My slightly unhappy situation

[slightlyunhappy]

I just stumbled onto this board a few days ago and decided to take the plunge and recount my story for some advice.

 

My apologies for the long post. I tried to keep it orgnizationally as clean as possible.

 

My ex-girlfriend and I dated for about 3 and a half months. She broke up with me last Wednesday. When she told me, I took it pretty well. I didn't cry or get angry as most people are prone to do in this situation. She said that she just didn't feel the same way about me anymore, and I said if that's the way she feels, then that's the way she feels. I didn't freak out because I knew that all her previous boyfriends had freaked out when she broke up with them saying that they thought they were going to be together forever, etc. Also, I just wasn't all that freaked out. I was just a bit unhappy. (ergo, my moniker) She said she wanted to still be friends afterwards.

 

Now, I'm not sure if any of this matters, but we had just returned to school that week and the first week of school was incredibly stressful in that we were trying to get reacquainted with having a huge workload. Also, the day that she told me was the day she got her period, so I'm not sure if that factored into the decision. (my apologies to any females on this board who are offended by this comment, but I just wanted to lay all the facts out)

 

Here's some other miscellaneous information from the relationship. I was a virgin before this relationship, although I had told her I was not. I lied to her for three months because I was embarassed that I was still a virgin, but before school let out and we both returned to our hometowns, I wanted her to know. I told her and at the time, she was alright about it, but apparently, over break she told me that she was upset with me for telling her this information. Also, I used to get a little jealous when she would spend a lot of time with a guy friend of hers, even though I knew they were only studying together because this is a guy friend of mine too. But it was never anything where I would yell at her for spending time with him, I would only just be a little unhappy because she wasn't spending more time with me.

 

Alright, now on to the happenings since Wednesday:

 

[quick recap]

 

[Wednesday Night]

She gets drunk. Tells roommate (who happens to be the girlfriend of one of my good friends) that she felt betrayed because I didn't tell her I was a virgin. Also, she tells roommate that she was thinking about canceling a dinner that we had planned for Thursday because she was afraid that I would feel awkward about being there with all our friends.

 

[Thursday Night: dinner & clubbing]

I had some of the ingredients for her dinner, so I popped over to her room (we live on the same floor) and returned the ingredients to her whilst informing her that I was going to be going to dinner with my friend (her roommate's boyfriend) who we shall call Leo.

 

Leo and I went to dinner and then we hit up the club that we had all planned on going to before my breakup. My ex shows up with two of her friends, lets call them Jane and Jesse, and we see them get in line for the club a few people behind us. I yell over, "Are you guys stalking us?" in a playful tone, and that's pretty much all the talking I did with my ex that night.

 

Inside the club, I decided that only one of us (me or my ex) was going to have fun that night, so it might as well be me. I ended up dancing with one of her friends (who happens to be one of my friends as well) for an hour or so -- in fact she was one of the friends my ex came with, Jane. At one point, my ex and Jesse get on the dance floor and I can see them dancing next to me, but I don't really pay them any attention and continue dancing with Jane. My ex ends up leaving the party at around 10pm, with Jesse and the aforementioned friend of my that she studies with all the time -- who also showed up at the party. I ended up staying and dancing with most of the hottest girls in class, which made me feel pretty good and waltzed home at approximately midnight. I went up a few floors to talk to some of my friends, and she was there. I didn't say much, just a quick "Hi" and then chatted it up with my friends for a bit before leaving to return to my room.

 

My ex got drunk that night too.

 

[Friday]

That morning, my ex IMs me and initiates small talk. I go along and she finally says "I'm sorry you couldn't come to dinner last night, but I understand." I gave a very quizzical reply of "huh?" and she comes back with "I thought you were still going to come to dinner as we had planned before [the breakup]. Why didn't you come?" I reply that my friend Leo told me she thought I might feel uncomfortable there and as I didn't feel like trying to convince her that I would actually not feel awkward at the dinner so I decided to go to dinner with Leo and his friends. I asked her if she was offended that I had not come to the dinner and she replied that she was not, but that she missed hanging out with me. I told her we could hang out the next day at our friend Jane's party. (same Jane from the club) Then I end the conversation by saying that I had some stuff to work on.

 

[saturday: afternoon talk & party]

I backslid a little bit this day. I saw her in the hall during the afternoon. Then I went to her room and talked to her a little bit about the breakup and also formally apologized for lying to her for three months, as I know that was a big deal for her. We talked for a little over an hour and then I left.

 

Later that night at the party, I popped in every now and then while the girls were preparing food for the party, but didn't talk much to my ex. If she spoke to me I was usually very succinct in my reply, a big change from how I was during the afternoon talk. Then the party started and once again, I pretty much ignored her unless she initiated a conversation with me. I stayed very brief with my responses and spent most of the night talking to two pretty hot blonde girls. I left the party at 3am while the ex was still talking to others.

 

My ex got drunk again. Also, this was the first night I got drunk, but I was not emotional or anything like that.

 

[sunday]

She IMs me in the afternoon and I don't feel like responding, so I go to my friend's room and leave my computer so that the message will go to idle and she'll think she just missed me. So I'm in my friend Jackie's room and my ex IMs her asking her "Are you talking to slightlyunhappy or is he idle and it just hasn't shown up yet?" Then later she IMs my friend Jackie and says "Oh, nevermind, he's idle."

 

Later on in the afternoon, she IMs me again. I can't very well leave again, as that would be perceived as rude and it would be as if I was avoiding talking to her. So we engage in small talk once again. She asks if I had fun at the party, and I reply that I did. I make a point not to ask her if she had fun at the party as well. Then she asks "How are you? I wanted to talk to you more at the party, but never got the chance." I reply that I'm good and ask how she's been. She replies that she was sleepy because she was still hanging with friends until 5am. I say that I left the party earlier than that and excuse myself by saying I had some homework to do. (which in fact was true)

 

[end of the recap]

 

-------------------------

 

So what's the deal, people?

 

I'm not sure if there's any chance of reconciliation. Reconciliation would be nice because it would keep me from having to find another girlfriend, but I'm not entirely sure that I would take it. I have avoided thinking about reconciliation since I don't want to get my hopes up and then have them crushed.

 

I've also been trying to initiate No Contact as you can tell, but it's very hard to give her space and time to miss me when we live on the same hall and she IMs me every day. Not sure if she'll continue to IM me every day, but it's possible. What do I do about that? Pointedly ignore her IMs?

 

Thanks in advance for any advice you guys can shell out.

[FolderWife]

well...you've moved on so easily, that she doesn't think that you want her back. So she's trying to be friendly to you, so you'll want her back. It seems obvious to me that she wants you back. But I swear, as soon as you give her what she wants and become attracted to her again, she'll ditch you again.

 

Also, you're not even SURE you want her back..you just don't want to find another girlfriend.

 

My advice would be to continue what you're doing, since you don't really care one way or the other, and like I said, as soon as you persue her again, she'll stop wanting you

 

WOMEN! I'm one, and I don't get us

[slightlyunhappy]

Oh, another interesting thing is that previously, last semester, I had wanted to see her a lot and it made her feel smothered. Now, this isn't the only reason, but because of the fact that this was the first girl I had sex with, I wanted sex all the time. (Again, yes, I enjoyed spending time with her, we had fun non-sex times -- in case someone here decides to think that for me it was all about the sex)

 

And the few days we were back in school before we were broken up, I gave her space and saw her a bit less because I was busy as well.

 

When she broke up with me, she said that she felt that it was wrong for her to enjoy her time away from me so much. At one point she said "You know, when we're not together, I actually like that. And I don't think that's normal for a romantic relationship, to not want to be together with the other party."

 

Part of me thinks that because she wanted space so badly last semester, the moment I gave her space this semester, she ended up liking it a LOT and this affected her perception in saying that she liked not having to spend time with me.

 

This is incredibly ironic in hindsight given that since I've now stopped talking to her, or at least initiating conversation with her, she's constantly all about trying to spend time with me.

 

-------

 

Oh, and I need advice on something else. I have a birthday coming up. I think she has to be invited because she's a part of my group of friends and it would seem incredibly odd if I don't invite her but I invite everyone else. (Also, she got my gift already and damnit if we're going to be broken up, I think I should still get my bday gift)

 

How should I handle this? Bring a date? Don't bring a date? Continue the whole "only talk to her when she talks to me first" thing and keep it brief?

 

Will she eventually get pissed of that I'm so unresponsive and then just stop trying to initiate contact with me? (That was a nagging thought in the back of my mind about the NC principle)

[slightlyunhappy]

Originally posted by Monday

well...you've moved on so easily, that she doesn't think that you want her back. So she's trying to be friendly to you, so you'll want her back. It seems obvious to me that she wants you back. But I swear, as soon as you give her what she wants and become attracted to her again, she'll ditch you again.

 

Also, you're not even SURE you want her back..you just don't want to find another girlfriend.

 

My advice would be to continue what you're doing, since you don't really care one way or the other, and like I said, as soon as you persue her again, she'll stop wanting you

 

WOMEN! I'm one, and I don't get us

 

I'm not really sure that I've moved on per se. I think I'm just very good at acting like I've moved on. I mean I miss her, and it's not entirely just about the hassle of getting a new girlfriend. I did date her for three months and there are feelings, but I'm just afraid that acknowledging those feelings would be very disasterous.

 

In any case, should I then just keep up the charade until she pursues me?

 

Also, when doing NC, if I do see her occasionally when I'm talking with my friends, should I continue to be brief and cordial or should I try something else? One of my friends has given me the advice to pretend like I'm on an interview (for the position of boyfriend) and show her the things that she used to like me for (and none of the bad things that she didnt' like).

 

I'm thinking maybe do NC + the interview thing, but always cut it short.

[GirlDown]

i don't think you've moved on at all or none of this would even matter to you.

 

you make it a point to ignore her, dance with her friends, and flirt with "two pretty blonde girls" in front of her. this is normal behaviour of course, for someone who is over a person who broke up with them. but they way you go on about it suggests that you are not over it.

 

if you really are over her, it shouldn't matter to you that all of a sudden giving her more space makes her want more time with you. you wouldn't care.

 

so what are you really trying to get at here?

[slightlyunhappy]

Originally posted by GirlDown

i don't think you've moved on at all or none of this would even matter to you.

 

you make it a point to ignore her, dance with her friends, and flirt with "two pretty blonde girls" in front of her. this is normal behaviour of course, for someone who is over a person who broke up with them. but they way you go on about it suggests that you are not over it.

 

if you really are over her, it shouldn't matter to you that all of a sudden giving her more space makes her want more time with you. you wouldn't care.

 

so what are you really trying to get at here?

 

Right, I said that I don't think I've moved on... I'm just really good at not showing any emotion....

 

I'm trying to get at the fact that I like her, I enjoyed spending time with her and I would really like to be together with her again if possible. But admitting that to myself would make all of this hurt a lot more than it's hurting right now. So I don't admit those things.

 

Anyhow, she didn't IM me yesterday or today yet. I think she may have gotten the point. But now it's going to be a lot harder for me because I don't get that reassurance that she misses me. Gah!

 

I did see her twice yesterday though and I was both brief and cordial with her.

[slightlyunhappy]

[update]

 

Today in the hall, I saw the ex and her friend Jane. I stopped and chatted it up with them for a while, which I think was pretty natural. (and hopefully it came off natural as well)

 

Then later tonight, she was online for a while, but finally broke and started to talk to me on IM again.

 

Anyhow, I ended the conversation on a high note and said that I had to leave.

 

-----

 

Now, my question is, what do I do?

 

One piece of advice a friend gave me is that if I really wanted to get back with her, I need to stop NC and start talking to her a bit. Maybe initiate contact once or twice. The first time I initiate contact, talk about anything except the relationship. Try to make her remember all the things that made her want to hook up with me in the first place. Then after a while, talk again, and see if she's vibin' me enough to tell her that we should get back together.

 

Opinions?