Post Break-Up: Delete from Facebook and other social media?

[Zapbasket]

My ex, K., and I are still friends on FB nearly six months post-break-up, and four since there has been any communication between us. Additionally, I am FB friends with his mother, with whom I still keep in touch (at her initiation), and his sister, who still "likes" my FB posts. K and I also are connected on LinkedIn. And, we live in a small town, 5 minutes down the road from one another. We do not have any significant mutual friends (some superficial mutual "friends" on FB, but that's it).

 

I admit that I am having a hard time dealing with the aftermath of this breakup. It was a difficult relationship, one I'm realizing I probably should have left much sooner, and I'm in therapy looking at my relationship habits and how past experiences have shaped them. In short, I'm going through a very rough, lonely time.

 

I admit, also, that I am being a bit obsessive about trying to keep tabs on my ex. When I drive down the road, I pass by his apartment and I can see when his lights are on; I feel compelled to look. I also look at FB chat and see when he was online last, and I'll try to figure out what he might be up to. I do not discuss him with his mother when we talk, or ask her about him, though sometimes she volunteers information and I just listen and try not to comment because I don't want her to know how much I am still hurting. I read his Facebook posts. I look to see who he's friended. I look at LinkedIn, anonymously, to see any new connections or profile edits.

 

I realize that all this checking-up is not healthy and not helping me move forward. At the same time, where I am in my grieving right now I feel like I can't help checking up on him, as a way to try to solve some of my confusion about our relationship. I feel cheated that he fought me ALL THE TIME, seemingly just to be contrary, just to make me the enemy in some story that he built about his life and relationships that long preceded my entry in his life. I feel cheated and confused that he put in little effort and then just kind-of dropped out, without clarifying what he was thinking or feeling and again, without joining heads with me to try to work on our relationship problems together. I feel confused and cheated that the whole time we dated he never went anywhere, never introduced me to any friends that live in our area--presumably because he didn't have any locally but when I see or somehow glean that he's out, it gets my mind spinning with hurt and confusion. I want answers and I know I won't get them from him since he emailed me refusing any further communication, and I have honored that. I do feel deeply confused because even though the dynamic between us was borderline abusive and I don't think I'd ever want to go back to him, at the same time there were some good qualities and it felt like we had a connection and I'm left wondering whether it was all a fabrication in my mind, whether he really was into me and us, or whether indeed as my therapist says he just is not capable of a healthy, intimate relationship and I only chose him because the dynamic was familiar to that with my abusive, emotionally stunted and withholding step-father growing up.

 

Sorry this is so long-winded. I'm considering trying to stop some of this madness by deleting him, his mother, and his sister from FB, as well as any mutual friends that are "friends" in name only, and deleting him from LinkedIn. But I fear that if I do that, it's not necessarily going to stop my current compulsion to seek answers by trying to figure out what he's up to. After all, even if I cut him of from FB and LinkedIn, there's still the internet, and he still lives just down the road from me and has a very distinctive vehicle that I can spot instantly on the road or in front of a store or restaurant. The other issue is that because I'm still fairly socially isolated despite my continual efforts to put myself out there and meet new people, I spend a lot of time on the internet to assuage my loneliness. Not so much during the day, but in the evenings. And this whole breakup is so much on my mind, and I'm so confused and hurt, that I feel I can't trust myself to resist the urge to spend time trying to look him up any way I can.

 

Please don't say anything harsh or insulting in response to this. I know what I'm doing is unhealthy, and I'm trying to find a way to get past this stage. One "pro" to deleting him from FB is that I fear he will delete me eventually, and in fact I'm surprised that he hasn't already since it's obvious he doesn't intend to speak to me. Unless...and then I get my hopes up. It's not because I want to get back with him; I just want him to decide not to be a coward and face me and honor the time we spent together, and the involvement and bond with his family, and what I thought was a bond between us (that he said many times he felt), by not hiding behind an email and actually facing me. I realize even this is dumb, because if he couldn't show up IN the relationship, why should I expect him to show up AFTER it to do the right, present, mature thing?

 

I know this will pass eventually but I'm trying to figure out what I can do to aid the movement through the thicket of hurt, confusion, tangled feelings, feeling of abandonment and feeling used and cheated, the dashed (false?) hopes, all of it. I think if I had more social support locally in the form of close friends I could confide in and spend time with, here where I live, it would help, but alas I do not have that and no one here has any idea how much I am affected by this. To them I seem perfectly fine, albeit a bit tired and run down due to chronic sleeplessness.

 

Any thoughts on how I can get through this? Will cutting off all social media connections help, or is it just a futile exercise as long as this compulsion to try to get answers by trying to "monitor" what he's up to is still so acute in me? Thanks.

[whichwayisup]

Do it now. Cut him, his sister and his mom off of your facebook and block him too. Delete him off your LinkedIn, and block him on there as well. Then go have a cry about it.

 

Each day change your routine, when you feel the urge to snoop coming on, call a friend, put on music, have a shower, do something different instead of googling. You need to be really tough on yourself and want to move on. NC means also doing NC online too.

 

Try your best when out, not to 'look' for his car. If you run into someone who knows him, don't ask about him. If someone mentions him to you, ask them nicely to not speak of him that you're still getting over the break up and it's best for you not to know anything about it. It'll probably take a bit of time to get used to ridding of that snooping habit, but you'll feel so much better and have some control back.

 

Hope this helps.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks for responding, WWIW. It's painful and embarrassing for me to admit, but I'm trying to be really honest here, principally, honest with myself...and truth is, I don't think I'm capable of doing what you suggest right now. I feel like the full cold-turkey cut-off is too much for me to handle, right now. His vehicle, for example, is impossible to miss, whether I'm "looking" for it or not. Every time I leave my house I feel wary of encountering him. I feel relieved when I know he's out of town.

 

It's so confusing, WWIW: this relationship has affected me more than any other I've been in. There's just this awful turmoil of feelings--confusion and hurt and love (and then that feels confusing because intellectually I recognize that he really didn't treat me all that well); I feel really broken down. It's so confusing because as you know, from having read and responded to my earlier threads on this relationship, somehow this man and this relationship really had me in its grips. And I still don't fully understand it.

 

Anyway, I want so badly to do what you suggest, but I fear it's too much...and once it's done, there's no going back...but I can only rely on my own resolve to stop glancing up at his window or checking up on him online in other ways. And I can't trust my resolve right now, I feel. It's taking all my resolve and strength to cope with the way he slithered out of this relationship.

 

I'm not proud to have to admit this. I'm very alarmed and confused by how this is affecting me.

[newmoon]

have you gone out on a date since the split? the first thing I did when my bf and I split 6 months ago was date like a madwoman. I had a new date every week for maybe 2 months. signed up for a dating site and that helped me get over him immensely. you have to move on, for your own mental health. and cutting off all contact with him/his family/friends is a must, and so is changing your number if you haven't already. go on a date, really. it's very helpful for showing you that other men exist, other men have nice® qualities, and that there are other people out there that can love and appreciate you. when we're dumped and/or badly hurt our self-esteem suffers a lot and you need to get it back somehow. by 6 months you should be well beyond him and well on the road to recovery unless it was a marriage or engagement or a really long relationship.

[not-so-sure]

Thanks for responding, WWIW. It's painful and embarrassing for me to admit, but I'm trying to be really honest here, principally, honest with myself...and truth is, I don't think I'm capable of doing what you suggest right now. I feel like the full cold-turkey cut-off is too much for me to handle, right now. His vehicle, for example, is impossible to miss, whether I'm "looking" for it or not. Every time I leave my house I feel wary of encountering him. I feel relieved when I know he's out of town.

 

It's so confusing, WWIW: this relationship has affected me more than any other I've been in. There's just this awful turmoil of feelings--confusion and hurt and love (and then that feels confusing because intellectually I recognize that he really didn't treat me all that well); I feel really broken down. It's so confusing because as you know, from having read and responded to my earlier threads on this relationship, somehow this man and this relationship really had me in its grips. And I still don't fully understand it.

 

Anyway, I want so badly to do what you suggest, but I fear it's too much...and once it's done, there's no going back...but I can only rely on my own resolve to stop glancing up at his window or checking up on him online in other ways. And I can't trust my resolve right now, I feel. It's taking all my resolve and strength to cope with the way he slithered out of this relationship.

 

I'm not proud to have to admit this. I'm very alarmed and confused by how this is affecting me.

 

I still feel like I'm recovering from my affair, but I can tell you I was far worse when all those little lights were blinking when she came online and went offline (Facebook, gmail, g+). Trust me, muster up the strength and at least turn off fb chat for that person and remove them from your feed. That's one small step. You'll miss seeing that for a few days but then you'll realise that not knowing when he's online or updating his timeline is liberating. It was hard for me to do because I felt such a strong connection with her. It was killing me. And it sounds like it's doing the same to you.

[Zapbasket]

Trust me, muster up the strength and at least turn off fb chat for that person and remove them from your feed. That's one small step. You'll miss seeing that for a few days but then you'll realise that not knowing when he's online or updating his timeline is liberating.

 

So...is it liberating, really, the not knowing? Tell me this: are you a person who prefers knowing the full truth of a situation, or a person who would prefer not having to confront the truth?

 

I'm one of those types who would rather know the full truth even though it feels like it might kill me. I'd rather see the whole carnage of a situation splattered out before me, even if it makes me sick at first. Because at least then I know. I'm like that in my relationships, too: I want full disclosure from others, complete honesty. Only then do I feel like I have a hope of getting a handle on a situation.

 

I know that many people are NOT like that, which is why I'm asking you where you fall on the spectrum.

 

If K is dating someone, I want to know. If he's sleeping around, I would rather know than not. If he truly has no intention of ever reaching out to me ever again for as long as we live, I would rather know it in full, and NOW. If a friend where I live sees K out with a woman, or finds out something he feels or thinks in relation to me, even if it's really hurtful and negative I'd want that friend to tell me rather than protect me from the truth.

 

I think this is why in part I'm compulsively pursuing answers. I feel like I've become a CIA agent...or like I should become one, since I obviously have copious obsessional resources to piece together tiny snippets of information into all kinds of grand theories.

 

This is why I fear that cutting myself off from this "information" WON'T feel liberating. I'm open to any logic or experience that suggests the contrary and would love to know your thoughts in response to this.

[CapturedMemories]

Hi,

 

Excuse me for possible bad English as it's not my first language

 

But wow GreenCove, I recognize so much in your personality especially the part where you said ''I rather be hit with the truth'' than the unknowing.

 

I am exactly the same although my situation differs alot. I'm recently going through a break up, it was a tough relationship (long distance). So basically one of the few ways we keep/kept in touch was mostly Facebook.

 

I got dumped out of the blue. When the decision was final, I cut him off immediately, including his Mom, two sisters and cousin I was in touch with. Erased everything. With pain but let your mind speak instead of the heart. for your own sake.

 

It's a dilemma really, because when I look deep into myself...I gather strength from the harsh truth and brutal honesty. That was me though, this is the 2nd time I'm being dumped. The first time was the love of my life, it got me depressed called off sick at work for a week, 2nd week was zombie mode, off work, home, sleep, until friends literally had to drag me out of bed. I had his phonenumber kept his messages, everything. I even got remember whenever there was a roadsign containing his first letter..He was family of relatives, I kept asking how he's been. Until at one point I thought this is it, had enough of pain. I turned my life upside down, and went fulltime back to education. I threw myself 200% on it. About 1,5 year later I got a card from him how I was doing. I knew then I was over it. It didn't do me anything or had me moving at all, just a quick memory of what was. Note that I was young though 23yr old.

 

I'm wondering if it could be you're unconsciously creating a mechanism for future purposes or some sort of shield? If you know what I mean? I always thought having a grip on that situation would solve it, but it won't. You'll end up in the same circle, a downwards spiral. Don't do that to yourself look out for #1 thats you. Don't be afraid of the future, allow yourself some peace and go with the flow. Even if it's so hard to not be able to ''snoop'' in his life. It is difficult but it will make your mental health stable.

 

I was madly in love with this man, but hurt is eventually going to own you. When it should be the other way around.

 

I hope this makes sense though.

[not-so-sure]

So...is it liberating, really, the not knowing? Tell me this: are you a person who prefers knowing the full truth of a situation, or a person who would prefer not having to confront the truth?

 

I'm one of those types who would rather know the full truth even though it feels like it might kill me. I'd rather see the whole carnage of a situation splattered out before me, even if it makes me sick at first. Because at least then I know. I'm like that in my relationships, too: I want full disclosure from others, complete honesty. Only then do I feel like I have a hope of getting a handle on a situation.

 

I know that many people are NOT like that, which is why I'm asking you where you fall on the spectrum.

 

If K is dating someone, I want to know. If he's sleeping around, I would rather know than not. If he truly has no intention of ever reaching out to me ever again for as long as we live, I would rather know it in full, and NOW. If a friend where I live sees K out with a woman, or finds out something he feels or thinks in relation to me, even if it's really hurtful and negative I'd want that friend to tell me rather than protect me from the truth.

 

I think this is why in part I'm compulsively pursuing answers. I feel like I've become a CIA agent...or like I should become one, since I obviously have copious obsessional resources to piece together tiny snippets of information into all kinds of grand theories.

 

This is why I fear that cutting myself off from this "information" WON'T feel liberating. I'm open to any logic or experience that suggests the contrary and would love to know your thoughts in response to this.

 

There's knowledge, and there's torturing yourself.

 

The logic is this. This person has exited your life. They're gone. Why do you *need* to know all this stuff? That person is no longer "yours" and is free to do what they wish. That person is now no more relevant to you than the cashier who processes your groceries.

 

Now I know it's not *quite* like that but that's where you need to get. I felt the same way you did. Then I realised I had to wake up and take responsibility for my own happiness. How does obsessing over this stuff help you?

 

All you do by wanting to know this stuff is keep putting yourself through the wringer. Your first post even acknowledges it. It's not helpful. It's far better for you to try and release those thoughts and move on.

 

And yes it is liberating. By turning that sh*t off it stops being a constant reminder and you can turn your mind to something else. I felt the urge to turn all that stuff back on again but after a week or so it became one less thing to worry about.

 

FWIW, my counsellor (who I was about to dump) finally put me on to something called ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Look it up. It might help.

 

It basically says, you're going to have all these thoughts, ruminations, and so on. Rather than trying to combat them ACT encourages you to acknowledge and accept those thoughts, but acknowledge them as thoughts and no more, let them do their thing. I can't explain it in a few sentences here, but I'm finding it helpful. I still have many of the same thoughts I had before but now I can say "ah, that's an affair thought" and let it move around in the background while I try and stay connected with the present. It doesn't always work, but it has improved me, as much as it can under the circumstances.

[Haydn]

Block today.

[sunshinegirl]

If he truly has no intention of ever reaching out to me ever again for as long as we live, I would rather know it in full, and NOW.

 

GC, get ahold of yourself here. Re-read what you wrote. You will never know the answer to this question until your last breath on earth and if you spend the rest of your life wondering and waiting (and hoping), I hope it's obvious to you that you will never move on and you will that will quite literally waste your entire life. Don't be that girl.

 

Why don't you just ASSUME it, and get on with things?