Wife is Obsessed with Another Man

[sadman37]

Well if she ends up wanting a divorce, then I'll know she is full of it.

 

If she wanted to end it all, she would have already. She has gone from not wanting me around at all to wanting to spend time with me.

 

This is a good indicator that she does still love me and that she does want to see if we can live together in harmony, some day.

 

Do you think she is just keeping me around for selfish reasons?

 

For now, I will continue spending time with her and enjoying her company.

 

Nothing wrong with this, if it continues to go well.

 

Not all women who say this are full of it. Sometimes, it is actually true. She has told me many times that if I leave she would understand but that she would be very sad if I left. She wants me in her life. She wants to see if I will remain stable.

 

It is amazing that I am even able to still talk to her.

 

You have to understand all the stuff I put her through. You can read my other thread, if you wish. It will give you a new perspective. Then, you will also hate me, most likely.

 

Time will tell.

Edited February 10, 2014 by sadman37

[JohnMcClaine]

Listen. I'm not trying to be rude. But I think you are being incredibly naive. I hope for your sake you are right, but you have to understand that people in your position tend to live in a state of denial about things that may be going on (i.e. affairs). Like I said before, no one, and especially not a 39 year old adult, becomes obsessed and in love with someone else by simply seeing them in a store a few times.

 

If she wanted to end it all, she would have already. She has gone from not wanting me around at all to wanting to spend time with me.

 

Which could be genuine, or it could be that things have fallen through with this other guy.

 

This is a good indicator that she does still love me and that she does want to see if we can live together in harmony, some day.

 

She is obsessed with another man. This is a good indicator that she is not in love with you.

 

Do you think she is just keeping me around for selfish reasons?

 

I don't know one way or the other, but more often than not, wayward spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends tend to keep their lover around as plan B.

 

Not all women who say this are full of it. Sometimes, it is actually true. She has told me many times that if I leave she would understand but that she would be very sad if I left. She wants me in her life. She wants to see if I will remain stable.

 

People say a lot of things. Her actions are saying something else. She's openly admitted to being obsessed with another man, while denying that anything has gone on between them and that she has only seen him in a store a few times. This is incredibly suspicious.

[sadman37]

All your points are valid.

 

It was the way he paid attention to her. It was the way he was. It was the fact that he was not the one who ripped her heart out, like I did. My wife is like a teenager, in some ways. This thing is like some massive high school crush or something. I know it. I know my wife.

 

She has not seen this guy, since November 11th. I know because I looked at the history on our computer and the stuff she looked up, and I have read her journal. I had the key to our house, when we separated, and I went there when she was not there, and I read the damn thing. Believe me...she didn't sleep with him. She simply dreamed of her and him being "us."

 

She fell hard....she realizes it is stupid, but she still cannot free herself from the idea of him and how great he made her feel, by the way he paid attention to her. Plus, he is way young, and this made her feel young again, too.

 

She is working on this stuff. I believe it is worth the wait, if she can get past this and feel happy with me again.

 

This is why I simply asked what, if anything, besides what I am already doing, I can do to help her move on away from this fantasy.

 

She cries and cries over it...she feels terrible about it because she does not want either of us to hurt anymore.

 

She does love me. Believe me....if she did not love me, she would have left me 11 years ago. She stuck with me through HELL. And yes she has told me that she does not feel "in love" with me like she used to. She tells me she WANTS to be in love with me again. On a good note, she tells me she wants to spend time with me and just have fun and see how I act (if I act normal for a change). She wants to see that I am well, mentally, for once, then she won't be as afraid to be with me and won't fear me tearing her heart out again. I don't blame her for being afraid, after how I have treated her.

 

The last three times we went out, she told me, "You were exactly the man I have needed you to be! You were normal and manly and calm and didn't act all weird like you used to."

 

She truly is seeing the changes I am making!! She keeps wanting to go out with me and have me visit her or visit me at my house.

 

This means something, for sure. If she did not want me in her life, she would just tell me this, and that would be that.

 

It really seems like she is trying to let me court her again and see if she falls in love with me all over again.

 

Stranger things have happened!!

 

And hey she and I separated back in 08. She left me COLD man. I mean she moved here to Wyoming and left me in Arizona. I had ZERO contact with her, for 5 months. No talking, no emails, no anything. She then texted me out of nowhere and said she missed me.

 

Truly, you can see that this situation is not hopeless.

Edited February 10, 2014 by sadman37

[JohnMcClaine]

I'm sorry. I do not at all believe that a 39 year old adult fell in love with someone else that she simply saw in a store that he worked at a few times and did so deeply enough that it's caused a huge rift in her marriage. This does not make any sense whatsoever.

[sadman37]

The rift was already in our marriage, before she met this guy.

 

This guy just made it even worse.

 

This is why she separated both from me and from this guy.

[JohnMcClaine]

The rift was already in our marriage, before she met this guy.

 

This guy just made it even worse.

 

That's not the point. You do not become obsessed or fall in love by simply shopping at a store that they work at and conversing a few times.

[sadman37]

Correct, but she FEELS that she loves him. All it really is is an infatuation.

 

That's not the point. You do not become obsessed or fall in love by simply shopping at a store that they work at and conversing a few times.

[sadman37]

OK, so you are saying that the only way she became obsessed with this guy is by sleeping with him?

[JohnMcClaine]

Correct, but she FEELS that she loves him. All it really is is an infatuation.

 

You aren't understanding. A 39 year old adult does not even feel that way by only conversing at a store a few times. If you want to keep overlooking this, then that's fine. I just want you to know this is extremely suspicious.

[sadman37]

Yes, I agree. But are you saying that she is only obsessed with him because she slept with him?

 

You aren't understanding. A 39 year old adult does not even feel that way by only conversing at a store a few times. If you want to keep overlooking this, then that's fine. I just want you to know this is extremely suspicious.

[JohnMcClaine]

OK, so you are saying that the only way she became obsessed with this guy is by sleeping with him?

 

No, I'm saying that people don't become this obsessed by conversing at a store a few times. It doesn't mean she slept with him, but I would guess that there is more to this story than she is letting on.

[sadman37]

Here is what she has told me, and her story has never changed, not even a little bit. I paid attention when she spoke to me, believe me.

 

She said she had craved "normal conversation" for a long time. I was incapable of having normal interactions with her, for a long time. My disorder prevented this. She said this guy was "crazy and cocky," but in a good way...he was able to converse with her normally, and he paid attention to her more than a sales associate normally would. She said it seemed that he was flirting with her to get something going, and it made her feel very good. She wanted more of this feeling, and she went to the store more than she knew she should. She became addicted to this "new" attention and "normal" conversation that she did not have with me.

 

No, I'm saying that people don't become this obsessed by conversing at a store a few times. It doesn't mean she slept with him, but I would guess that there is more to this story than she is letting on.

[sadman37]

Here is another interesting thing.

 

I know who the guy is.

 

I went in and talked to him, and he was unaware that she had any feelings for him. He is married and told me he never intended to lead her on. He told me he was just trying to sell a lot of products to her (nutrition store).

 

How did I figure out who it is?

 

She texted me one day asking if I had gone to the store by myself. A coupon arrived in the mail, as if someone bought something from there. Heck it was her who bought products there.

 

She relentlessly asked me if I had gone into the store without her. I had not gone in there for 5 months!! I kept telling her no I did not go there. When I got home, it was apparent that my answers via text were not enough. She asked me three more times if I was sure I did not go there alone.

 

Then, I figured, "Well damn, I suppose I better go there NOW to see what the hell is going on."

[sadman37]

I suppose she was afraid that I would find out she was being flirty with the guy in there.

[sadman37]

I found out she had told him that we were separated and stuff.

 

She told me to not tell anyone because she wanted it to be private, yet she told HIM. ha ha ha.....ummmm......yeah

 

Anyway, I confronted her about it all, and she was PISSED. Now, she tells me she is sad because everyone there treats her like she is some horrible person, when all she did was joke around with the guy there. She never tried to "get him."

 

She is ill over the whole thing. Yet, she won't admit that he is the guy.

 

She only goes there on Sundays, when that guy isn't working there.

 

I threw a nice monkey wrench into her little "place of joy."

 

She knows that I know and that I am right. She hates it. It is no longer her little secret.

[sadman37]

ha ha ha plus about 6 weeks ago I was joking around with her and gave her his cell number and told her to ask him out.

 

She actually texted him and ripped him because she thought he was saying bad things about her to me. He wasn't....she was just afraid that he was....that he had a bad opinion of her. ha ha ha

 

He blocked her number on his phone. He got mad at her and told her to "look in the mirror before ripping someone else she doesn't even know."

 

Yeah, I threw a nice wrench into her little "thing."

[Twernip]

One of my best friends (single) had the unfortunate habit of "falling in love" with men that showed her ANY degree of attention. In her mind, a pleasant and friendly manner *must* denote romantic interest. I've lost count of the times that some poor fellow, simply doing his job by providing excellent customer service, fell prey to her obsession- and that is all it was, obsession, for all her protestations that what she felt was love.

She'd call in to their places of work, make excuses and find reasons to stay and chat, until more often than not the object of her obsession would spot her approaching and swiftly remove himself out of her way, or a manager would get involved, or (in the more extreme cases) leave their job- all to avoid her.

She has settled down a lot more, now, I'm happy to say. And once her obsession had faded she always wondered what on Earth she was thinking! So, no, a woman doesn't HAVE to sleep with a man, or even to have a meaningful conversation with him, to have these emotions, they can and do spring up. It was like an extreme form of crush. Heck, I've had crushes aplenty (who hasn't?) but my somewhat naive best friend really did used to confuse crushing with love, all because of a friendly smile and courteous manner that to her relatively innocent mind meant more than good customer service.

I wish you well, Sadman.

[sadman37]

Anyway, I tried to stop feeling sad about it and just have some fun with it.

 

She is not pleased that I got all involved. No not one bit.

 

She is still obsessed with him, though.

[sadman37]

I'm with you, Twernip. I believe this obsession will fade, in time. And like I said she is, in fact, naive in many ways.

 

I know she did not have to sleep with the guy to become obsessed. Thank you for agreeing with me.

 

I love her to death. She knows this.

 

She loves me to death. I know this.

 

There is hope.

 

 

One of my best friends (single) had the unfortunate habit of "falling in love" with men that showed her ANY degree of attention. In her mind, a pleasant and friendly manner *must* denote romantic interest. I've lost count of the times that some poor fellow, simply doing his job by providing excellent customer service, fell prey to her obsession- and that is all it was, obsession, for all her protestations that what she felt was love.

She'd call in to their places of work, make excuses and find reasons to stay and chat, until more often than not the object of her obsession would spot her approaching and swiftly remove himself out of her way, or a manager would get involved, or (in the more extreme cases) leave their job- all to avoid her.

She has settled down a lot more, now, I'm happy to say. And once her obsession had faded she always wondered what on Earth she was thinking! So, no, a woman doesn't HAVE to sleep with a man, or even to have a meaningful conversation with him, to have these emotions, they can and do spring up. It was like an extreme form of crush. Heck, I've had crushes aplenty (who hasn't?) but my somewhat naive best friend really did used to confuse crushing with love, all because of a friendly smile and courteous manner that to her relatively innocent mind meant more than good customer service.

I wish you well, Sadman.

[sadman37]

It's like a high school crush that lasts all year, then it fades once it does not come true.

[pteromom]

You said in your other thread:

 

Also, she does fear that I will backslide and become the bi-polar mess I once was. All I can do is remain consistent, which I will do.

And this doesn't help:

 

I threw a nice monkey wrench into her little "place of joy."

By being WEIRD and going to this guy and causing her intentional discomfort, you only sabotage the trust you are rebuilding with her.

 

If you have evidence that suggests she has never slept with this guy or seen him outside the store, you have to realize he is just a fantasy to her.

 

It started out as an escape. He would smile at her and it made her feel beautiful and that's all. Then she started using him as an outlet for fantasy, so she built him up in her head.

 

Now, my guess is that he's a wall for her. That he's an excuse for not getting closer to you again. And I can't really blame her for being afraid of being close to you. Just from what you have admitted on your other post, I'd be afraid too.

 

You need to forget the other guy. He's not the issue, as he isn't real. (At least the version in her head isn't real.) Forget sleeping with her. Focus on rebuilding trust. That is your #1 goal right now. To show her that you are serious about changing. And that takes TIME. There is nothing you can do to speed up that time.

 

Because she knew you for many years as a certain person. A person who was very damaged and did terrible things. It's not unreasonable to think you could be putting on an act or forcing yourself to be good, in order to win her back, and that you'll then be back to who you were. Only time will prove that isn't the case.

 

I assume you are going to counseling. (If not, you should be.) Your wife should be going to counseling as well. And at some point, when both your therapists say it is time, you should come together for marital counseling.

[sadman37]

Thank you ptero

 

Yes I realize he is just a fantasy, for her. I truly believe she can get past this, if I keep working on being the man she needs me to be. She tells me I am more attractive in all ways now, and she still says I am great looking (which sure doesn't hurt).

 

She comments on my new clothes and says I look great. She comments on how good I look in certain jeans. It makes me feel good....encouraged. It makes me think she is thinking about how overall attractive I am becoming, to her.

 

When I stare at her when she does stuff around her house, she asks me what I am doing. I tell her, "I'm just enjoying looking at your beautiful shape moving around." She says, "Well, I like it when you do that." Again, not sure if I should use this stuff as any sort of gauge.

 

Hey look....I am not just trying to have sex with my wife. I think about it, of course, but it is not my focus. I mentioned the sexual stuff here because SHE initiated it, and I wanted to know if this is a good indicator that she is feeling better about me or trusts me more or something. I HOPE so.

 

She will do her thing with me...if you know what I mean, then she will laugh and joke about it later. She will also say, "That was bad. Never again. Never again." Then in the next breath she says, "But it sure felt good. MMMM." I just listen to her.

 

Yeah I didn't mean to mess with her little "place of joy" to the point of it making her all messed up even more. It just happened. I was a concerned husband, and that's all. This was back on November 15.

 

Is it wrong for a husband to check out what is going on somewhere, if his wife makes him suspect something is fishy? I didn't think it was, at the time.

 

After she got all mad at me, I started joking around about it, to try to make it lighter. She was laughing with me and seemed to enjoy the lighter atmosphere of it, but then she suddenly got mad at me and told me she disliked me.

 

What started me actually verbally questioning her is when the guy told me she popped in and told him to keep his eyes out for a two bedroom apartment. Both he and I thought that was odd or suggestive or both.

 

Yes I am going to counseling and working with a doctor. Yes I am slowly working the AA program and also have a sponsor. Yes I am truly working on myself. Yes it is showing, and yes I am feeling and doing much much better than I did back in October....TONS better.

 

Yes, she keeps commenting on my progress. Yes she worries that I will change back to my old self. Yes she does mention that she wants "us" to be better. She gets very irritated if I show any sign of my old self, which happens every now and then.

 

She says she wants me to get better and that this will help HER, too. Why would she care about me getting better so much? My thinking is that she wants me to get better so that we can be together again and in a healthy way.

 

I mean if she plans to leave me for good, then she wouldn't have to deal with me, except when I visit our son.

 

Last week, an episode happened. She found some porn that I had looked at on the computer back in September. She was furious and crazy pissed. She said, "Ugh I am SOOO frustrated with you right now! I'm just DONE with you!"

 

Her anger shows me that she cares about what I do and that she is jealous about the porn. This is a good thing, overall.,

 

I got suicidal thoughts over the guilt I felt and went into a treatment place. She called me and said, "We were doing so good! Please don't go back to the way you were!" This is a big clue that she wants us to work.

 

Sure seems like it, anyway.

 

Again, I am not running around thinking, "I need to have sex with her I need to have sex with her." Yeah I think about it because she's hot! But this is not the vibe I give out to her. I am trying to rebuild our communication and also build trust with her.

 

We have great conversations! We laugh and smile and it's great! She has even started laughing about the way I used to be, when I was all up and down and weird and stuff. She hated it back then, but now she is laughing about it....and she has laughed HARD, too.

Edited February 10, 2014 by sadman37

[sadman37]

Did you read my thread? I already wrote that she does not expect me to wait for her.

 

She hopes that we can work out, in the future, but she is not putting stipulations on me or telling me to wait around for her.

 

She has said to me many times, "If you're not in a relationship when I get better, and you still want me, then we can go from there. I understand if you don't hang around until then."

 

She tells me, "If you went away, it would hurt, and I would miss you, and I would feel devastated, but I can't make you wait around for me."

 

She's not cold toward me or anything like that. She does still love me, in her own way.

 

She says, "I need you, in my own way."

 

Does this hurt me? Yes it hurts.

 

Is it confusing? Yes.

 

If I wait for her, it is by my choice.

 

I truly love her. This is the catcher. I can't just stop loving her.

 

All I hope for is that she figures out her mind and heart and that she truly wants to work it out between us. I am not ready for, nor do I want to get involved in another relationship, nor do I wish to be alone.

 

I want to be with the woman I love. This whole thing is very frustrating.

 

 

 

SHE wants you to wait for her? Youre ok with being "Plan B"? what the hell man. How about you MAN UP and stop being weak? Jesus.

[JohnMcClaine]

I'm sorry, but she's playing you.

[2.50 a gallon]

sadman

 

 

Ignore the nay sayers. Read my post about love chemicals. I have seen how powerful they can be and how quickly they can work. After the break up of my marriage, I played the field for close to 15 years, I liked living alone, I had no problem getting dates, in fact had at least a dozen numbers in my black book of FWB that I could call at any time. In fact I could chose, whether I wanted a blonde or a red head.

 

 

Then on night first kiss, on our second date, and I was almost instantly in love. As I drove home that night, I realized how lonely I was without this woman in my life.

 

 

Some thing similar has happened to your wife. As you have noticed she cannot control how she feels about this guy. And yes it will take time for her to get over him.

 

 

As for you, yes it sounds like you are making great progress with getting over your problems. Hopefully and some times that is enough to get them to once again get that chemistry with you.

 

 

If I were you I would start thinking out of the box and make even more changes, and try to further improve your life.

 

 

When my Ex and I broke up, she cheated, one of my first problems was to find a way to quit thinking about her. She filled my brain with almost every hour. One of the ways that I got my mind off of her was to teach myself how to cook some gourmet meals, they took much more effort than opening a box of some flavor of helper, which kept my mind busy. Plus I was doubley rewarded as I got a great tasting meal from my effort, and when I once again got back into the dating scene they I found that my new lady friends also liked them.

 

 

Although we had no contact somehow my Ex heard about my new cooking skills and wanted me to cook for her.

 

 

Like I said, think out of the box, improve your life, cooking, maybe dance lessons, whatever, they might just be the trigger that reignites the flame.