Wife is Obsessed with Another Man

[sadman37]

Thank you for your insight. Yes it makes sense.

 

Just got back from spending 4 hours at my wife's place, and I spent time with our son and with my wife.

 

She told me it was a good evening with me there. She complimented how I looked. She said she likes how my body looks in my new clothes. One of the changes I made pretty much at the beginning of our separation was how I dress. I bought all new clothes, and I make sure I am dressed very well when I go out and also when I see my wife.

 

She definitely notices this.

 

She had me stay for dinner tonight. It was nice.

 

She hugged me good bye, and she complimented me again. She said, "You look so handsome, in that outfit you are wearing." She smiled at me and told me, "Text me later tonight."

 

I told her, "You are beautiful."

 

She would not have me come over to her place if I were acting the way I was at the beginning of our separation and before that.

 

I really am making progress.

 

And yes I am learning how to cook!! She knows I am busy doing all sorts of things....looking for better work, going to counseling, going to AA meetings and meeting my sponsor, going to my doctor to keep up on my medication regimen, etc.

 

She is not pursuing this guy or any other guy. She is waiting to see if I can be consistent, and she is working on letting down this protective wall she has up (this includes the infatuation with this guy, in my opinion).

 

 

 

 

 

 

sadman

 

 

Ignore the nay sayers. Read my post about love chemicals. I have seen how powerful they can be and how quickly they can work. After the break up of my marriage, I played the field for close to 15 years, I liked living alone, I had no problem getting dates, in fact had at least a dozen numbers in my black book of FWB that I could call at any time. In fact I could chose, whether I wanted a blonde or a red head.

 

 

Then on night first kiss, on our second date, and I was almost instantly in love. As I drove home that night, I realized how lonely I was without this woman in my life.

 

 

Some thing similar has happened to your wife. As you have noticed she cannot control how she feels about this guy. And yes it will take time for her to get over him.

 

 

As for you, yes it sounds like you are making great progress with getting over your problems. Hopefully and some times that is enough to get them to once again get that chemistry with you.

 

 

If I were you I would start thinking out of the box and make even more changes, and try to further improve your life.

 

 

When my Ex and I broke up, she cheated, one of my first problems was to find a way to quit thinking about her. She filled my brain with almost every hour. One of the ways that I got my mind off of her was to teach myself how to cook some gourmet meals, they took much more effort than opening a box of some flavor of helper, which kept my mind busy. Plus I was doubley rewarded as I got a great tasting meal from my effort, and when I once again got back into the dating scene they I found that my new lady friends also liked them.

 

 

Although we had no contact somehow my Ex heard about my new cooking skills and wanted me to cook for her.

 

 

Like I said, think out of the box, improve your life, cooking, maybe dance lessons, whatever, they might just be the trigger that reignites the flame.

Edited February 12, 2014 by sadman37

[veggirl]

I think your wife has no idea what the word love means. That includes when she says she loves you. She sounds emotionally stunted.

[sadman37]

Perhaps, you are right.

 

Like I said earlier in this thread, if anyone reads my "wayward wife" thread, then they would understand why she is the way she is, after being with me for 13 years.

 

I'm not blaming myself or feeling bad about myself now (been there done that...a million times over). Rather, I am simply offering an explanation.

 

Read that thread, and I am pretty sure you will be on her side. Not only that, but you will be cheering for her to leave me....for good.

 

Someone here wrote that she is lucky to have me. I disagree. I am lucky to have her.

 

 

I think your wife has no idea what the word love means. That includes when she says she loves you. She sounds emotionally stunted.

[aMguilts]

so you are not blaming yourself????

 

 

aM

[aMguilts]

better still.

rather sitting around doing nothing

why not do something?

aM

[aMguilts]

or keep on posting on here about what you ARE`NT doing

 

 

aM

[whichwayisup]

Someone here wrote that she is lucky to have me. I disagree. I am lucky to have her.

 

That was me.

 

You need to take credit for your efforts and the changes you've made.

[Yasuandio]

Hmmmmmm.

 

Beach and AliveAgain are just as Sharp as Yas, we smell a Big Fat Rat.

 

I knew it by the third or fourth excuse you made for her. Right. A scorned by a fantasy relatationship with a young married man that works at the mall (or wherever she shops). Oh, gag a magot. And nothing happened, she's just trying to make sense of it all, poor dear.

 

Dude, WAKE UP. She may have caused you brain chemistry imbalance that set off symptoms of bi-polar desease. That happened to me, when my husband abandoned me in a foreign country. Shock can cause mental illness in those with a propensity towards it (or a person already showing features of mental ilness like depression or anxiety).

 

Be sure you have an excellent Psychiatrist - and let them know you are undergoing a Tramatic event (this fantasy relationship your wife is feeding you).

 

You need a really good friend, unrelated to your wife, that you can tell these stories to and get a "reality check." don't feel bad, love makes everyone blind, but only the meanest people lead persons that are challenged with mental illness to question reality.

 

Please listen to Beach, AliveAgain, and me. She is making all this stuff up so you can swallow it, that way, her explanation for two-timing you doesn't sound so bad. She even gains sympathy from you. I was falling for the story too - for awhile, then it got stupid, when she claims she can't get past it. That's when I knew it was bull.

 

Keep posting to us. I fully comprehend bi-polar. I have type 2. What type do you have? When was it discovered? Was it a sudden onset? Stay with us. Yas

[Steadfast]

You have wise people posting wisdom for your benefit, yet you're defensive when reading something that doesn't fit into what you are asking. That's the problem, IMO. You're asking the wrong questions. The people here know that. They are giving you the answers to the right questions.

 

Because of your past behavior, you claim to be fortunate to have any relationship with her. Okay, fine and noted. But, why the frustration? See, if you really meant that, you'd be happy just having what she gives you.

 

But you're not. Your story is full of holes sadman. Her endless compliments about your appearance suggest to you she's getting closer to...well, whatever it is you hope to ultimately gain. It's pretty clear she's stringing you along, but you probably know why more than we could. Still, we don't need to know her to understand that attraction is pretty straightforward.

 

Few work back into it. It didn't take her long to work into Mr. Hot Store guy, did it? That seemed to happen pretty quickly with little effort. The effort now is trying to douse the lust. It isn't love...you can't truly 'love' a person that you don't know. But you can lust, romanticize, fantasize and become infatuated. In your wife's case, these feelings are claimed to be strong enough for her to separate from you...or so she says. You're not buying that sadman, you'd rather place the blame/cause/reason for her leaving on you. That means you have a better chance of fixing it. That means you're the cause, not her. Her feelings. Her desires. Her dreams. She's happy to play along. That makes her guilt for leaving the marriage disappear.

 

Listen to me. Unless they, or their children have been physically abused, women to not leave men they are in love with. However, many, if not most maintain a 'thread' with people they are involved with. Some out of guilt, some out of pity, some out of obligation or good old fashioned fear. It is a good bet she cares and genuinely does not want to see you harmed, but it wouldn't kill her if some other woman came along to take the job.

 

Experience has taught me and others here that romance and romantic feelings are seldom bargained. My advice? Leave her alone. She knows how you feel. Let her decide, if you're comfortable allowing her to decide the fate of your marriage. For now, get on with your life without her.

Edited February 13, 2014 by Steadfast

[sadman37]

To answer another poster's question, I have type 2 Bi-polar disorder.

 

I should have been taking medications since I was 17. I dumped them down the toilet at that time in my life. Then, I medicated myself with alcohol...a lot...until I was 34. I have been sober nearly 6 years now.

 

Long story.

 

Anyway, my wife and I have been spending more and more time together. We have been going out more and more, and she is smiling and laughing with me more and more. She comes over to my place and hangs out here for hours. I hang out at her place for hours.

 

I am simply enjoying the time we spend together. I am not nagging her about "where we are at." She brings this topic up, however, and I listen to her when she talks to me. According to her, she is thinking more and more about things being "the way they were." By that, she means us being together.

 

She also said, "We are getting along so well, and I can see things going much differently for us than they are now, in the future. If we were together, I could see us being so much happier than before because you are so easy to be around and get along with now."

 

She told me these things just today. I took her words for what they were, and I smiled and hugged her and said, "This is so encouraging, baby." She smiled back at me and said, "Yes!"

 

She is afraid, of course, that I will not remain the way I have been. She is afraid I will become all "crazy" like I was before I got my medications right.

 

I am just letting stuff happen as it happens and however it happens.

 

Mainly, I have been focusing on myself, my medications, my counseling, my doctor who helps me with my bi-polar disorder, my sobriety, and my education and career goals.

 

I HAVE changed, and I can now hold a conversation with my wife. To her, this is HUGE. Her biggest complaint has been that she could never talk to me about anything serious, and I did not listen to her.

 

This has changed.

 

And yes I do take credit for the changes I have made, in my own life, in my own self.

 

I don't know what else to say.

Edited February 21, 2014 by sadman37

[sadman37]

All right. Check this out.

 

Here is what I think happened.

 

She separated from me thinking something would happen with this guy. She didn't want to feel so bad about it if something happened, and this is why she separated.

 

So, now we are separated, and then the guy tells her he is married, during their last visit. She is devastated and in disbelief, and now she is spiraling all over the place because I am not there, and the other guy is not there, either.

 

She didn't want to look stupid or obvious, so she didn't ask me to move back in right away (nor has she yet). PLUS, she is and was still trying to get over stuff that I have done, which was awful stuff you guys.

 

She has even told me that the guy kept acting like he was single and like he was interested in her and that she was very disappointed when she found out he was married.

 

Did this hurt my feelings? **** yes it did!!!

 

She said their conversations were half an hour long or more each time they saw each other at his place of work.

 

She does feel guilty, even though we both know that I did some awful things that killed her attraction toward me. I feel even more guilty because of the awful things I did...and they were awful I assure you.

 

Not that I want to be bashed for my wrongdoings, but nobody here seems to be taking this into account, at all. No, I am not placing ALL the blame upon myself here. Yes, my wife is and was wrong for letting herself become so attached to this damn other guy. I acknowledge this. However, I still love her just the same as I always have.

 

She is now telling me, "We are moving forward. No more negatives. Only positives."

 

Again, she has told me, "I have been thinking every single day about things being back the way they were. We have been getting along so well. I could see us being so happy in the future."

 

Now, this is way better than in the beginning of our separation, when she said, "I need a divorce, a finalization, a fresh start. I cannot be with you anymore. I don't have it in me. I cannot remain faithful to you, if I continue to be trapped with you. etc. etc."

 

Much better, don't you agree?

 

She also tells me, "When I am with you again, I want to be ALL yours, mind and body. I don't want to be thinking about another man. I just need time."

 

She is so infatuated with this other man that she just cannot let him go....yet. She tells me this.

 

If she had some other man, she would just tell me, and it would be over. She wouldn't lie to me about this, not for very long, anyway.

 

Infatuations die....with enough time. All of mine died, and I had a lot of them.

 

I mean damn if she wanted a divorce she would just tell me. She would tell me and then go looking for some other man. She hasn't done this yet, and believe me she does not lack the balls to go through with this, if it is what she wanted.

 

Other stuff she has told me:

 

She has always been so strong. She never thought about another man, while she was with me. She has always had control over her emotions and stuff. When this guy opened the door inside her, she was totally unnerved. She couldn't believe it happened to her. It made her angry, crazy, etc. She is perplexed, still, by this whole thing. She HATES it.

 

I have seen her cry over this whole thing. It isn't pretty. She does hate it.

 

People on here seem to think one of two things:

 

a) She will never get over this infatuation, and it will, therefore, make it impossible for our marriage to work.

b) She is actually with this guy or some other guy and just can't tell me about it.

 

What about option c? Which is: Yes this infatuation is there, and it is powerful, but she can and will move past it, and our marriage can and will work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hmmmmmm.

 

Beach and AliveAgain are just as Sharp as Yas, we smell a Big Fat Rat.

 

I knew it by the third or fourth excuse you made for her. Right. A scorned by a fantasy relatationship with a young married man that works at the mall (or wherever she shops). Oh, gag a magot. And nothing happened, she's just trying to make sense of it all, poor dear.

 

Dude, WAKE UP. She may have caused you brain chemistry imbalance that set off symptoms of bi-polar desease. That happened to me, when my husband abandoned me in a foreign country. Shock can cause mental illness in those with a propensity towards it (or a person already showing features of mental ilness like depression or anxiety).

 

Be sure you have an excellent Psychiatrist - and let them know you are undergoing a Tramatic event (this fantasy relationship your wife is feeding you).

 

You need a really good friend, unrelated to your wife, that you can tell these stories to and get a "reality check." don't feel bad, love makes everyone blind, but only the meanest people lead persons that are challenged with mental illness to question reality.

 

Please listen to Beach, AliveAgain, and me. She is making all this stuff up so you can swallow it, that way, her explanation for two-timing you doesn't sound so bad. She even gains sympathy from you. I was falling for the story too - for awhile, then it got stupid, when she claims she can't get past it. That's when I knew it was bull.

 

Keep posting to us. I fully comprehend bi-polar. I have type 2. What type do you have? When was it discovered? Was it a sudden onset? Stay with us. Yas

Edited February 21, 2014 by sadman37

[JohnMcClaine]

So basically what has happened is that things are probably not working out with this other guy. That's all you had to say. Don't worry, she will find another guy in due time and then blame it on your mental condition.

[SD1000]

So basically what has happened is that things are probably not working out with this other guy. That's all you had to say. Don't worry, she will find another guy in due time and then blame it on your mental condition.

 

 

 

I agree that it is just not rational for a 39 year old woman to have months of prolonged desires for a 25 year old man that she only saw in a store five or six times. However, for the OP, maybe ignorance is bliss. She might come back to him and if she does, there is a small chance that she will not want to go through this again. I wouldn't bet a nickel on that happening, but if it does, then believing that that's all she did might work for the OP.

[Appreciate]

Read stage 3

 

Women's Infidelity

[Mr.Milked]

So basically what has happened is that things are probably not working out with this other guy. That's all you had to say. Don't worry, she will find another guy in due time and then blame it on your mental condition.

I think he should buy her something. That usually makes her happy.

[GorillaTheater]

All right. Check this out.

 

Here is what I think happened.

 

She separated from me thinking something would happen with this guy. She didn't want to feel so bad about it if something happened, and this is why she separated.

 

So, now we are separated, and then the guy tells her he is married, during their last visit. She is devastated and in disbelief, and now she is spiraling all over the place because I am not there, and the other guy is not there, either.

 

She didn't want to look stupid or obvious, so she didn't ask me to move back in right away (nor has she yet). PLUS, she is and was still trying to get over stuff that I have done, which was awful stuff you guys.

 

She has even told me that the guy kept acting like he was single and like he was interested in her and that she was very disappointed when she found out he was married.

 

Did this hurt my feelings? **** yes it did!!!

 

She said their conversations were half an hour long or more each time they saw each other at his place of work.

 

She does feel guilty, even though we both know that I did some awful things that killed her attraction toward me. I feel even more guilty because of the awful things I did...and they were awful I assure you.

 

Not that I want to be bashed for my wrongdoings, but nobody here seems to be taking this into account, at all. No, I am not placing ALL the blame upon myself here. Yes, my wife is and was wrong for letting herself become so attached to this damn other guy. I acknowledge this. However, I still love her just the same as I always have.

 

She is now telling me, "We are moving forward. No more negatives. Only positives."

 

Again, she has told me, "I have been thinking every single day about things being back the way they were. We have been getting along so well. I could see us being so happy in the future."

 

Now, this is way better than in the beginning of our separation, when she said, "I need a divorce, a finalization, a fresh start. I cannot be with you anymore. I don't have it in me. I cannot remain faithful to you, if I continue to be trapped with you. etc. etc."

 

Much better, don't you agree?

 

She also tells me, "When I am with you again, I want to be ALL yours, mind and body. I don't want to be thinking about another man. I just need time."

 

She is so infatuated with this other man that she just cannot let him go....yet. She tells me this.

 

If she had some other man, she would just tell me, and it would be over. She wouldn't lie to me about this, not for very long, anyway.

 

Infatuations die....with enough time. All of mine died, and I had a lot of them.

 

I mean damn if she wanted a divorce she would just tell me. She would tell me and then go looking for some other man. She hasn't done this yet, and believe me she does not lack the balls to go through with this, if it is what she wanted.

 

Other stuff she has told me:

 

She has always been so strong. She never thought about another man, while she was with me. She has always had control over her emotions and stuff. When this guy opened the door inside her, she was totally unnerved. She couldn't believe it happened to her. It made her angry, crazy, etc. She is perplexed, still, by this whole thing. She HATES it.

 

I have seen her cry over this whole thing. It isn't pretty. She does hate it.

 

People on here seem to think one of two things:

 

a) She will never get over this infatuation, and it will, therefore, make it impossible for our marriage to work.

b) She is actually with this guy or some other guy and just can't tell me about it.

 

What about option c? Which is: Yes this infatuation is there, and it is powerful, but she can and will move past it, and our marriage can and will work.

 

You could have saved some bandwidth by simply saying that you're your wife's Plan B.

 

Are you okay with that, being your wife's back-up plan?

[Yasuandio]

Read stage 3

 

Women's Infidelity

 

I just want to mention what an outstanding source you have cite Appreciate! I posted it in the Pinned Critical Readings Section (also in my signature line) so other's can "appreciate" it. Yas

[aMguilts]

guess easter IS near :S