Harping on what she did during short break

[Mb1976]

To make a long story short:

 

My gf and I were dating about a year and half when I broke up with her. We were very serious and in love, and she was in the process of moving in with me. But I was unhappy and discontented and thought, perhaps, we were not right for each other. I met a girl out one night and began texting her. My gf saw the texts after she looked at my phone and after an argument I broke up with her. She was crushed.

 

After a few days, I began doubting the decision and after about a week I was texting her nonstop and wanted her back. After 2-3 weeks of being broken up, we decided to give it another try.

 

We have been back together for three months. We are very happy. I am a new person. Being apart from her put things in perspective for me. I was asking myself the wrong questions. My priorities were screwed up. Now, all I want is for us to love each other and be good to each other, and raise a family together.

 

But I know she was intimate with one guy, maybe two, during the short break. I know she spent the night over two guys’ places. I don’t know if she had sex with anyone. She claims she didn’t but I know she is lying about things. She claims that she only kissed the one guy, and that the other guy was a gay friend. After we got back, I snooped through her phone and facebook, and the things I saw lead me to believe that more happened.

 

The thought of her being with others during the break is devastating.

 

I have been seeing a therapist about this. His take on this is: I have to let it go or end the relationship. I understand his reasoning, as I cannot let this fester. I only wonder if I will be able to get over this, and how long it will take.

 

Now, I guess I am looking for three things from y'all, and I appreciate all views and opinions.

 

>>First, has anyone been through this, and if so, does the pain lessen or cease? Part of me thinks this will not be a big deal in a year. But its been three months and it still hurts intensely at times.

 

>>Second, I know it is subjective, but should I just get over this? This is certainly not an issue of fault. I am at fault for breaking up with her. We were not together when these things might have happened. That being said, there is a lot of anger and frustration. Plus I never saw her as a person who would be with two guys in such a short period of time. But I know she was hurt, depressed, and hated me so perhaps that is the cause.

 

>>Third, should I talk to her about this? I don’t know what details will do. It seems like a way of simply torturing myself. But perhaps it helps with closure. But she has made it known that she does not want to discuss the past anymore. But I think she is scared that I know, or that I will not be able to get over it.

 

Thank you in advance for all comments and advice. I am at a place where I feel that I have really screwed myself. I am so happy to be with my gf. We are in love. We are happy. But I have not been able to get over this. Part of me believes that i will get through this. But there are good days and bad days. The past two days have been rough.

 

Thanks.

Edited February 10, 2014 by Mb1976

[Philosoraptor]

Your therapist is right, either let it go or end it for good. You seem to understand that if you had not ended the relationship this situation would not have happened.

 

Perhaps your issue lies with not being able to let go how you put yourself in this situation, more than what she did when the two of you were apart?

 

Was she intimate with others before the two of you had met? If so, this is no different. You two were not a couple and she owed you no loyalties. Many people rebound to help avoid the pain from the ending of the relationship.

 

Details will not help, sorry. The more you know the more you will question and visualize. You need to battle this internally and find a way to get over it and enjoy the time you have with her.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Uh oh, someone pee'd on your territorial spot on the tree, did they?

 

This is all goes back to "control" and an entitled spot that you think is yours. It's not. And never will be.

 

That's not fair to her.

 

Yes, it hurts. But are you going to let that come between you? I hope not. You just gotta let it go if you want to move forward with her.

 

What happens during a break, stays in the break. It's none of your business what she did, after all, she was single and did nothing wrong. You left her and she did what she wanted. Don't use that against her for your mistakes.

 

As far as your personal issues about someone being inside of her other than you, well that stems from insecurity/control. If it is more than you can handle, than I would suggest moving on. If you can be a human and understand that things happen and it meant nothing and that she CHOSE YOU, then you can work on the relationship.

 

I'm not saying I wouldn't be hurt if I were in your position, I would be. But next time you break up with someone, think long and hard about it.

[tlegend]

Long story short...you broke up with your gf for another girl. She was devastated. You crawl back a few weeks later, and now, MONTHS later, you are re-hashing what happened during your break?

 

I agree, what happened during that time period isn't your concern. However, I believe that if she can't be honest with who she slept with during the 2-3 weeks that you were seperated....how on God's green Earth can you trust anything else she tells you of importance?

 

Maybe she isn't going to tell you the truth because of how you will react? Maybe you should look inward to your reaction to unfavorable news and then judge accordingly.

 

Now, with all that being said.... I feel the true issue lies with what you can trust this girls says...and not who she slept with.

 

She can't tell you the truth about sleeping with someone else and you can't even admit to yourself that you broke it off with your poor girlfriend for the chance with some other girl..

[lolablue17]

You know, its like our body has the "pain" mechanism, that protects us from dangers, here its the same.

 

If you want a very long term relationship with her, this incident will keep you away from taking her for granted. her being with other guy during the break up, is just the little "pain" you need.

 

be greatful. bless it. its a gift.

Edited February 10, 2014 by lolablue17
mistake

[Mb1976]

Thank you Philosoraptor, BlessYourCottonSocks, tlegend, and lolablue17. Your comments are very helpful.

 

She is wonderful. This is my fault. I understand that. If I were her, I don’t know if could have forgiven me the way she has. For that I am grateful. Second chances are rare and I am grateful for our second chance, and I am so grateful for her.

 

I think I agree that details will not help. And perhaps my feelings stem from insecurity/control issues. Some days, when my mood is high, that all makes sense and I can deal with this. But on bad days, like today, it hurts greatly.

 

I didn’t break up with her because of the other girl. In fact, after we broke up, I didn’t speak to other girls. I only thought of my gf. Before I broke it off, I felt that perhaps my unhappiness and discontentedness stemmed from our relationship. We were not getting along and our schedules conflicted. But I realized when I had to live without her that my unhappiness was my general unhappiness with myself, and that we were great together.

 

I understand what she did (regardless of what she did). I would have done the same or worse. I don’t want to use this against her. I love her too much to put her through any pain, if it can be helped. I will do anything and everything to make this work. I feel we will be able to get through this.

 

I guess I am simply looking for a way to look at this that will somehow make it easier. I need to be grateful for the second chance. I would be unhappy and full of regret if we were not together. I am just sulking, I suppose. I need to accept things as they are and deal with the situation that I created.

 

Thanks again for you comments, and I appreciate any other opinions or insights.

[Chi townD]

Double edge sword... Dude, you broke up with her. So, she doesn't HAVE to tell you squat about what happened during the break.

 

However, If her not being forthcoming with the truth is damaging your relationship, the cut ties and bolt.

 

I mean, hell, you stated that you already found evidence that a lot more than a "kiss" happened....okay, so what does that change? The thing is, she doesn't want to tell you the truth because things are going so well for the two of you right now and she doesn't want to rock the boat by telling you she was sleeping around mere days after you dumped her for just a couple of reasons.

 

1. She doesn't owe you an explanation.

 

2. If she told you, then it would cause a massive rift into what you two are trying to put back together.

 

3. She might be ashamed about what she did and would rather not be reminded of it.

 

4. If you knew the truth, then she knows she would probably lose you again.

 

But, the only reason why I see it that she should be forth right and honest with you is if she was sexually active during the break, you sort of need to know for your own health and safety. Therefore, I would STRONGLY suggest that the two of you get checked out for a clean bill of health.

 

 

See, that's what I don't get about folks nowadays. If OP went back to his Ex and said that he wanted to get back with her. Her easiest response should have been, "Okay, I understand that you want to get back with me, and I do as well. But, I need to be honest with you. This, this and this happened during the break. Now, it's up for you to decide if you're still interested in exploring a new relationship with me, or we just continue to be broken up. Given this new information, I'll let you decide what you want to do."

[AAlike]

The position that you are in isn't an uncommon one - where you decide logically that you are OK with the situation but your emotions don't just "get over it" and it's hard to figure out why. That's because although you decide whether or not you can come to terms with what happened relatively quickly, the accompanying heartbreak, whether merited or not, is purely an emotional issue. And thus getting over it is a process that is much slower, like getting over grief, and involves a lot more than just "deciding you are OK with it."

 

In that sense, I don't think talking to her is going to help anything, in fact it will probably slow that process as you will continue to obsess. You know what happened at this point and there is no magic phrase that she can say that will all of a sudden make your heartache go away. and while normally I would agree that truthfullness is a key component of a successful relationship, in situations like this I completely understand why she is not all about full disclosure.

[PegNosePete]

The fact that she is continuing to lie is probably more troubling than the actual act. If she can't be honest with you then what else is she lying about?

 

I would end it.

[Mb1976]

The fact that she is continuing to lie is probably more troubling than the actual act. If she can't be honest with you then what else is she lying about?

 

I would end it.

 

Thanks everyone for your comments. If she was up front and honest, we probably wouldn't be together right now. I understand why she lied about it. If the only lies she tells concern the ****storm I created, I'm OK with that.

 

As far as I'm concerned, this is now a new and improved relationship. Clean slate. I'm choosing to trust her. If she lies in the future, we'll deal with it then. But as of now she only lied because she knew that the truth would have ended us.

 

I know there will be good days and bad days in connection with my harping. I only hope the bad days become fewer and farther between. Today is a good day. I feel really good about our relationship. I'm grateful for a second chance. This whole effed up situation that I caused has made me learn many lessons about myself and my relationship. I'm better for it. Ideally, in an alternate reality, I would have been wiser and not have broken up with her. But in this reality, which is all I got, I'm in the best possible situation. She came back to me. We are happy. Now I just need to get over what happened.

[AAlike]

I actually think you should dump her, and here is why: regardless of you breaking up with her, if she truly loved you then she absolutely would not be having sex with other dudes after just 2-3 weeks.

 

Not sure how you can make this statement "absolutely". It's not uncommon at all for someone getting out of a relationship to seek companionship - in fact I bet it's quite common. The time frame doesn't really matter - if someone had told me that they feel "unhappy and discontented and thought, perhaps, we were not right for each other" I certainly wouldn't expect to have them trying to patch things up in a few weeks nor would I wait around to see if they were.

 

If she is the type of girl who feels the need to sleep around just because she is hurt, why do you want her?

 

What "need"? Maybe she is the type of girl that doesn't have a problem with sex when she is single. there's quite a few of them. I know that I'm that type of guy. It is perfectly within OP's right to decide that her actions don't sync with his expectations, but to say that they are indicative of her not loving him is just not accurate.

 

However, her actions clearly show she can't be in love with you.

 

I would be interested in hearing you explain why her actions clearly show this.

 

If she is the type who can be in love with one dude while sleeping with another..why do you want a girl like that?

 

if my wife dumped me out of the blue tomorrow I can tell you with absolute 100% certainty that:

 

A) I would definitely still love her

B) I would be working constantly towards getting her back

C) I would not turn down sex in the interim solely based on the fact that I still loved her and/or on the premise that it would somehow impede my desire to get her back or the chance to get her back

 

so by your logic, I don't really love her, right?

 

Not to mention, was she leading this other guy on? Did he think she was into him because she was banging him? Those would be more red flags in terms of how she treats people.

 

This part I think is a fair statement.

 

So really, don't let people make you feel bad for being upset over this. You absolutely should be upset over the fact she is probably lying about just what she did. Again: it might not be your business what she did, but then she should of just said "it aint your business". Since she decided to answer, she owes you the truth..

 

OP do you really think that if she had said "it ain't your business" you would have said "oh, OK, sorry I asked!" and the conversation would have ended?

 

So bottom line: she is certainly free to sleep with who she wants if you are on a break. But you are also 100% within your rights to be questioning if she really loves you based on her behavior.

 

Sure, I think lots of people question that fact all the time during relationships!

 

Also please don't just brush off the fact she is lying to you, I don't care if you were broken up, she owes you honesty if she decides to answer a question. If she didn't want you to know she should of simply said "sorry not your business so I am not answering". Just because something isn't your business doesn't give her the right to lie to you if she decides to answer.

 

Look I see what you are saying here, but again, OP I'd ask you to play out the scenarios of what would have happened had she said "none of your business" or been 100% truthful.

[tlegend]

She slept with 2 guys. It happened.

 

She's never going to fess up because you have absolutely no way to prove it. She already lied to keep you around, do you honestly think she wouldn't lie to keep you around....again?

 

However, its up to you to do what you want with the information at hand.

 

Personally, I've been in this situation.

 

I walked away. JThompkins makes a good point, and that point had me walking away. Do what you will with the information at hand.

[AAlike]

If she's really in love with the guy, she isn't hooking up with possibly 2 other men less then a week after. She also isn't doing it after he starts trying to get her back..unless she never intends on getting back with him. The details of the OP's post show this. Remember, they were only broken up 2-3 weeks. He began trying to get back with her a lot after only 1 week. I do feel that time frame does matter. To take it to an even more extreme, but what if she slept with this guy 1 hour after the relationship ended. You are really going to argue that is not worse then if she had waited a few weeks?

 

geez - I mean yes, there is probably an extreme that you can take it to that would be indicative of a problem - if a guy walked out of her bedroom closet and said "FINALLY" the instant that he broke up with her, then yes, that might be a bad indicator...haha.

 

but as far as a couple of days? honestly I bet that's when most "rebound" stuff happens...when you are actively transitioning from regular initimacy. if you think that it's worse, you are certainly entitled to that opinion. It's only that you state it as some kind of universal truth that I am taking issue with.

 

Except the problem on there is a difference between having sex when you are single, and having sex immediately after a break up of a long term relationship.

 

Maybe she does love him, but her doing this shows she definitely isn't IN love with him. The first thing on her mind wouldn't be hooking up with other guys if she was.

 

Let me say though obviously this is just my opinion, I can't claim with 100% certainty she isn't in love. It's just from my point of view there is a certain way one behaves when truly in love with another person, regardless of if you guys are even technically together at the time.

 

Why does it have to be "the first thing on her mind"? Statements like that and your use of "boned" and "banged" throughout the discussion lead me to believe that you think that the act of sex is way more shocking and way less circumstantial than I do.

 

I know people that have sex with other people while they are married. would I be able to do this? no. but do they seem at all less in love than any of the other couples that I know? no.

 

Simple, she either boned 2 men(I don't buy the gay thing for a second, especially since the OP suspects she is already lying about one) less then a week after breaking up. Or waited and saw he was desperately trying to get back with her, then decided to go hook up with two other men before then taking him back. I'm sorry, to me those are not the actions of a woman in love.

 

You say this like it was some master plan. I don't really think I will be able to change this scenario in your head, but there are certainly other ways that this could have played out other than what you've laid out here.

 

To be honest, I don't want to make any real judgments about you and your wife, but I'd honestly be uneasy with the fact you would be constantly trying to get her back, but also willing to sleep with other women while doing so. If I was really trying hard to get my wife back I definitely would not sleep with other women if the situation presented itself.

 

Just curious, have you even been married?

 

Why does this matter? It doesn't give her the right to lie. If she doesn't want to tell him fine, but then just say so. If he can't handle it then nobody is forcing her to get back with him. I agree with you that it is her right to decide what is or isn't his business, but once she actually decides to answer the question she should be honest.

 

Again I can ideally see your point, but oftentimes "it's none of your business" gets construed as an admission of something, and that something is then left up to the imagination of the person that asked the question.

[peruano99]

She was crushed you broke up with her, yet she slept with two dudes weeks after. She wasn't crushed you broke up with her.

 

 

Edit: You had a one night stand while in a relationship with her? Well, you can't blame her now. At least she didn't cheat on you like you did to her.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I actually think you should dump her, and here is why: regardless of you breaking up with her, if she truly loved you then she absolutely would not be having sex with other dudes after just 2-3 weeks. Sorry, you not being together doesn't suddenly negate feelings. If she is the type of chick who can be in love with one guy, but bang another(possibly two)..why do you even want her?

 

Sorry, but this isn't true in all scenarios. I was utterly and completely heartbroken after my two serious exes left me, the pain was so overwhelming, I adored them and loved them and would happily have committed to spending the rest of my life with them until they ended it. Part of the healing process for me was to have sex with somebody else soon after, once I knew for sure there was no going back. I felt like while I was still not sleeping with anyone new I was being 'faithful' to the ex, and it killed me. I didn't want to look back and see that they were the last person I was intimate with, I needed to wipe that slate. Of course I still loved them while I was banging someone new, and of course I made it clear to the new guy that it wasn't anything emotional it was just sex. Did it help? Yep!

 

Who cares if I'm the kind of chick that can be in love with one guy and bang another? They chose to throw that love away so hanging onto it like it's something special to be cherished and something meaningful is not my style. I don't hang around waiting for people to change their minds. And some of us see sex as just sex. Lots of people get over the pain of a breakup by sleeping with somebody new. It doesn't reflect at all on the strength of your feelings for the person that left.

 

So OP whatever you decide to do, I hope you don't feel as though what she did on the break was a reflection on how strongly or weakly she felt about you. She was probably so devastated she sought comfort anywhere she could. The fact that she gave you a second chance after breaking her heart is sign enough that she loved and loves you.

 

The worrying part is that she felt she had to lie. You say you wouldn't be together now if she'd told the truth? There are some serious communication issues going on between you both, there. Lying because you're scared the other person will leave you really isn't a good basis for a relationship and I'm concerned in case this dynamic seeps out into other areas of your relationship.

 

In short, you fcked up and she didn't do anything wrong. I don't know how you let this go, but you must if you're to move on with her in your life. You got real lucky she gave you another chance, don't blow it.

[Kate9292]

I agree 100% with acrosstheuniverse.

 

You two were broken up, she was free to sleep with whoever she wanted and so were you.

 

And it doesn't mean she didn't care about you. She probably had many strong emotions for you and wanted some peace of mind by taking focus of you. Which made sense because you two were broken up so why should she never move on if she didn't even know you wanted her back? And if she knew, why would you break up at all?

 

Once you said you wanted her back it was already done. She can't take it back. She shouldn't even want to as she did completely nothing wrong.

 

If you want to be with her, you have to move on. There is no way you can have great relationship if you hold a grudge against her for something she did when you weren't even together. If you can't do that, set her free.

[OpheliaSong]

I actually think you should dump her, and here is why: regardless of you breaking up with her, if she truly loved you then she absolutely would not be having sex with other dudes after just 2-3 weeks. Sorry, you not being together doesn't suddenly negate feelings. If she is the type of chick who can be in love with one guy, but bang another(possibly two)..why do you even want her?

 

Also, another big problem is the lying. She says she only kissed these guys, but spent the night at his place? I find that hard to believe, she totally slept with this guy, or at least did more then kissing. May I ask you what the texts you found said to make you think she was lying to you? Also, were these messages sent AFTER you got back together? Since she sure as hell shouldn't be messaging guys she banged after getting back with you, again this behavior is shady and speaks volumes. Even if the messages were from before you got back together..still doesn't mean she should be lying.

 

Bottom line, if she loved you she wouldn't of hopped into bed with another guy so soon after. If she is the type of girl who feels the need to sleep around just because she is hurt, why do you want her? If she is the type of girl who will lie to you about what she did during a break, why do you want her? If she feels you don't deserve to know what happened fine, but once she decided to answer your questions she owes you honesty.

 

So I'm thinking you are kind of ignoring some MAJOR red flags in this all because you feel like this is your fault because you broke up with her. Don't let people convince you of that. She is certainly free to see others if you aren't together, but her actions also speak volumes about how she truly feels about you, she wouldn't of jumped into bed so soon, and she wouldn't be lying about it.

 

You did the right thing by breaking up with her before anything happened with another girl, and while she certainly free to do what she wants after this, if she was in love with you she definitely wouldn't be sleeping with other men so soon. Thing is, I don't think you need to just "get over" what happened. See, this is where people make mistakes when it comes to this. People will come and harp on you and say its not like she cheated, which is true. However, her actions clearly show she can't be in love with you. I know some will disagree and will say she is hurt, etc. But like I said, if she is the type who can be in love with one dude while sleeping with another..why do you want a girl like that? Not to mention, was she leading this other guy on? Did he think she was into him because she was banging him? Those would be more red flags in terms of how she treats people.

 

So really, don't let people make you feel bad for being upset over this. You absolutely should be upset over the fact she is probably lying about just what she did. Again: it might not be your business what she did, but then she should of just said "it aint your business". Since she decided to answer, she owes you the truth.

 

So bottom line: she is certainly free to sleep with who she wants if you are on a break. But you are also 100% within your rights to be questioning if she really loves you based on her behavior. You broke up with her, but you didn't force her to bang another dude so soon after..that was a choice she made. Also please don't just brush off the fact she is lying to you, I don't care if you were broken up, she owes you honesty if she decides to answer a question. If she didn't want you to know she should of simply said "sorry not your business so I am not answering". Just because something isn't your business doesn't give her the right to lie to you if she decides to answer.

 

By this argument, one could say if the OP really loved his gf, he wouldn't have texted other girls while in the commitment of a relationship. She did her bad after the relationship was over, he did his while still in it and he has no idea what she did. He is just speculating and making a mountain out of a molehill because he feels like another dog peed on his tree. I agree they should break up though. He isn't mature enough to be in a relationship, and she isn't strong enough to reject someone who threw her away like garbage.

[salparadise]

...if she truly loved you then...

...if she loved you she wouldn't of ...

...If she is the type of girl who

...if she was in love with you she definitely wouldn't be...

...her actions clearly show she can't be in love with you...

...like I said, if she is the type who can be...

 

Hear ye, hear ye: The self-evident truth according to JThompkins? Dude, do you actually believe in these fairy tale "if this, then that" crap that you're making up?

 

OP, it's complicated, obviously. There is no "if this, then" rule. You have to accept what is even though it's a bitter pill. You broke up with her and she banged somebody. Now your ego and sense of justice are all bruised––you want her back but... She's doing her best to work things out but you're slut shaming her. Your fairy tale madonna/whore fantasy is turning it into a lose-lose for both of you. The way to resolve this is to accept that it was your actions that initiated all of this drama, and you've already demonstrated that you can't deal with it. You simply have to decide if you want to be with her now, given all that has happened, and if so then let it go and quit trying to hold her accountable. If you can't then let her go and accept that you screwed up big time.