Wife is Obsessed with Another Man

[sadman37]

Okay, so my wife and I are slowly patching things up. We are currently separated.

 

We are communicating way more than we ever have, in 13 years of being together. Oddly enough, we are actually closer now than most couples who live together. We just aren't living together and are not having sex.

 

The HUGE problem is that my wife is trying to get over this other guy she has been obsessing about, for the past 5 months or so. He is just a guy who worked somewhere that she shopped, and he paid attention to her. He is 14 years younger than her. She is 39. I am 39. Anyway, she admits she wanted to stop going to that store, so she wouldn't "stray." She went to the store 5 more times after she first met him because she said there is "something about him that drives me crazy." She found out he is married and that he is committed to his wife enough that he would not do anything with her. This crushed her.

 

She now says that she wants something she cannot have and that it is "retarded," and that even if she could have it she would not be happy. She says her mind is clear about it, but her "stupid heart" cannot let go of this guy.

 

She tells me that she cannot let go of me, either. She said if I told her I am done with this marriage that it would kill her. She says she wishes she didn't love me because loving me hurts too much. It's crazy.

 

No, she is not pushing for divorce, nor has she seriously mentioned it, during our separation (only when she was really pissed at me, then she cooled off and told me that she does not want a divorce).

 

Yes, she is a total mess. So am I, pretty much.

 

100% FACT: No, she did not sleep with this guy. No, she never told this guy about her feelings. She has not seen this guy in like 3 months. He is just this fantasy that she has. It is driving both of us CRAZY.

 

She and I have talked openly about this, as we are both wanting this to CHANGE and GO AWAY.

 

She just cannot stop feeling that she loves this guy. She is trying and trying to "get over him," and she is frustrated and lost. She WANTS to forget about him and WANTS our marriage to work. She loves me, but it's not like BEING IN LOVE. We are both very very frustrated....we both cry over it. It sucks.

 

I have come very far, during our separation. I have made big changes and have shown her some consistency, these past three months. She comments on how much better I am doing. She tells me I am much more attractive now than I have been in a long while.

 

I listen to her, until I want to pass out. I am gentle with her. I am patient. I let her know she is beautiful. I let her know I love her to death and that I am here for her always. I do all sorts of things to make her feel like the special person she is.

 

The damn problem is that she still thinks about this guy way too much, enough to make her want to be separate from me and also stop her from having sex with me. She says this fixation on this guy blocks her from being able to have sex with me. She HATES it, and so do I. It sucks.

 

Yes, I drove her away from me, by some of my actions. I am bi-polar, among other things, and it drove her nuts and created distance between us.

 

But she still loves me and wants me in her life and also wants to eventually get back together, when we are both healthy again. We have a young son, as well.

 

Yes, I am having great success treating my disorder and my other problems now. I have been working my ass off at this. This is what has saved our relationship and gotten us to the point where we are now, which is pretty darn good. We sit close to each other and hold hands and are very close.

 

We talked openly about this "other guy" problem today, in depth, for the first time since our separation. It was actually very therapeutic for both of us. She said it helped her quite a bit to really get it all out from under the rug. I felt much better, too.

 

Over-talking this deal is not going to work. I know this.

 

Any tips on how I may be able to help her let go of this obsession with this other guy, other than what I am already doing?

 

Any help is appreciated!

Edited February 9, 2014 by sadman37

[aliveagain]

If you are already separated and if no children are involved walk away. It is not your duty to wait while she gets over him, she has a duty to you to be your wife. Falling in love with other men is very disrespectful, you deserve better. Seriously, walk away because you can't make someone love you. Stop being her fallback position because she will never choose until your ready to leave her.

[sadman37]

Correct, she tells me all the time that she does not expect me to wait for her. I am choosing to wait for her. If you knew the details as to why she felt drawn away from me, then many things would be clear.

 

She wants me to wait for her because she does love me still. However, she tells me she would understand if I do not wait for her, but she would be devastated if I walked away.

 

She did not WANT any of this to happen. She did not WANT to fall in love with this guy (or think she fell in love with him).

 

In addition, she tells me, "I am working on getting my head straight, so I can be your wife again, so our marriage will work."

 

We have a young son, as well.

 

We are way closer than we were at the beginning of our separation, and she is wanting to work on our marriage. There is nothing wrong with this.

 

I am asking for advice on how to help her get over this guy because she WANTS TO GET OVER HIM so our marriage can be restored. Isn't this worth fighting for? Yes, it is.

 

She tells me her heart, and she loves me, but she is a mess right now. I love her, with all my heart. She is honest. She is not the type of woman to play games with me. Believe me, if she wanted to divorce me, she would do it.

 

So, any suggestions as to What other things I can do besides what I am doing already, to help my wife stop obsessing about this guy?

 

 

 

 

If you are already separated and if no children are involved walk away. It is not your duty to wait while she gets over him, she has a duty to you to be your wife. Falling in love with other men is very disrespectful, you deserve better. Seriously, walk away because you can't make someone love you. Stop being her fallback position because she will never choose until your ready to leave her.

Edited February 9, 2014 by sadman37

[whichwayisup]

Has your wife gone to counseling on her own? You two should go together too, use the same person for both.

She found out he is married and that he is committed to his wife enough that he would not do anything with her.

 

How does she know this unless she outright asked him? Or she flirted with him, exposed something to him (how she felt, whether it was said in a joking flirty way 'if I wasn't married hmm..'kind of way. Just wondering how she says he has no idea how she feels, yet she knows he's married and totally committed to his wife not to cheat on her.

 

This also means (?) that IF he wasn't committed, he'd cheat on his on wife and be with your wife. Have you asked her about that?

 

Do the counseling, together and apart.

[sadman37]

Yes I asked her about this earlier today, in fact,

 

She said that during her last time around him, he finally mentioned that he is married, just casually.

 

She said that it was suddenly like he was a married player who wouldn't actually do anything. She said he became cold towards her suddenly, and she didn't understand why. This bothered her.

 

The thrill that a younger man may be pursuing her was gone (this is what I say).

 

My wife was then sad about the whole thing. She would not ever pursue another married man. In fact, she said she really did not want to pursue this guy. She wanted him to pursue HER. After she found out he was married, she felt sad because she would not want a married man to pursue her. However, she still felt obsessed with him.

 

She feels terrible about how she feels about him. She does not want to feel the way she feels. She does not know how to stop her feelings.

 

I asked her earlier.."What if he were single, and he wanted you? Would you two have ran off together or something?" She said, "I truly do not know for sure."

 

She has cried and cried, and I have cried with her. She feels guilty, wrong, hurt, confused, etc.

 

I do not know how to help her.

 

I just want to know how I can help her start to forget about this guy.

 

If I am forced to guess....I would say that only time will help.

Edited February 9, 2014 by sadman37

[sadman37]

And today she said, "Even if I got what I think I wanted, I wouldn't really be happy then either."

 

She said she is so sad that I am hurting. She never wanted this. It just happened.

 

The reason I am hanging in there is because I did terrible things that caused her to distance herself from me.

 

I am lucky she even talks to me still.

 

But none of this matters.

 

I am searching for anything I can do to help her forget this damn guy.

 

She is slowly opening up to the idea of getting a counselor, for herself.

Edited February 9, 2014 by sadman37

[sadman37]

I guess I am just being impatient.

 

She told me that "it will just take time."

 

I guess time is the only thing that will help.

 

I hate that.

[EverySunset]

I guess I am just being impatient.

 

She told me that "it will just take time."

 

I guess time is the only thing that will help.

 

I hate that.

 

That, and counseling.

 

Having a crush is normal. Married people can have infatuations, its a bit of an escape. What we do about them can define us.

 

If you wanna save your marriage get her to a therapist. Get yourself in a support group. What did you do to distance her, you've been pretty quiet about that. Neglect? Substance abuse? Did you take her for granted?

 

No matter what she does for herself, you start working on you. If she comes back, you'll have a better chance at this not happening again. She will see your dedication too.

 

If she doesn't, you'll be in a better place to deal with it.

 

If she can't handle a crush, if its enough to break up your marriage (even a theoretically less potentially threatening one sided, unrequited one) you need to be strong and be ready to move on.

 

I wish you luck. For you, and the person you're meant to be with.

[EverySunset]

whether that's her, or the next partner who can say to herself "wow, he's hot and when he notices me that's nice, but the man I have at home has dedicated himself to me. A life of love, loyalty, and fulfillment blow that out of the water every time"

 

Hoping that woman is your wife. If not, I send you serenity and patience to find the woman who is.

[2.50 a gallon]

Have you ever noticed how often when reading about relationships, the word chemistry is used?

 

 

Most people are ignorant of how much chemistry is a part of our lives, especially our love lives. The truth is that in a way, love is a chemical reaction, the result of our bodies producing the love chemicals, such as dopamine and oxytocin.

 

 

In your case, your relationship was failing, she met this other guy, and walla, they had chemistry. Something within her caused her body to being flooding her brain with dopamine and oxytocin geared toward him.

 

 

Other on this board will point fingers and say it is all her fault. This is not always so. Quite often, a person has no control over what triggers their bodies into producing these chemicals. And then once they are in the blood stream it is like they are hooked on drugs. Being with, seeing, or even thinking of this person, will once again make them feel good as the drugs once again fill their brains.

 

 

It will take some time, and a lot of no contact for these chemicals to wash out of her body.

 

 

For a better understanding of what she is going through Google "Love Chemicals"

[beach]

She's not over the fantasy of him - because she isn't looking at it realistically.

 

There's no way to compete with a fantasy. You can't do it.

 

This is work your wife needs to do - to face reality - to separate fantasy from reality. You can't do it for her.

 

 

Does she work? Is she living separately from you now?

 

I think a good dose of what IS real would shake her up a bit.

 

What exactly, is SHE doing to change her mindset? Counseling? Staying away from his shop? Has she had any contact with him at all since she stated she wouldn't?

[beach]

I guess I am just being impatient.

 

She told me that "it will just take time."

 

I guess time is the only thing that will help.

 

I hate that.

 

Time will NOT change a thing unless she deals with her over active imagination!

[beach]

Reading some of your history now - it should be your wife that makes effort and feels privileged to be a part of your life - not the other way around.

 

Is she still working? Looks like she may have started working again - and then complained that it was too hard.

 

Being her doormat won't help heal the M - you need to get tough and implement some solid boundaries that make her EARN your love back!

 

She's cheated!!! In fantasy love with another man = act like it! Stop making it easy for her to use you while stating she's in love with the man at the market!

[aliveagain]

Please don't believe all that bulls**t, the only way to deal with a cake eater is to close the bakery. You can not nice her back to you because she will just keep using you like a doormat. She is feeding you cake crumbs to keep you as her back up until she can convince O/M to be hers. The only way to bring her back to reality is to give her a shot of reality, file. You can stop it anytime she decides to pull her head out of her princess a$$. You can stop the process any time up to the final decree. Read up on the 180 and implement it. If she doesn't love you and thinks of you as second choice isn't it better to know now instead of wasting years of time and heartache? Get it over so you can heal because YOU ARE THE PRIZE, it's not her choice anymore, she has already shown you she makes sh*ty choices so why bet the rest of your life on her choices?

[Trep]

Sorry if I misunderstood this but I just wanted to clarify one thing. So she has only met this guy 6 times in total and it was just bumping into him in the store he worked, yet she's in love with him?

 

Sounds odd to me.

[EverySunset]

Sorry if I misunderstood this but I just wanted to clarify one thing. So she has only met this guy 6 times in total and it was just bumping into him in the store he worked, yet she's in love with him?

 

Sounds odd to me.

 

I agree. Doesn't add up quite right. "Best" case, she's obsessed and mentally unstable. Worst.... Well, I don't think the OP is in a place where I think he'd even believe it.

 

I wanted to believe my STBXH too. Then months of trickle truth.

[sadman37]

Wow lots of replies.

 

Thank you all.

 

My wife is not pursuing this man. She is simply obsessed with the idea of him.

 

She stopped going to the place he works several months ago. She is trying to get over this obsession with him. The guy is probably not even there anymore. She told me he said he is leaving to pursue other goals in another state.

 

She wants to get over him, so we can have a healthy marriage. Yeah, she is mentally unstable.....because I drove her crazy, with my alcoholism and my untreated bi-polar disorder.

 

Again, she told me she does not expect me to wait for her or to not sleep with other woman. However, she told me if I left or if I slept with another woman, it would hurt her.

 

She is just being honest with me, and it is painful for both of us.

 

She is slowly opening up to the idea of getting herself a counselor or therapist. I can't push this on her because it will only drive her away from the idea. I have to soft and gentle about it.

 

Yes, I am bi-polar and a recovering alcoholic (5 years and 7 months sober).

 

I have caused my wife a lot of pain and suffering.

 

She told me that her connection with me was dead, and this other guy awakened her again, and she became addicted to this feeling.

 

I can understand this, painful as it is. She did not sleep with him.

Edited February 10, 2014 by sadman37

[whichwayisup]

She told me that her connection with me was dead, and this other guy awakened her again, and she became addicted to this feeling.

 

Ouch.

 

The thing is, what she doesn't realize is, she does love you, she's just not feeling her heart beat in her chest, that crushy feeling. She felt an instant connection to that guy and ran with it. Created her own fantasy and put him up on a pedestal.

 

She has to do counseling to undo this, otherwise you cannot compete with a made up fantasy man in her head.

 

She is lucky to have you, I hope she realizes this.

[sadman37]

Yes. Ouch. It hurt like Hell when she told me this stuff. She knew it would hurt me, but she said she had to be honest with me.

 

The amazing thing about my wife is that, despite the terrible pain I have caused her, over many years, she STILL tells me she is lucky that I am in her life still. It's incredible that she can feel this way, after the things I have done.

 

Yes it does seem odd that she could be in love with this guy after only short visits at the store where he works....you must realize that she was very naive when we married. She was a very good girl. I mean VERY good, if you know what I mean. I am the only man she has been with. She trusted me with her heart, and I stomped on it. I am working on forgiving myself. It is terribly difficult to do so, for me.

 

It feels weird every time I see her...knowing that she has this fixation with this damn guy. But I love her too much to let that stop me from trying to make our marriage work. I want to grow old with her.

 

She told me she had to be honest with me, so I knew why she was separating from me. She couldn't just leave me and make me wonder what was going on.

 

She told me she felt trapped with me and that this made her feel like "getting away and doing something crazy." She said by separating from me, this would make her feel free. Now that she feels free, she is not prone to "doing something crazy" anymore (cheating, running off with some guy, etc.). Plus she has our son to think about. She is an awesome mother to him and would not let some guy in on his life. It would take her forever to trust another man.

 

Believe me any woman that wants to run off with some guy would just do it and call the marriage off completely. She hasn't done this.

 

And you are right whichwayisup....she has told me exactly what you said. She loves me dearly.....she's just hurting right now and can't figure out how to let go of her strong feelings for this guy. I know it will eventually fade. The only question is whether or not I can be patient enough. I know I can be. She has been patient with me, for 12 years!!

 

I keep suggesting, when the opportunity arises, that she gets counseling.

 

She cut off seeing the guy like two months ago or so. She wanted to cut it off, so she can get her head straight. She straight up told me, "I have decided that I am not going to go where he works anymore. It isn't healthy." She has not seen him anymore, since she told me this.

 

OK OK....she left a damn journal entry page on her counter top at her place...it was underneath some papers there. I slipped it out and took a picture of it with my phone. I read the damn thing later. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. But it is certainly clear that she has not seen the guy. She misses him and dreams about him. Ugh. She tells me she writes stuff to help her and then throws it away. Guess she forgot to throw that page away. Yeah I know I know...BAD. But I saw the edge of it sticking out and recognized her writing and KNEW it was a journal entry. I wish I hadn't read the damn thing, but oh well.

 

She is mad that it is taking so long. She expresses her anger that she has toward herself. She admits that the whole thing is "retarded."

 

If you all knew what I did that hurt her, I know you would understand why she was so detached from me. Even though I hurt her so much, she still feels terrible about the pain I am going through knowing she is fixated on this other guy.

 

If you care to find out the dark places I have been and the pain I have caused her, you can find my other thread on here "Wayward wife...need suggestions". Go ahead, if you want to hate me. Many of you will hate me, if you read this thread.

 

She has a good heart, and she is a tremendous woman. You will realize this if you read my suggested thread. Ugh, I don't want you to read it, but it will convince you of how good a woman my wife truly is.

 

Someone here said that she loves me. Yes she sure does love me. She tells me all the time. She misses me. She just can't give me her whole heart right now. It kills her and makes her cry all the time.

 

It is hard to change what your heart wants, whether it be attainable or not. I understand this.

 

Good news is that she told me that all the changes I have made have helped her to get her head more straight these past few months. She also says I am becoming more attractive because I am becoming the man she always knew I could be and wanted me to be. We are dating again and having really great times together, and we are communicating better than we ever have, after 13 years together.

 

I truly believe that, in time, when I remain consistent and she sees this, this fantasy will fade. I have to be patient.

 

She is worth fighting for, believe me.

 

She put up with all my terrible behavior, for 12 years, and she was faithful to me. It wasn't all my fault, but I still hurt her an awful lot.

 

I owe it to her to ride this out with her and be there for her, even if, for some reason, she wants to end it all with me, and we are just close friends.

 

Who knows.....even if we get a divorce and remain great friends, a brand new relationship could spark from this.

 

I highly doubt she will ask me for a divorce. She would have already done this months ago, if this is what she wanted.

 

She speaks her mind. She is honest. It hurts sometimes, but she is honest anyway. This is good.

 

Another thing....long after she is over her obsession and guilt, I will still struggle with the guilt and remorse I have over all the hurt I have caused her. No need for details here, but trust me....I was bad and did terrible stuff....no it wasn't cheating or physical abuse....it was other stuff. Like I said, read my other thread, if you want to really hate my guts.

 

Based on things that have been happening recently, it does seem like she is starting to come around. When we first separated, it was awful. She was always angry at me and always pushing me away. It was impossible to communicate with her. I could barely get a hug from her. I couldn't hold her hand. I couldn't be close to her. She would not allow it. I was sure I was losing her, forever. It really sucked.

 

The past two months, I have been getting better and better.....calm, attentive, dedicated, warm, understanding, etc. My medications combination is finally CORRECT. I have been working my ass off at improving myself...for ME. This automatically makes it better for my wife to be around me. I can finally THINK CLEARLY for fawk's sake.

 

This past month, she has been very warm with me. We hold hands. We go places together. We shop together. We cuddle. She sometimes responds to my offers to massage her feet or her back. She even danced for me one time (not naked), when I put on some good music. We talk a lot, both in person and on the phone. We smile at each other. We tease each other. We sometimes tease in a mildly sexual way, and she is responsive to this. I play with her hair. I tickle her skin. We have been pretty intimate, too, six times, in the past month. She didn't do anything for me, if you know what I mean....but she didn't just ignore me, either. I have not initiated these sexual moments, either. She initiated them all. I was happy to please her. I was glad to just be able to touch her in any kind of intimate way. This is way better than where we were back in October. October sucked. So did November and a chunk of December.

 

I tend to use the sexual stuff that she does as a gauge, of sorts, as to where she is at. Does anyone think this is a good gauge? I mean, she doesn't do this stuff with just anyone. I am the only man she has ever done this stuff with. In addition, if she were using sexual stuff to keep me around, for her own selfish reasons, then she would have been doing this from the beginning of our separation.

 

"How do you know this?" You might ask. I just know....I know her. I know how she was raised. I know her heart. She doesn't hide stuff from me. Hell, she couldn't hide her "emotional affair" from me, for even 6 weeks. She just couldn't hide it from me. She has a good heart.

 

Hope you enjoyed my essay LOL.

 

I do not look forward to the responses from those people who read my other thread. At least, I have the balls to be honest, and I have the balls to man up and change.

 

By the way, if any man here ever finds a woman like my wife, treat her like a goddess, and hold on to her, for dear life. Work your ass off every day, to make her feel special. KEEP her. Don't make the mistakes I have made. It hurts like Hell.

Edited February 10, 2014 by sadman37

[JohnMcClaine]

Your wife is hiding something. No one, especially at 39 years old, becomes that obsessed and "in love" with someone that they just randomly see 5 or 6 times working in a store. Wake up.

[sadman37]

I don't think so.

 

Your wife is hiding something. No one, especially at 39 years old, becomes that obsessed and "in love" with someone that they just randomly see 5 or 6 times working in a store. Wake up.

[JohnMcClaine]

I don't think so.

 

Of course you don't.

[sadman37]

There are lots of details that I know that lead me to believe she did not sleep with him.

[sadman37]

OK let's say she did sleep with him.

 

She does not want to divorce me now. She pushed divorce earlier in our separation, and this was when I was still very bi-polar and drove her nuts. I would get angry and remind her of all the other times I got angry.

 

She would call me and say, "I was just angry, and I do not want a divorce. There is hope for us. I love you. I just need time."

 

There is other stuff that I did that she is also trying to get over. Painful stuff.

 

I have actually pretended that she did sleep with the guy, and it hurt to think this, but I forgave her for what I imagined she did.

 

I love her. Love can fix things, right? Does it always? No. But it can.

[JohnMcClaine]

There is hope for us. I love you. I just need time.

 

At 39 years old, you should know that this is complete BS. The statements "I love you" and "I just need time" completely contradict each other. You should be aware that most affairs described on this forum involve the wayward spouse making this kind of declaration.