Mother prefers dogs

[cattas]

My mother absolutely loves my brother's dogs (two girl dogs). She treats them like her children. I know I'm a grown adult, etc, and I love animals and I am not begrudging people treating their dogs well, but it is...well, let me just explain...here are the things getting to me. By the way, not trying to come off as whining, it's just really wearing me down to the point that I'm starting to avoid seeing her and I don't want to do that.

 

1. My younger brother has always been the favorite. And that's fine. It got to me at times growing up, but I accepted it. My mom is just very close to my brother and for reasons to do with her past, she was never willing to be close to me (I'm a daughter). It made sense and I understand it. It wasn't my fault. I was a very good kid growing up. I have blamed myself throughout my life for this, but I try not to think about it. So it's okay, but it adds in to things.

 

2. My weight has always been an issue with her. I'm about 30 lbs overweight. It's a lot, and I've been working on it for years and have lost some weight (about 34 lbs altogether over the last three years). I have PCOS and some insulin resistance, so it's difficult to lose, but I am continuing to work on it. Some of my life I didn't care because it didn't seem like anything I did made a difference with it. It was always an issue. Prior to my diagnosis, she made it her new year's resolutions to "get me under control" by controlling everything I ate. (That didn't help me lose weight.) I was always reminded about it. She and her sister and her other daughter were very small growing up and I was a stark difference.

 

3. The dogs are spoiled rotten. That's okay and I understand people love dogs. Most people do. It is just really hard to see this when I have wanted the kind of attention my mom completely showers on these dogs. (Again, not saying the dogs don't deserve attention or not to be spoiled.) Sounds ridiculously stupid, and again, I am an adult! Don't understand why I still seek this from her. I was never hugged by her as a child / growing up. These dogs are cuddled every day. That shouldn't matter to me, yet I notice it and feel....whatever this is (not jealousy, and not replaced exactly, but like I'm bottom of the barrel so to speak). Her ignoring me was a regular occurrence...if a dog makes any sound, they're attended to, immediately. She will not leave her house for very long (even if someone is watching the dogs).

 

4. When she has me dogsit the dogs --and I am the last choice because she doesn't think I will treat them right (I'm so careful with them!!!?????), she always talks to them saying "was she mean to you? was she mean? mommy's home now and she'll take care of you...you missed your mommy, she can't hurt you now" etc. It really upsets me! Where is this coming from? I would never dream of hurting them or any animal!

 

5. I have tried very hard many times to get close to my mom, but as earlier mentioned, it isn't something that could ever happen. I've blamed myself most of my life. I would love to be close to her like my brother is, and I don't understand what the difference is between us aside from age and gender. If you have any ideas of what I could do, please let me know. She tends to push me away with any attempt to talk about this through the years, so I have come to eventually stop trying. I have horrible self esteem, though I try not to, so I am sure this doesn't help that and vice versa.

 

For reference: this did not occur with our golden retriever (he was a boy, and these dogs are girls), I had birds (parakeets) growing up that I cared for and loved dearly. I don't hate animals...I just feel something is not right here (and it could be my fault! That's alright to say. I can take it.)

 

Has anyone else here had to deal with this issue? I have been trying to deal with it for a long while, telling myself I am crazy, that I need to "just get over it", or that it shouldn't matter.

If people here think I'm crazy for feeling...I'm not even sure what the word is...replaced but I was never in that place anyway...so I'm not sure what it is, but it hurts. Why? What do I do about it?

 

Disclaimer: My mother is not a bad mother / bad person and I'm not trying to just complain about her. I want to...feel like I'm not crazy I suppose. Can anyone relate? I would love to fix things, or at least to improve them.

Edited February 11, 2014 by cattas

[preraph]

One of my very best friends has a situation similar to yours only with her dad. Basically she felt he treated the dogs better than he did her and she says there was some abuse. 40 years later, I begged her not to get a dog because she truly is too narcissistic to care for one and already has hatred issues with them.

 

But I'm taking you at your word that you take care of them.

 

Your mother has given you very bad self-esteem. Thanks Mom! She has not been fair. She has taken the easy road and lavished love on those it's easiest to lavish love on. What that means is relationships come with responsibilities and conditions and reciprocity. She is so lazy she loves the ones with the least complications. And that left you out.

 

At the same time, clearly she has not abandoned you entirely. She has just made you feel less than what you are. It is nauseating to grow up watching your mother coddle another sibling. Mine did as well. My sister was problematic and hateful to my mother, and that only made my mother want to win her over more and kiss her ass. It was obnoxious because like you, I was a very good kid. I deserved some credit for that.

 

But people are not perfect. It's the luck of the draw. Having kids doesn't make you a good parent or a good person. You have every right to vent about this to her and others. But I would beg of you one thing: Leave the dogs out of it. It isn't their fault. Of all creatures on earth, dogs are the ones who are the most tolerant and accepting and blindly loyal and forgiving of people. So this is why someone like your mom who maybe isn't all that lovable finds what she needs there and she has to give very little in return. Forgive the dogs. And the sooner you get out from under your mom's wing, the better. Then you will be able to live on your own and make your own decisions and find out who you are when she is not bringing you down!

[lollipopspot]

1. My younger brother has always been the favorite. And that's fine. It got to me at times growing up, but I accepted it. My mom is just very close to my brother and for reasons to do with her past, she was never willing to be close to me (I'm a daughter). It made sense and I understand it. It wasn't my fault. I was a very good kid growing up. I have blamed myself throughout my life for this, but I try not to think about it. So it's okay, but it adds in to things.

 

3. ...I was never hugged by her as a child / growing up. These dogs are cuddled every day. That shouldn't matter to me, yet I notice it and feel....whatever this is (not jealousy, and not replaced exactly, but like I'm bottom of the barrel so to speak).

 

I don't think the issue is the dogs, you just notice i there. The dogs are no competition, because their needs are different. I think the real - deep - issue is your brother, and that you feel she has favored him throughout your life.

 

It is easier to have a non-conflictual relationship with an animal, for people who tend to have issues in relationships. Dogs are accepting, and loving, and they don't bring up for her all the fears and expectations she had for her daughter.

[snappytomcat]

I feel like this about my cats,and dogs but my kids are on their own now,so my pets have kinda of replaced them.

my mom also favored my brother,i don't know why he wasn't a good kid,in and out of jail since he was 13 hes 40 now,but I was always there for her(shes passed now)and he wasn't,i was always the one who couldn't do anything right,and he could do no wrong,i actually feel she kinda of ruined him,by spoiling him rotten when he was younger,she was always putting me down,but at least I was my dads,and grandparents favorite,so I don't know if that the reason she showered him with so much attention or not.

my one regret is I never got to ask her,i kept saying I want to sit down,and talk to her about it,and then one day she died unexpectedly,and I never got the chance,you still do,i hope you can talk to her,its rough thinking youre not loved or wanted by a parent

[cattas]

One of my very best friends has a situation similar to yours only with her dad. Basically she felt he treated the dogs better than he did her and she says there was some abuse. 40 years later, I begged her not to get a dog because she truly is too narcissistic to care for one and already has hatred issues with them.

 

But I'm taking you at your word that you take care of them.

 

Your mother has given you very bad self-esteem. Thanks Mom! She has not been fair. She has taken the easy road and lavished love on those it's easiest to lavish love on. What that means is relationships come with responsibilities and conditions and reciprocity. She is so lazy she loves the ones with the least complications. And that left you out.

 

At the same time, clearly she has not abandoned you entirely. She has just made you feel less than what you are. It is nauseating to grow up watching your mother coddle another sibling. Mine did as well. My sister was problematic and hateful to my mother, and that only made my mother want to win her over more and kiss her ass. It was obnoxious because like you, I was a very good kid. I deserved some credit for that.

 

But people are not perfect. It's the luck of the draw. Having kids doesn't make you a good parent or a good person. You have every right to vent about this to her and others. But I would beg of you one thing: Leave the dogs out of it. It isn't their fault. Of all creatures on earth, dogs are the ones who are the most tolerant and accepting and blindly loyal and forgiving of people. So this is why someone like your mom who maybe isn't all that lovable finds what she needs there and she has to give very little in return. Forgive the dogs. And the sooner you get out from under your mom's wing, the better. Then you will be able to live on your own and make your own decisions and find out who you are when she is not bringing you down!

 

I am thinking that your suggestion of distancing myself a great deal will help things. I already sort of took that road growing up.

I do treat the dogs well, yet I am questioned whenever I interact with them (seemingly she doesn't trust me with them...though I have always loved animals and always been very careful with them). I know it is not their fault, and really wonder what makes them so much more...loveable than me. I try so hard! I must've really disappointed her as a child, I suppose.

 

Something you said really struck me--that it is easier to love dogs. It is, I suppose. That both hurts and kind of fits things exactly. I think you're really right about it. It is easier to love dogs. Trust me, I've tried to appeal to her--I've acted how I thought she wanted me to act, done things I thought she wanted me to do, etc. I've tried very hard, especially lately. Nothing works. I don't think it's really my fault, but it sure does feel like it sometimes.

You mentioned your sibling was chosen over you as well, and that you can relate. I can see that it took a lot of strength to be so unbiased and sympathetic with your reply to me. Thank you very much for that. I was afraid of getting extremely harsh "grow up! stop feeling sorry for yourself!" kind of replies that would make me feel 10x worse.

[cattas]

I don't think the issue is the dogs, you just notice i there. The dogs are no competition, because their needs are different. I think the real - deep - issue is your brother, and that you feel she has favored him throughout your life.

 

It is easier to have a non-conflictual relationship with an animal, for people who tend to have issues in relationships. Dogs are accepting, and loving, and they don't bring up for her all the fears and expectations she had for her daughter.

 

I disagree about the needs of the dogs being different--in reality, probably, but what is shown or projected onto them is the same. For example, I have tried to have serious conversations with my mother about my health (seeking advice, where I just need someone I trust) as well as casual conversations (not serious ones, where I am trying very hard to be likeable). Dogs always interrupt. We can be in her living room, a dog walks by and the attention is immediately refocused (and anything I say is ignored).

It is easier to have a relationship with a dog, but I think there is a replacement-type issue here; my brother is a boy, so she preferred him, yet these dogs are girls and they have taken the "daughter" place. Recently she made herself a calendar online mostly containing customized pictures of the dogs. Over every family member's birthday was a picture of that person--except me. The dogs were placed for me. I have many similar examples. It is just disheartening. That can't be normal, right?

 

Thanks for your reply.

[cattas]

I feel like this about my cats,and dogs but my kids are on their own now,so my pets have kinda of replaced them.

my mom also favored my brother,i don't know why he wasn't a good kid,in and out of jail since he was 13 hes 40 now,but I was always there for her(shes passed now)and he wasn't,i was always the one who couldn't do anything right,and he could do no wrong,i actually feel she kinda of ruined him,by spoiling him rotten when he was younger,she was always putting me down,but at least I was my dads,and grandparents favorite,so I don't know if that the reason she showered him with so much attention or not.

my one regret is I never got to ask her,i kept saying I want to sit down,and talk to her about it,and then one day she died unexpectedly,and I never got the chance,you still do,i hope you can talk to her,its rough thinking youre not loved or wanted by a parent

 

I appreciate that you can relate, and thank you for sharing. I know that is not easy. I hope that you do feel very loved.

In my case, my brother is completely perfect, and his dogs are the perfect daughters for mom. I don't understand what I must've done for her to turn me away.

Thanks for your well-wishes.

[preraph]

Her loving dogs more isn't because you are less. It's because that is her capacity. She doesn't have all the capacity she needs. It's her deficit, not yours. They are simple and unquestioning creatures who love you no matter what and put up with you no matter what. That's just easiest for her. Her capacity for love and the responsibilities that are part of it just isn't very good. That's not your fault. If she were assessed, she might be narcissistic or she might be a bit incompetent. Narcissists always think everyone should think of them first and what they want, not themselves. Life isn't that way.

[cattas]

Her loving dogs more isn't because you are less. It's because that is her capacity. She doesn't have all the capacity she needs. It's her deficit, not yours. They are simple and unquestioning creatures who love you no matter what and put up with you no matter what. That's just easiest for her. Her capacity for love and the responsibilities that are part of it just isn't very good. That's not your fault. If she were assessed, she might be narcissistic or she might be a bit incompetent. Narcissists always think everyone should think of them first and what they want, not themselves. Life isn't that way.

 

I meant this as a quick reply, but it turned into a much longer one along the way. I guess I'm just really confused about the whole situation, but trying to figure out how to prevent setting myself up for being hurt over and over. I hope this doesn't sound like I am whining, I'm really not--just trying to figure it out, I suppose. I'm sure I sound confused... I'm sorry that it's a bit long-winded. At the end of it, if you do assess that I'm simply selfish, I will understand--I'm starting to feel like that right now.

 

Just to explain a bit, it's unfair to say that she is narcissistic (I know you only suggested it as a possibility); she's not narcissistic at all, quite the opposite actually--doing far, far more for others than she'd ever consider for herself (if anything, I am extremely narcissistic compared to her). It is her regular personality that she will do nothing for herself and everything for others. Since my brother got dogs, she has focused herself onto the dogs. She calls them her babies and every day is completely about the dogs. I referenced the calendar earlier, and it's typical of why I feel cast out. I have many examples like that.

 

The answer is probably simpler than I want to admit, I think. I think you were right in your first post about her loving the dogs instead of me (as the spot for rightful "daughter" attention) because it is easier. That actually made a lot of sense with my situation. Not that I understand why I particularly would be hard to love (but that aside, that's an issue with me). She's actually a very good person, stepping outside of my issue here (it's solid fact honestly). I was a little envious of other girls growing up, who had loving relationships with their mothers and could talk to them about anything. I still regret trying to talk to her about things from 10 years in the past from how I was pushed away. That was well before the dogs.

 

I am not trying to judge her at all. She had a rough life growing up and perhaps her avoidance and reluctance to get close to me is related to that, and I can see where it would add up. Again, as you said, it isn't my fault.....I think...., though it does feel like it often. Sometimes it's hard to realize that, and often I have to re-realize it at different points. I also try to realize that I am not, somehow, as good as my brother or the dogs. As absurd as that sounds, I think it's kind of what I have to do. It diminishes my self-worth, but it saves me from expectations when I'm able to get into that mode. I am an extremely difficult person, I suppose, because I can't exactly --stay-- in that mode for whatever reason. I make things hard for myself I guess. I always felt an extreme loneliness that I couldn't compensate for.

 

The dogs prove to be the perfect daughters. Recently, a dog vomitted one day, which was a very big deal (understandably--no one wants an animal of any kind to be sick, especially one they are attached to, and I'm glad the dog just ate too much and it wasn't something more serious), and I also was sick. The difference in the concern levels (from 100% for the dog, to nothing for me) was depressing--but why did I "need" someone to care? That is my problem, I think...which roots it back to the fact that I need to stop setting myself up to expect anything. That is the real issue. I am expecting something I shouldn't be. I should know by now at my age as an adult. The dogs are relatively new (2 years old each) and it still stings seeing that attention lavished upon them (perhaps I am extremely selfish). I have difficulty wrapping my head around why I am so difficult to love compared to dogs, or why everything I do is offensive. I am not the only one who noticed my mother's extreme love for the dogs and zero tolerance for my existence.

 

I think the best thing to do, given so long thinking about it (much longer than the life of this thread) is to try to get on figuring out how to live without the need to be loved. Psychology aside, I think it would be more healthy for me to stop setting myself up for disappointment and heartache. I have experienced this in several relationships, where I end up emotionally abused, even to appalling levels, trying to get "cared about". My self esteem and self worth has lead me into bad situations.

 

All in all, it seems that some people may just be too difficult to love. I believe I must be one of those people.

Edited February 14, 2014 by cattas

[preraph]

Yes, it is easier for her to love the dogs -- but that's not because you are hard to love. It's because she has a deficit of some sort. I would only be guessing what. Maybe you're emotional and she isn't good dealing with emotion. Maybe she is only good with light and cheery. Still, that's not your deficit. It's hers. As an adult and a mother, in a perfect world where everyone was whole and competent, she would be able to deal with whatever with her kids. Some mothers want to be friends instead of mothers. That isn't healthy. Kids need mothers. Their friends should be their peers. It may be she's friendy with the others and trying to like fit in with them as if she's still in high school. In the process, she's neglecting your feelings. And it's not doing them any good either if she's friending rather than parenting. I'm glad to hear you say she does at least make the effort to do most of the things she needs to do.

 

You simply can't internalize it if her behavior is off and make that your fault. Because it's her that is off.

[snappytomcat]

I think your mom,needs some kind of help,or maybe shes gone so long without communicating with you,thats she just doesn't know how to now,whatever maybe counseling would be good for both of you,

(((((((((((((((hugs to you))))))))))))))))))I feel really bad for you,my heart goes out to you,i wish I had some answers for you

[cattas]

Yes, it is easier for her to love the dogs -- but that's not because you are hard to love.

 

You simply can't internalize it if her behavior is off and make that your fault. Because it's her that is off.

 

You must be right but, this is hard to realize. It comes across as I've done something wrong--I've made the dogs bark by turning on a faucet, I've acted cruelly to them by not petting them at that moment, or by stepping carefully over them instead of walking an alternate path through a different room.

 

It's hard to retrain myself not to care about a family member's temperament towards me.

[amaysngrace]

My daughter gets down on me sometimes too. Like you, she has PCOS, complains that I pay too much attention to our dog, love her brothers more than I love her...it's a tough spot to be in.

 

The fact is a dog and boys are just generally easier to be around than a daughter that no matter what you do and what hoops you jump through for her will only see what's lacking rather than what's right about you.

 

I'm not saying you're like this but it kind of sounds like maybe you are.

 

If you don't think your mom loves you maybe it would be a good idea for you to stop and think of all the ways she's shown you that she does throughout your lifetime.

 

But honestly if you have a chip on your shoulder towards her and resent her then don't think that she's not picking up on that. In that case I don't blame her for distancing herself from you because what is the point if all you're going to do is see the negative about her anyway?

 

But yea...definitely dogs can be easier to be around than some people....

[cattas]

I think your mom,needs some kind of help,or maybe shes gone so long without communicating with you,thats she just doesn't know how to now,whatever maybe counseling would be good for both of you,

(((((((((((((((hugs to you))))))))))))))))))I feel really bad for you,my heart goes out to you,i wish I had some answers for you

 

Yeah I have been thinking about therapy myself sometime, just to see if there's anything I can do to fix how I feel (instead of expecting a situation change). I think it would worsen things if I were to suggest that to her and I don't think she would go with me. I also think if I told her all of this directly, she would tell me to "stop acting like that, you aren't pitiful". I hope I don't come across as whining.

Thank you for your warm wishes.

[cattas]

My daughter gets down on me sometimes too. Like you, she has PCOS, complains that I pay too much attention to our dog, love her brothers more than I love her...it's a tough spot to be in.

 

The fact is a dog and boys are just generally easier to be around than a daughter that no matter what you do and what hoops you jump through for her will only see what's lacking rather than what's right about you.

 

I'm not saying you're like this but it kind of sounds like maybe you are.

 

If you don't think your mom loves you maybe it would be a good idea for you to stop and think of all the ways she's shown you that she does throughout your lifetime.

 

But honestly if you have a chip on your shoulder towards her and resent her then don't think that she's not picking up on that. In that case I don't blame her for distancing herself from you because what is the point if all you're going to do is see the negative about her anyway?

 

But yea...definitely dogs can be easier to be around than some people....

 

 

I'm sorry for your situation. I truly hope things get better with your daughter.

I really am the opposite of "chip on the shoulder". If it's me, I want to know! I want to know what to do! I've always thought it was me and I've tried so hard to fix myself! I ask myself if something passes the mom test before I wear it, say it, do it, often. I always think of my brother before myself (we work together so that benefits him sometimes). As I have said, I don't judge her, I just want to understand why things are as they are and if there is anything I can do to change it. I questioned myself before writing the original post because I feel like this is something I should suck up. What have I said that leads you to think I will think negatively about my mom no matter what? (That's not an accusation or aggressive statement--I want to know if I've missed something that you've noticed).

I think our situations are very different. I am always respectful of my mom--I wouldn't want my children to treat me badly. If that were so, I'd deserve any ill will anyone gave me, honestly. No doubt.

Edited February 14, 2014 by cattas

[amaysngrace]

Why did your mom not put your picture on your birthday on the calendar? Did you ask her?

 

I don't know what's in her head to be honest. You said something happened to her as a child that makes it difficult to bond with girls or something, right? That sounds bizarre.

 

Regardless you're not just some random girl...you're her daughter.

 

So you've never bonded with her at all? Did your sister? Where is your Dad in all of this? How does he treat you?

 

I'm sorry that you have to deal with PCOS...it's not an easy thing for sure.

[pie2]

OP, just wanted to say your experiences with your mom sound very painful. You seem so apologetic for making this post, and say you don't want to complain about your mom. But honestly, I think her behavior seems a little hurtful towards you.

 

 

Others have offered you insight into what may be motivating her, and I think it's probably true, that she finds it easier to commit to these others (animals, brother). But this really is no fault of your own. You seem like a great daughter, and if anything, have maybe been overly permissive of her behavior. Even on this thread you apologize repeatedly for bringing up your concerns. Should you really have to be so accepting of her behavior?

 

 

I guess my own personal opinion is that you should let your mom know how she makes you feel, and maybe think about creating a little distance if you feel second-rate.

[Radu]

I'm going off on what you wrote here, and it does not sound healthy at all.

 

OP, your situation growing up sounds like that of the golden child dynamic.

That is where one child is made to seem perfect in every possible way, while another child is made the scapegoat of the family, and especially the siblings.

 

It's a way for parents to have control over their kids, because to some degree they scare them.

In your situation, the dogs are simply an extension of your brother [his children], who are off-course perfect.

 

My dad went through the same thing with his parents, and i went through it for 2yrs when i lived with them as well.

Everything my sister did was sunshine, everything i did was bad.

If my sister cried, i would get punished immediately [had quite a lot of bruises], regardless of blame.

Nothing i did was right, and they offered no support whatsoever in my endeavours.

 

You are starting to see that what is happening is not right, but you have yet to break free of this because you don't see what it's like to live a normal life.

You aren't grounded yet.

You are still making excuses for your mother, and you are still feeling like a 'bad daughter' for even questioning if this is right.

 

You need to find that neutrality, and you won't find it in your home.

Stay on childrearing forums, talk with normal parents, read childrearing books and look back in your life, analyze your past.

You need to do this, because most likely your mother also has been the victim of something like this, caught in a golden child dynamic [how is her relationship with her parents and her siblings, look there].

[Radu]

Here's some reading for you :

The Four Dysfunctional Family Roles ? A Blog About Toxic and Non-Toxic People

 

One more thing, you will see that this dynamic is often associated with parents who suffer from NPD [or other PD's ... Personality Disorders].

Whatever you do, NEVER mention to a PD that you read up on this, or that you identify this, or that you go into IC.

All their symptoms will go up, and your life will become much harder.

 

Just read up on dysfunctional families, abuse and on good child rearing, so that you can understand what normal reality really is, so that you will have good boundaries for the future.