LDR partner slept with another man

[stewartbig87]

I've recently fallen for a woman I met online, we chat every day and have been together for a while now. She's a year and a half my elder and I have plans to permanently move to her country in the next 12 months.

 

She lives in the UK currently and I'm in Australia. We've not yet met in person but I have the plane ticket booked and will spend all of May with her.

 

On Friday night I decided to turn in early since I was tired from work, she said that's fine since she was to be heading to the pub to drink with her girlfriends. On Saturday evening she texted me when she woke up to tell the following, and I quote,

 

"Lol it was a messy night and bad decisions were made."

 

I asked if she had been drugged or mugged, or even gotten into a bar fight. She answered,

 

'I had sex, Lol'

 

All I could muster was 'Ah'. My heart sank, I started to wheeze and I threw up in my mouth.

She asked me if I was mad, I tried to play it down but I told her I was upset and I felt hurt & betrayed.

 

She told me she had never done it before. I said, 'Well honesty is the best policy.' to which she replied 'I just want to go out and have fun you know? I want you to do the same.'

 

I could never imagine myself with another woman, not even for no-strings attached one night stands.

 

I didn't reply for a while (we were texting) and she said 'I'm really tired, I only slept for 3 hours' to which I snapped back 'Oh, I guess you must have been up most of the night.' She didn't take that well and said I had no right.

 

I went to bed and barely slept. When I apologised for my remark she accepted my apology. I asked her why she would not apologise for having slept with this man and having hurt me, and she said that she didn't feel sorry and that she had nothing to apologise for. She said it was an experience for her and she doesn't regret it.

 

Our conversation today has been short and to the point. I feel betrayed but part of me understands that there are urges at stake. I just don't know if I wish to see her anymore. I love her dearly but I fear she may take my reluctance to impose myself more firmly as a pass to do as she pleases. Whilst I love her, I do have standards. I do not wish to contract an STD.

 

 

I feel like I am putting the most work into this relationship, and she even stated that she was 'scared' by the prospect of me moving to see her. I wish to trust her but this, coupled with the unfaithfulness, makes me believe this may not have been the first time. She could be scared of the consequences.

 

 

Should I carry on my relationship with her?

[central]

I don't think this "relationship" is going to work. You're too fixated on someone you haven't met (I would go so far as to say delusional). You both should be dating around until you've actually met and mutually agree to be exclusive.

[silicone]

Move on from her, block her from your life.

 

She doesn't feel the same way about you.

 

Come to the UK in May, just don't visit her

[soccerrprp]

It's done. She is not interested in you. Get a refund if you can or change the destination and plan for something for you.

 

BTW...

 

"...have been together for a while now."

 

You haven't been together at all. Entirely cyber relationship. You don't know her from Jane. I would never get involved in a LDR with someone that I had not met and had a relationship, in person, for some time. Find someone local.

Edited February 9, 2014 by soccerrprp

[JDPT]

It's evident that there was never a "relationship" to begin with. And the fact that she feels no remorse for her action can only indicate that she had no concept of any ramifications that this may bring upon her. And without airing the obvious, she had no regards for your feelings, and even if she did apologize it still does not change the fact that she betrayed you. Move along, she clearly was never worth your investment. Take that trip to go elsewhere, do a little bit of soul searching. On a positive note, the relationship didn't develop into anything further than a LDR which of course plays in your favor.

[jcrew11]

Online relationships are completely different than "real life relationships"

 

In fact, online relationships are more similar to "game play/fantasy/mrpg" because you never actually know if the person behind the screen is who they say they are (or gender) or if they are single/married. People can pretend to be anyone they want online and give out whatever impression they want to achieve.

 

Real Life relationships not just require physical contact, but also having to deal with each other's personality habits. Someone who is great at IM Chatting, can be completely annoying in real life.

[MrMeh]

Who the hell says "lol" when they tell their partner they cheated on them.

She thinks your relationship is a joke. You have nothing to gain from

talking to a person like her. Please move on.

[lolablue17]

She think its OK to sleep with other men.

+

She told you "you have no right to say anything in that matter"

=

She is not in a commited relationship with you. Period.

[ExpatInItaly]

She think its OK to sleep with other men.

+

She told you "you have no right to say anything in that matter"

=

She is not in a commited relationship with you. Period.

 

Agreed.

 

It's sad because it's so clear that you two had very different ideas about what this relationship meant. For you, it was serious. For her, it was not. It sounds as though she saw you more like someone to have fun and chat with, not someone with whom she'd have a future. Be glad you know all of this before making any life-changing decisions (like moving abroad) for a person you have never met.

 

OP, I don't mean to be rude or condescending, but what led you to believe you were in any type of relationship with her? Did you two actually talk about this, and she did she in fact agree to be your partner? It's just so bizarre for you to believe you were together when she obviously did not. Can you give us some context?

[spawn]

Who the hell says "lol" when they tell their partner they cheated on them.

She thinks your relationship is a joke. You have nothing to gain from

talking to a person like her. Please move on.

 

Probably the same kind of person who thinks an online relationship with someone in ANOTHER COUNTRY on ANOTHER CONTINENT with a person they've never met is an actual relationship.

 

The OP sounds like a lonely person. He should go buy a puppy or something.

[Chi townD]

Dude, move on. Cancel your trip or change the ticket to somewhere else and have a blast.

 

You thought you were in a exclusive relationship and she didn't. Or, perhaps she was freaking out about you coming to see her, so she sabotaged the relationship to stop you from coming.

 

I would say that she was successful.

 

She doesn't regret what she's done and therefore, doesn't care that she hurt you. That's not the way to start a relationship.

 

Move on dude.

[SunnySide0418]

What am I missing here?? All these posts about "relationships" with people whom have never even met!!! I just don't get it. How can you say you "love" someone when you have never even been in the same room with them? It's really loving what you hope it will be like ... I don't get it

[Zeroes]

How old are you guys? I get the impression this girl is immature or just doesn't take it seriously.

 

Who the hell says "Lol" when confessing they've slept with someone else?

Have you two agreed to exclusivity?

 

You sound emotionally invested in this girl, but it doesn't seem apparent the feeling is mutual, and you two haven't even met yet.

 

Be very careful...

[stewartbig87]

I don't think this "relationship" is going to work. You're too fixated on someone you haven't met (I would go so far as to say delusional). You both should be dating around until you've actually met and mutually agree to be exclusive.

 

Hmm. I guess you're right. It sounds like I'm more invested and fixated than she is. I'm not entirely delusional, just a bit dumb. Perhaps she thinks the same way as you and would only expect normal dating behaviour after we meet.

 

Move on from her, block her from your life.

 

She doesn't feel the same way about you.

 

Come to the UK in May, just don't visit her

 

I did find it a bit hurtful. I might just cancel my trip to the UK because as much as I believe I'm strong willed I'll probably end up saying something like 'I'm here so I may as well see her.'

 

It's done. She is not interested in you. Get a refund if you can or change the destination and plan for something for you.

 

BTW...

 

"...have been together for a while now."

 

You haven't been together at all. Entirely cyber relationship. You don't know her from Jane. I would never get involved in a LDR with someone that I had not met and had a relationship, in person, for some time. Find someone local.

 

I've tried dating locally and I've just not had any luck. I like the idea of a LDR and until now I found it was pretty good with her. I understand I should've phrased that differently but what may work for you (local relationships) may not work for me.

 

It's evident that there was never a "relationship" to begin with. And the fact that she feels no remorse for her action can only indicate that she had no concept of any ramifications that this may bring upon her. And without airing the obvious, she had no regards for your feelings, and even if she did apologize it still does not change the fact that she betrayed you. Move along, she clearly was never worth your investment. Take that trip to go elsewhere, do a little bit of soul searching. On a positive note, the relationship didn't develop into anything further than a LDR which of course plays in your favor.

 

I agree, it seems I viewed this relationship as something else than she did. I am drafting up what I wish to say to her if we end up parting ways. I'm glad it was only an LDR too since the financial investment isn't as strong. However I'm pretty emotionally invested and would love to resolve this.

 

Online relationships are completely different than "real life relationships"

 

In fact, online relationships are more similar to "game play/fantasy/mrpg" because you never actually know if the person behind the screen is who they say they are (or gender) or if they are single/married. People can pretend to be anyone they want online and give out whatever impression they want to achieve.

 

Real Life relationships not just require physical contact, but also having to deal with each other's personality habits. Someone who is great at IM Chatting, can be completely annoying in real life.

 

I understand this completely. We've skyped and other face to face things so I know she's a real person. I don't know her habits so yeah it could annoy me, but I'm willing to make concessions on things like that. This however I don't think I am.

 

Who the hell says "lol" when they tell their partner they cheated on them.

She thinks your relationship is a joke. You have nothing to gain from

talking to a person like her. Please move on.

 

I felt that way as well, I even brought it up. Apparently it was because she felt 'awkward' delivering the news. I told her it was stupid.

 

She think its OK to sleep with other men.

+

She told you "you have no right to say anything in that matter"

=

She is not in a commited relationship with you. Period.

 

I agree. What does she see in me then? Why am I still in her life if I mean little to her?

 

Agreed.

 

It's sad because it's so clear that you two had very different ideas about what this relationship meant. For you, it was serious. For her, it was not. It sounds as though she saw you more like someone to have fun and chat with, not someone with whom she'd have a future. Be glad you know all of this before making any life-changing decisions (like moving abroad) for a person you have never met.

 

OP, I don't mean to be rude or condescending, but what led you to believe you were in any type of relationship with her? Did you two actually talk about this, and she did she in fact agree to be your partner? It's just so bizarre for you to believe you were together when she obviously did not. Can you give us some context?

 

I think we did actually have different ideas of how the relationship should go but we played a dance around the subject. I don't consider it rude so don't fret, I believe I'm in a relationship due to the amount of time we spend and how much we talk. Whether for her I'm just a male confident or not I do not know. She never actually told me that she loved me which could be good indications that I'm far more invested than her.

 

Probably the same kind of person who thinks an online relationship with someone in ANOTHER COUNTRY on ANOTHER CONTINENT with a person they've never met is an actual relationship.

 

The OP sounds like a lonely person. He should go buy a puppy or something.

 

Thanks, great second post. Kicking somebody when they're down.

 

Dude, move on. Cancel your trip or change the ticket to somewhere else and have a blast.

 

You thought you were in a exclusive relationship and she didn't. Or, perhaps she was freaking out about you coming to see her, so she sabotaged the relationship to stop you from coming.

 

I would say that she was successful.

 

She doesn't regret what she's done and therefore, doesn't care that she hurt you. That's not the way to start a relationship.

 

Move on dude.

 

The sabotage thing is actually a really good point. She's got a history of failed relationships which I've never really inquired about but I have a feeling they're all about the same in the way that she gets scared and just messes up to get out without having the nerve to break up.

 

What am I missing here?? All these posts about "relationships" with people whom have never even met!!! I just don't get it. How can you say you "love" someone when you have never even been in the same room with them? It's really loving what you hope it will be like ... I don't get it

 

I feel very strongly about them I guess. Maybe I'm more of a LDR kind of guy. Don't get me wrong, I don't just fall head over heels for anyone but I know that what I feel for her isn't just plain old lust and that I truly care about them.

 

How old are you guys? I get the impression this girl is immature or just doesn't take it seriously.

 

Who the hell says "Lol" when confessing they've slept with someone else?

Have you two agreed to exclusivity?

 

You sound emotionally invested in this girl, but it doesn't seem apparent the feeling is mutual, and you two haven't even met yet.

 

Be very careful...

 

I'm 22, she is 23. No we haven't actually agreed to exclusivity, I suppose I thought it went without saying. She told me she used the word 'lol' because she felt bad about breaking the news to me. I do seem to be more invested in this than she is, or at least I'm invested in a different way.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for all the replies, so far this is what I've taken from this :

 

I'm too involved for a LDR. Perhaps even a case of 'Too fast' which could be prompting her to sabotage the relationship to get out of it.

 

We (her and I) have different opinions on how a LDR should go. Clearly I'm not okay with what she has done and she has basically told me to deal with it.

 

I should break it off because I am investing too much, and she is investing too little.

 

I'm going to talk to her and explain that I think we view LDRs differently. I will ask her whether or not she would be willing to compromise with me and pay more respect to our relationship in exchange for me slowing down and not pushing her out her comfort zone. If she's not willing to move past the 'very close online friends and a non-committed relationship' then I will cut my losses and move on.

[pickflicker]

You've never met her in person? Sorry, but as far as I'm concerned, if you haven't met in person, it's not a real relationship. A friendship, yes, but not a relationship. And since you're both single, she can sleep with whomever she wants.

 

Do NOT move permanently overseas for someone you haven't met. You need to visit a few times, they need to visit you, you need to meet each others families, and after that, then you decide if you want to move permanently. You're in for a world of hurt if you up sticks for someone you've never met.

[pickflicker]

Who the hell says "lol" when they tell their partner they cheated on them.

She thinks your relationship is a joke. You have nothing to gain from

talking to a person like her. Please move on.

 

She didn't cheat on him. He believed the relationship was something more than it was. Unfortunately, he's the one with egg on his face, not her.

[No Limit]

Your post makes me believe that you were the only one in this relationship. Why she'd lead you on and didn't tell you that she didn't feel the same way about you before it built up is beyond me. On the other hand, there are very insensitive human beings walking this planet who barely notice what's going on around them. Maybe you've got one of those.

 

If you still feel like visiting her for a few "experiences" (if the hint wasn't strong enough, SEX) then go on. But don't move, don't call it a relationship anymore and to be honest I wouldn't stay for a full month either. Maybe a week or so.

 

She's basically already said all you have to know - she wants to try things out and have 'adventures'. Although if you don't feel like sleeping with her because of the high chance of getting STDs I don't see the point of even visiting her. Keep her as chat buddy when you're bored, but that's about it.

[tlegend]

I'm going to be curt with you.

 

You haven't ever met this person in real life.

She is at least honest...but sleeping with other guys.

 

Maybe you should just find someone that is .....accessible and a little more respectful of your feelings and boundaries?

 

I think trying anything with this girl is just going to result in frustration from beating your head against a wall trying to figure out why she doesn't have the same values as you.

 

Best of luck.

[Darren Steez]

 

I'm going to talk to her and explain that I think we view LDRs differently. I will ask her whether or not she would be willing to compromise with me and pay more respect to our relationship in exchange for me slowing down and not pushing her out her comfort zone. If she's not willing to move past the 'very close online friends and a non-committed relationship' then I will cut my losses and move on.

 

Eh? She's screwing other people and you're going to "ask" her to "compromise" and "respect" your relationship? I'm sorry but I nearly bust out laughing there.

 

A) Respect should be a given. If she felt anything for you she wouldn't have done it. Period

 

B) You should not have to ask her to do anything. There shouldn't be compromise or her paying you more attention. This should happen naturally.

 

Why are you fighting to create something that is not there? The fact you want these LDRs, should be a red flag to yourself. The fact that a girl is clearly screwing other people and doesn't care that you know but still you want to ask her to "respect" your relationship speaks volumes.

 

Go find a girl closer to home. Saves a lot of heartache.

[pteromom]

She absolutely DID cheat. It doesn't matter if they hadn't met, they were still in a relationship, the OP never said they weren't. He never said he merely assumed they were, so no.

 

Actually, that is exactly what he said:

 

"No we haven't actually agreed to exclusivity, I suppose I thought it went without saying."

So they had never had any discussion that they were exclusive. You gotta have that discussion before assuming the other person is on the same page. That's Dating 101.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry, I find this bunk and not a good excuse. This man was planning to move to another continent for her, already had the tickets bought, etc. I'm sorry, but I don't feel he was wrong to feel they were exclusive by that point. When she agreed he should move there..I mean, granted maybe they never specifically said "do not bang any guys" but I feel it kind of goes without saying at the point where he is moving to another continent for you.

 

It's one thing if they talked about it and she said they weren't exclusive, but I'm sorry..she cheated on him. They never said they were exclusive? Ok, they never said it was ok to be sleeping with other people though either. So in this case, she doesn't get a pass on a lame technicality. What kind of world are we living in when a guy who is moving to another continent for his girlfriend has to clarify to her she can't sleep around?

 

I'm wondering if she actually agreed to that, though. Maybe I missed something in the post/thread, but that may have been his idea, not something she agreed to or encouraged.

 

OP, can you clarify? Did you discuss moving there with her, and what did she say about that?