Unresolved issues affecting me bad

[xxsilverdragonxx]

I'm thinking about initiating a meeting with my ex. I want to break NC and get whatever I am feeling out of me. I don't completely understand it, but I just wrote a page to myself trying to help me get a hold of what I am feeling, and well, it isn't working. I just want to be able to communicate my feelings to her without f*cking up. I'm not trying to "win" her back. I don't really care what she feels she has to say to me. I want to see if she will pay me back the money she owes me, doubtful. And thats it. I'll have to say a few things about the relationship, but nothing that will make me appear to be seeking pity; It will have to be a PERSONAL conversation. Thats gonna be hard seeing how its been 3.5 months since the breakup, and I have not said anything regarding us personally to her.

 

I anticipate I will have problems talking to her, and I fear that the situation is going to cause me to have a panic attack, at which point I won't be able to speak and will appear to be a statue. So what I need first is confidence, then I guess a detailed mental list of what needs to be said. The second I lose organization, I won't be able to effectively communicate with her about anything, including the gd weather.

 

Any situation that puts me in a heightened emotional state will usually trigger a panic or anxiety attack, even though I take meds for it. Once I get through this, I think I won't be bothered anymore, and all I really want to do is move on and have no unresolved issues that matter to me.

 

I just don't want go in and not be able to say anything I planned on, or else I will just regret it later, and probably try the meeting thing again, just to continue the cycle.

 

This will be the hardest thing I have done since our relationship ended. I want it to really be my last, and as long as I get across to her what I have stuck in my head, all should be well.

 

I've never said this on LS before, but I think its time.

 

HELP. Please.

[alphamale]

Forget about the money, unless you have something stating in writing that it was not a gift but a loan then you cannot recoup it.

 

I would forget this whole thing of contacting her cause of what you would have to go thru to do it. If it is going to cause an extraordinary amt of anxiety and panic then it is not worth it.

 

The energy and time would be better spent moving on and looking for someone new in my opinion.

[xxsilverdragonxx]

I don't care about the money. This is an issue of proving my integrity to myself. The contact will hurt, but will make me stronger, and will "tie up loose ends" in the mental department. This is energy that I would be spending on myself.

 

Has anyone done this and actually came away feeling better? Those would be the ideal people to get input from.

[xxsilverdragonxx]

Thought it over during lunch and after reading a few posts on here. Maybe I am too eager to get over this, so I am not allowing the time to heal. Does anyone see any good in me seeing the ex???

 

But to further comment on my thread, I feel all this confusion about where me and my ex stand.

 

Sometimes I laugh at the person she has become, sometimes I get a little anger and let it fly to anyone who is around me. Othertimes when I am out with my friends I have the time of my life, acting like a free-spirit again, her not even grazing my mind.

 

But what I notice still, is that I can't go on this merry-go-round forever. I am hoping it will all pan out in time, like the pain, the confusion, the loss, the balance, the stupid ideas.....but I can't or won't forget some of the things that has happened.

 

Right now I'm just lost, not in the relationship world, but in my life. I tried to plan it out, but only realized that planning just sets you up for many more falling downs. Sometimes I think I'm heading in the right direction and then I'll hit a deadend.

 

I don't even know what feelings I still harbor for her.

[KaiaMahina]

Looks to me like you may be on a merry-go-round, but despite the fact that it's going in a circle, you're still 2/3 of the way home.

 

You said that you spend some time "laughing at the person she's become", some time being angry, and some time being a "free spirit" during which she doesn't enter your mind. That's 3 segments of time, and 2 of those segments are essentially light-hearted. So, you're 2/3 of the way home to being you without her and having your s**t together again. I'd say that's not too shabby.

 

I would forget about contacting her, as alphamale advised. I realize you're seeking to "tie up loose ends" but we as human beings live have to cope on a daily basis with loose ends. We still don't know what the hell happened to Amelia Earhart, for example. Not only that, we don't know why we're here in the first place, or where we go (if anywhere) when we die. And we don't know which came first, the chicken or the egg. Lotta loose ends out there, some of them far more cosmic and personal than why your ex did/said/thought what she did/said/thought.

 

Ain't worth the heartache in finding out. And it ain't worth getting back on the dark horse on the merry go round when you've come so far.

[moon]

I am almost at the three month mark of my last relationship ending. I think around this time things do get hard again for the time being. In the beginning you have the initial shock that the relationship ended, then you cope with that, then you sort of let that go.........but then for me, at this point, now that I don't have any dreams or desires of a reconciliation, the hurt that I experienced does come creaping back to haunt me in subtle ways. I think this is also because around now we are thinking to ourselves I'd like to date somebody else, but will they do to me what my ex did and then you (or I) start to feel sort of branded...........Like do I have to tell my future bf about this, what will the reaction be.....Then the anger comes back towards my ex for doing this to me (left me for another girl).

 

It's like another layer of hurt opens up. I guess in these situations it's like peeling back the layers of an onion. It gets harder as you get deeper into it. But I'm off to my therapy session now. I guess I'll bring that up.

 

In regards to contacting your ex.....well I did that recently. I called on Christmas, two months after the relationship ended, he wrote me an e-mail and told me to call him again. I realized I could not call him. I himed and hawed about it for almost two weeks and then finally sent an e-mail outlining my hurt and telling him I was letting it go. The bastard didn't even have the nerve to respond. That was maybe ten days ago. Now I sort of feel like one of these chicks who is so forgiving and again being taken advantage of.. AND we aren't even dating anymore. So I say write the letter if you want, (I wouldn't use the phone) and then accept that it might hurt you more in the end. I am not saying I hurt more than before, but it just opens up sort of new hurts when you contact them. I guess I feel better than before I contacted him because yes for me the break up left me hanging. I still don't even know if my ex did in fact go out with this new women he hinted he'd be pursuing (he didn't tell this to me, he said it to another mutual friend). But I guess it becomes pretty obvious that he is dating her. I wish that relationship would crumble (see there's some more anger). I might just be having a bad day today.

 

So anyway, contact at your own risk. It might move you back to square one or it might push you forward. It is a risk.

[ion]

The emotional fact that you need to 'contact' her to get closure in your case is problematic. Hasn't it happened a few times already since your breakup?

 

If you want to say goodbye to her which it sounds more likely, write her a letter saying that. You can tell her even though it has been a while, something recently changed for you and you needed to express it.

 

If you're wanting to break NC to find out how she is, why she did what she did, or where she is at *right now*, those are in my opinion the wrong reasons to do it.

 

If you really want to close all outstanding issues between you, a good thing would be to email her asking about the money...if she responds in a civil manner, it's a pretty good indication of what would happen with the other statements you want to make with her.

 

Good luck!