I'm tired of chasing women.

[somedude81]

For some reason this just really hit me today. I'm just tired of chasing girls.

 

I have never been good at getting girls to go on dates with me and I've only ever managed to get one girl to go on at least three dates with me, and she ended up being my first girlfriend at 31 years old.

 

So here I am again in this stupid "hunting" phase and it just sucks. Conversations are so awkward because you don't know a thing about the person. Nobody seems to give a damn about me and somehow I have to make somebody like me.

 

It was so much easier and much more fulfilling to be in a relationship. Being in a relationship also enables a positive feedback between me and the girl. Teasing and flirting is much more fun when you know that the other person actually likes you. There is constant positive reinforcement.

 

But now that I'm single I'm struggling to hold that attention of a girl for more than a few minutes. There just isn't a lot of time during the day that I can actually talk to a girl when we are basically no more than strangers.

 

Once I get some rapport with a girl I feel that I'll be OK but its really hard getting to the point where I can sit down and talk to a girl like we actually know each other.

 

Though looking back, I knew my ex for about five months before we went on our first date. I've only known these girls I'm meeting in my classes for a few weeks, but for some reason I'm just feeling frustrated.

[FnlyFrei]

Stop chasing them then. Simple as that. Work on yourself, do things FOR yourself that make you happy. When you are full on the inside, and happy, you will attract someone who sees that, instead of them seeing someone who needs to fill a void. It IS frustrating to be chasing. We all want to be chased some too !

[mario_C]

The downside to being a man, no question. Our role is to do the pursuing, which will always suck...until it works.

[Els]

You really, really, really, really need to be focusing on graduating. All of your effort should be going there now. You can't afford to fail this time and waste the past 10 years of your life.

 

I know this is probably a bit of a derail, but I hope you take it as honest concern.

[somedude81]

Stop chasing them then. Simple as that. Work on yourself, do things FOR yourself that make you happy. When you are full on the inside, and happy, you will attract someone who sees that, instead of them seeing someone who needs to fill a void. It IS frustrating to be chasing. We all want to be chased some too !

And how would a woman be attracted by me being fulfilled in life?

 

I'm pretty sure I'd still need to go up to and talk to a bunch of women, try to hold their attention and have a conversation.

 

Nobody is psychic and able to see a void, unless the void person comes across as really desperate.

[somedude81]

You really, really, really, really need to be focusing on graduating. All of your effort should be going there now. You can't afford to fail this time and waste the past 10 years of your life.

 

I know this is probably a bit of a derail, but I hope you take it as honest concern.

Thanks for the concern but doing well in school has absolutely nothing to do with this thread.

 

BTW, it's actually easier to do well in school when I have a girlfriend supporting me

[pickflicker]

Sorry dude, that's the dance.

 

And Elswyth is right - school first, poon second.

[FnlyFrei]

People aren't psychic...but women are pretty intuitive. Remember middle school? If you liked someone, you had to REALLY ignore them? I think it is human nature not to want to be handed something. We all need to feel our affections are earned somehow in the beginning. So why not just have girls that are friends for awhile? Give yourself a break. Usually, if you do not work so hard at it, and you are happy and relaxed, that relationship you want will come to you a lot sooner than if it is some kind of goal you are bent on having.

[pickflicker]

Yes, because I don't understand. You're actually at a 'make it or break it' critical junction where you were given one last, final chance to graduate, and if you fail you will be kicked out and have no degree, no job experience, and no money at the age of 32.

 

But you are making post after post about girls.

 

Anybody with a shred of self-preservation instinct would actually be putting their wants and desires aside for the time being and focusing on what they really need to do, for just 6 months. To be unable to do so is really, really unattractive.

 

I'm sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear, but some of us are really hoping that you don't end up wrecking your life.

 

Oh, somedude, you need to read this over and over.

 

Elswyth:

[TheyCallMeOx]

This is an indication that you're trying too hard. If you're getting frustrated, you're getting impatient. I think that you rely on people more than you rely on yourself, and that's an unattractive quality to have. Women want to be with a man that can say "hey, I don't need you, babe. You walk out tomorrow and I'll still be myself and being awesome, but I choose to be with you because I wanna be with you. I wanna share my awesomeness." You don't wanna be the guy that says "I would die for you" and "if you break up with me, I don't know what I'll do. I can't live without you." It's romantic in songs, but in real life...women don't like that. Perhaps that's the kind of impression that you give them, and it explains why your interaction with women doesn't really work out the way you want it to.

 

When you get frustrated, there's something seriously wrong going on inside of you that maybe you're over-looking. Maybe you're depressed, maybe you hate yourself and need a woman to make you feel important, or it could be anything. I'm going to take a guess, a huge risk, and say that...I don't think you really love yourself as much as you should, dude. I think that...you might be really hurt about what's happened in your life and you might feel like you're running out of options.

 

I think you're looking for that one woman that is going to blow your mind away and totally change everything in your life, and if that's the case...no wonder you're frustrated. Either that, or I'm completely wrong. However, if there's some truth to that...your issues can't be solved from a woman; they can only be masked. If I actually dealt with my issues before dating my ex, I probably wouldn't be single right now. Fix ourselves, and it won't be as difficult finding a relationship.

[organizedchaos]

And how would a woman be attracted by me being fulfilled in life?

 

I'm pretty sure I'd still need to go up to and talk to a bunch of women, try to hold their attention and have a conversation.

 

Nobody is psychic and able to see a void, unless the void person comes across as really desperate.

 

 

Dude, time and time again you keep looking for happiness and validation from someone else. Why can't you learn to be happy with yourself first? Women pick up on this. They can tell your a sad sack - sorry, I'm being harsh, but you are.

 

You MUST learn to be happy on your own and NOT seek your happiness soley by being in a relationship. Otherwise, it too will be doomed to fail just like your last relationship.

[somedude81]

People aren't psychic...but women are pretty intuitive. Remember middle school? If you liked someone, you had to REALLY ignore them? I think it is human nature not to want to be handed something. We all need to feel our affections are earned somehow in the beginning.

I'm not sure what to do with that thought.

 

So why not just have girls that are friends for awhile? Give yourself a break.

That's how it's been for the vast majority of my life. Years upon years of just being friends with girls. More girls than I'd care to remember.

 

I've only been in one relationship, and that was only six months.

[somedude81]

This is an indication that you're trying too hard. If you're getting frustrated, you're getting impatient.

I'm definitely not trying too hard. Honestly I could be trying harder. But I am getting impatient and I'm also very easily discouraged.

 

Interacting with women at this stage where we're just strangers feels so shallow and pointless. Being in a relationship was great. Nothing felt more amazing than coming home from school and my girlfriend was there waiting for me, or she was cooking. That was heaven. I want to go back there but I have to deal with this nonsense of trying to attract new women.

 

Also I'm 32 years old. I've been trying to play this dating game for a very long time. I've always sucked at it and I just wish I was married already.

 

The skills to attract and date women are completely different than being in a relationship. I'm definitely a long term guy. Granted my first relationship didn't last that long, but it was my first one, and I had to learn as I went.

 

 

I think that you rely on people more than you rely on yourself, and that's an unattractive quality to have. Women want to be with a man that can say "hey, I don't need you, babe. You walk out tomorrow and I'll still be myself and being awesome, but I choose to be with you because I wanna be with you. I wanna share my awesomeness." You don't wanna be the guy that says "I would die for you" and "if you break up with me, I don't know what I'll do. I can't live without you." It's romantic in songs, but in real life...women don't like that. Perhaps that's the kind of impression that you give them, and it explains why your interaction with women doesn't really work out the way you want it to.

How do you give the impression that don't need or care about a girl when you are trying to pursue them?

 

Also, I really don't think I come across as needy to girls who are strangers. I don't even know if my ex would describe me as needy.

 

When you get frustrated, there's something seriously wrong going on inside of you that maybe you're over-looking. Maybe you're depressed, maybe you hate yourself and need a woman to make you feel important, or it could be anything. I'm going to take a guess, a huge risk, and say that...I don't think you really love yourself as much as you should, dude. I think that...you might be really hurt about what's happened in your life and you might feel like you're running out of options

Yes I am depressed, hate myself and I feel like my life has meaning when there is a woman in it.

 

Though the way I see it, I can continue loathing myself, or I can be in a relationship and be happy.

 

 

I think you're looking for that one woman that is going to blow your mind away and totally change everything in your life, and if that's the case...no wonder you're frustrated. Either that, or I'm completely wrong. However, if there's some truth to that...your issues can't be solved from a woman; they can only be masked. If I actually dealt with my issues before dating my ex, I probably wouldn't be single right now. Fix ourselves, and it won't be as difficult finding a relationship.

Yeah, I already found her and we dated for six months. Unfortunately there were various complications, many out of my control, some in my control, and it didn't last.

 

From my limited experience, actually being in a relationship is much easier than trying to find one.

 

I don't know if I'm completely insane, but a part of me wishes I had gotten my ex pregnant, which would have prevented her from dumping me.

[der]

No it wouldn't have. You'd have owed her child support for 18 years.

[pickflicker]

You're really not learning much at all, somedude. On your current path, your next relationship well fall apart, and possibly sooner than the last one.

[organizedchaos]

You're really not learning much at all, somedude. On your current path, your next relationship well fall apart, and possibly sooner than the last one.

 

Guaranteed.

[Haydn]

It is supposed to be fun chatting up the ladies! Maybe don`t approach it with such a lofty outcome? Get to know `her` slowly and enjoy it.

[TheyCallMeOx]

I'm definitely not trying too hard. Honestly I could be trying harder. But I am getting impatient and I'm also very easily discouraged.

 

What I mean by "trying too hard" is that you're getting impatient from trying. When you get impatient, that is an indication that you're trying too hard. I'm not saying that you're trying the hardest to get an actual girlfriend, but I'm saying that your impatience is an indication that you're trying too hard. If you're no gonna change anything about yourself and still lead yourself to believe that a woman would make you happy, then the least you can do for yourself is calm the hell down and don't get so caught up in finding a woman as fast as possible.

 

Interacting with women at this stage where we're just strangers feels so shallow and pointless. Being in a relationship was great. Nothing felt more amazing than coming home from school and my girlfriend was there waiting for me, or she was cooking. That was heaven. I want to go back there but I have to deal with this nonsense of trying to attract new women.

 

Also I'm 32 years old. I've been trying to play this dating game for a very long time. I've always sucked at it and I just wish I was married already.

 

The skills to attract and date women are completely different than being in a relationship. I'm definitely a long term guy. Granted my first relationship didn't last that long, but it was my first one, and I had to learn as I went.

 

I hate to break it to you, but you and I still have a lot to learn about relationships. I got out of a two and 1/2 year relationship, and even still...I'm not claiming I know everything about relationships. To me, age is irrelevant. Dating sucks because you hate the process. If you could skip that process and go straight to marriage, you would definitely do that. While that would be nice, dating is essential to the relationship process. It doesn't matter how old you are...at some point, you gotta learn how to date, and I feel that you would be so much better off if you stopped trying to get a date so quick and things like that. When you get impatient, your judgment is clouded. "

 

 

How do you give the impression that don't need or care about a girl when you are trying to pursue them?

 

That would be textbook style manipulation and I guarantee you that you can't live in a relationship trying to give a certain woman an impression. If you're not being yourself at all times during the relationship, it's gonna eventually come back to haunt you. You ain't looking for another 6 month relationship, you want a long lasting one. You could manipulate your way to get what you want, but that's not what you really want to do.

 

Yes I am depressed, hate myself and I feel like my life has meaning when there is a woman in it.

 

Though the way I see it, I can continue loathing myself, or I can be in a relationship and be happy.

 

And this is where it all stems from. This is one of the main issues that you're having. This is the reason why you're impatient, the reason why you can't find anyone, and the reason for a lot of things. The beautiful thing about it is that you know why things are the way they are...and now it's really up to you to decide on whether it's an issue or not. See, I don't mind you believing that a woman can make you happy...I know a woman can. It happened to me. But see, I care about my dudes because I've personally witnessed what can happen when you put so much into a woman, and she breaks up with you. Talk about devastation! Thoughts of suicide and all that **** -- it's just not worth it. This is a problem, my man. Being in a relationship with a woman is only going to mask your problems, and eventually it WILL come back to affect the relationship. If you want short term dates, that's fine because women won't know about the deeper issues in your life on first dates and whatnot, but if you're looking for a woman to love you for the rest of her life...you've really gotta get rid of those unhealthy thoughts, because it's only going to drive her away. You really don't want that.

 

It's really not the right mentality, and if you should do anything at this point in time...it's solving these specific issues. No woman wants that responsibility. It's cute for a 13 year old chick, but for a grown independent woman...it's scary as ****. I've been there. It's no bueno. It's an unhealthy relationship, and a breakup just waiting to happen. You gotta fix yourself, man.

 

I don't know if I'm completely insane, but a part of me wishes I had gotten my ex pregnant, which would have prevented her from dumping me.

 

Dude, I know exactly how you feel. LMAO. But you know what? We say that, but in reality...she still might've prevented herself from staying with me and I would've wound up paying child support. Not only that, I'd be paying for a child I probably wouldn't even see. That is, of course, she didn't already decide to abort it, or give it up for adoption. On second thought, it was probably a good idea that I didn't get her pregnant. I know we would've made a hell of a sexy baby, though.

[BJP56]

Thats the cruel part of dating and wanting to date it plays on your emotions. It made me think of it this way:

 

I would rather have a friend for a life time than have a friend with a experation date.

 

I want her to stick around and she wants me to stick around, dating only hurts a friendship. Even if she friend zones me, its more rewarding. I get to do more fun things with her eventhough it wont lead anywhere.

 

It beats the hell out of sitting at home watching TV and not doing crap.

[somedude81]

They can tell your a sad sack - sorry, I'm being harsh, but you are.

No, they can't.

You MUST learn to be happy on your own and NOT seek your happiness soley by being in a relationship. Otherwise, it too will be doomed to fail just like your last relationship.

The number one reason why my relationship failed was because my ex wasn't ready to be in a relationship after breaking up with her ex of three years.

 

We basically had our first date three or four weeks after she broke up with her ex. As much as I hate to admit it, it would have been best for her to be single the entire time she was with me. Either way, she eventually realized that she could not be in the same place I was emotionally and she ended it. She ended two relationships in the same year.

 

It had nothing to do with my insecurities or me at all. Pretty much she would have dumped anybody.

 

No it wouldn't have. You'd have owed her child support for 18 years.

Not a chance. She would have wanted to get married, or at least engaged.

[somedude81]

It is supposed to be fun chatting up the ladies! Maybe don`t approach it with such a lofty outcome? Get to know `her` slowly and enjoy it.

I know that it's supposed to be fun. And I was having fun doing it for many years.

 

But now that I know what the end result is, chatting up randoms feels hallow and almost a waste of my time.

 

I much rather talk to one woman that I know very well and really care about, then a bunch of girls that I'm only talking to because they have a pretty face.

 

Amusingly enough, when I was getting to know the girl who would become my ex, I wasn't interested in her at all. I quickly found out that she had a boyfriend and crossed her off my list. Somehow things progressed and we became class buddies and a real connection was formed. Once I found out she was single at the end of the semester, I pursued her hardcore.

[somedude81]

So I was feeling nostalgic and looking over the threads I've made. Then I found this.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/390532-what-makes-certain-girls-like-you-while-other-girls-don-t

 

It's from May 2nd, 2013.

There is a pretty girl that I seem to have clicked with and we frequently talk. She doesn’t really seem to talk to any other guys. Normally I would have asked her out a long time ago but she has a boyfriend and she’s really throwing me off. If she were single, and assuming she were still friendly with me, I would probably have the best shot with her out of all the girls I notice. I almost wish she would have broken up with her boyfriend this semester.

We had our first date about one month after I wrote that. The rest was history and the happiest time in my entire life. Edited February 11, 2014 by somedude81

[notyouraveragebabe]

For some reason this just really hit me today. I'm just tired of chasing girls.

 

I have never been good at getting girls to go on dates with me and I've only ever managed to get one girl to go on at least three dates with me, and she ended up being my first girlfriend at 31 years old.

 

So here I am again in this stupid "hunting" phase and it just sucks. Conversations are so awkward because you don't know a thing about the person. Nobody seems to give a damn about me and somehow I have to make somebody like me.

 

It was so much easier and much more fulfilling to be in a relationship. Being in a relationship also enables a positive feedback between me and the girl. Teasing and flirting is much more fun when you know that the other person actually likes you. There is constant positive reinforcement.

 

But now that I'm single I'm struggling to hold that attention of a girl for more than a few minutes. There just isn't a lot of time during the day that I can actually talk to a girl when we are basically no more than strangers.

 

Once I get some rapport with a girl I feel that I'll be OK but its really hard getting to the point where I can sit down and talk to a girl like we actually know each other.

 

Though looking back, I knew my ex for about five months before we went on our first date. I've only known these girls I'm meeting in my classes for a few weeks, but for some reason I'm just feeling frustrated.

 

 

Try running away from them, maybe they will chase you. Just a thought lol

[der]

 

Not a chance. She would have wanted to get married, or at least engaged.

 

You are delusional.

[OpheliaSong]

Honestly, if a guy seems to be more about nailing down a relationship rather than getting to know me as a person, an individual, I think he is desperate and won't go out with him. If you just want he end result without figuring out if the girl is worth the end result then you aren't going to attract quality girls. Girls have an intuition about stuff like that and they want to feel special, not acceptable because me they are a girl. Relax into it and focus on yourself, and healing from your heartbreak then maybe when you meet girls you will see them as individual people instead of conquests for a possible relationship.