I'm tired of chasing women.

[pickflicker]

Honestly, if a guy seems to be more about nailing down a relationship rather than getting to know me as a person, an individual, I think he is desperate and won't go out with him. If you just want he end result without figuring out if the girl is worth the end result then you aren't going to attract quality girls. Girls have an intuition about stuff like that and they want to feel special, not acceptable because me they are a girl. Relax into it and focus on yourself, and healing from your heartbreak then maybe when you meet girls you will see them as individual people instead of conquests for a possible relationship.

 

I've had it happen to me. Made to feel like an item to be checked off the "life list", instead of someone wanting to know me. It's no good.

[Emilia]

It had nothing to do with my insecurities or me at all. Pretty much she would have dumped anybody.

You are being blind to your own issues on purpose. She stayed for 6 months, if it had been too soon, she would have left within a month or two because she would have missed her ex too much. The fact that she stayed for 6 months means she took her time to get to know you.

 

You need to have a much more established base (graduating, getting a job) to get a long term girlfriend. The way you are now, no woman will take you seriously.

[the tank]

Keep looking ! It have a much higher succes rate than not looking . Nobody will simply walk into your life. And if that happen, if you’re not looking, will you notice this person ? I find illogical when people tell me to stop looking.

Just dont try too much.

[somedude81]

Honestly, if a guy seems to be more about nailing down a relationship rather than getting to know me as a person, an individual, I think he is desperate and won't go out with him. If you just want the end result without figuring out if the girl is worth the end result then you aren't going to attract quality girls. Girls have an intuition about stuff like that and they want to feel special, not acceptable because me they are a girl. Relax into it and focus on yourself, and healing from your heartbreak then maybe when you meet girls you will see them as individual people instead of conquests for a possible relationship.

Believe me, I've done that before. I've gotten to know many girls very well just as friends over the years. Though there really wasn't any point to it when I realize that I'd really like to be in a relationship with that person and that we'd make a great couple, and then she rejects me. I'm left feeling like I wasted my time and energy in getting to know them.

 

Friends first doesn't work.

 

How do I make a girl that I barely know feel special?

 

 

 

You are being blind to your own issues on purpose. She stayed for 6 months, if it had been too soon, she would have left within a month or two because she would have missed her ex too much. The fact that she stayed for 6 months means she took her time to get to know you.

It had nothing to do with her missing her ex. She dumped him.

 

Her issue was that she wasn't ready to form another deep emotional connection with somebody. That is what she told me, as well as everybody I talked to in real life. My own mother who met her, thinks that my ex shouldn't have dated me and should have been single after getting out of such a long relationship.

[f1asr88]

Women want to be with a man that can say "hey, I don't need you, babe. You walk out tomorrow and I'll still be myself and being awesome, but I choose to be with you because I wanna be with you. I wanna share my awesomeness." You don't wanna be the guy that says "I would die for you" and "if you break up with me, I don't know what I'll do. I can't live without you." It's romantic in songs, but in real life...women don't like that. Perhaps that's the kind of impression that you give them, and it explains why your interaction with women doesn't really work out the way you want it to.

 

 

Is this really true? If you deeply loved a woman, and she left you after a few years, and the next day you were happy and cheerful and acting like nothing had happened, wouldn't that be a little odd?

Does that mean you should never really tell a woman how much she means to you, or make her feel special, always playing it cold, and that it's her privilege to be with you and not a mutual one?

Maybe that's where I went wrong, I was conquered, open with my feelings, and perhaps no longer a 'challenge'...?

[somedude81]

Try running away from them, maybe they will chase you. Just a thought lol

Funny enough, that actually does work. BUT, I first have to give her a reason to want to chase me.

 

I remember saying bye to the girl who would become my girlfriend on the last day of class, thinking I would never see her again. And yet she emails me and insists on staying in contact. She had a boyfriend so I had no interest in her, and tried to break off contact. Yet she still kept chasing.

 

Eventually I turned it around and told her that I'd ask her out if she were single (which is actually something somebody on this forum told me to say) and then it turns out she was.

[Emilia]

It had nothing to do with her missing her ex. She dumped him.

 

Her issue was that she wasn't ready to form another deep emotional connection with somebody. That is what she told me, as well as everybody I talked to in real life. My own mother who met her, thinks that my ex shouldn't have dated me and should have been single after getting out of such a long relationship.

Precisely. She dumped him. She was ready to meet someone else. She didn't like what you had to offer. My point precisely. Your mother? You think she would tell you otherwise? If you choose not to face the issue - that she left because she didn't think the two of you would work - you will never understand what it is that makes someone stick around.

[JDPT]

Chase money not women, at the end it'll all work out.

[Disillusioned]

So what? I got tired of chasing women 2 years ago. For one thing, I sucked at it, and for another, I realized most of the women I was chasing weren't the type who'd make me happy anyways.

 

Somedude81, if you're reading this, you need to stop for a minute, stop thinking about chasing women and start thinking of what you can do to get your life together. THEN women (including little old ladies) will start giving you compliments---which you should ignore until you have your life together. I know because 3 weeks ago some little old lady in a restaurant told me she thought I was good-looking---and I was dressed like a slob!!!

 

As for me, I'm 3/4 done renovating my house, I'm about to start hosting 2 meetup groups in it, I've started sending out my resumé to get a higher-paying job... and that's pretty much just a stepping stone to getting my 4th and 5th books into print.

 

So, ease up on the chasing and become chaseable instead. This isn't the 1950s.

[TheyCallMeOx]

Is this really true? If you deeply loved a woman, and she left you after a few years, and the next day you were happy and cheerful and acting like nothing had happened, wouldn't that be a little odd?

Does that mean you should never really tell a woman how much she means to you, or make her feel special, always playing it cold, and that it's her privilege to be with you and not a mutual one?

Maybe that's where I went wrong, I was conquered, open with my feelings, and perhaps no longer a 'challenge'...?

 

There's nothing wrong with communicating how you feel. Any woman can impact your life and really rock the foundation of who you are, but the bottom line is that you can't say that you're gonna give up on life if you had to live without her. If you marry a woman and she has to go away on a business trip for a month, she doesn't want to feel like her husband is gonna die from starvation or lack of sleep. A woman needs a sense of security to know that her boyfriend can take care of himself when necessary. A lot of women enjoy cooking food for their husbands, doing their laundry and what not, but what it all comes down to is that you have to be an individual. Of course, breaksups are always going to be devastating when it comes to long term relationships and whatnot, but there comes a certain point where we have to be independent and say "even though I'm hurt, I'm not going to kill myself. Kill myself over a woman? That's just ridiculous." That's what I mean by still being "awesome." You can stay be romantic by saying things and doing things....but we have to watch what we say or else it'll seem kind of...suicidal.

[Woggle]

Chase success and women will come.

[kart180]

I hate to chase women, why can't they all come to me. I am getting tried of it.

[clia]

For some reason this just really hit me today. I'm just tired of chasing girls.

 

I have never been good at getting girls to go on dates with me and I've only ever managed to get one girl to go on at least three dates with me, and she ended up being my first girlfriend at 31 years old.

 

Why do you think it is that they all say say "no" when you ask them out or try to get past date one?

 

I know you don't want to face this reality, but if you are actually asking that many girls out on dates and they are all saying "no," (and not because they are already taken), it's very likely that you are aiming for girls who are out of your league. This could also be a result of you going after girls who are so much younger than you. Ten plus years is a big age difference to a girl who is 20 or 21 years old. The bottom line is that if you are actually trying to get dates and asking girls out and you are not getting dates, the problem is you or something you are doing, not them.

 

So here I am again in this stupid "hunting" phase and it just sucks. Conversations are so awkward because you don't know a thing about the person. Nobody seems to give a damn about me and somehow I have to make somebody like me.

 

This is why people here have been encouraging you for years to develop friendships and a social life outside of your quest for a girlfriend. It allows you to practice making small talk and and having conversations with people. If anything, when you know nothing about a person it makes conversations easier because you can ask about anything. (Where do they live, where are they from, the weather, did they catch the game last night, what do they think about x or y current event, have they been to x restaurant yet, etc.)

[Imajerk17]

Thanks for the concern but doing well in school has absolutely nothing to do with this thread.

 

BTW, it's actually easier to do well in school when I have a girlfriend supporting me

 

Well, actually it does.

 

One of the things that attract women is a guy who has an idea of where his life is going. It's what many guys your age (and in their 20's in fact) have and those are the guys you are competing with. It might even be a reason why your last relationship ended. You've written some threads very recently in the meanwhile about your school situation that have me really concerned for you in that regard.

 

The good news is that once you graduate and get a job where you are making enough to support yourself, you can catch up quickly. Then you can focus on the women thing.

[somedude81]

What I mean by "trying too hard" is that you're getting impatient from trying. When you get impatient, that is an indication that you're trying too hard. I'm not saying that you're trying the hardest to get an actual girlfriend, but I'm saying that your impatience is an indication that you're trying too hard.

I think I understand what you're saying. I guess I feel that putting in any effort at all is trying too hard.

 

It's almost like I'm not willing to deal with disappointment. Kind of like I'm expecting to talk to a few girls then have an instant connection with one of them, then ask her out right away.

 

I feel like I'm on some sort schedule. I want to get back into a relationship as soon as possible because that's where I'm happiest and most comfortable.

 

 

If you're no gonna change anything about yourself and still lead yourself to believe that a woman would make you happy, then the least you can do for yourself is calm the hell down and don't get so caught up in finding a woman as fast as possible.

Keep calm and carry on?

 

I hate to break it to you, but you and I still have a lot to learn about relationships. I got out of a two and 1/2 year relationship, and even still...I'm not claiming I know everything about relationships. To me, age is irrelevant. Dating sucks because you hate the process. If you could skip that process and go straight to marriage, you would definitely do that. While that would be nice, dating is essential to the relationship process. It doesn't matter how old you are...at some point, you gotta learn how to date, and I feel that you would be so much better off if you stopped trying to get a date so quick and things like that. When you get impatient, your judgment is clouded. "

Oh I definitely have a lot to learn about relationships. But I can't learn anything when I'm single. I've wasted so much of my life being alone. I feel like I haven't progressed as a person from say 25 to 31. Then when I got my first girlfriend, my development as a man started again and I resumed growing and learning. I feel that I learned more about women in the six months I was with my ex, then in my entire life before I met her.

 

I don't want to go straight to marriage, but I do want to jump into a committed relationship. That's where happiness is. I want to see what it's like to be with a woman for more than a year and have our lives merge. I got a good taste of that with my ex but it was just the start.

 

I'm having trouble on seeing how dating is important. At least on my end if I've known a woman for a month and like her enough to ask her out, I'd be ready to jump into a relationship with her. Of course I'd never stop going on dates with her, but I don't like the uncertainty of trying to figure out if a girl likes me.

 

 

That would be textbook style manipulation and I guarantee you that you can't live in a relationship trying to give a certain woman an impression. If you're not being yourself at all times during the relationship, it's gonna eventually come back to haunt you. You ain't looking for another 6 month relationship, you want a long lasting one. You could manipulate your way to get what you want, but that's not what you really want to do.

Huh? Manipulation? Is that what you were talking about when you said " "hey, I don't need you, babe. You walk out tomorrow and I'll still be myself and being awesome, but I choose to be with you because I wanna be with you. I wanna share my awesomeness."

 

I have no interest in manipulation or playing games.

 

 

 

And this is where it all stems from. This is one of the main issues that you're having. This is the reason why you're impatient, the reason why you can't find anyone, and the reason for a lot of things. The beautiful thing about it is that you know why things are the way they are...and now it's really up to you to decide on whether it's an issue or not. See, I don't mind you believing that a woman can make you happy...I know a woman can. It happened to me. But see, I care about my dudes because I've personally witnessed what can happen when you put so much into a woman, and she breaks up with you. Talk about devastation! Thoughts of suicide and all that **** -- it's just not worth it. This is a problem, my man. Being in a relationship with a woman is only going to mask your problems, and eventually it WILL come back to affect the relationship. If you want short term dates, that's fine because women won't know about the deeper issues in your life on first dates and whatnot, but if you're looking for a woman to love you for the rest of her life...you've really gotta get rid of those unhealthy thoughts, because it's only going to drive her away. You really don't want that.

At this point I just don't believe that being in a relationship with only mask the problems.

 

Yes I had issues with self-esteem and depression before I got with my ex. And I still have those issues after she dumped me.

 

But here's the issue, I stopped taking my medication. Being with her removed all my symptoms and I was happy. I got off my dosage before I was ready and the symptoms came back.

 

My issues with confidence and self-hatred are caused by my deep seated beliefs that women hate me and I have no value. When I had a girlfriend who was cooking me dinner, cuddling with me and having regular sex, it was impossible for me to believe that women hated me, so my self-hatred didn't exist.

 

I still believe that my ex had no idea that I had any of those issues.

 

Dude, I know exactly how you feel. LMAO. But you know what? We say that, but in reality...she still might've prevented herself from staying with me and I would've wound up paying child support. Not only that, I'd be paying for a child I probably wouldn't even see. That is, of course, she didn't already decide to abort it, or give it up for adoption. On second thought, it was probably a good idea that I didn't get her pregnant. I know we would've made a hell of a sexy baby, though.

Nah, I really believe that there is no chance she would have broken up with me if she was five months pregnant. Nor would she dump after she had the baby. Our relationship didn't have any issues. We never argued or had any conflicts.

 

There actually was a pregnancy scare a month or two after we started having sex and her period was late. And I was thinking how things would have turned out if she had gotten pregnant.

[carhill]

I'm tired of chasing women.

For some reason this just really hit me today. I'm just tired of chasing girls.

 

Yep, I know exactly what you mean. After dating a bit back in the spring of 2010, I decided enough was enough and there were more important fish to fry in life and haven't looked back since. When I was your age, I took a break from about age 31 to age 35 and traveled the world. No regrets. Women are just a tiny part of life.

[organizedchaos]

Originally Posted by organizedchaos

They can tell your a sad sack - sorry, I'm being harsh, but you are.

 

somedude81: No, they can't.

 

 

I beg to differ. Your track record with women and number of relationships says otherwise.

 

You have no idea the vibe you give off, but women do.

[xxoo]

So here I am again in this stupid "hunting" phase and it just sucks. Conversations are so awkward because you don't know a thing about the person. Nobody seems to give a damn about me and somehow I have to make somebody like me.

 

Let's just start here. Why don't people give a damn about you? Why are conversations awkward?

 

If you don't like interacting with people in general, and if you only do so when it is for the purpose of "hunting", then it won't be fun.

 

If you take the perspective of getting to know many people, making friends (men and women), having a social group and all the benefits it affords (including rubbing elbows with more women, in more natural situations, with more to talk about!), it'll feel less like work.

 

The cart is before the horse. That's why it so damn hard to push. If you get the degree, get the job, and get the friends, finding a girlfriend would be a breeze.

[normal person]

Thanks for the concern but doing well in school has absolutely nothing to do with this thread.

 

Even if it doesn't have anything to do with it from your perspective, it's still affecting the situation and your reality from the other side of things. I imagine to most women, there are lightyears of difference between:

 

"I'm a college graduate" and "I'm a 31 year old undergrad."

 

Pursuing women will be a lot easier for you when you have things to feel good (not ashamed) about, and actual accomplishments you can credit yourself with. I don't know your circumstances, and I don't know why you're still in school at your age but even if it's a reasonable excuse, most women won't give you the benefit of the doubt. If you're 31 and still haven't graduated, they'll think something's up.

 

At your age, until you graduate college and make money, you don't have much to offer a women. Especially when other guys your age have been in the workforce for a decade establishing themselves and their lives. Sorry if that's harsh. Again, I don't know your circumstances, but that's the way an outsider is going to read the situation.

 

BTW, it's actually easier to do well in school when I have a girlfriend supporting me

 

It shouldn't be.

[somedude81]

Since people keep wanting to bring up my schooling.

 

No matter what I do I can't graduate until December. I need to pass my current math class, and the one after that. I'm also taking one additional class to improve my GPA.

 

Trying to pursue women or having a relationship will have no impact on that. There are more than enough hours in the day to handle women and school.

 

There is just no way I'm going to wait until December to start dating.

 

I will not be talking about school from now on and all posts that are about school will be reported as off-topic.

 

As for what I can offer a woman, I can offer a woman pretty much everything that any other guy she meets on campus can offer her. Plus I have my own apartment and car, which many guys on campus do not. I'm also not broke and have enough money to get by and have fun.

 

That plus my winning personality, is more than enough for any girl I meet in school.

 

Additionally, there is a reason why I'm more interested in the younger women, simply because they expect less from a guy than a woman who is 27+ would.

Edited February 11, 2014 by somedude81

[Disillusioned]

Chase success and women will come.

 

That's what I'm afraid of. 8-(

[pickflicker]

I hate to chase women, why can't they all come to me. I am getting tried of it.

 

Because that's the dance. Men are natural pursuers. Smart women have learned that 9 times out of 10, they need to let the man "be the man". If a man wants her, he'll call.

 

Take me, for example. I've been chatting to this for a few weeks, we've been on one date, and he's just booked me for number 2. Do you know how many times I have initiated contact with him? Zero. Why? Because he's a man. He will contact me if he wants to.

[pickflicker]

Since people keep wanting to bring up my schooling.

 

No matter what I do I can't graduate until December. I need to pass my current math class, and the one after that. I'm also taking one additional class to improve my GPA.

 

Trying to pursue women or having a relationship will have no impact on that. There are more than enough hours in the day to handle women and school.

 

There is just no way I'm going to wait until December to start dating.

 

I will not be talking about school from now on and all posts that are about school will be reported as off-topic.

 

As for what I can offer a woman, I can offer a woman pretty much everything that any other guy she meets on campus can offer her. Plus I have my own apartment and car, which many guys on campus do not. I'm also not broke and have enough money to get by and have fun.

 

That plus my winning personality, is more than enough for any girl I meet in school.

 

Additionally, there is a reason why I'm more interested in the younger women, simply because they expect less from a guy than a woman who is 27+ would.

 

But there's not enough time in the day to handle school and a job?

 

That, in a nutshell, is my problem with your problem. You should be looking for work, not looking for a woman.

[somedude81]

But there's not enough time in the day to handle school and a job?

 

That, in a nutshell, is my problem with your problem. You should be looking for work, not looking for a woman.

Exactly the type of response I was expecting. Thanks pickflicker

 

I can't handle the school + the commitment required by a job. I don't care that other people are able to. I can't.

 

My class schedule is kind of funky and it would be a struggle to get a job to fit.

 

Most likely I'll start looking for a job in the summer.

 

That's all I'm going to say about working.

 

As a reminder, this thread is about women, not working or schooling.

[xxoo]

You don't have to wait until dec to start dating. You should always be social and charming and on the lookout for opportunities.

 

But you should also not make women your primary focus, and angst over having a girlfriend, right now. Can you see the difference?

 

Especially if chasing women is bringing you down right now, your primary focus is better off elsewhere. Relax, mingle without pressure, and chase when it's fun again, confident in the knowledge that it'll be easier when you are working.