Beginning OLD

[Noproblem]

Hey you are still young you know!

[lucy_in_disguise]

Im not sure why this thread got moved out of the dating section... I guess it's not specific enough.

 

It's only been 2 days and I'm already frustrated by okcupid. I think I have a good sense of what I am looking for, and I'm not finding it in any of the guys who are messaging me. I am happy to initiate but so fa, no one has replied back.

 

I guess that's why they say its a numbers game.

 

Luckily, I am fortunate to live in a large metropolitan area, so there is certainly no limit to the numbers. I shall be joining eharmony soon to throw the net far and wide.

 

Whoever said I need to lower my standards... I'm not sure that's the right solution for me. I think I have a good sense of what I need out of a relationship, and I'm not sure I'm willing to settle for anything less. My criteria is based on a decade of dating guys who were not quite right for me. I'd rather be single.

Edited February 10, 2014 by lucy_in_disguise

[nadinefleur]

Im not sure why this thread got moved out of the dating section... I guess it's not specific enough.

 

It's only been 2 days and I'm already frustrated by okcupid. I think I have a good sense of what I am looking for, and I'm not finding it in any of the guys who are messaging me. I am happy to initiate but so fa, no one has replied back.

 

I guess that's why they say its a numbers game.

 

Luckily, I am fortunate to live in a large metropolitan area, so there is certainly no limit to the numbers. I shall be joining eharmony soon to throw the net far and wide.

 

Whoever said I need to lower my standards... I'm not sure that's the right solution for me. I think I have a good sense of what I need out of a relationship, and I'm not sure I'm willing to settle for anything less. My criteria is based on a decade of dating guys who were not quite right for me. I'd rather be single.

 

I hear ya lucy!! I joined a dating site at the beginning of the month when things didn't go too well with a guy i met off tinder. I thought perhaps going on a paid site would attract guys who are looking for something more than just casual sex.

 

Since I've joined I've received 70 messages and 98 winks, and not one of these guys I find interesting or attracted to. People may say I should lower my standards or that I'm shallow, but I don't believe in settling for someone who I am not attracted to (hello? how am I supposed to have sex with someone I don't find attractive?!) or for someone I don't have same interests in/can have good conversation with?

 

I'd rather be single than be unhappy with just any old man who I don't really want! I know what I'm looking for, and I know this type of man exists!

[SYLLPalmer]

I may not be typical, but I honestly didn't even read the profile info or look at the pictures until I got replies. I just sent out bulk messages and then looked at whoever replied.

 

Who has time to read every single profile??

 

Working backwards? Excellent! Now I don't feel so bad for blowing off the droves of WTF are you thinking dudes especially because they aren't thinking. Thank for the insight!

[SYLLPalmer]

Why has that ship sailed? I think her criteria are reasonable. I happen to fit them, and I was on OKCupid for years. We likely never would have met, though--she would've filtered me out based on age. Women online only pick guys a year or two older, their age, or up to ten years younger. (In real life, in the past few years I've dated women her age or younger.)

 

Wrong. I am 42. I shoot for guys 42 to 50. I "think" 46 is sweet but I ignore that ego dictated preference on a case by case basis. I will consider as young as 37, but only if he is eccentric and exceptionally grounded and mature. Not all women.

[oldshirt]

 

1. Must have s!ht together. By which I mean, must have a career and be fiscally responsible.

 

2. Must care about fitness and health. No smokers/ alcoholics. Must work out.

 

3. Must be interesting. This has been tough in the past. I have tried and I just cannot be with someone who is boring. I need to be able to have good conversations with my boyfriend.

 

4. Must want marriage and kids

 

So essentially, I am looking for a non-boring hot nice guy with a great job. Very unique I know. Where do I find him?

 

 

 

 

 

Your criteria is not unrealistic or unreasonable.

 

 

You just have to match it. You have to be IN the league you want to date in.

 

 

If you want a hot, nonboring nice guy with a great job, you have to be a hot, nonboring, nice girl with a great job.

 

 

I used to be paramedic and we had an old saying in the fire service/EMS that went, "be the partner you would like to have." That applies to dating just as much as to emergency services.

[Scales]

I'm glad this thread has shown me just how much a mans accomplishments define him rather than who he is. Nobody even makes it past the filter. Who the hell cares if the guy is compassionate or trusting, you can figure that out after you are sure he has a good job and a hot body. Guys are guilty of the same thing though, girls don't have to be anything but hot and preferably stupid to have men running at them. So much truth in that.

 

What kind of guys do online dating? The career having, marriage minded, working out, with no vices type of guys in a large metropolitan area? ahahahahahaha:lmao: Try no. If you aren't meeting these guys in real life, its because you and every other woman is competing for them. If they are marriage minded, then they are already married by your age group.

 

Standards are a reflection of our egos and what we think we deserve in society. If we think we are better than most people than we deserve an above average partner. Relationships are about caring, trust, and intimacy. When you put restrictions on the type of people you can share that with, you are guaranteeing that you won't find anyone.

 

On a side note, I have only ever known two guys in my life who worked out and didn't drink or smoke. One of them was extremely poor, overly controlling, and lied about his situation to women all the time. The other guy was Muslim. Oh wait you said no middle eastern guys.

 

Hold on i'll brb, gonna go see if they are selling a red ferrari on beezid.com. oh they aren't. Well I'd rather just take the bus then if I can't drive a ferrari. hahahaha:laugh:

[SadNLonley]

OP - there is also a huge difference between free and paid sites. Men on paid sites are more serious about commitment. E-Harmony in particular is full of marriage minded men. I was on it for a month (it was $70 though :/) and there was not one man that looked for casul sex. Also overall quality of men was way better (educated, solid career, attractive).

 

 

I did this free thing with EHarmony, but they wouldn't let you see pics unless you paid. Im sorry, but I atleast need to have some attraction to a person to want to communicate. You think there are better guys on Eharmony due to the cost? Are there alot of the same guys you see on the free sites too?

[HappyLove]

I'm glad this thread has shown me just how much a mans accomplishments define him rather than who he is. Nobody even makes it past the filter. Who the hell cares if the guy is compassionate or trusting, you can figure that out after you are sure he has a good job and a hot body. Guys are guilty of the same thing though, girls don't have to be anything but hot and preferably stupid to have men running at them. So much truth in that.

 

What kind of guys do online dating? The career having, marriage minded, working out, with no vices type of guys in a large metropolitan area? ahahahahahaha:lmao: Try no. If you aren't meeting these guys in real life, its because you and every other woman is competing for them. If they are marriage minded, then they are already married by your age group.

 

Standards are a reflection of our egos and what we think we deserve in society. If we think we are better than most people than we deserve an above average partner. Relationships are about caring, trust, and intimacy. When you put restrictions on the type of people you can share that with, you are guaranteeing that you won't find anyone.

 

On a side note, I have only ever known two guys in my life who worked out and didn't drink or smoke. One of them was extremely poor, overly controlling, and lied about his situation to women all the time. The other guy was Muslim. Oh wait you said no middle eastern guys.

 

Hold on i'll brb, gonna go see if they are selling a red ferrari on beezid.com. oh they aren't. Well I'd rather just take the bus then if I can't drive a ferrari. hahahaha:laugh:

 

 

TRUTH!!! This is exactly why I've stopped online dating it's become a joke. People have ridiculous expectations. Exactly right, think about it, if this guy was so fantastic he WOULD NOT be online dating. He would be married already, or dating a man, or already married to a man. Many people online are looking for a unicorn that poos skittles.

[preraph]

I disagree about lowering your standards. When you're looking for someone to father your children, you must have standards. I realize lots of idiots have them with just anyone, but they're selfish idiots who aren't thinking about the welfare of the children. You are only 28. The world is your oyster. Don't lower your standards, but stop being in such a hurry. These days you've got until 40 to have kids if not beyond. Kids are no reason to rush into a relationship. You could always adopt if the right man doesn't materialize. Men who make good fathers, are financially stable, reliable, and would be helpful to you as a partner are rare, no doubt about that. It may or may not happen. Have a contingency plan.

 

Desperation shows, so relax and stop being in a hurry. Go do fun things you enjoy because that's how you meet people you have something in common with. Make a point to go do things. Don't wait for someone else to do them with. Just go. Or maybe concentrate on your own career so you could support kids you adopt by yourself if it's that important to you.

[kart180]

I did this free thing with EHarmony, but they wouldn't let you see pics unless you paid. Im sorry, but I atleast need to have some attraction to a person to want to communicate. You think there are better guys on Eharmony due to the cost? Are there alot of the same guys you see on the free sites too?

 

ThAt is why I used okcupid and POF but as of now, I am now not doing any dating completely. May go back to college for a PHD

[lucy_in_disguise]

I'm glad this thread has shown me just how much a mans accomplishments define him rather than who he is. Nobody even makes it past the filter. Who the hell cares if the guy is compassionate or trusting, you can figure that out after you are sure he has a good job and a hot body. Guys are guilty of the same thing though, girls don't have to be anything but hot and preferably stupid to have men running at them. So much truth in that.

 

What kind of guys do online dating? The career having, marriage minded, working out, with no vices type of guys in a large metropolitan area? ahahahahahaha:lmao: Try no. If you aren't meeting these guys in real life, its because you and every other woman is competing for them. If they are marriage minded, then they are already married by your age group.

 

Standards are a reflection of our egos and what we think we deserve in society. If we think we are better than most people than we deserve an above average partner. Relationships are about caring, trust, and intimacy. When you put restrictions on the type of people you can share that with, you are guaranteeing that you won't find anyone.

 

On a side note, I have only ever known two guys in my life who worked out and didn't drink or smoke. One of them was extremely poor, overly controlling, and lied about his situation to women all the time. The other guy was Muslim. Oh wait you said no middle eastern guys.

 

Hold on i'll brb, gonna go see if they are selling a red ferrari on beezid.com. oh they aren't. Well I'd rather just take the bus then if I can't drive a ferrari. hahahaha:laugh:

 

Actually I never said I had any ethnicity preferences. Nor do I care about height. Even religion and common interests are negotiable.

 

I don't think it's unrealistic to want someone who is healthy, successful, and relationship- minded. What kind of town do you live in where you only know 2 men who work out and don't smoke? Almost everyone I know meets that criteria.

 

As to whether I meet those standards, yes, I do. The reasons I am still single are: it has only been a few months, and I don't run into many new people in my routine. Along with using other avenues to increase my social circle, I wanted to get online to widen the net.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Update: it does appear the quality of guys is much higher on eharmony than okcupid, at least in my area. Not that there are not some hotties on okcupid, but the guys on eharmony present themselves as more relationship- minded vs. who knows what. (Dunno how to interpret all the "hi I'm John" or "wow ur beautiful" messages that I get.)

[PegNosePete]

Generally it is intuitive to think that the people on a paid site such as eHarm will be more interested in a relationship because they are paying to be on there, as opposed to a free site like OKC or POF. Therefore you would expect a higher response rate on those sites.

 

So why doesn't this work out in reality? Well because the majority of users on paid sites don't have paid subscriptions. They let you "create a profile and look around for free" for a reason, because they want to have as many search results as possible to sell more subscriptions. Chances are that the majority of people you are contacting can't even read your message or respond back, because they are not paid up.

 

As for what Scales wrote, it's complete and utter rubbish. There are plenty of normal, sane, good quality guys on both free and paid sites. True, the free ones have a lot of idiots looking for ONS so you'll need to sift through the dregs to find the good ones. But they are there, trust me - I am one

 

I would ignore the "hi there" or "hey sexy" messages. If they can't be bothered to put 5 minutes into writing a proper, interesting message then what will they be like in a relationship? Or if you really like them just reply "Hi John" and see what they respond - probably it will be "do you have any naked pics" or something. People who are genuinely interested in a relationship will put in a little effort to make a better message.

[Tayken]

OP - there is also a huge difference between free and paid sites. Men on paid sites are more serious about commitment. E-Harmony in particular is full of marriage minded men. I was on it for a month (it was $70 though :/) and there was not one man that looked for casul sex. Also overall quality of men was way better (educated, solid career, attractive).

 

Am guessing you are educated, solid career and "attractive" also then? So what made you leave eHarmony for OKC if the potentials were a lot better?

 

A good looking woman means jack to me...if she hasn't got at a minimum a 4yr degree (not associate degree), detailed profile, interests and hobbies that isn't about drinking she isn't worth my time and day really

 

I am not looking for a trophy / entitlement queen partner

 

People who are genuinely interested in a relationship will put in a little effort to make a better message.

 

You will think, but when you look at most women's profile, they either lack the education to write anything interesting about themselves, or they are just damn lazy. You've got to love the "just ask" line

Edited February 14, 2014 by Tayken

[Disillusioned]

Well, Lucy, if you really have your heart set on doing OLD, all I can say is break the rules a little by looking through profiles and messaging the ones that look good to you.

 

You'll get a lot of jerks, but at least you won't be part of the problem, like you would if you just sat around and waited for the guys to pick you instead.

 

The ones who will be intimidated by you approaching them are not worth your time.

[Socks At Play]

You should continue sending messages to guys, and you can experience the frustration that we feel with OLD in being constantly ignored.

 

I have to say though, nearly every woman who has written me a message and is within a reasonable travel distance, I've ended up going on a date with. On Match, I seem to average one or two a month of women initiating contact with a message, so it's pretty rare and stands out.

[Tayken]

Update: it does appear the quality of guys is much higher on eharmony than okcupid, at least in my area. Not that there are not some hotties on okcupid, but the guys on eharmony present themselves as more relationship- minded vs. who knows what. (Dunno how to interpret all the "hi I'm John" or "wow ur beautiful" messages that I get.)

 

Hopefully it's not computer generated, in an attempt to get you interested and keep taking your money

 

Works the other way too, there are women who never say anything past 1-2 lines....red flag that there is going to be communication problems

[kart180]

Never used match.com or eharmony. Just dont want to waste my money if there are no matches. I would go down the personal matchmaker route at last resort. Did use Ok cupid once but not luck

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

I refused to do the pay sites when I was OLD and stuck to POF and OKC. Generally, I found a better quality of men on OKC, as opposed to POF. Someone said earlier that you should be what you're looking for, and they were right. Quality men who are looking for a serious relationship want a quality woman.

 

I went on dates with more than a few nice guys - cardiologist, Tulane Professor, Writer, Engineer, Business Owners, etc. They were just not a match for me. I'm not gonna lie and say I didn't come across some less than desirables, but that's how it goes in online dating.

 

In the end, I met THE most incredible man on POF. Almost by accident. He had nothing on his profile to reveal what was hidden underneath except decent pics and a hint of humbleness. His first message to me was, "Hello, how are you?" It was good enough for me. He is honestly more than what I was even hoping to find.

 

You have to keep an open mind in OLD and not let a bunch of criteria hinder the process. Some things are a given, but you never know what is hidden behind that profile. If I had discounted him on his simple "Hello, how are you?", I would've missed the most incredible relationship of my life. Keep an open mind, try to stay positive, and when it gets to be tedious or discouraging, take a break from it. Good luck!

[lucy_in_disguise]

Well, here's an update.

 

I decided ok Cupid isn't for me. The cold-messaging thing seems to result in a ton of generic one-liners in my inbox that frankly almost offend me. It is too much trouble to go through all the profiles to weed out guys I may be interested in, from those Im not.

 

I like eharmonys website much better. I actually like the pre-messaging getting to know you prompts. They require minimal thought yet people's answers IMO can be telling.

 

There is one guy I am interested in that asked me out. He meets all my criteria, and then some. Avid runner. Shares my top interests in economics and real estate. Similarly technical career in finance. Ivy League grad. My age, my favorite height, very cute.

 

I am trying not to get too excited. After all this old be my first date from OLD, so the likelihood that he is as perfect for me as he sounds, is minimal. Stil... I am pretty excited.

[Keenly]

Well, here's an update.

 

I decided ok Cupid isn't for me. The cold-messaging thing seems to result in a ton of generic one-liners in my inbox that frankly almost offend me. It is too much trouble to go through all the profiles to weed out guys I may be interested in, from those Im not.

 

I like eharmonys website much better. I actually like the pre-messaging getting to know you prompts. They require minimal thought yet people's answers IMO can be telling.

 

There is one guy I am interested in that asked me out. He meets all my criteria, and then some. Avid runner. Shares my top interests in economics and real estate. Similarly technical career in finance. Ivy League grad. My age, my favorite height, very cute.

 

I am trying not to get too excited. After all this old be my first date from OLD, so the likelihood that he is as perfect for me as he sounds, is minimal. Stil... I am pretty excited.

 

I swear I don't mean to sound rude saying this, but it doesn't sound like you are really serious at all trying to find some one.

 

I got this impression because its too much for you to go through the messages, and its too much work for you to find and filter men's profiles. It seems that you don't want to do any work whatsoever, which leads me to beleove you are not really serious about finding some one on OLD.

 

This is coming from a man who has busted his ass on OLD and gotten almost zero effort from women in regards to conversation or looking at profiles.

 

 

Let me ask, what IS the level of effort you are willing to put in to find a good catch ?

[lucy_in_disguise]

I swear I don't mean to sound rude saying this, but it doesn't sound like you are really serious at all trying to find some one.

 

I got this impression because its too much for you to go through the messages, and its too much work for you to find and filter men's profiles. It seems that you don't want to do any work whatsoever, which leads me to beleove you are not really serious about finding some one on OLD.

 

This is coming from a man who has busted his ass on OLD and gotten almost zero effort from women in regards to conversation or looking at profiles.

 

 

Let me ask, what IS the level of effort you are willing to put in to find a good catch ?

 

 

I am willing to put in effort. I just prefer to maximize my returns. Why go through the trouble of weeding through all the losers/ creeps on okcupid, when I can get dates with compatible guys from eharmony with a fraction of effort spent?

 

To quantify how much effort I am willing to put in, I'd say 2 hours per week to start.

 

I want a relationship but I am not desperate and OLD is just one avenue to meet people.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

I'm not sure how eHarmony works, but I used all the questions on OKC to do the same thing. Comparing our answers and seeing what their opinion was on certain topics. I used it to weed out a few that I knew for sure were not a match.