Tired of being rejected

[nebulae]

Please do

[czanclus]

"Contrary to many guys these days who are unable to commit, I am ready and capable of settling. It's just the matter that I've not run into a woman who's looking for the same thing."

 

This is great. As long as it's true, that is. :-) My best girlfriend feels the opposite way - she cannot find a man who prefers to be in a relationship to hook ups and one-night stands. Too bad you're in Belgium.

 

I am not on a quest to find a significant other these days, but if I were, guys who'd want to build something lasting and understood the value of a long term relationship would be the only ones I'd consider. I think that in this sense I speak for 90% of the female population. So you have more choices than it may seem.

 

"4) I know the feeling. But atm it's so hard to remain positive, given the 100% failure rate (or countless rejections)

I've been through."

 

I understand that too. Like I said, in the dating realm, I'm rarely rejected at least for the prospect of initial hook up - not that I accept that as a prospect or anything. But for those rare times, it ends up being by a guy that really matters. I'd rather no one notices me or wishes to date me, except the guy that I set my sights on, than to have a bunch of guys be attracted to me while the two or three in my life that matter not be, or not be enough.

 

Take my current situation for example: it's complicated on several levels (understatement). And no, this attraction is not in the least based on his 'unachievable' status because he is 1) my superior and 2) in the process of a divorce. Those (not small, I realize fully) barriers only add to the frustration.

 

Commenting on the 2nd barrier first, the divorce, or perhaps 'the divorce' that he made a concerted effort to make me aware of in a discussion in which all I asked about was his work history and went back to working when he diverged to the topic of his marriage, the part to which he summoned me back to the conversation to make sure that I am aware that he is DIVORCING. The peculiar thing is that other people in our office seem to be - as I found out - completely oblivious to this matter in his life. So, as my friend says: 'well, that [divorce] is a story for *you*.' - which again makes me wonder why he would bother telling *me* such a story other than to generically assert his availability and try to get some flirting action during an otherwise boring work day?

 

Anyway, to move on to barrier 1) - that too is a freaking no-brainer. We are not teenagers, we are people in our mid-30s to early 40s, both with kids from a previous relationship. Yes, I am not independently wealthy and no, I do not have a trust fund or any major assets so I do have to work to pay my bills. However, if he really wanted us to get together (even 50% of how much I want that), this could happen in a matter of a few months. By which time too, he should be able to finalize his divorce and I to relatively smoothly transition into a new job. Perhaps he could help by putting in a good word or two for me.

 

Unfortunately, while he is eager to flirt when he's not in a bad mood, it's been over five months now, and he doesn't seem to be taking any (discrete of course given the circumstances) to move anything forward. It'd be tempting to say that he is dense and only views me as a potential harassment law suit making no note or effort to make note of my character and trustworthyness in general, as well as sorely lacking in creativity to get us alone out of the office setting to at least 'touch down' on the consensus that no one is here to screw anyone over. But tempting as it may be to conclude that, I am going with the conclusion that 'he just isn't that into me.' The latter makes his flirtatious behavior only that much more annoying, and I think he's picking up on the fact that I don't suffer players gladly.

 

But long story short, I am deeply hurt that he doesn't see in me what I saw in him. He was not just any guy to me, he really moved me in a way that I haven't felt in a decade. And it was a spontaneous feeling, not something I was on the lookout for out of desperation for company or confidence boost. That I can get in no time elsewhere.

 

Needless to say, none of this internal turmoil of mine has ever left my head verbally in front of him nor is my intention for it to make it known to anyone in his circles. So if nothing else, no real 'drama' has emerged out of this intense and insufficiently-reciprocated attraction.

 

I have to go and get ready for work now. In which I will one more day be faced with the fact that I don't matter to someone who could mean the world to me.

 

So it's not easy, I know. Just try your best to love and respect yourself and do things that make you love and respect yourself, and if love is going to come your way, it'll come while you are at your best.

 

:-)

[Teraskas]

"Contrary to many guys these days who are unable to commit, I am ready and capable of settling. It's just the matter that I've not run into a woman who's looking for the same thing."

 

1) This is great. As long as it's true, that is. :-) My best girlfriend feels the opposite way - she cannot find a man who prefers to be in a relationship to hook ups and one-night stands. Too bad you're in Belgium.

 

I am not on a quest to find a significant other these days, but if I were, guys who'd want to build something lasting and understood the value of a long term relationship would be the only ones I'd consider. I think that in this sense I speak for 90% of the female population. So you have more choices than it may seem.

(Edited out some of the main body to preserve space. )

 

2) Take my current situation for example: it's complicated on several levels (understatement). And no, this attraction is not in the least based on his 'unachievable' status because he is 1) my superior and 2) in the process of a divorce. Those (not small, I realize fully) barriers only add to the frustration.

 

But long story short, I am deeply hurt that he doesn't see in me what I saw in him. He was not just any guy to me, he really moved me in a way that I haven't felt in a decade. And it was a spontaneous feeling, not something I was on the lookout for out of desperation for company or confidence boost. That I can get in no time elsewhere.

 

Needless to say, none of this internal turmoil of mine has ever left my head verbally in front of him nor is my intention for it to make it known to anyone in his circles. So if nothing else, no real 'drama' has emerged out of this intense and insufficiently-reciprocated attraction.

 

I have to go and get ready for work now. In which I will one more day be faced with the fact that I don't matter to someone who could mean the world to me.

 

So it's not easy, I know. Just try your best to love and respect yourself and do things that make you love and respect yourself, and if love is going to come your way, it'll come while you are at your best.

 

:-)

 

1) Oh, I can assure you, it is true.

I just feel that the general state of mind of western society has been poisoned by the masses of non-commitment, negligent men who have the mentality of needy and selfish children. Thus causing women to lose faith in men in general.

Perhaps this is the cause of male bashing in today's media, but who knows ? I certainly haven't seen any academic papers which have shown in depth studies in this field.

But I feel that given how guys like myself are shunned by society, that I'm either cursed or an outcast.

You know the feeling when you're telling the truth and everyone around you perceives all the words coming out of your mouth to be lies ?

To me, it feels like I don't stand a chance.

The inability to be given a chance to prove that I'm not like the 'standard mentality guy' these days makes me go...slightly short of insane.

Oh well, never say never.

I've got a relative living in Richmond, Virginia and thus I've always wanted to visit the USA. Heck, even given the stories my father told me of your service in stores, hotels, etc. compared to here, I'd move over in a heartbeat. (I.e. Over here when I buy a faulty product, and talk to the manager about it, they're always like 'Meh, tough luck bro, good luck and now gtfo of my store' lol)

 

2) Damn, that's quite the story.

I honestly have no idea how I could even comment on that, as I haven't experienced anything like that. But I can definitely relate to the general feeling which it boils down to.

[Jon Tenzo]

This is what I have to look forward to if I need to go back into the dating pool.

 

Needless to say I am less than enthused. FOL = F*** Our Lives!!!!

[czanclus]

1) Oh, I can assure you, it is true.

I just feel that the general state of mind of western society has been poisoned by the masses of non-commitment, negligent men who have the mentality of needy and selfish children. Thus causing women to lose faith in men in general.

Perhaps this is the cause of male bashing in today's media, but who knows ? I certainly haven't seen any academic papers which have shown in depth studies in this field.

But I feel that given how guys like myself are shunned by society, that I'm either cursed or an outcast.

 

Hmm, for certain definitions of 'society' perhaps... And by the way, I just now learned that you are 22? Hold the phone then son, while I too join the annoying choir: 'you are young, and boy do you have time.'

 

But seriously... if it is true that you have never dated anyone and you are 22, then it's understandable that you feel frustrated about it and wonder if anything will ever change in that respect. When I recall my life at that age (back in 2000), I had by then not only had dating experience, I had a 3 year long on and off relationship, a 3 month long severed relationship (the most complicated and cosmically intertwined story of my life), several random summer flings, a couple of more involved and complicated affairs, and was at the time living together with a guy whom I thought I was going to marry as soon as we're both done with school c. 3 years hence. So even though a whole host of life-turning events happened in the subsequent 14 years and the guy from 2000 and I live a couple of 1000s of miles away these days, 22 was not too young for even a general introvert (and snob ) like me to have a fairly rich set of experiences.

 

Anyway, even if these experiences haven't been part of your life yet, take it from me that in only a few more years, guys like you are going to be prime-time commodity. The girls that are now too casual for school will very soon grow into women who want to start families with a man who understands the concept of commitment and parental responsibilities, and does not suffer withdrawal effects from not having played mario kart for two whole hours. You will also have notable attention from older women who are even less interested in hook-ups than their decade younger counterparts.

 

I mean, think about it, what single woman in her mid/late 30s would decline a 25 year old guy who wants a relationship (she might dream perhaps) with her?

 

Sex stamina - check

Healthier sperm - check

Higher energy level in general - check

Higher earning potential - check

Lower emotional baggage - check

 

Congratulations! You've been most gladly approved to enter this ship. ;-)

 

Other men have lived through this undeniably painful movie series before, and have instead of rejoicing upon reaching prime-commodity status found themselves in a state of resentment and desire for revenge. They turned into merciless jerks whose game was to lead the unassuming hordes of women on into thinking they care and are LTR-minded, only to fade out when they got enough sextime to tie them over until the next conquest. Well, touche, I suppose. Not that I can recall ever treating any guy (and certainly no guy that showed any emotion akin to care) that way.

 

Then they got over it by their early 30s (if they were smart and proactive enough to get all the one night stands, hook ups, and sexbuddies out of their system), and started looking for long-term girlfriends about 5-7 years younger who were just coming into maturity.

 

So no worries, promise? Just live your life believing in yourself and wait it out a little longer. Time is TOTALLY on your side.

[topaMAXX]

There is nothing you can do to improve or to guarantee that one day you will meet the one woman who will want you, until this day actually comes. If you have the thought in your mind all the time that it's all your fault and if you do this and that you will find someone, you will only get obsessed for no reason. I suggest you sit back and enjoy the ride (your life) without obsessing about this matter. One day sooner or later you WILL meet someone you like and she likes you back. Won't it be better if until then you will have spent a nice time instead of becoming frustrated over and over again?

 

This advice applies to women.

 

It is awful for men. Most guys that I know that are in successful marriages (that met their spouse after college and grad school) pretty much went balls to the wall until they found what they want. They kept approaching, they had lists with dealbreakers, they stayed positive, and never gave up. They ALL got what they wanted if they kept at it.

 

But you really have to decide what you want and go for it, by any means necessary.

[SoleMate]

I did mention that I hadn't been 'intimate' with someone for at least 2 years.

I would not have wanted to learn about that on the first date. This does not in any way attract her to you. I understand that thought is right up there front and center in your head, but it isn't a good idea to share every thought that crosses your mind.

 

Think for a minute: What do you think her reaction was on learning of your 2 years of involuntary celibacy?

[Jon Tenzo]

Think for a minute: What do you think her reaction was on learning of your 2 years of involuntary celibacy?

 

The fact that women are socialized to find this somehow a bad thing is the reason they have to deal with a-holes in the dating scene - It's because they are practically screaming for the bad boy which shows in how they respond to genuine males like this.

 

This guy is a prime candidate for MGTOW and the women who have a problem with that movement just usher guys like him even further along in the process than his male counterparts egging him on. Sigh.

[Teraskas]

Hmm, for certain definitions of 'society' perhaps... And by the way, I just now learned that you are 22? Hold the phone then son, while I too join the annoying choir: 'you are young, and boy do you have time.'

 

But seriously... if it is true that you have never dated anyone and you are 22, then it's understandable that you feel frustrated about it and wonder if anything will ever change in that respect. When I recall my life at that age (back in 2000), I had by then not only had dating experience, I had a 3 year long on and off relationship, a 3 month long severed relationship (the most complicated and cosmically intertwined story of my life), several random summer flings, a couple of more involved and complicated affairs, and was at the time living together with a guy whom I thought I was going to marry as soon as we're both done with school c. 3 years hence. So even though a whole host of life-turning events happened in the subsequent 14 years and the guy from 2000 and I live a couple of 1000s of miles away these days, 22 was not too young for even a general introvert (and snob ) like me to have a fairly rich set of experiences.

 

Anyway, even if these experiences haven't been part of your life yet, take it from me that in only a few more years, guys like you are going to be prime-time commodity. The girls that are now too casual for school will very soon grow into women who want to start families with a man who understands the concept of commitment and parental responsibilities, and does not suffer withdrawal effects from not having played mario kart for two whole hours. You will also have notable attention from older women who are even less interested in hook-ups than their decade younger counterparts.

 

I mean, think about it, what single woman in her mid/late 30s would decline a 25 year old guy who wants a relationship (she might dream perhaps) with her?

 

Sex stamina - check

Healthier sperm - check

Higher energy level in general - check

Higher earning potential - check

Lower emotional baggage - check

 

Congratulations! You've been most gladly approved to enter this ship. ;-)

 

Other men have lived through this undeniably painful movie series before, and have instead of rejoicing upon reaching prime-commodity status found themselves in a state of resentment and desire for revenge. They turned into merciless jerks whose game was to lead the unassuming hordes of women on into thinking they care and are LTR-minded, only to fade out when they got enough sextime to tie them over until the next conquest. Well, touche, I suppose. Not that I can recall ever treating any guy (and certainly no guy that showed any emotion akin to care) that way.

 

Then they got over it by their early 30s (if they were smart and proactive enough to get all the one night stands, hook ups, and sexbuddies out of their system), and started looking for long-term girlfriends about 5-7 years younger who were just coming into maturity.

 

So no worries, promise? Just live your life believing in yourself and wait it out a little longer. Time is TOTALLY on your side.

 

I have had 2 relationships before in the past.

However, those 'failed' because in essence, THEY didn't know what they wanted and ended up leaving me for someone else.

(Talk about a blow to one's self-esteem, 2ce for that matter)

I mean, back then it used to be easy for me to get into relationships.

What could possibly have changed in that relatively short timespan of 4 years ? My appearance hasn't changed, nor did my personality.

 

I mean, if I'm having such a tough time with this right now, what's the guarantee that this won't remain the same by the age of 30 ?

Sure, that certainly isn't going to scare women away when I'm honest about how my dating life has progressed through the next 8 years.

[Teraskas]

I would not have wanted to learn about that on the first date. This does not in any way attract her to you. I understand that thought is right up there front and center in your head, but it isn't a good idea to share every thought that crosses your mind.

 

Think for a minute: What do you think her reaction was on learning of your 2 years of involuntary celibacy?

 

Given the fact that she personally told me that she still was a virgin, as well as had this explicity written on her OLD profile, I didn't see the harm in telling her.

So much for the appreciation of honesty.

[organizedchaos]

The fact that women are socialized to find this somehow a bad thing is the reason they have to deal with a-holes in the dating scene - It's because they are practically screaming for the bad boy which shows in how they respond to genuine males like this.

 

This guy is a prime candidate for MGTOW and the women who have a problem with that movement just usher guys like him even further along in the process than his male counterparts egging him on. Sigh.

 

Happens in professional life too. A two year gap of not working on your resume makes employers think something must be wrong that no one else has hired you, an it will work against your favor in landing a job. Sucks, I know, but that's how it goes. Same in dating.

[Teraskas]

Happens in professional life too. A two year gap of not working on your resume makes employers think something must be wrong that no one else has hired you, an it will work against your favor in landing a job. Sucks, I know, but that's how it goes. Same in dating.

 

Which unfortunately yet again goes to show how shallow and narrow minded society has become.

Don't get me wrong, in those 2 years I have 'worked on my resume' by gaining experience in the dating realm which I previously didn't have.

What I did not mention is that I've had cancer.

(ironically it was discovered on the same day that I was dumped. Talk about yet another crushing blow to one's confidence.)

I've told this once or twice to women I was dating when they were genuinely interested in my personal life and past.

Needless to say, they ran for the hills.

I did not ask for this to happen, yet I'm constantly being judged because of it.

Not exactly anything I can do to change it, but I learned not to bring it up anymore until that person is actually emotionally invested into me, and the other way around.

I have yet to see that last thing happen though... :/