My husband and my OM have made plans without me

[underwater2010]

Look you have said it yourself....him moving in a BAD decision. You will not be able to keep your hands off of him. DO NOT do it. Just don't. That is unless you want to get caught in the act....not just caught. Your husband is the least of your worries when it comes to getting caught....my money is on his wife!!!!

[whichwayisup]

I realize that. I have a crippling fear of abandonment and whether it's not a reason for some people to stay married.. It's a pretty big reason for me.

 

If your husband finds out about the affair that's been going on right under his nose, this is also double betrayal - He is trusts you and his friend, aka the OM, there's a pretty good chance he won't be so forgiving. For someone who has a fear of abandonment, you've put yourself in the worst kind of place by having an affair. When this blows up, and it will eventually, be prepared to lose everything, including all that you're used to, the lifestyle, and your h. Sorry to be blunt.

[whichwayisup]

Why is it likely to be out in the open? Unless we confessed I don't see how it's going to come out. Rumours are one thing but there is no proof at all.

 

Where there's smoke, there's usually fire and if your husband or his wife get suspicious, it won't be long before they find out - Between digging around, snooping, or even hiring a PI. Never say never.

[AutumnMoon]

I don't agree with everything that's been said but I agree very much that him moving in isn't the right choice.

I don't have time right now but I've voiced that to both of them and plans are already being made for him to rent a space, by chance it's less than a block away but it's not my basement.

I simply said it would be confusing for the kids and he agreed.

[AutumnMoon]

My mind kept picturing my kids seeing how we are around each other alone. Right now we have that very controlled but if we lived in the same house, especially with my husband working 3 weeks on, I feel like we would get comfortable and my kids would see that.. Or see us doing more. We have never done anything with our kids in the house, and obviously I would like to believe I never would, but I don't always trust myself. I never thought I'd be doing this either.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It is good that you are starting to realize the possible impact on your children, as they would be the most likely to catch you having sex with the OM if he lived there full time.

 

Have you considered going to IC to deal with your past? As a general rule, using other people to make ourselves feel better/hide/soothe from past hurts rarely works.

[Sub]

You're definitely in a bind. I know that you think the chances of discovery are slim, but the foundation is being laid, IMO. Even though you're using the kids as an excuse, I'm sure your H is curious why you'd really be against this. Heck, even if he doesn't, I'm sure he talks to other human beings at some point. Just the mention of the situation could spark a conversation. Another guy at work mentions the possibility, and we're off to the races.

 

Aside from all of that, it appears the OM is really starting to crack. Now that he'll be out of his own situation, the two of you are no longer on even footing, with the same responsibilities, attachments, etc. Which seemed to be one of the reasons it worked for you.

[woinlove]

My OM just told me he didn't even know my husband had brought it up to me already and he was really sorry for shocking me with it. He meant to tell me first. He said they were drunk and he doesn't even remember who brought up the idea of him moving in first but he thinks it was my husband.

 

Interesting that both your H and the OM were vague on who brought this up. Kind of a big thing to bring up and neither seems to have had any problem remembering that it was brought up and remembering they both thought it was a good idea apparently.

 

I asked why he suddenly was considering seperation and said it wasn't sudden at all, he just knew it's not what we had always agreed would happen so he didn't know how to tell me. He said he feels like half a man at home (they do not have sex) and he can't see living the rest of his life like that.

 

Bad sign. He doesn't tell you about things that he thinks you don't want to hear. Of course, you know he already behaves like this with his wife, but often APs think the person behaves differently with them. Maybe some do, but that wasn't my personal experience, although it took me a while to learn that. In any case, you now know this is a trait of his with you too.

 

He said moving in with me and the kids isn't about sex.. It's just because he would have nowhere else to go save for three hours away where his family is from, or renting a place and that's not really financially possible right now.

 

It says a lot about this man that, under the circumstances, he thinks the convenience of relying on the generosity of your H, outweighs any other option. I'm not surprised he doesn't have any other friends nearby that he could similarly impose on. And I'm beginning to understand your H's point of view of you being with this man. If you end up divorced and tie you future to this man, I think you are in for a rude awakening. Perhaps you should strive to see things from a bit of a different perspective now if you can. IC would likely help.

 

He also asked if I had been thinking of separation or divorce.. I said it had crossed my mind of course it had..

 

Maybe also something to start thinking about more seriously. Given how things are moving, this doesn't seem that unlikely.

 

But that right now he's not planning to file for divorce he just wants to attempt a change of environment.

 

Do you know what that means? What does he hope to achieve by moving into your home with you and your family? Sounds to me like he is interested in divorce because otherwise it doesn't make any sense at all to me. Do you see it a different way?

 

If he moves in here the entire town will be talking, as if they aren't already

 

Don't worry about this. I don't think this is important. What's important is what this development means for you, your children, your H, your OM and his W. Sounds to me like you are involved with an OM who is willing to take huge risks with your family because he "wants to attempt a change of environment" and it is convenient for him….or, at least, that is what he says.

[AutumnMoon]

I guess his wife is pretty insistent he rent our basement suit. She feels like him moving in anywhere else is some kind of symbol that their marriage is over, and instead this is a trail separation.

 

My OM mentioned moving into some apartments nearby but she has asked him to please just stay here. I've talked to him about this but only by text, and my husband only by phone and text and I can understand where everyone I'd coming from, it makes perfect sense.. If they are ignoring or are unaware of the fact I'm in love with him.

OM assures me, it's business as usually in front of the kids. My husband has told me its happening.

 

I'm not going to confess to anything .. I do know that. I just need to talk to him in person and figure out exactly what he thinks moving in would be like.. Sitting on the couch together watching tv in the evenings, dinner together? That kind of thing? Or would he stay downstairs. I can't see that.

[woinlove]

I don't agree with everything that's been said but I agree very much that him moving in isn't the right choice.

I don't have time right now but I've voiced that to both of them and plans are already being made for him to rent a space, by chance it's less than a block away but it's not my basement.

I simply said it would be confusing for the kids and he agreed.

 

Wow, there was another option, bad as it's less than a block away, but not anywhere near as bad as in your own home.

 

So OM thought about moving out, even talked to his W and your H about moving out, but it seems that he never got around to actually planning where he would move to, except possibly moving hours away from his children or not having enough money to live on, or maybe living with you, but now, with you and your H's help, he now sees there is another option.

 

Sounds to me like you are in for some surprises with OM.

[Owl]

I guess his wife is pretty insistent he rent our basement suit. She feels like him moving in anywhere else is some kind of symbol that their marriage is over, and instead this is a trail separation.

One more reason why the truth really should be out there. She, like your husband, is working under the fallacy that the two of you are trustworthy when it comes to your marriages.

 

If your husband knew the truth, or if she knew the truth, there'd be no question.

 

My OM mentioned moving into some apartments nearby but she has asked him to please just stay here. I've talked to him about this but only by text, and my husband only by phone and text and I can understand where everyone I'd coming from, it makes perfect sense.. If they are ignoring or are unaware of the fact I'm in love with him.

 

They're not ignoring that fact...they're ignorant of that fact since you and OM aren't telling them the truth.

 

It makes sense to them based on their (false) assumption that they can trust the two of you without fear for their marriages with you both.

 

They have a higher regard for the two of you than either of you deserve at this point...and this is leading them to make some very foolish decisions based entirely on a lack of the full information of the situation.

 

If they knew the truth...they'd never consider this.

 

OM assures me, it's business as usually in front of the kids. My husband has told me its happening.

 

That's easy to say now...less easy to pull off when the two of you are sitting up late at night after the kids have gone to bed and Daddy is out on the road.

 

I'm not going to confess to anything .. I do know that. I just need to talk to him in person and figure out exactly what he thinks moving in would be like.. Sitting on the couch together watching tv in the evenings, dinner together? That kind of thing? Or would he stay downstairs. I can't see that.

 

Right...you can't see it 'cause it won't work. It's like asking the mice to guard the cheese.

 

I realize you won't confess...but you've got to see how this looks from this side of the internet.

 

How would you feel if OM were staying with a woman that you knew he was strongly attracted to and sleeping with already?

[woinlove]

I guess his wife is pretty insistent he rent our basement suit. She feels like him moving in anywhere else is some kind of symbol that their marriage is over, and instead this is a trail separation.

 

My OM mentioned moving into some apartments nearby but she has asked him to please just stay here. I've talked to him about this but only by text, and my husband only by phone and text and I can understand where everyone I'd coming from, it makes perfect sense.. If they are ignoring or are unaware of the fact I'm in love with him.

OM assures me, it's business as usually in front of the kids. My husband has told me its happening.

 

I'm not going to confess to anything .. I do know that. I just need to talk to him in person and figure out exactly what he thinks moving in would be like.. Sitting on the couch together watching tv in the evenings, dinner together? That kind of thing? Or would he stay downstairs. I can't see that.

 

I'm having trouble keeping up with the updates the reasoning. Have you talked to his W or is this all coming through him? Why was it stated that it was either 3 hrs away or he didn't have enough money before? Why was OM willing to go along with living in your basement until you said no? It's okay for you to say no, but not him? Why?

 

"perfect sense"?? If this kind of behavior by OM makes sense to you, I think it'd be useful for you to try to view it from another perspective.

[twosadthings]

How old are your children and what do you think their reaction will be when they walk in on one of your violent oral sex sessions with your boyfriend in your basement?

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

[whichwayisup]

Whatever flaws your H may have, you have to say it's a pretty gracious act to open up his home to the OM. I think that's why I find the OM's consideration of it, even if it's fleeting, so heinous.

 

Exactly. When there is a D-Day, your husband IS going to remember this. Then he's going to wonder how the heck you and OM allowed OM to stay in your house.

 

Can't the OM stay with his parents? Another relative or another friend? It's going to be really awkward and if your husband picks up on a weird energy between you and OM, that could cause him to question your closeness even more.

[whichwayisup]

I guess his wife is pretty insistent he rent our basement suit. She feels like him moving in anywhere else is some kind of symbol that their marriage is over, and instead this is a trail separation.

 

My OM mentioned moving into some apartments nearby but she has asked him to please just stay here. I've talked to him about this but only by text, and my husband only by phone and text and I can understand where everyone I'd coming from, it makes perfect sense.. If they are ignoring or are unaware of the fact I'm in love with him.

OM assures me, it's business as usually in front of the kids. My husband has told me its happening.

 

I'm not going to confess to anything .. I do know that. I just need to talk to him in person and figure out exactly what he thinks moving in would be like.. Sitting on the couch together watching tv in the evenings, dinner together? That kind of thing? Or would he stay downstairs. I can't see that.

 

Don't get bullied into allowing him to move into your basement. Just say you don't want to get involved and it would be best if he stayed somewhere else. This is asking for trouble..And it just isn't right either. Really, it isn't.

[dubliner]

So despite your insistence that this isn't a good idea, you voicing your objections to your H, he has "told" you it's going ahead anyway.

Wow, seems there's a whole load of disrespect in your relationship.

 

You do realise that it's one thing 'pretending' to be just friends when you have limited public contact but spending down time together in the home with your children and husband observing, it will become glaringly obvious you two are more than this. The level of comfort one has with an intimate partner cannot be easily hidden, there are so many little things that give it away and it won't take a PI or hard evidence to work that one out.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not going to confess to anything .. I do know that. I just need to talk to him in person and figure out exactly what he thinks moving in would be like.. Sitting on the couch together watching tv in the evenings, dinner together? That kind of thing? Or would he stay downstairs. I can't see that.

 

He shouldn't be hanging out with you (and your husband) 24/7.

 

Is he gonna pay some rent or is this at free place for him to stay? Also, put a time limit on this. A few weeks and then he has to go somewhere else otherwise you could have OM there for months and months.

[Sub]

Why doesn't the OM just tell his BW that it's best he be alone, separate from the possible influences of his "friends"?

 

This insistence by both parties seems so odd to me. The BW "used to be nervous" that her H was in love with the OP. The BH flat out asked "you want to **** him??" But now they're so insistent that the guy actually move into the house with her while the H is away for weeks at a time?

[AutumnMoon]

Why doesn't the OM just tell his BW that it's best he be alone, separate from the possible influences of his "friends"?

 

This insistence by both parties seems so odd to me. The BW "used to be nervous" that her H was in love with the OP. The BH flat out asked "you want to **** him??" But now they're so insistent that the guy actually move into the house with her while the H is away for weeks at a time?

 

We have been friends for years. He has stayed here on numerous occasions with and without my husband present, and we have never done anything the friends wouldn't do any of those times. My husband did not ask me that thinking I would say yes, he asked me because he '.knew' I would say no.

His wife has her reasons to feel like she does. People do not know my past, people have no reason to mistrust me. She believes I want their marriage to work, and she's right I've always wanted that.

[Owl]

We have been friends for years. He has stayed here on numerous occasions with and without my husband present, and we have never done anything the friends wouldn't do any of those times. My husband did not ask me that thinking I would say yes, he asked me because he '.knew' I would say no.

His wife has her reasons to feel like she does. People do not know my past, people have no reason to mistrust me. She believes I want their marriage to work, and she's right I've always wanted that.

 

On the contrary, your husband and his wife have every reason to mistrust you...they just don't know that (yet).

 

That's the problem.

[2sunny]

We have been friends for years. He has stayed here on numerous occasions with and without my husband present, and we have never done anything the friends wouldn't do any of those times. My husband did not ask me that thinking I would say yes, he asked me because he '.knew' I would say no.

His wife has her reasons to feel like she does. People do not know my past, people have no reason to mistrust me. She believes I want their marriage to work, and she's right I've always wanted that.

 

Then say NO!!!

 

Having him in your home makes it a whole new mess to contend with!

 

Just tell everyone NO! If he intends to sort out his M - then it's best he do it without you distracting him from his decision that he needs to make.

 

Don't be placed in the middle more than you already are!

 

It's possible he's been distant to YOU lately and now plans to leave his W because he has another new love interest besides you!

[Sub]

She believes I want their marriage to work, and she's right I've always wanted that.

 

There's an obvious disconnect between what you want for the people in your life, and your actions.

[whichwayisup]

On the contrary, your husband and his wife have every reason to mistrust you...they just don't know that (yet).

 

That's the problem.

 

Scarily and sadly, this whole situation has the potential to become a crime of passion. People react horribly to double betrayals sometimes and fact is, the A has been going on right under their noses, so not only are both your husband and his wife be upset/pissed off/betrayed, their gonna feel like you two made total fools of them. The blind faith and trust? Will turn into something awful when there is a D-Day. People do nutty things when pushed past their emotional limit and are capable of anything and everything.

[woinlove]

We have been friends for years. He has stayed here on numerous occasions with and without my husband present, and we have never done anything the friends wouldn't do any of those times. My husband did not ask me that thinking I would say yes, he asked me because he '.knew' I would say no.

His wife has her reasons to feel like she does. People do not know my past, people have no reason to mistrust me. She believes I want their marriage to work, and she's right I've always wanted that.

 

But it seems that OM doesn't want his M to work. He's been pretty crafty at getting into your house, with his wanting to "attempt a change in environment" and talking to his wife and your husband about it in such a way that the only "reasonable" route was moving into your basement. OM is really steering this particular train, although your own deception is helping him get his way.

 

How do you see this playing out? I get the impression that you and OM are not thinking of the same outcome, although he isn't likely to let you know that.

[Sub]

Yes, I shutter to think what would happen if the BH finds out while the OM is asleep in his basement.