songbyrd Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Hey everyone. Long story short, my ex left me in December because I basically pushed him away. We had a great relationship but I needed to make some serious attitude adjustments. Right after leaving, he jumped into a rebound. I went NC immediately and for 30 days he kept trying to contact me. He used every excuse in the book to get me to talk to him but I wouldn't reply. Finally after NC was up, I started replying to his messages. The first time we spoke, I had a wall up so I was pretty cold. But this past week I let my guard down and we actually started flirting. Once the flirting started and I called him 'babe', he seemed to turn to mush and began asking me why I was so mean before and why I'm being so nice now. I basically told him I changed but I didn't let him suspect that I wanted him back. I so badly want him back but I am playing it cool to see if he will leave the rebound and give us another shot. He doesn't ever mention her to me. As a matter of fact, he makes it seem as if she's just someone he's seeing, nothing serious...but I know from others that he is in a relationship with her. He has really rushed things with her too but the girl just doesn't seem to be any good. She lives with her baby daddy for goodness sakes!! Anyway, not really sure what's going to happen but I'd like your input on what you see here. Especially from those who have had similar experiences as a dumper...what do you think my ex is feeling/thinking? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 There is no "after NC". It does not have a finite time period. NC is forever. Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 There is no "after NC". It does not have a finite time period. NC is forever. Not necessarily. It's until you've reached complete indifference and no longer want a romantic relationship with them. once you reach that point, there is no harm in having random contact or even a friendship if you want. But you must be COMPLETELY moved on by that point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Not necessarily. It's until you've reached complete indifference and no longer want a romantic relationship with them. once you reach that point, there is no harm in having random contact or even a friendship if you want. But you must be COMPLETELY moved on by that point. Yeah, but I don't know why it's necessary, just meet new people. Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Yeah, but I don't know why it's necessary, just meet new people. Well, true. I still have no desire to ever be friends with someone who rejected me. As I read somewhere else, I didn't start a loving relationship with someone to end up being their friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author songbyrd Posted February 9, 2014 Author Share Posted February 9, 2014 Sorry, I was under the impression that this was the "second chances" forum. I'm actually seeking to reconcile so yes there is an "after NC" for me. For those out there who understand where I'm coming from, let me know what you think about my original post. Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AlexfromBoston Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Hey everyone. Long story short, my ex left me in December because I basically pushed him away. We had a great relationship but I needed to make some serious attitude adjustments. Right after leaving, he jumped into a rebound. I went NC immediately and for 30 days he kept trying to contact me. He used every excuse in the book to get me to talk to him but I wouldn't reply. Finally after NC was up, I started replying to his messages. The first time we spoke, I had a wall up so I was pretty cold. But this past week I let my guard down and we actually started flirting. Once the flirting started and I called him 'babe', he seemed to turn to mush and began asking me why I was so mean before and why I'm being so nice now. I basically told him I changed but I didn't let him suspect that I wanted him back. I so badly want him back but I am playing it cool to see if he will leave the rebound and give us another shot. He doesn't ever mention her to me. As a matter of fact, he makes it seem as if she's just someone he's seeing, nothing serious...but I know from others that he is in a relationship with her. He has really rushed things with her too but the girl just doesn't seem to be any good. She lives with her baby daddy for goodness sakes!! Anyway, not really sure what's going to happen but I'd like your input on what you see here. Especially from those who have had similar experiences as a dumper...what do you think my ex is feeling/thinking? Thanks! Well Song, as a man who has been in his shoes, the best thing you can do is ignore him until he comes crawling back. When my previous ex ignored me it would drive me absolutely nuts. When she would contact me with a cold response, it would make me even crazier. Eventually I just showed up at her house and asked if she would join me for a few drinks. We took it slow and eventually we got back together for a brief period. Had she maintained contact with me and flirted, I wouldn't have become so frantic and desperate to get her back. Basically, this guy has to feel the loss. Just stick to NC for a period and if you are comfortable in doing so, let him know you moved on and are no longer interested. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author songbyrd Posted February 10, 2014 Author Share Posted February 10, 2014 Thanks for your input. It's great hearing from the other side. I was thinking of going back to NC too but it's drives him so crazy, what if he gets pissed again or gives up? When u were in his position, did u also have a rebound? And if so, how did u feel about her? I hear from others how hard he's trying to move fast with her. Link to post Share on other sites
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Tell him how you feel. Ask to go out for coffee or something and let him know you made a mistake. It really shouldn't be that hard. Who cares about the rebound? It's just a rebound anyways. Tell him now before he gets to involved in this other girl!!! Good luck girlie!! Report back to us on how it goes! Link to post Share on other sites
Author songbyrd Posted February 10, 2014 Author Share Posted February 10, 2014 Girl, I wish it was that simple. I made my apologies and he made his. I also tried to get back with him once after the break up but he wasn't having it. At that point he was still very angry with me and threw it in my face that he was "happy" pursuing someone else and how she motivates him and stuff(2 weeks after we split up)...yeah right. That's when I went NC and it drove him insane. But now that we've had contact again, he's giving me mixed signals. He's the one who has to make the move at this point. But I feel he will and I'm going NC until he does. Keep ya posted! Link to post Share on other sites
AlexfromBoston Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Thanks for your input. It's great hearing from the other side. I was thinking of going back to NC too but it's drives him so crazy, what if he gets pissed again or gives up? When u were in his position, did u also have a rebound? And if so, how did u feel about her? I hear from others how hard he's trying to move fast with her. Song, look at it this way, if he gives up on you then it wasn't true love. I am sorry to say, but maybe he just wasn't that in to you. However, if you two shared some great memories, great sex etc...he won't forget about you. Sure, maybe he is in a rebound relationship, but at some point its just going to click and hey will think, "wow, this girl just doesn't compare to my ex". Thats what happened to me...and it happened as soon as she cut me off completely. I went nuts and ut really made I didn't have a rebound per se, but I was having a great time and meeting a lot of women at the time(no sex). Song, don't worry about a rebound, that can actually work in your favor as I am 99.9% sure she won't stack up to you. Now let me ask you something, have you gained a lot of weight? Do you still resemble the women he first fell in love with? If not, then you really need to work on yourself before you make an attempt at reconciliation. Now, I'm going to catch flak for this, but guys base a huge portion of their attraction to their partners physical attributes....whereas women tend to focus more on personality and stability. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 songbyrd, you're looking at this all wrong. Firstly, you shouldn't be using NC as a tool to get your ex back, nor should you be listening to anyone who advocates as such. Secondly, you are merely putting your grief at the ending of the relationship on hold by thinking that NC has a finite period before it is lifted and you can pursue your ex again. Thirdly, he dumped you - who cares how he feels about how you choose to act after the break up? None of these things are going to put you in a good position to get him backl. You're basically deferring your life and hoping he'll quit living his and come back to you. I can assure you, 100%, that men don't like women like that. They like, strong, confident women who don't take bullsh** from anyone. Instead of not facing the fact that he broke up with you, you should tap into your self-esteem and realise that a man who rejects you, is not worthy of your time or effort. Instead of hoping that he'll somehow 'see the light', focus on you. Date other people. Reinvest in your friendships. Do something you've always wanted to do. But don't sit around waiting for someone who is exercising poor judgement, because it's causing you to have poor judgement as well. This whole "NC until he comes crawling back" is just stupid, manipulative power-plays that will leave you more broken than you are now. Trust me, I'm right. No question. If you don't believe me, try it your way and see what happens. I'll be here when it goes belly-up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author songbyrd Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 Well he texted me twice today but I didn't respond. To answer ur questions, no I haven't gained weight and truthfully, his rebound is absolutely hideous. His own friends have commented on it. He has also confided to his friend that the rebound is a bore sexually and that him and I had great sex and a lot of chemistry in many areas. His only issue with me was my bad attitude and negative thinking which I've been working on. He's noticed the change in me and commented that it sucks I changed now and not before. Ultimately, that is why he left. Anyhow, I guess I just needed to vent. It's funny how one little thread can cause someone to think they know you. Since the break up, I've improved my life in every way. Not sitting around waiting on my ex to come back lol. I go out with friends all the time, got a new wardrobe, rearranged my furniture, dated, and took care of all the things I'd procrastinated on before. My confidence level is actually higher then when I was with my ex. Still, Im human and deal with emotions. Forgive me. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Thanks for your input. It's great hearing from the other side. I was thinking of going back to NC too but it's drives him so crazy, what if he gets pissed again or gives up? When u were in his position, did u also have a rebound? And if so, how did u feel about her? I hear from others how hard he's trying to move fast with her. You told me all I needed to know here. You think that by going NC and moving forward, you'll jeapardise your chances with him. It really doesn't matter. He rejected you - he shouldn't be given the time of day. Link to post Share on other sites
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