOUGH, it was too painful being with him and dealing with his lies, he was flirting with girls online, giving his #'s to girls in real life and just acting like if he was single and then treating me good and later treating me like dirt and putting his friends before me... I finally called it quits even tho it broke my heart and i felt like i couldnt ever breath again... i lasted one month with no contact and really tried forgetting him even tho it seemed impossible and every day instead of getting easier it just seemed to get harder without him there. Anyways we got back together because i gave up and called him..but i just called because i was drunk, then he told me he missed me and we ended up getting back.. since we got back things had been great...now today..i find an email in his sent box..and there it was...a image back to the past..he had written to a girl from craigslist and sent his pic to her...and wrote that they should go out to see a movie together..and some info about him..AHHHH!!! "NOT AGAIN" i screamed inside!!! WHY!!! he was in my house when i saw it...i went up to him, without screaming or anything, just somewhat motionless and sad, and asked him "WHy? why do u keep doing this to me?" and he looked confused as to not sure what i was talking about .....and thats when i told him to follow me and pointed to the computer screen were he saw his sent email... He didnt know what to say and then just hugged me "Im sorry, it was stupid"...and i said "STUPID? is that your excuse, how many more times will u say this and not change? how can i keep trying to believe you and you do it again? I cant, im so sick of this"... i didnt want to fight though, and he knows that im weak to his touch... I just walked away, soemhow wishing it all wasnt true and i wasnt facing this once again, as though it was a reacurring nightmare, i tried so hard to brush it off and show him that i didnt care anymore, but inside it was screaming and lashing out at me "HES A LIAR, HE DOESNT LOVE YOU, HE WILL KEEP DOING THIS AND EVEN CHEAT ON YOU"...ahh the thoughts drove me crazy and then i just recall all the good times, that night we slept in eachother arms and he told me how beautiful i was...ugh it just didnt make sense,, nothing MAKES SENSE..... what am i to do??? I LOVE HIM AND I FEEL HE LOVES ME>...yet why?? why does he keep doing this ? Link to post Share on other sites
jcs0521 Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 You've done the right thing, I too once had a bf who cheated all the time. Together for five years. We split up and got back together so many times, in the end I was sick of it. He'd come back every time with apologies, saying he wouldn't do it again, but of course he did. You will have good memories after being together for so long, that is perfectly natural and normal. But there is also this fundamental flaw that he has that will make it next to impossible for you to really trust him again, or believe what you have together is real. You have to follow your instincts with this one. You either keep on the emotional rollercoaster with this guy, never knowing which way is up with him, always wondering if he is being true to you, or break it off for good. Things will be tough for a while, no easy way about it. But when things have calmed down and you find yourself again, there will be more chance for you to find someone else that will not put you through this crazy sh*t. Take some time for yourself, grieve the good times but also remember the bad, you cannot change him. You will be stronger and you will know what you will or will not put up with. Don't put up with his behaviour, even though you may love him, in the end he will kill your love for him if you keep going in circles, and you may also end up losing your own self respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms_Sweetness Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 OMG, I went through the same thing with my ex. Was surfing the net a found that he had been sending pics and emails to girls wanting to mee them. When I confronted him, he told me that "It's just the internet, it doesn't mean anything". I let it slide, but he kept doing it until I got irritated with it all and left him alone. It was easy for me because he and I had only been together for 7mths but it still hurt, so I can imagine what you are going through. I would keep on him unitl he tells me why he feels the need to meet other girls. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starnette83 Posted January 17, 2005 Author Share Posted January 17, 2005 Ahh it just makes me so mad and sad at the same time, i want to just let i slide and make myself believe that he wont do it again but i know that down the road he will do it again, it just crushes me because he doesnt appreciate what we have together and all the hard work it has taken us to get here to four years, and what also makes me mad is that he knows how much i love him that it just seems he takes it for granted... It just hurts and i just wish i could take this mentality off about him being the only one for me yet its so difficult because in my heart he is the only one, and besides all his flaws i still love him ......... I just dont want to go though this and i know if i keep letting things slide or forgiving him he will never respect me and i rather just be a doormat. Im still young, 21, and have a chance to move on, but its just hard because like i said hes th eonly for me, in his arms i feel safe and protected but when he does this i feel so small, and like im being crushed and everything that seems so beautiful is just dying, and i just begin to question everything. I also dont know how to get over him because i tried and i failed so many times, i even did that one month contact and gave up, it was so hard to go everyday without talking to him or seeing him, it felt so weird and sad, and i just had to call him and when i saw him again it felt like we had never even said goodbye and it was all back to how good it used to be. I hate this though, i hate feeling so insecure about myself, blaming myself for this and thinking every girl is better then me and maybe thats why hes so busy looking for another, sometimes i even try to justify thinking hes young, hes barely 20, he will eventaully change and stop acitng this way, but that day seems to never come and back to the same cycle of crying, being confused and him acting sorry but yet not really showing it and just ignoring it and living his life so happily..and making me feel like whether im there or not it makes no difference in his life because either way he just wants another girl..and it just drives me insane!!!!!!! UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGh.....why!?! Link to post Share on other sites
jcs0521 Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 There is nothing wrong with you girl!! I felt the same way when it was happening to me. This guy just doesn't know what love is, he doesn't know how fortunate he is to have such a wonderful girl in his life. HE is the fool, not you. You WILL meet someone else who will love you and treat you with respect, BUT you have to give yourself that chance. Staying with a guy who doesn't really appreciate you, OR any other girls who cross his path is a long road to unhappiness. He will treat these other girls the same. Lucky them, huh? My ex hasn't changed, he now lives in Thailand. Is engaged to a thai girl, but still goes with every girl who gives him a withering glance. It is easier for him to be a player in Thailand because all you have to do is buy the girls drinks and they will sleep with you. Suits him entirely. He doesn't know what love is. I pity him, and this poor girl who he's engaged to. After I finally split up with him for good, I met a wonderful guy who treated me so well..........unfortunately we're not together anymore and I'm doing my best to get over it, but I know I'm capable of real love and receiving it. I know I will again. Hugs to you xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starnette83 Posted January 17, 2005 Author Share Posted January 17, 2005 should i break off with him? or take a break, i dont know what to do Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starnette83 Posted January 17, 2005 Author Share Posted January 17, 2005 If you cut, I will bleed, bring me down to my knees You make me feel what I am is never good enough Can you help me understand, thought I made you a better man I guess somehow along the way, things just change It seems just like a distant memory That you used to be good for me But, baby, now it's clear I give you take, somehow it's gonna break I pray for the strength, I hate to say I know we can't go on this way I give you take, I know we're gonna break And it hurts my soul, I hate to say We can't go on this way With your words you pull me in, I always lose I just can't win And though I see my heart is blind, it gives in every time You've got me on constant repeat, I need a cure or a remedy 'cause if I stay there won't be, nothing left for me... Now there's nothing left for us to save 'cause only bitterness remains What we have is like a house of cards and it's falling apart And It's impossible to get it back with the bridges that you've burned I guess it's time to walk away 'cause now it's so clear... -By maria (lyrics) Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 When words and actions are in conflict, look at the actions to know the truth. He says he loves you and thinks you're beautiful. He says his girlhunting is stupid. Those are the words. His actions say, "I am looking for other girls. The fact that this devastates you will not make me stop looking for other girls." Imagine him speaking those words out loud, because that IS what he is doing. I would recommend leaving him, but only you can judge the value of what you two have together, vs. the "Groundhog Day" pain of experiencing the same shock and disappointment over and over again. The one thing I would advise you is to ACCEPT the reality that if you stay together, he will almost certainly keep up the "craigslist"/pics/match/whatever hunt. Don't let your hope overrule your intelligence on that one. He has already seen your pain again and again, and it doesn't mean enough to encourage him to change. Link to post Share on other sites
citygrrl Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 he was flirting with girls online, giving his #'s to girls in real life and just acting like if he was single and then treating me good and later treating me like dirt and putting his friends before me... Ask yourself one question - do you really deserve this kind of treatment? How does it make you feel about yourself? I was in a situation just like the oneyou are describing... I put up with it for 3 yrs. And when I finally had the courage to end it, my self- esteem was in a shambles! Do you REALLY think you can't do any better? There are good, caring men out there that would never DREAM of doing something like this to the woman he supposedly "loves". He will continue to do what he is doing, because by staying with him, you are allowing it. By him being the "playa" he thinks he is, he has worn away your self -esteem, because most likely his actions are making you think there is something wrong with you, or that you are not "good enough" - because if you were, why all of this? Girl, what he needs is a wake up call! My suggestion(s): 1). Initiate NO CONTACT immediately 2). Do things that will boost your self - esteem: go to the gym, get a makeover, take a new class - no matter how beautiful and/or intelligent you are, you need to believe it yourself! Undo some of the damage that has been done. Surround yourself with people who think highly of you, and have nothing but good things to say about you. 3). Even if you are feeling down and do the sweatpants, no makeup thing - STOP! When you leave the house, make sure you look your best. You will hold your head higher, and more people will smile at you when you catch their eye. Now I know a lot of this has centered on the superficial, but idiots like this will make you feel as if you are ugly and worthless. You have to prove it to yourself that this is NOT the case, otherwise you will continue to feel this way. He has hurt you, and made you feel like you are not good enough. It is up to YOU to convince yourself that this is not the case - in fact, you are TOO GOOD for him. Don't make excuses for him, either. He is an insecure little boy that doesn't know how to treat someone who loves him. You need someone who is not going to make you miserable - and for right now, being alone and giving yourself time to heal and regain your self - esteem is vital, otherwise next time you'll most likely end up with someone just like him. It hurts bad, I know...trust me when I tell you to JUST GIVE IT TIME. After you have been away from him for awhile, you will see things a little clearer. And you may become very angry at him once you see things for what they are. This is normal. I'm sure you treated him like a king, too. This is usually the case when things like this happen, and it adds to the hurt because " how could he do this to me when I bent over backwards for this person"? A book I have found to be very helpful - it's called Why Men Love Bitches. It does not teach you how to become a classic "bitch" - it teaches you how to stand up for yourself in a relationship. After reading it, I was mad at myself because I realized that I made an awful lot of mistakes. This book is humorous as well, so it gets the message across without being dry or self-pitying. Get out there, live your life, hold your head up, girl - remember that he fell in love with you. And others will, too. Don't settle for that kind of treatment EVER AGAIN! And if he DOES decide to change his ways, which he may, and you REALLY believe him, look him right in the eye and tell him that if it EVER happens again, you will never speak to him again - EVER! But before that . do the No Contact thing first, to let him know you mean business. What he did was terrible, and readily giving him another chance lets him think he got away with it, again. Who knows- in th meantime after some NC and focusing on yourself, you may find you don't really need him after all! Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 Break off with this guy. He isn't going to change his ways simply because you may want him to...hoping that it will stop won't make it stop. I know it sucks but that is the truth. Look at it from his perspective...you caught him doing something that you expected him to stop doing and you basically just walked away without punishing him...he sees this and realizes you will keep putting up with it and he basically has control over you. I mean look at the past...you broke up with him over this and then got back together with him. He sees you will put up with it even if it bugs you. So break this line of thought and dump his ass. If you have any self respect you will drop this guy and move on and find a decent guy out there. As for thinking you are so secure in his arms, etc...you can have that with another guy who will actually not do such stupid things like your current guy seems to do. Just do not rush into being with another guy who may be an a**h*** too...take your time and find the right guy. As you said, you are only 21 so you have lots of tiem to fight the right guy for you and the RIGHT guy does not do the crap your current is doing. So please, dump him. Don't reward him for acting like a douchebag by giving him your love. I am sure you are a wonderful girl and you coudl actually be wiht a guy who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 I wonder about the severity of his flirtation: I joined a website like this one, and made a close group of friends. Well, the web administrator got tired of us idly chatting to one another in their forum, so we made our own little forum, that we go to and talk to one another. It's about 9 women, and four guys. We've shared pictures of each other, and we talk daily. Sometimes flirting does happen. I have the email addresses of the guys at my disposal. We joke about meeting each other all the time, but we've never met, and I have no intention of actually meeting any of them. Also, there is some inappropriate flirting going on. For instance, one of them had a contest that whomever could write the best erotic letter would win free tanning lotion. I won I know within myself that it was innocent fun. I know within myself that I would NEVER do anything with this guy, because I'm totally happy with my spouse. I flirt around with the guys I work with too...that's to be expected. What I'm saying all of this for, is are you SURE that this is something that you should worry about? Does he actually meet and hang out with this woman, or is this innocent? One of the guys on the site was talking about a picture of himself in a thong, and I asked to see it, and he emailed it to me. I looked at it, thought it was cool, and deleted it....or maybe I saved it somewhere...anyway, it has nothing to do with my husband. It's just fun. I wouldn't call it flirting. I didn't even THINK about my husband possibly getting upset about it, because I know it's innocent. but if My husband had a problem with any of this, I'd stop it. Or would I...he's asked me not to post on here any more, but I LOVE posting on here. He believes that getting input from you guys casuses problems in our marriage. Gosh I just realized that I'm not better than he is about porn. I just lie like he does, and keep doing what I want. *Monday runs to re evaluate her relationship* Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starnette83 Posted January 17, 2005 Author Share Posted January 17, 2005 well guys ive been thinking and after a talk with my sister and after these posts i do think i should break up its just hard because i also depend myself alot on him which is a bad habit, like he was going to go to court with me for this ticket i have to fight and do my traffic school online, which i dont know how to do, its stupid little things i depend on him and feel as tho i need him there by my side. Also i feel that by letting him free im leaving doors open for a new girl to be in his life, i guess i keep focusing on him instead of focusing on me..i keep thinking "he will party alot now, meet new girls and be happy"...instead of thinking "I will get in shape, do good in school and even meet a better guy in the future" ....So far its almost 3pm and I havent called him today and he hasnt called me either, last night we were online and i just said "we need a break" but he nevere responded so i just signed off and went to bed. Anyways today im going to work so that should help a bit...i want to go to the gym tho before work even tho that just means i have to shower at the gym, whcih i hate doing..but i dont want to call him the whole day today!! Ahh he fixed my computer tho and thats cool, every time i get a virus on it he fixes it, hes smart and thats what also makes me attracted to him, that and hes told by his cousins "you look like an abercrombie and fitch model" grr make him more cocky damnit!! anyways i need to move on somewhow because i dont want to be weak and i dont want to be disrespected... So many women have made the same mistake of being with the same loser always, and i dont want to be that way even though i must admit i have becayus i have put up with it for four years, well the first year between us was perfect but after that it hasnt been. therefore its 3 years in this cycle! I need to buy a diary and just write my goals and thoughts, and just find my way out of this!!!!! Maybe i should even write a book that can soemday help others stuck in this same insanity..well gtg imma get my stuff ready for the gym Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starnette83 Posted January 18, 2005 Author Share Posted January 18, 2005 ugh i feel horrible, i jsut came back from work , its 10:25 pm and he hadnt called me the whole day... but in my aim i had a message from him taht just said my name, and well i go on and he Ims me just asking me "whats up with that of -I need a break" because last night i imed him saying i needed a break and then after no reply i just signed off... I told himthat i couldnt talk and that ill be back later, then i put my away message, after that he imed me and said "I dont appreciate that" and then put his away message saying "busy"..so then i just signed off...right after i signed off he called me and my parents gave me the phone and it was him, and he said "hey whats up with the -I need a break-"? and i told him "i dont want to talk about that right now, im eating, ill call u later"..then he sais "Im sorry for not calling you last nigth i fell asleep" and i just said "its ok dont worry about it",....anyways i dont know what to say about the break ..i dont wanna take a break:( i love him yet i dont want the lies and stuff like that i feel so stuck and so scared of what to do next, i feel like i need him so much and its so hard being far away from him...i dunno what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
strange love Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 Not that relationships really matter to me anymore..but you seem like u have a love hate relationship. On one hand hes a piece of crap. On the other he seems like he is very helpful to you. ie mr fix it.. maybe hes sick of just being your gigalo and handy man. oh well none of my bussiness right.. Sometimes men like him do what he does for a few reasons ego boost curiousity You could try doing exactly the same thing to him... thats right invite him over and have him find your emails to some other guy or what was my other diabolical idea.. oh ya act like it doesnt matter ie act indifferent or how about suggesting a threesome to him? Heres another tip ok hes 20 your 21.. These days people may not be ready to settle down until there late 40's or 50's I have even heard of one case where someones first marriage was in the late 70s / 80s alright lil missy have a rock n roll party and good luck Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 Starnette, you can handle traffic school on your own, you don't need him, especially given the price tag he makes you pay (cheating). If this were truly a harmless flirtation, he could have said so. If his SO says that his online flirtations and chats are causing pain, then yes, he needs to either stop them or tell her that he'd rather continue, and she should go her own way if she prefers. Link to post Share on other sites
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