Telling mother about secret relationship

[GH3]

Hello everyone, I've been in a secret, long distance relationship for seven months. In order to understand my problem, it's necessary to know how I ended up in this position.

 

 

So the short hand version: I met my love during my senior high school year at a college campus (he happens to be bit older than me). We talked for 4 months and then decided that we wanted to be together.

 

 

Sounds simple, but the problem: My mother meets him, thinks he's a cool person, but the day we decided we wanted to be together officially, we spend a little too long talking about it and end up coming late to my very, very upset mother.

 

 

Mother disapproves for several reasons:

1. she thinks we're both immature

2. He hasn't finished school yet (although he's dangerously close)

3. She doesn't want me to date anyone (although I'm 18 and going to university full-time)

4. She doesn't want me to get distracted from school (although I've talked to him often and managed to graduate from college classes with honors while in high school)

 

 

So what happens: We used to call each other often, but my mother told me he shouldn't call late at night (I thought fair enough, the reason he did was his 12-13 hour job)

 

 

We call each other during his work breaks: Mother says I shouldn't talk to him as often or provoke any interest on his part.

 

 

To make sure I don't: She almost gets rid of the household unlimited plan, checks my texts, obtains my Facebook password, checks my phone records, and tells me to charge all my devices in the kitchen

 

 

At this point I had enough, so: I change my Facebook password, she got angry, says I will be watched 24/7 at university (don't worry, she has no means of doing that), and threatened to not help me with my college expenses

 

 

Did I panic? Yes, I did.

 

 

My love and I talked about it: Since we couldn't see or call each other, we waited until I moved to university ( 1 hour and 10 minutes away from my parents, 1 hour and away from him)

 

 

We've been together 7 months now and he visits every two weeks

(Yes, my grades are still good).

 

 

However, now hiding my relationship from my parents and half the world has become a bit emotionally troublesome for me.

 

 

I talked to him about it and he suggested:

1. We stop (we don't want to do that and we'd eventually just end up seeing each other again)

2. We tell my parents and if they decide to cut me off, I could pay rent at his parents' house and live there (although I don't know how school would work out)

3. we wait until I can finally stand on my own and then tell (hopefully that'll be in the near future like somewhere in the next two semesters, but I'm not sure)

 

 

We want our relationship to work out, but he says it's important for me to be holding up well. I know I'm not limited to those three specific options, so what can I do?

 

 

P.S. I only mention Mother because Father lives across the country

[David87]

Your boyfriend's third suggestion sounds reasonable enough. Your parent's only want what's best for you.

[Star_Bound]

GH3 -

 

I can see all sides of this and where everyone is coming from. I'm not sure what type of cultural and/or religious background you may have, but many times that can have a lot to do with it. If you are now in college, but your parents are funding it for you, then I do understand how the parent has the upper hand here. You don't want to hide this, because it'll come out in the open at some point on its own. I've been in that boat before while in college.

 

I do wonder....is there something else your mother is worried about that she may not be expressing? If you're in college, you're at least 18, yes? You need to learn to stand on your own feet, and in my personal opinion, you should be at a point in your life where you're doing just that. Many people learn who they are in college. It's a time of new experiences, personal tests and exploring what it is you want out of life.

 

I'd make sure your mother knows that you'd never do something to intentionally hurt her, and that you do respect her wishes, but she needs to be giving you the room you need to grow as a person.

[Tayla]

Time to Grow those wings, Sorry that your parent isn't recalling those younger years of folly and delight. Since we only have your perspective, I shall share a simple idea. You are an adult, plain and simple. We get to pretty much do what we want on our relationship grounds. We also get to take the heat for any poor choices, its that part of being responsible that parents often question. You seem though to be concerned for how your parents view you. Ask yourself simply, How would I want my daughter to be independent, what would I say to her? Then simply do it. There are times to be respectful and a time to let go with love. She and you need to grow into that adult relationship that gains admiration . I do not think your boyfriend is the problem, its that you are growing away from them and towards him that has them feeling a slight loss...

[GH3]

Yes, it is a difficult choice and I know that they'll have to know sooner or later. I don't think it ever got through to my mother how much he means to me now because I realized I fell in love with him a bit after I moved away to college. My mother thought it was just a temporary thing and that I'd get over it once I started meeting people here. Once she even started talking about the idea of me being with somebody in a positive light over the phone. That conversation made me realize she was just trying to create distance between him and I from the beginning. Don't get me wrong I've met a lot of people on campus, but I just want to be with him. I know that if anything happens, I will keep fighting to be with him. However, I don't know that my parents will understand that.

[Tayla]

Its not THEIR relationship to understand . The only concern they can have as a parent is that you are healthy, responsible, and happy in your young adult years. Beyond that, you all just need a sit down chat on where the adult lines are drawn. Parents do not get to chose who you love....anymore then you get to tell them who they can love. Seriously, have a straight up talk with your mom, I think you'll find that her controlling ways are due in part to her feeling that you are growing far faster then her heart can tend. Parents can sometimes think their kids as possessions and not as a genuine independent thinking being.

[GH3]

Parents can sometimes think their kids as possessions and not as a genuine independent thinking being.

 

 

 

Yeah, it has gotten out of hand. My mother wants me to be so, but doesn't think I am is more of the problem. Going to college, I handled my self pretty well with my studies, which was her main concern. I'll just have to find a good way and good timing to say something.