NC for two months, and still not over her?

[MBAFGE]

(I'm 20, male. She was 19. I posted about this a few months ago)

 

I know this isn't "technically" a breakup (even though I see it as), and I apologize for the length in advance, but please read it.

 

I met a girl in June of 2013. Fell in love. Hard. She was absolutely perfect for me (not just looks. If I wrote a list of a dream partner, she would be it down to the letter. Personality, interests, goals, beliefs... she was literally like the female version of me. And even arbitrary things like hair color preference, body type, etc) I've never had a girlfriend, and she never had a boyfriend. It seems like fate or something (even though I never believed in fate or destiny or that crap). We met at a mutual friend's graduation party in June, and (yes, I know how corny this sounds), I fell in love at first sight. Not just looks, something was special about her. We spent the whole night secluded talking around a fire, she even asked for my phone number.

 

A month passes, we sent 700 texts in that time. We went out to breakfast once just us two, but I honestly couldn't tell if this was friendship or not. I flat out asked her her and she said she saw me as a close friend. She does not date. I am a wonderful guy, but she had too much going on in her life. (she confined personal information to me she had anxiety and that always turned people away. Our mutual friend didn't even know, yet she told me then. I told her I will always be there if she needs help and she said I have no idea what that meant to her). Also, she didn't want to 'waste the best years of her life in something serious'. After a month of NC after that, she comes back to me, asking for us to hang out again. We become friends and I try to work past my feelings for her, because she (feelings aside) rapidly became one of my best friends.

 

We stay friends from that time in August all the way to November of 2013 (a few months ago), but I fell in love harder during that. Eventually (to your guys advice), I called her late November and said that I couldn't be just friends. I cared too much about her and that it wasn't fair to either of us that I would always being around, wanting something she wasn't offering. She said that I was being so respectful and kind to her that she totally understood (despite that she kind of was crying on the phone a bit). She wasn't angry at all, and totally understood where I was coming from. I told her she didn't do anything wrong, and such. But it wasn't fair she would constantly having a guy around saying "Does she like me yet?" I told her of the Christmas gift I got for her (it being three weeks before Christmas).

 

The gift was a relic from our brief childhood together. At our friend's party, we discovered we actually went to elementary school together, very briefly. Two years, third and fourth grade. She was in the other class (there being two classes of each grade). One of our classes was a "current event" type thing. Each week, a student had to bring in a newspaper article, do a report on it, and present it infront of the class. Best one from each class went against each other (one from each home room), and the winner won a trophy and a stuffed whale (it being called the "Orca awards"). I won the whole contest and turns out she was my opponent. We were shocked that we shared that, and she always joked that I "ruined her childhood" for stealing it from her. So what I did was I spend days researching and finding both the articles we used in the presentation, and had them framed. And I found the whale in my house (it being in pristine condition). I told her that I was going to give her the framed articles and whale for Christmas (because now that we met 10 years later, we joked we now had "joint custody" of the whale). She was absolutely dumbfounded hearing that. Saying that is the nicest thing anyone has done for her. But I still went through with it (to your guys advice, as well as my own friends) and ended our friendship, saying our goodbyes on the phone.

 

Until the next day. She texts me asking if she could call. She texts me saying that she wanted to give it a shot. I was very confused and asked her what she meant. She bluntly said "I want to go on a date with you". I was elated. A week later, I pick her up at her house, she introduces me to her parents, and we go out to dinner. We finished eating in a half hour but stayed in the restaurant for another hour and a half talking and having a great time. It was right before Christmas, so she gave me a gift on the way there (hot chocolate and two mugs packet type thing). I was working on her for months, and told her was almost finished). I walk her to her door, kiss her on the cheek (yeah, I know. I chickened out. Shut up. I've never kissed a girl before), and said I'd love to do it again. She agreed. Success! She even told me she wanted to go see a movie with me as well. She planned the second date?! Yes!

 

Didn't see her for a few days because of Christmas preparation and work for both of us. So I visited her at work unannounced and give her hot chocolate (it being winter, she mentioned her workplace is cold sometimes). She was shocked and loved my gesture. We talked for a bit and decided someday that week (it being a week or two before Christmas) I'd drop off her Christmas gift to her house. She walked me outside when I was leaving and she kissed me on the cheek. I was beyond words. I said I'd call her sometime this week to confirm a day. She texted me that night thanking me again and said how her coworkers gave her **** for a boy visiting her at work. She said it was because they "aren't used to me liking boys". Basically confirming she liked me (in my eyes at least).

 

I called that week and we were on the phone for a good hour, talking about nothing. I was so happy. We decided the next day (about two days after my birthday), I would drop off her Christmas gift before she went to work in the morning.

 

I felt odd giving just a gift she already knew about (the shock being gone now) so I got something else. I got a box of expensive chocolate she liked, as well as a small crystal ornament with her first name's first letter on it. Just small things, not a big deal. But I also spent a long time digging and remembered that one person at the party we met at took a single photo of us two together at the fire when we first met, and were secluded from everyone else (literally everyone at the party thought she was into me, and visa versa. Even our mutual friend who introduced us to each other. It being very evident to everyone she was flirting and something would come of this) . I got in contact with that person, got the one photo, fixed it up in Photoshop, and framed it. So for Christmas, I gave her the whale, articles, ornament, chocolate, and the surprise of the framed photo of us (I told her there was a surprise in it, it being the photo). I got to her house, gave her the gift (it all in one box). She loved it, but her reaction wasn't as awesome I was hoping for. I thought it was because she was stressed about going to work in a little bit. She (only) hugged me, thanking me, and I left because she had to get ready for work. I kissed her goodbye (cheek again... it felt off to go for the lips then).

 

She texts me that night asking if she could call me. She did from work before I went to work myself, saying that she didn't know how to tell me, but she just isn't ready for a boyfriend. I am the nicest, sweetest, and most thoughtful guy she's met, but she doesn't have time for a boyfriend (her being so involved with school, clubs, two jobs, internship, and her anxiety). And the gift today made her come out with it, and she felt so bad hurting me. She never wanted to. I understood, and she said she still really wants to be friends. I told her, like last time, I cared about her too much and my feelings wouldn't go away. Eventually (whether I like it or not), she would date someone else, and I could not see that. It would kill me. I've tried working past my feelings and couldn't. I said since I couldn't change her mind, and she didn't like me how I cared for her (I never used the word "love" on her), she would date someone else. And same thing as last time, I will always want more and she doesn't, and that's not fair to her (I guess you sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's when you're in love). It was a very mature and respectful conversation and she understood completely again. We said our goodbyes permanently this time, and hung up. I was absolutely heartbroken.

 

A week later, she texts me saying she finally found the hidden notes I placed in the back of the frames of her gift (just saying the exact time and date I wrote them on, saying how I had a wonderful time on our first date, and how when we first discovered our shared past in elementary school, I knew I had to give her my whale and framed articles. And that I am looking forward to possibly a second date). And that she didn't feel right keeping the whale. So I go to her house that night, stay less than a minute. She comes out, gives me the whale, I say thanks, she gave me a huge hug, and I said it was good to see her. I go home.

 

That was three days before Christmas and that was the last time I've had contact with her. It's almost been two months. I am still heartbroken, despite my progress. I deleted and blocked her on Facebook, got rid of her mugs and anything that reminds me of her, and have been out with friends and worked on my hobbies to make myself feel better. Overall, I am getting better (I'm not depressed anymore, but I'm still not 100% myself). If (for argument's sake) I was at... 5% when I was depressed the week or so after we ended things, I am probably at like... 70% now. I'm getting better, and feel the slight urge to meet more women. But I still think about her every day without fail. And compare everyone to her. But the biggest thing is that I cannot get that image of her sleeping with someone else out of my head. I know I can't control what she does, and I never slept with her (hell, I never even kissed her on the lips) but that image is killing me. Like... if there is anything that would drive me to drink, it's going to be that. That she is already moved on, she is with some other guy who doesn't care about her nearly as much as I did (probably using her for her looks, which is the least interesting thing about her), and she already forgot about me, and what she meant to me. Again, I feel decently better overall (I haven't cried about it in a little while), but I still love her, and miss my friend. And that image.... it kills me.

 

Also, since I felt like she was so perfect for me, she almost like... ruined my standards for women in my future. I took advice and tried to think of her flaws to look at it more objectively. The only flaw I came up with was she was flighty with plans (canceling all the friggin' time). And she didn't like me in the same way I did (which isn't her fault). That's it. The only flaws. So I felt (and feel) like since I saw perfection, there is no where to go but down. Like, she basically fell in my lap and I feel like... I don't know, that type of luck isn't going to strike again. I don't have a problem with approaching women or confidence (hell, when trying to get over her, I got the number of a girl while her mother was sitting right next to her. I don't like sounding cocky, but I think that took a lot of balls). I try to meet and find other women, but it just... there is no comparison. I know how delusional that sounds (out of 3.5 billion other women, there is no one else like her), but it's like... I haven't been proven wrong yet, so my hope for love like this again shrinks more and more, despite my confidence in myself. And my friends (especially my platonic female friends) say I am objectively good-looking and I am quote "The ideal boyfriend. The one the girl would be proud to bring home to their parents". So I have that confidence in myself, but I just feel like I won't have this luck again. I know I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me to find love, but I am so tired of being alone. I want to love someone (like I thought I had with her), but now that I had that briefly, being single feels just that... alone.

 

Basically what I'm asking is, how do I get back to my normal self? How do I become hopeful and actually believe that there will be someone better than her? How do I stop this horrible image of her being with someone else?

 

 

 

 

 

TL;DR

 

Seriously? Just go read it. But if you can't be bothered, I fell in love with a girl. Perfect for me. She became one of my best friends. After a few months, I told her I couldn't handle being just friends despite my adamant trying to be platonic, and ended it. She asked me out on a date the next day, saying she wants to give dating a try. She almost confirms she likes me (kissing me, and even saying so). First date went flawlessly (even made a point to introduce me to her parents and she says they loved me), and she even says she wanted a second date. She kissed me (on the cheek, granted). I give her a Christmas gift I basially put everything I had into, and then calls saying she isn't ready for a boyfriend. I told her I still can't be just friends. NC for two months. I'm making progress, but I still think about her every day, specifically her sleeping with someone else. Also have very little hope for anyone better in my future (despite my age and how illogical that mentality is and my confidence in myself). How do I feel normal again and truly move on?

Edited February 9, 2014 by MBAFGE

[OhThatGirl]

Yeah that sucks. It's going to hurt. You fell hard and it's a first for you. I don't even know what else to say.. It's just going to hurt and you'll have to deal with that and move on. It will happen. You're still young. You will go on to feel the same (or more) and have your heart broken a few more times until you meet the girl that doesn't break your heart.

 

Now, this situation is so rosy and beautiful because of the circumstances. Early love usually is. You have endless optimism and aren't put in a situation to see people's faults (annoying habits, incompatible communication techniques, etc). It's likely this is the first girl you've felt this way about so you don't have the experience to tell you that YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE YOU LOVE EVEN MORE! Really. You will. Years from now you will chuckle (and so will your wife) about this innocent sweet crush you had. It will be a fond memory.

 

But it wouldn't be right for me to finish off my comment without saying OMG, you must be the sweetest and most thoughtful guy ever. That whale thing almost made me tear up it was so insanely cute. (Ok so no tears were involved but it did just melt my heart)

 

Keep on this track. Never lose your ability to be so romantic, thoughtful, sentimental, and sweet. Ever. Even when girls dismiss you for it. You will someday make a woman very very happy. She will be a lucky one, and she will know it.

 

Feel reassured that something serious with this girl was never going to work out for a lifetime anyway. Many obstacles would have come up and made it impossible. Also feel reassured that years down the line she too will think back fondly about the time you two had together and just how sweet that whale gift was.

 

Again, you'll be just fine. It's hard but you've got so much to offer.

[Iskaral]

Hey,

 

I wish I could give you some great advice and make everything better but I can't. I guess i'm in pretty much the same situation, I fell in love with a girl as well and she didn't feel the same for me. I had pretty much no contact with her for 3 months besides one meeting which I couldn't avoid and did hurt a lot. I'm not over her either and all I can say that over time things get a little better. Reading your post and the way you felt about her I think it will just take more time, its not great to hear but I think its all there is to it. I know you might feel you will not meet any other girl as great but you will, believe me. Try and distract yourself as much as possible would be my advise and try and let go as hard as that sounds. I'm sorry you have to go through this my friend because I know how hard it is. If you need someone to talk to let me know.

[erklat]

Yeah, it happened to me last year and triggered the worst depression episode in my life.

 

She seemed so ideal, everything she did and said sprinkled with joy and enthusiasm.

 

I typed too much, became too available and killed the attraction. I got friendzoned.

 

I got busy. Found another chick I even liked better. You'll get better eventually.

 

After four months of strict no contact, she appeared out from nowhere.

 

We started typing again. I realized that her enthusiasm was artificial.

She was more lost than me despite my depression.

 

In the end guess what? I met a better chick.

 

I tell you what? You chickened out with your cheek kissing and attentiveness.

 

Move on. Your ego is making an idol out of her because you feel rejected.

[MBAFGE]

So... that was ****ing weird. Thank you for the advice everybody, but I was at work and she... came to visit me. I was all ready to reply to all your individual comments when I got home, but this happened. I was dumbfounded. That was freaky. I post this and a few hours later, first contact in two months.

 

 

I was working and down the store, I see the back of her head about thirty feet away. My stomach dropped. A few minutes later, she comes down and says hi to me and she has a friend with her. We talk for a bit, her being very nice and me too. I was surprisingly okay (I was nervous and I felt like I was going into cardiac arrest for the first minute), but I was very polite and treated her like I would anyone else. I was surprisingly... fine. Like, I was almost like as if.. I don't even know how to describe it. I expected to be flushed with emotion, but I was... fine (almost like I didn't care. Like I said, I was getting better, but I didn't expect to be this fine). Anyway, we talk for a bit, around 20 minutes, and they leave. I was very... almost nervous after they left. I don't know how to describe it. I was like... twitchy, and shakey almost. It was bizarre. But I got back to work.

 

 

45 minutes later, they show up again (apparently have never left the store) and she said she had two questions for me. First, she asked me first how much something was. Second, and she pauses, if I wanted to still hang out with her. I said "sure" very nonchalantly. Neutrally really. Not rude, but it was like a default response. She said because, and I quote "I'm showing potential interest", and "wants to see where it goes". Stomach dropped again, but I was very passive and friendly, yet neutral and said "sure". She said I was very chill about the whole thing and then her friend said "we spent like the whole 45 minutes we were in here thinking of how to ask and what to say if you said no". Like a script? I asked. Apparently so. We keep talking and she mentioned the frames and hidden notes. She said she "spent a long time reading them" and her parents were around when she opened it. So after that they leave to go check out and we say goodbye again. Hug. And I go to punch out. I come back down, they're still checking out. I walk them out. We stand outside and we talk for another minute. We leave and say goodbyes.

 

 

So... apparently she didn't forget about me. But what the **** do I do? I am puzzled. I texted my friends (one the mutual one who introduced us at the party. The mutual one,who is a girl, has been walking me through this a lot with me and this girl) and asked what the hell do I do? The mutual one said "MBAFGE... doesn't this seem familiar". I asked if I could call, she said she couldn't' at the time. I said I just wanted her advice because I can guarantee she will text me within the next day or two. I'm not doing anything contact related. But I said to the mutual friend that the next time I come in contact with her, whether it be text, call, or in person, and this subject comes out again, I will ask point blank, "What's changed? Why do you show interest now after I did, and I tried to move on, and you said you didn't like me that way. Why now?" I won't be rude about it, but I will ask. And say something like "didn't this happen before? I try to move on, and you ask me out, only to end it again?" Not like that, I"m still thinking of exactly what to say, but something to that effect...

 

 

So my love saga is getting a sequel. As I said to my mutual friend, I very well couldn't have said "No, **** off". I"m just not that type of person to be mean. Especially to her. I said "sure" to her request almost as if I was uninterested. Neutral. Like I didn't care, but was friendly about it. But anyway... what the **** do I do?

Edited February 10, 2014 by MBAFGE

[MBAFGE]

The bolded part up top is something you do NOT need to do. Seriously, stay away from that. What good is that going to do and what honest answers are you going to get from that? It will ONLY make things awkward and worse.

 

Sounds like she is just using you when it is convenient to her. IMO, I think its best if you actually do move on to something better because, honestly, it's going to keep going around like this. She doesnt seem to know exactly what she wants, for whatever her reasons, and putting you in such a weird position. "I'm showing potential interest" <-----how very NOBLE of her lol. I get the feeling she knows you are a good guy, but she has you whenever she wants you. She says jump, you say how high?

 

You will ultimately do what you are going to do, I'd just tread incredibly carefully.

 

 

I totally get what you're saying. I am being extremely neutral and careful, trust me. Which is why I posted that thing you bolded. We have always been honest with each other (hell, for two hours over Facbeook a few months ago, we discussed bluntly why she doesn't date). But anyway, I get what you're saying. It's just... it's so hard to say no. You see what I mean? Like, I mean if someone you loved came back, despite if you have a clear head or not, it's going to bring up old feelings. And hell, we never even really dated, so we never technically "broke up" (like I said in the OP. It wasn't a technical "break up", just a loss of a friend, and love interest. It was one date and a few cheek kisses). But even so, I was shocked how fine I was when we were talking. I treated her exactly how I would anyone else. Like nothing happened, but also like I had no eagerness or excitement she returned. I was just really friendly (I naturally am), but I honestly think I handled it pretty well... I hope you guys did too. I peronally think it's a good thing to ask the bolded part above, because we have always been so honest and open with each other. I want an answer to that question. Why now? Is she doing it because she misses the attention? Or is it what I hoped for?; she got her life in order and has time for a boyfriend? She didn't know how to act on feelings before (because she never said she didn't like me, she just said "I don't date"), and now she knows how or something? I really dont know. Honestly, my head is swimming. I am going to show no initative. I'm making her work for this this time. I will initiate no contact. Zero. None. Not like a dick and not reply if she does (I again, am naturally a nice person. My friends say I am "the nicest person they've ever met"). I am being as platonic and passive as I possibly can, as I was tonight, to see how it goes. I will show romantic inclination if and only if it progresses, but for now, I plan on being, as I said, neutral. Just like "sure, we can hang out". No eagerness, no plans by me. Nothing. But anyway, I guess I have to think this over... any other advice from you, or anyone else lurking?

Edited February 10, 2014 by MBAFGE

[MBAFGE]

But it wouldn't be right for me to finish off my comment without saying OMG, you must be the sweetest and most thoughtful guy ever. That whale thing almost made me tear up it was so insanely cute. (Ok so no tears were involved but it did just melt my heart).

 

 

I'm blushing. Thanks OhThatGirl, I really appreciate that. I've been told I'm an excellent gift giver. I generally do nice things for friends in gifts, but for that I really dug deep haha. But thank you again, I dont' know what else to say :3

[MBAFGE]

To answer the situation, I think you handled it fine. You didnt realize she would be there and were mildly blindsighted by the whole thing. I dont think anything you did was "wrong" so to speak, but I think you are jumping the gun a bit here.

 

I'm glad to hear that. I was blindsided. I expected to never hear from her again. But then there she is. It was really freaky. But am I jumping the gun? I'm not doing anything. I am quite literally treating it like today never happened. I never saw her and waiting to see what she does.[/i]

 

 

Let it ride man. Just be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.

 

 

Okay, I will.

 

She just texted me. Saying she hope I got home safe (it was snowing today) and she hope she didn't give me whiplash and "wanted to make her intentions clear and did not want to confuse you!". I dont' even know how to respond to that. I'll think...

Edited February 10, 2014 by MBAFGE

[MBAFGE]

I mean you arent jumping the gun to HER, but I can see it in the text that you are getting a little giddy right now lol. Which is involuntary, but I'd suggest to REALLY think about this and dont expect a THING. The expectations of what you want her to do or act like will hurt you in the end.

 

 

I am thinknig about this. I really am. But I truly am expecting nothing to happen. I don't want to get hurt agian, but then again, it's her. And again, she never said "I have no romantic feelings for you". She said that she just "doesn't date" because of reasons I stated before. So she never said "I am not and never will be sexually or romatically attacted to you" only to come back. Make sense? hope so. Which is why I am planning on sending something like "I did, hope you did too. And thanks. we'll talk about this a bit further and see what happens". So... wish me luck everybody. Hope I make the right decision here, and hope things go well.

Edited February 10, 2014 by MBAFGE

[MBAFGE]

Bump for any more advice. I really want to say yes, and it's so hard to say no to her (haven't heard from her since yesterday). But is it like... a guarantee I'll get hurt? My best friend said that "This could be good. It seems like she's coming around", but then my mother said "I will only get hurt. She will break your heart again. I can guarantee it". SHe's never met her though. I'm so conflicted. It's like, she's coming around to me (which is exactly what I wanted for so long), but some people say don't. Any other input or help is wildly appreciated.

Edited February 10, 2014 by MBAFGE

[William]

It appears some postings were deleted due to a moderation issue but I'll leave the responses from the thread starter for future reading from other members and bump this up since I deleted a duplicate posting referencing this thread. As a reminder, thread starters are welcomed to update their threads and request further input, which bumps the thread up in the forum review list. However, cross-posting and/or duplicate posts concerning the same topic are disallowed. Thanks and please continue!

[somedude81]

This story is pretty confusing.

 

Let me get this straight.

 

You fell for a girl who wasn't interested in you. You got friendzoned.

 

Then she agreed to go out on one date to give you a shot. Even though the date went well, she said that she doesn't want a boyfriend and you two stop talking. It's been a couple of months since then. You are still trying to get over her.

 

I've been in your same exact situation a few times. It takes time to get over somebody, especially if you really liked them for a long time.

 

This is the weird part

 

Then yesterday she goes to your work, without talking to or seeing for two months, with the sole purpose of seeing you. She wants to see if you still like her and she's really considering giving you a chance.

 

Here's what you do. Text or call and tell her that you want to go out on a real casual date, you don't even have to call it a date. You just want to see how things go.

 

Make sure to meet up during the day and do something fun. If the "date" went well, give her a kiss.

 

What happens after that will tell you if it can work with her.

[MBAFGE]

This story is pretty confusing.

Let me get this straight.

 

Yeah, sorry. It is confusing to me too haha. I posted here about trying to get over her, and literally 5 hours later, first contact in months.

 

You fell for a girl who wasn't interested in you. You got friendzoned.

 

Even though I ****ing despise that term, apparently so.

 

Then she agreed to go out on one date to give you a shot. Even though the date went well, she said that she doesn't want a boyfriend and you two stop talking. It's been a couple of months since then. You are still trying to get over her.

 

Exactly. Date went well, she even kissed me a few days later. She said the didn't have time for a boyfriend but still wanted to be good friends with me. I ended the friendship because I couldn't handle being just friends. She wanted to be friends still, but I couldn't. But yes, you're right (thought I'd give more detail)

 

I've been in your same exact situation a few times. It takes time to get over somebody, especially if you really liked them for a long time.

 

You're telling me. 2 months, but I made significant progress. I was actually starting to get over her, but I just lacked the ambition to find anyone else. I was about.... 75% better? I hate putting my emotional and mental state in a numerical fashion, but hopefully you see what I mean

 

 

Then yesterday she goes to your work, without talking to or seeing for two months, with the sole purpose of seeing you. She wants to see if you still like her and she's really considering giving you a chance.

 

Apparently so. She gets nervous easily (her having anxiety) and she was a bit confusing and seemed timid (she isn't like that. She is really outgoing). But yeah, she said she wanted to see if "I would still hang out with her, because she is showing potential interest, and wants to see where it goes." That's where I'm worried though... she kind of already did this before (when she asked me out before and then she said she didn't have time). So why is this time different? Is it because she got her life in order? She (as cliche as this sounds) didn't know what she had 'til it's gone? (meaning me). Not sure man.

 

 

Here's what you do. Text or call and tell her that you want to go out on a real casual date, you don't even have to call it a date. You just want to see how things go.

 

Make sure to meet up during the day and do something fun. If the "date" went well, give her a kiss.

 

What happens after that will tell you if it can work with her.

 

Okay. That makes sense. I was planning on doing that soon. I get the feeling she will ask me to do something so we can talk. Last night (when I got home from work), she texted me saying she hope she didn't give me whiplash and (as I said in a previous post). I said "Okay, thanks. We'll talk about this some more and see what happens". So balls in her court. I refuse to instigate anything such as a day to do something. I did that too many times, now it's her turn. If she is being genuine to me and wants me now, she has to put the effort. Before (when we tried going on one date, and even before that when we were just really good friends), I put about 90% of all effort into seeing her. She rarely did (granted she is busier than me, but she cancelled all the time).

[MBAFGE]

It appears some postings were deleted due to a moderation issue but I'll leave the responses from the thread starter for future reading from other members and bump this up since I deleted a duplicate posting referencing this thread. As a reminder, thread starters are welcomed to update their threads and request further input, which bumps the thread up in the forum review list. However, cross-posting and/or duplicate posts concerning the same topic are disallowed. Thanks and please continue!

 

Whoops, I'm sorry about that. I didn't realize (or forgot), I just want as much advice as I can get at the moment haha. But my apologies. Do you have any advice for me, William?

 

Edit:

 

Something more details, for you Somedude81:

 

Also, last night I was surprisingly levelheaded around her. Before all this (when we went on a date and when we were just friends), I wouldn't think clearly around her that well. I would be so... flushed with emotion I guess. But last night, I was surprisingly... fine. Like, I treated her like literally anyone else. That allowed me to pay attention to what she was doing or acting toward me. Not sure if I'm making sense, but here's what I mean:

 

When I was leaving work, they were still there (as I said). I punched out and we were standing in the parking lot for a bit talking under a roof (me, her, and her firend she brought). We stood there for like... 3 minutes? We made a bit of small talk and watching the snowfall. I wasn't looking at either of them, I was watching the snow as well. And out of the corner of my eye, or peripheral vision, I paid attention and I noticed that she was basically staring at me for a good... 25 seconds. I wasn't looking at her, but I knew because I could see out of the corner of my eye. I'm not sure what that means, but I thought it was interesting the point out. Like it was like a steady staring at me. She didn't know I could see her, but I could.. I don't know if again, I'm looking too much into things, so I'm treating it as if that didn't happen , but I thought it was weird because she never really did that before. Also, when she went for the last hug goodbye, I noticed a lot of... tension. I don't know if it was sexual or not, but it wasn't like anger, or awkward tension. I don't know if that makes sense, but it kind of was... Maybe it was sexual, I dont' really know. But she was never like that before. Like, ever. It was weird, But again, it was just a thought I got for feeling when we went to the last hug. Again, I'm refusing to let myself believe any of this (I am not letting myself get hopeful or read too much into things), so I'm treating as if nothing happened.

Edited February 10, 2014 by MBAFGE

[Trep]

I don't like the way that she re-initiated contact with this whole "I'm showing potential interest", and "wants to see where it goes" thing. It doesn't sound like she's very committed to the whole thing in general and that she wants you to do all the work to win her over when it should be the other way around, she should be trying to win you back.

 

I would suggest to keep doing what you're doing, let her initiate contact, don't seem over eager for anything and last but not least, don't be surprised if she's just trying to friendzone (I know you hate the term but it's pretty accurate for your situation) you again.

[somedude81]

You're telling me. 2 months, but I made significant progress. I was actually starting to get over her, but I just lacked the ambition to find anyone else. I was about.... 75% better? I hate putting my emotional and mental state in a numerical fashion, but hopefully you see what I mean

Two months isn't nearly enough time to get over somebody. It once took me about six months to get over a girl that I had never dated, but we were close friends for almost two years. I pretty much liked her the whole time, which she knew about.

 

So why is this time different?

Who knows? The reason why doesn't really matter. "Potential interest" is a really funny term but it basically means that she has some interest but is still a bit unsure of what she wants. It's better than disinterest.

 

Okay. That makes sense. I was planning on doing that soon. I get the feeling she will ask me to do something so we can talk. Last night (when I got home from work), she texted me saying she hope she didn't give me whiplash and (as I said in a previous post). I said "Okay, thanks. We'll talk about this some more and see what happens". So balls in her court.

Granted I don't have the most experience with relationships, I don't think it's a good idea to meet with her and talk. What you want to do is have fun and show her a good time. If you want to talk about what you guys want, do it after you have a real kiss.

I refuse to instigate anything such as a day to do something. I did that too many times, now it's her turn. If she is being genuine to me and wants me now, she has to put the effort. Before (when we tried going on one date, and even before that when we were just really good friends), I put about 90% of all effort into seeing her. She rarely did (granted she is busier than me, but she cancelled all the time).

I don't agree with this.

 

What happened in the past isn't relevant because you guys were hanging out just as friends. The next time you get together will be a pseudo-date if not a real one. It's your job to schedule and try to plan everything. Don't just sit back and wait, because it may never happen.

 

If she does cancel on you, then it's up to her to plan the next one if she still wants to try. Frankly, girls cancel on you because you aren't important to them. But if she's really interested now, she shouldn't cancel.

[MBAFGE]

I don't like the way that she re-initiated contact with this whole "I'm showing potential interest", and "wants to see where it goes" thing. It doesn't sound like she's very committed to the whole thing in general and that she wants you to do all the work to win her over when it should be the other way around, she should be trying to win you back.

 

I would suggest to keep doing what you're doing, let her initiate contact, don't seem over eager for anything and last but not least, don't be surprised if she's just trying to friendzone (I know you hate the term but it's pretty accurate for your situation) you again.

 

I was afraid of that. I was hoping it was more she (and I hate sounding cocky) missed out on me, and realized what we had (or could have). I mean hell, I hate theater, but when we were just friends (about two weeks before she asked me out after I ended our friendship), I went to her college to see her in a play. She had precisely one line. Two words to be exact. About ten seconds of stage time. I went that play, by myself, sat by myself for three hours, to see her on stage for those moments, and see her afterwards for about two minutes. I don't know if she realized that not everybody does that and she just didn't know how to act on this when we went on one date. but I see what you're saying.

 

 

 

Two months isn't nearly enough time to get over somebody. It once took me about six months to get over a girl that I had never dated, but we were close friends for almost two years. I pretty much liked her the whole time, which she knew about.

 

 

Who knows? The reason why doesn't really matter. "Potential interest" is a really funny term but it basically means that she has some interest but is still a bit unsure of what she wants. It's better than disinterest.

 

 

Granted I don't have the most experience with relationships, I don't think it's a good idea to meet with her and talk. What you want to do is have fun and show her a good time. If you want to talk about what you guys want, do it after you have a real kiss.

 

I don't agree with this.

 

What happened in the past isn't relevant because you guys were hanging out just as friends. The next time you get together will be a pseudo-date if not a real one. It's your job to schedule and try to plan everything. Don't just sit back and wait, because it may never happen.

 

If she does cancel on you, then it's up to her to plan the next one if she still wants to try. Frankly, girls cancel on you because you aren't important to them. But if she's really interested now, she shouldn't cancel.

 

Getting conflicting opinions here. I personally don't want to initiate. I feel like that will be like I am too eager and, like someone else said, at her command. She says jump, I saw when and how high, despite the two months I tried getting over her. I'd come across so (for lack of a better term) p*ssy-whipped. And I refuse to do that, and I don't find that odd or anything. If she expects me to be like that, I won't want to date someone like that. Someone who wants to be put on a pedestal and not have a relationship be equal. So I feel like this time, if she really wants this to happen, she needs to show some degree of effort. Planning the single date was surprisingly easy (she didn't cancel), but when I tried giving her the Christmas gift I mentioned in the OP, it took five goddamn tries. I'd say "Let's do this day". She said yes, that day she'd cancel. I'd offer an alternative, she'd accept, cancel again. It happened five times and the only reason I got that morning to drop it off to her was because I called and basically forced her (I was going out of town the next day, it being two days before Christmas). I wasn't being pushy, but she was just being a pain in the ass. So I feel that if she really wants this now (finally), she should show some to make it work. Remember, she came back to me. I expected to never see her again. Which is why I made the OP. So if she came back to me, she can't expect it to go "I didn't want to date you, but now I do after you were trying to move on. So you do all the work, okay?" That won't happen. Do you see what I'm saying? I'm not trying to be a dick; I won't ignore her. I got this far and talked to her at work. If I wanted to be an awful person, I could have been rude and ignored her. But I didn't. I heard her out (albeit briefly) and was understanding. So I just feel like if she wants this, it can't be 100% my effort again. That's not how relationships work. They require effort on both ends, not just one.

Edited February 11, 2014 by MBAFGE

[WhiteTan]

I hope you don't take offense to this post because you really do sound like you treat her like a gentleman..

 

BUT

 

it seems like you are taking mental notes of EVERY single nice gesture you make and now you have some kind of subconscious feeling of entitlement.

 

Not even towards her but your demeanor in general in this thread suggests you have a tendency to pat yourself on the back.. IE: "my friend's all say i'm objectively good looking" "i got this girl's number while she was sitting by her mom, that's hard to do for most guys" "i went to her school play and i hate plays!" "I could've been rude and ignored her but i didn't"

 

I know you think you're a huge catch and you probably are.. but she isn't interested in reciprocating.

 

I understand that your feelings for her are strong and you are willing to do whatever it takes to "win her over" but I hope you can accept that this isn't going to be a mutual thing. Date her, see where it goes, but you're more invested in this than she is.

 

Good luck!

[somedude81]

If you're perfectly content sitting around hoping she makes the next plans, then do that.

 

Just don't be surprised if you never hear from her again.

 

Maybe she'll contact you and plan everything. Who knows?

[MBAFGE]

I hope you don't take offense to this post because you really do sound like you treat her like a gentleman..

 

BUT

 

it seems like you are taking mental notes of EVERY single nice gesture you make and now you have some kind of subconscious feeling of entitlement.

 

Not even towards her but your demeanor in general in this thread suggests you have a tendency to pat yourself on the back.. IE: "my friend's all say i'm objectively good looking" "i got this girl's number while she was sitting by her mom, that's hard to do for most guys" "i went to her school play and i hate plays!" "I could've been rude and ignored her but i didn't"

 

I know you think you're a huge catch and you probably are.. but she isn't interested in reciprocating.

 

I understand that your feelings for her are strong and you are willing to do whatever it takes to "win her over" but I hope you can accept that this isn't going to be a mutual thing. Date her, see where it goes, but you're more invested in this than she is.

 

Good luck!

 

Yeah, I see what you mean, but no. The only reason I am keeping "mental notes" of what I did was to give you examples. I don't give a **** about the praise I get for doing nice things or anything like that. I only did that type of things because I guess I just show my love through gestures. Like for instance (not related to her); for my best friends birthdays', I drew them each a portrait of their favorite actor/actress. I expected nothing in return and didn't, which I was more than fine with. I did it because that's who I am and how I show my love to my friends and family. I am "patting myself on the back" because people told me that you need to have confidence in yourself to move past heartbreak and be accepting of yourself. I feel like simple "confidence" and "entitlement" are easily confused via text, so apologies for that. But I promise I don't do this for the notoriety or praise, or thinking I'm "entitled" to this. I just showed my love for her and family and friends though gestures, such as the play and such you pointed out.

 

Believe it or not, the only reason I might come across as "entitled" or thinking I'm a "huge catch" is because that's what other people told me to do... i.e., my friends and family when I was trying to get over her. They all said that and they wanted me to believe it so they'd help me when we weren't friends anymore. . I apologize if that came across as the "entitlement", but I don't think what I did is "deserving" of praise or reciprocation, from her or anyone else. I just did that because when you love someone, you want them to be happy. I went to her play because it'd make her happy; I gave her the whale and frame to make her happy; I drew the things for my friends to make them happy.

 

And the "number in front of her mom thing". Again, I did that for an example of how I tried to move on. I did that because people told me "get numbers. be courageous and be ballsy. It'll help you". I am confident in myself and didn't want that to come across as cocky. I, again, gave that for examples of how me finding numbers and women (the drive) wasn't there. Even if I had to work for it (before she came back). It wasn't because I was saying "Look at me internet users! I did this, be jealous!" I'm not like that. I might come across as "cocky" or entitled to you, but I really am not.

 

but she isn't interested in reciprocating.

 

This confused me... isn't that why she came back to me? If she had no feelings for me, I would have never seen her again, right? Like, if she didn't have feelings for me, she wouldnt' have told me she does... the way I see it at least.

[MBAFGE]

If you're perfectly content sitting around hoping she makes the next plans, then do that.

 

Just don't be surprised if you never hear from her again.

 

Maybe she'll contact you and plan everything. Who knows?

 

Honestly... I kind of am. She can't expect me to do all the work again, because that isn't' what a relationship is. You can't expect it to be 100% effort on one side and close to 0% on the other, expecting it to be an equal relationship. If she doesn't contact me at all soon, then I will know she did it for the easy attention she will get from me and I wouldn't want to date someone like that. If she really wanted me, she would make some sort of effort. It isn't hard to pick up the phone and call (or text. I personally prefer calling over texting, but I digress). I'm not saying she has to do 100% of the effort now, that'd be absurd and me being a hypocrite. I'm saying I am hoping this is genuine and the only way to know is by actions. My best friend told me a while ago (who has had more relationships than my best friends combined, and is currently in a year long one right now) that "If she really likes you, she will contact you and make time to see you, like what you did for her or for friends. Period." I believe that. Does this all make sense? (I can't really tell if I am making any...)

Edited February 11, 2014 by MBAFGE

[somedude81]

Dude, you sound like you have no clue what you want.

[MBAFGE]

Dude, you sound like you have no clue what you want.

 

...why? I don't understand.

[Trep]

Dude, you sound like you have no clue what you want.

 

It seems pretty clear to me. I could be wrong but to me it looks like he wants to be with her, but he wants her to prove she wants to be with him. Which seems perfectly reasonable to me given the situation.

[MBAFGE]

It seems pretty clear to me. I could be wrong but to me it looks like he wants to be with her, but he wants her to prove she wants to be with him. Which seems perfectly reasonable to me given the situation.

 

I thought so too... in all honesty, was I ambiguous? I'm genuinely asking because I'm not sure. I thought I was pretty clear this is pretty much what I want. Thanks Trep; you summarized it absolutely perfect. But I'm honestly really glad to hear that this isn't unreasonable.