My husband and my OM have made plans without me

[AutumnMoon]

My OM and I have been kind of low contact lately and I just thought he was busy, I knew things were crazy at home but I didn't ask him about it and just thought he would come to me if needed. We have spend time together but mostly as friends.. Besides a couple heavy make out sessions, we are so teenage like :/ nervous and always waiting for the other to make a move. It's all very immature when I think about it sometimes.

We talk about such intimate things at times, things neither of us would ever talk to anyone else about. But then I'll be completely unaware about other things I really should know about.

last night my husband calls.. He's Been away for the last ten days working, but him and my OM met up with a few other people in a near by city over the weekend. My husband tells me OM's wife is driving him crazy, and he's considering separation. He doesn't want his marriage to end but he really thinks they need an extended amount of time living apart if they have any chance at a future together at all. Now my husband knows I spend a lot of time with OM he's always totally fine with it, even knowing OM is openly attracted to me, he's still always been secure that I would never do it. But I was genuinely taken back and said truthfully that he had never mentioned to me he was thinking of leaving her, in fact he has always said the exact opposite!

My husband said it's likely he just didn't feel he could talk about that with me.. He said men don't open up about stuff like that to women friends and I shouldn't take it personal. He then told me that his wife and him had already discussed it and that my husband and OM wanted him to move in with US in the meantime.

 

I can't even begin to explain my confusion. I don't even a little bit understand why he never talked to me about this. My husband said that he told him he just wanted to clear the possibility with him first before bringing it up with me.. So I asked, was it OM's idea and my husband backtracked and said no he offered and they had both agreed it was a perfect scenario since he was going to be away a lot more very soon.

 

I overthink everything, but this all has my head spinning. I never say OM today and neither of us had contacted the other, until about a half hour ago when he texted me to see what I was doing. I just haven't responded yet because I'm really honestly in shock I think.

[2sunny]

I think you better seriously consider saying absolutely no to him moving in with you.

 

God - what a nightmare your M will be if that's considered.

 

As if things aren't complicated enough.

 

Just tell your husband no!

 

Or better yet - tell him your truth!

[HtotheN]

This almost sounds like a movie plot. I am not trying to make light of the situation but this sounds too dangerous. And I would also wonder as you are why OM kept this from you.

[Henni]

I overthink everything, but this all has my head spinning. I never say OM today and neither of us had contacted the other, until about a half hour ago when he texted me to see what I was doing. I just haven't responded yet because I'm really honestly in shock I think.

 

Woah you are NOT overthinking. This sounds really, really weird. Firstly, it's kind of weird that you husband says it's GOOD that another man who is openly attracted to you would be around when he is away with work. Secondly, it's very, very weird that the OM would come on all buddy-like to your husband and kind of 'clear it with him' that he would live in his house, pretend to be his appreciative friend, pretend to 'look after' the wife while he's away, and then have an affair with you under your husband's nose. Weird weird weird. Is there any chance either of these men are into polygamy or poly amorous relationships? I know there is always some level of deceit in all AP, but this OM is either really looking for more and more complicated ways to lie to your husband and maybe rub his nose in it, or else he really thinks you three could have some kind of three way thing. Alternately, perhaps your OM is just manipulating your husband in order to get the message to you that he is thinking about divorcing? You say you're like teenagers all nervous and stuff, is it likely he could be so teenagery that this was the only way he could bring up more serious stuff with you? Or is it likely that this was a spontaneous slightly drunken conversation where your OM was winging it while nervous and ended up making a complete mess of it? Finally, is there any chance that your husband actually suspects something and is gauging your reaction to see if it's true? I don't know - but right now, if I were you, I would be both disturbed and angry with your OM for going this route. I would call him and say i'm very sorry to hear about his impending divorce, and ask if it is true that he asked your husband if he could live with you. If that is true, then yuck. If it's not, then probably your husband is testing you. Either way, messy messy. Time to make a decision about what you want. Just my opinion....

 

Afterthought - could this be the male version of what is often termed a 'bunny boiler' here? Everything about this situation says 'get out - fast' to me, but then some people say polyamorous relationships work for them...

Edited February 11, 2014 by Henni

[Survivor12]

Considering the "oddness" of your H being so accepting of MM's interest in you, I can't help but wonder if perhaps HE is wanting out of the marriage & is setting it up so that you are the one to pull the trigger--particularly if he is having an affair himself. By facilitating an affair between you and MM, he could deflect "blame" for the demise of your marriage and make a clean escape. Even if he isn't wanting out of the marriage, you having an affair could help defuse his guilt).

 

...or of course, he could be hoping for a 3-some.

Edited February 11, 2014 by Survivor12

[road]

My OM and I have been kind of low contact lately and I just thought he was busy, I knew things were crazy at home but I didn't ask him about it and just thought he would come to me if needed. We have spend time together but mostly as friends.. Besides a couple heavy make out sessions, we are so teenage like :/ nervous and always waiting for the other to make a move. It's all very immature when I think about it sometimes.

We talk about such intimate things at times, things neither of us would ever talk to anyone else about. But then I'll be completely unaware about other things I really should know about.

last night my husband calls.. He's Been away for the last ten days working, but him and my OM met up with a few other people in a near by city over the weekend. My husband tells me OM's wife is driving him crazy, and he's considering separation. He doesn't want his marriage to end but he really thinks they need an extended amount of time living apart if they have any chance at a future together at all. Now my husband knows I spend a lot of time with OM he's always totally fine with it, even knowing OM is openly attracted to me, he's still always been secure that I would never do it. But I was genuinely taken back and said truthfully that he had never mentioned to me he was thinking of leaving her, in fact he has always said the exact opposite!

My husband said it's likely he just didn't feel he could talk about that with me.. He said men don't open up about stuff like that to women friends and I shouldn't take it personal. He then told me that his wife and him had already discussed it and that my husband and OM wanted him to move in with US in the meantime.

 

I can't even begin to explain my confusion. I don't even a little bit understand why he never talked to me about this. My husband said that he told him he just wanted to clear the possibility with him first before bringing it up with me.. So I asked, was it OM's idea and my husband backtracked and said no he offered and they had both agreed it was a perfect scenario since he was going to be away a lot more very soon.

 

I overthink everything, but this all has my head spinning. I never say OM today and neither of us had contacted the other, until about a half hour ago when he texted me to see what I was doing. I just haven't responded yet because I'm really honestly in shock I think.

 

 

 

 

 

Problem with starting new threads. It leaves us to guess to much to give advice.

 

 

You need to tell your BH about your affair and go NC with the OM.

[woinlove]

Agree with sunny that you should say no and consider telling him the truth.

 

You can't have your lover living with you and your children, never mind with your H when he is home. You've seemed a bit disconnected about the effect on your children when you've talked about you and MOM with each other's children, but now the situation is possibly moving right into their home 24/7.

[Trimmer]

Considering the "oddness" of your H being so accepting of MM's interest in you, I can't help but wonder if perhaps HE is wanting out of the marriage & is setting it up so that you are the one to pull the trigger--particularly if he is having an affair himself. By facilitating an affair between you and MM, he could deflect "blame" for the demise of your marriage and make a clean escape. Even if he isn't wanting out of the marriage, you having an affair could help defuse his guilt).

 

...or of course, he could be hoping for a 3-some.

...although guys tend not to go for the "Devil's Threesome." (But I suppose you take what you can get...)

[glow worm]

The really weird thing here is that your H thinks it would be great to have another man (who he knows is attracted to you) staying in your house with you while your H is away on business? I don't understand this at all, is your H trying to get you to start an affair (not knowing it's already happened?) Or maybe he's having one of his own and he would feel more validated if you had an affair too?

[Owl]

The really weird thing here is that your H thinks it would be great to have another man (who he knows is attracted to you) staying in your house with you while your H is away on business? I don't understand this at all, is your H trying to get you to start an affair (not knowing it's already happened?) Or maybe he's having one of his own and he would feel more validated if you had an affair too?

 

Or maybe he's a fool, and he trusts his wife not to cheat on him while he's away?

[AutumnMoon]

My husband is not trying to set it up so I have an affair. He had never felt threatened that I would with this specific guy. He has several reasons for trusting it would never happen none of which I really want to share because they are pretty specific and detailed. They are friends though, not as close as me and OM but they do talk and spend time together usually in a group setting though.

 

From what I've now been told they were both drinking, OM more than my husband, and started talking about us.. As in their wives.

Me and OM mostly leave our partners out of our discussions. Not completely but for the most part we don't complain to each other about them much. We talk about just about everything else but them.. But one thing that's always been said is he was not going to leave her.

 

My husband said it would me a temporary situation, we have a basement suit so it would really only be a matter of him moving his stuff in. I'm someone who is always helping and looking out for everyone else, so if anything my husband was a little surprised that I had reservations about him moving in, he knows we are close friends. I just said, truthfully, he had never given me any indication they had discussed separation. Not only that but apparently this has already been discussed with his wife too and she has always been aware me and her husband are very close, she used to be nervous he was on love with me but has since dropped that fear, it was over a year ago.. I still find it really crazy she would want him to move out. Especially in with me.

He had been pulling away a bit and I thought it's because he wanted us to slow down.

 

My husband is definitely not looking for any kind of threesome. As for if he's having an affair of his own, it's a big possibility. He's away much more than he's home. He is not the sharing type though and would never willingly share me with anyone else.

 

OM is coming over to talk to me within the hour. I'm hoping I get some answers.

[Sub]

The really weird thing here is that your H thinks it would be great to have another man (who he knows is attracted to you) staying in your house with you while your H is away on business? I don't understand this at all, is your H trying to get you to start an affair (not knowing it's already happened?) Or maybe he's having one of his own and he would feel more validated if you had an affair too?

 

I think he's just trusting that nothing's going on, or would go on. Because, ya know, it's his Wife and friend. (Silly, I know.) When I was in college, my girlfriend shared an apartment with one of my best friends. To me, there was some safety in knowing he was around her, and the thought never crossed my mind that something was going on. We were all friends, and I trusted them, so why would it?

[central]

Reading this, what occurs to me is that you have the potential for a polyamorous V-relationship - you and two men, your husband as primary, and the OM as secondary or perhaps even an equal/primary except for the legalities. Do you love them both? Or, is OM just a fling? Would having him live with you increase the attraction, or not? Perhaps your husband is encouraging a poly scenario, and will let you pursue as you wish.

[Owl]

My husband is not trying to set it up so I have an affair. He had never felt threatened that I would with this specific guy. He has several reasons for trusting it would never happen none of which I really want to share because they are pretty specific and detailed. They are friends though, not as close as me and OM but they do talk and spend time together usually in a group setting though.

 

From what I've now been told they were both drinking, OM more than my husband, and started talking about us.. As in their wives.

Me and OM mostly leave our partners out of our discussions. Not completely but for the most part we don't complain to each other about them much. We talk about just about everything else but them.. But one thing that's always been said is he was not going to leave her.

 

My husband said it would me a temporary situation, we have a basement suit so it would really only be a matter of him moving his stuff in. I'm someone who is always helping and looking out for everyone else, so if anything my husband was a little surprised that I had reservations about him moving in, he knows we are close friends. I just said, truthfully, he had never given me any indication they had discussed separation. Not only that but apparently this has already been discussed with his wife too and she has always been aware me and her husband are very close, she used to be nervous he was on love with me but has since dropped that fear, it was over a year ago.. I still find it really crazy she would want him to move out. Especially in with me.

He had been pulling away a bit and I thought it's because he wanted us to slow down.

 

My husband is definitely not looking for any kind of threesome. As for if he's having an affair of his own, it's a big possibility. He's away much more than he's home. He is not the sharing type though and would never willingly share me with anyone else.

 

OM is coming over to talk to me within the hour. I'm hoping I get some answers.

 

I have to say...you make it pretty clear that your H trusts you implicitly...and you betray that trust, apparantly with little remorse from all I've read here.

 

Wow. Bout all I can say. Wow.

 

I really and truly feel for your H.

 

Do you ever plan on freeing him from his blindspot where you're concerned?

[AutumnMoon]

Honestly owl, the man you are picturing in your head as my husband is probably very different from reality.

 

My husband is a hard, very old fashioned man, doesn't talk of feelings or sensitivity, does not think I would cheat with this guy because he considers him low class, and he considers himself the top of the pile. It's not so much he trusts me as he just thinks he's too good to ever have to worry about me wanting anyone else.

[AutumnMoon]

Reading this, what occurs to me is that you have the potential for a polyamorous V-relationship - you and two men, your husband as primary, and the OM as secondary or perhaps even an equal/primary except for the legalities. Do you love them both? Or, is OM just a fling? Would having him live with you increase the attraction, or not? Perhaps your husband is encouraging a poly scenario, and will let you pursue as you wish.

 

I don't think that's what my husband is doing but could very well be on OM's mind.

It's not a fling. I'm very in love with him. Which makes this crazier. I do not think he should move in. I wouldn't be able to control my feelings at all.

[carhill]

I do not think he should move in.

 

Was trying to find a simple answer here and think you provided one. If asked why, simply state you feel it's inappropriate. Set a boundary somewhere and work from there.

[Owl]

Honestly owl, the man you are picturing in your head as my husband is probably very different from reality.

 

My husband is a hard, very old fashioned man, doesn't talk of feelings or sensitivity, does not think I would cheat with this guy because he considers him low class, and he considers himself the top of the pile. It's not so much he trusts me as he just thinks he's too good to ever have to worry about me wanting anyone else.

 

Then why haven't you disabused him of this notion?

 

Why are you still married to him if he's this stuck up, and clearly not the husband that you want?

[AutumnMoon]

Then why haven't you disabused him of this notion?

 

Why are you still married to him if he's this stuck up, and clearly not the husband that you want?

 

I guess it's been in other threads but I have said why I'm with my husband. I've been with him for a decade, we have kids, we have a life, lots of extended family and friends and to divorce him means I would lose him completely, he would never remain on friendly terms, he sees me as a type of property and if we were no longer married I feel like he would just cut me out of his life rather than have to deal with seeing me with anyone else. I love him, but in a very different way than OM.

My husband has many good qualities, I could make lists a mile long for both men in both the pro and con sides.

 

Not asking you to understand but I am well aware I'm not alone in my feelings, lots of people have been in my position.

[Trimmer]

Honestly owl, the man you are picturing in your head as my husband is probably very different from reality.

 

My husband is a hard, very old fashioned man, doesn't talk of feelings or sensitivity, does not think I would cheat with this guy because he considers him low class, and he considers himself the top of the pile. It's not so much he trusts me as he just thinks he's too good to ever have to worry about me wanting anyone else.

That more accurate picture doesn't change the observation that he trusts you and you are betraying that trust, apparently with little remorse.

 

Then why haven't you disabused him of this notion?

 

Why are you still married to him if he's this stuck up, and clearly not the husband that you want?

That assumes she wants something to change. She has the husband she needs, and the AP she wants.

[Trimmer]

Honestly owl, the man you are picturing in your head as my husband is probably very different from reality.

 

My husband is a hard, very old fashioned man, doesn't talk of feelings or sensitivity, does not think I would cheat with this guy because he considers him low class, and he considers himself the top of the pile. It's not so much he trusts me as he just thinks he's too good to ever have to worry about me wanting anyone else.

That more accurate picture doesn't change the observation that he trusts you and you are betraying that trust, apparently with little remorse.

 

Then why haven't you disabused him of this notion?

 

Why are you still married to him if he's this stuck up, and clearly not the husband that you want?

That assumes she wants something to change. She has the husband she needs, and the AP she wants.

 

Was trying to find a simple answer here and think you provided one. If asked why, simply state you feel it's inappropriate.

Interestingly, she will have to come up with a suitable lie about why it's inappropriate. So she will end up deceptively sounding like she's concerned with being appropriate, to cover up the fact that she's having an affair. It may be less confusing just to let the OM come live in the basement for a while.

 

Set a boundary somewhere...

I don't know if you intended that to be as ironic as it ended up sounding...

 

{sorry for the weird double post - that was supposed to be an edit-to-add...}

[Owl]

That more accurate picture doesn't change the observation that he trusts you and you are betraying that trust, apparently with little remorse.

 

Which was indeed precisely my point. It sounds to me that although she claims to love him, she appears to feel that he deserves to be deceived and treated in this manner.

 

That assumes she wants something to change. She has the husband she needs, and the AP she wants.

 

Right...which is why there is nothing left for me to post as advice for her.

[AutumnMoon]

My OM just told me he didn't even know my husband had brought it up to me already and he was really sorry for shocking me with it. He meant to tell me first. He said they were drunk and he doesn't even remember who brought up the idea of him moving in first but he thinks it was my husband.

I asked why he suddenly was considering seperation and said it wasn't sudden at all, he just knew it's not what we had always agreed would happen so he didn't know how to tell me. He said he feels like half a man at home (they do not have sex) and he can't see living the rest of his life like that. He said moving in with me and the kids isn't about sex.. It's just because he would have nowhere else to go save for three hours away where his family is from, or renting a place and that's not really financially possible right now.

 

I expressed that this could be a set up of some kind between our spouses but he really doesn't think so.

 

He also asked if I had been thinking of separation or divorce.. I said it had crossed my mind of course it had.. But it's completely the opposite of what we have always said! We always knew we couldn't be together without a huge **** storm in our hometown even if we do divorce.. He says it's something we should think about. But that right now he's not planning to file for divorce he just wants to attempt a change of environment.

 

If he moves in here the entire town will be talking, as if they aren't already

[carhill]

 

Interestingly, she will have to come up with a suitable lie about why it's inappropriate. So she will end up deceptively sounding like she's concerned with being appropriate, to cover up the fact that she's having an affair. It may be less confusing just to let the OM come live in the basement for a while.

 

She can be authentic if she chooses, about her feelings: 'I feel it's inappropriate for him to live here. I would feel uncomfortable with him here'

 

Any man who continues to interrogate his wife after hearing those kinds of statements will generally get what's coming to him.

 

 

I don't know if you intended that to be as ironic as it ended up sounding...

 

My intention was authentic. Any process has to start at a single point. If nothing is changed, nothing changes. She has choices.

[Snipercatt]

he's not planning to file for divorce he just wants to attempt a change of environment.

 

Fine. BUT, it shouldn't be at your, or your husband's, expense.