I'm tired of chasing women.

[pickflicker]

That's something I've heard repeatedly.

 

That many fathers didn't realize that they wanted kids till he actually had them.

 

I'm sure I'd love my kids if I do have them. But right now I couldn't care less.

 

Though one thing I know for sure, is that right now I don't want anything to do with kids that aren't my own.

 

That's true. Let me put it slightly differently. I'm almost sure that I want kids, but if I didn't have them, I wouldn't be devestated. Whereas I know a person in my life that having kids is the only goal she has. And if she doesn't realise it, she'll consider her life over. But

 

I do know, however, if I had them, I would make all the sacrifices necessary to ensure they grew up loved and looked after. I'd be happy to do it, even if I was unsure about having them in the beginning.

 

So, if you can accept the sacrifices having kids will allow you to have, then you can be unsure about having the actual kids. If you can't face that, don't do it.

 

And despite how awesome the woman is, if she wants kids and you don't, your relationship will no longer be awesome.

[somedude81]

I'd also like to point out that I'm nowhere near financially stable enough to have kids.

 

The thought of having kids is so far out there I can't even think about. Never mind the fact that I've only had one girlfriend my entire life and my longest relationship lasted six months.

 

"Being with a woman for at least 18 years and raising children with her? Huh?" Ask me again when I get to 18 months.

[somedude81]

That's true. Let me put it slightly differently. I'm almost sure that I want kids, but if I didn't have them, I wouldn't be devestated. Whereas I know a person in my life that having kids is the only goal she has. And if she doesn't realise it, she'll consider her life over. But

 

I do know, however, if I had them, I would make all the sacrifices necessary to ensure they grew up loved and looked after. I'd be happy to do it, even if I was unsure about having them in the beginning.

 

So, if you can accept the sacrifices having kids will allow you to have, then you can be unsure about having the actual kids. If you can't face that, don't do it.

 

And despite how awesome the woman is, if she wants kids and you don't, your relationship will no longer be awesome.

Right now I'm definitely in the unsure stage. Though I know if I do have them, I can make the necessary sacrifices. But before that I'd like to spend a lot of time with the woman just me and her before kids come into the picture. That won't be possible if I dated a single mom.

 

(I know I talk about my ex too much, but please forgive me as she's my only point of reference.)

 

I knew that she wanted kids and that she would be very happy to have them. She also would be a great mother.

 

If we had stayed together and gotten married, I wouldn't want to rob her of the experience of being a mother.

 

Most likely, my future wife's desire to have kids will be stronger than my uncertainty.

 

Basically if I had a conversation with a very serious GF or wife and she told me that she wants kids, it's not something I would fight against. It would just be me being selfish.

[pickflicker]

Right now I'm definitely in the unsure stage. Though I know if I do have them, I can make the necessary sacrifices. But before that I'd like to spend a lot of time with the woman just me and her before kids come into the picture. That won't be possible if I dated a single mom.

 

(I know I talk about my ex too much, but please forgive me as she's my only point of reference.)

 

I knew that she wanted kids and that she would be very happy to have them. She also would be a great mother.

 

If we had stayed together and gotten married, I wouldn't want to rob her of the experience of being a mother.

 

Most likely, my future wife's desire to have kids will be stronger than my uncertainty.

 

Basically if I had a conversation with a very serious GF or wife and she told me that she wants kids, it's not something I would fight against. It would just be me being selfish.

 

Just be sure you want them. I have seen what happens to kids who were resented by their parents. It's heartbreaking. Don't think that you're better off in an unhappy relationship rather than none at all - it's simply not true.

[somedude81]

Just be sure you want them. I have seen what happens to kids who were resented by their parents. It's heartbreaking. Don't think that you're better off in an unhappy relationship rather than none at all - it's simply not true.

I think that happens more often in situations where the kids are unplanned. Or the guy clearly does not want kids, but has them anyways.

[pickflicker]

I think that happens more often in situations where the kids are unplanned. Or the guy clearly does not want kids, but has them anyways.

 

No, plenty of people plan for kids, and then fail to realise how life-altering it is. And there are some people where kids are totally unplanned, and it ended up working out..

 

I think if you can, you should be prepared for kids as much as possible. But planned on not, they do alter your life, and planned or not, some people don't respond to it well.

[somedude81]

Anybody have any advice how I can get my ex out of my head and stop being so angry at her?

 

It's been 2 and a half months, and I still can't even take a shower without reminiscing about the times we took them together. Then before I know it I'm yelling curse words at the top of my lungs. There goes the nice relaxing shower.

[pickflicker]

Anybody have any advice how I can get my ex out of my head and stop being so angry at her?

 

It's been 2 and a half months, and I still can't even take a shower without reminiscing about the times we took them together. Then before I know it I'm yelling curse words at the top of my lungs. There goes the nice relaxing shower.

 

You're only stunted on your healing because you kept breaking NC. Go 90 days with NC then see how you feel after that.

[plethora]

Feel free to disregard this as I know you're tired of the friends discussion.

 

I'm 24 and in my final year of university in a capital city in the uk.

I houseshare with two other lesbians who I'm friends with.

Do you know how many single and available women I have met through them over three years? People on their course, in societies, sports/cheerleading clubs, that work their part time jobs with them, etc etc?

Personally I'm getting married so I wasn't looking to date them, but I've introduced them to people on my degree etc too.

It really can be a much much easier way to meet people you'd like to date. You've already got a mutual friend you can chat about/do activities with/put in a good work for you.

[somedude81]

You're only stunted on your healing because you kept breaking NC. Go 90 days with NC then see how you feel after that.

Well I was on day 30 something when she replied to me, though I had been trying to contact her every now and then.

 

But OK. Day 3. Now that it's painfully clear she doesn't want to hear from me, it's much easier to resist contacting her.

Edited February 20, 2014 by somedude81

[HeavenOrHell]

Why are you angry with her? it's not a crime to break up with someone and there aren't many clean and easy ways to break up with someone, the person is going to feel hurt no matter what, it doesn't mean the dumper deserves anger though.

I wasn't angry with my ex for leaving after 2 decades, I was hurt and a lot of other things, but how could I reasonably be angry with him for falling out of love with me? Not his fault and not a crime.

If you're angry because she made out things were ok for a couple of weeks can you honestly say you'd have been more ok with her leaving if she had told you sooner she wanted out?

She didn't cheat on you, she wasn't nasty to you, she was probably scared to voice how she felt for fear of how you'd react, she knew you would not be happy and that you might giver her a hard time over it.

 

 

Anybody have any advice how I can get my ex out of my head and stop being so angry at her?

 

It's been 2 and a half months, and I still can't even take a shower without reminiscing about the times we took them together. Then before I know it I'm yelling curse words at the top of my lungs. There goes the nice relaxing shower.

[HeavenOrHell]

It wasn't NC if you tried contacting her.

 

I hope it will indeed be easier to not contact her knowing she'll be angry again if you do.

 

 

Well I was on day 30 something when she replied to me, though I had been trying to contact her every now and then.

 

But OK. Day 3. Now that it's painfully clear she doesn't want to hear from me, it's much easier to resist contacting her.

[somedude81]

Why are you angry with her? it's not a crime to break up with someone

It should be

 

and there aren't many clean and easy ways to break up with someone, the person is going to feel hurt no matter what, it doesn't mean the dumper deserves anger though.

I'm angry that she was so cold to me after she dumped me. I'm mad that she never initiated contact. I'm mad that she made it seem like I was bothering her when I wanted to talk to her while I was dying inside. I mad that she doesn't want to try and work things out.

 

I'm extremely mad at myself for "letting" it happen. I finally had what I wanted most in the entire world, and I just let her walk out of my life without a fight. There are a million ways I would have preferred to handle the break up talk and what happened immediately afterward. But I was literally in shock when I realized she was breaking up with me.

 

I wasn't angry with my ex for leaving after 2 decades, I was hurt and a lot of other things, but how could I reasonably be angry with him for falling out of love with me? Not his fault and not a crime.

Are you sure you weren't angry at him? That doesn't seem right.

 

If you're angry because she made out things were ok for a couple of weeks can you honestly say you'd have been more ok with her leaving if she had told you sooner she wanted out?

Absolutely.

 

She was living a lie. It's a betrayal of trust to pretend that everything is OK. By her pretending, it never gave us the chance to talk about things and see if we can do something different. If she wasn't feeling appreciated I would have started doing a lot more for her. It hurts so much knowing that she didn't care enough about me to work on the relationship. That she just gave up. It made me feel like a fool for believing that things were OK.

 

Worst of all, she let me go on vacation for a week knowing that things were not fine between us. If I had known that she was unsure about the relationship I never would have left. She made me regret visiting my parents. Even now I wish I had not gone on that trip back home.

 

I'm pissed at her for directly lying to me. She did not have to go through the whole charade of making plans to come to my place and stay a couple of nights. She stuck to that lie completely up until the point where I groped one of her breasts and then she started to talk about her feelings. We had been talking for around an hour about what she did in the time we were apart and about her grandmother and stuff like that. She was wasting my time. I have wondered that if I didn't start to get physical until right before bed, would she have continued the charade. When I talked to her over text a month ago, she said she wouldn't have spent that much time with me because she had planned to break up with me, but frankly I don't believe her.

 

I'm grateful that she broke up with me in person, but doing it under such false pretenses was horrible. Instead of pretending to me that she was happy to see me and was going to stay several nights, she should have just had me to go her house and suggest we go walking around the part in her neighborhood like we've done a few times. That way she shouldn't have had to lie so much.

 

I can't describe how much I was looking forward to spending those days and nights with her.

 

 

 

She didn't cheat on you, she wasn't nasty to you, she was probably scared to voice how she felt for fear of how you'd react, she knew you would not be happy and that you might giver her a hard time over it.

I would have taken it so much better if she told me that things weren't quite right as soon she felt that she was unsure. We would have talked about it. See if we could change things. Give it a month. If she still was feeling unsure, we would have to break up and I would know that I tried absolutely everything that I could.

 

Instead she dropped the bomb on me. Frankly, if she was worried about how I would react, she would have brought things up to me very easily.

 

The odds of my freaking out are much greater when I'm suddenly being dumped, than if she told me over dinner that some things are bugging her....

Edited February 20, 2014 by somedude81

[Imajerk17]

somedude81, one of the big lessons I had to learn about other people is that they are generally well-intentioned but they often behave badly. They don't mean to, it just is. I've learned to stop taking other people's behavior so personally for that reason.

 

Your girlfriend might have had her doubts all along but maybe she didn't know what to make of them or even whether her doubts were about her, so she played along, hoping her feelings of doubt would go away. Maybe it was immature of her but she is only 21.

 

I realize this alone won't make you feel better. Read the book "Why We Love" by Helen Fisher. The rage you feel post-breakup, and indeed the cycling through emotions that you seem to be experiencing (rage to remorse even to moments of acceptance to rage) is normal and actually biochemical.

Edited February 20, 2014 by Imajerk17

[pickflicker]

She'd made up her mind to break up with you, for whatever reason suited her, and she knew that you would desperately try to change her mind if she let you in on the decision earlier, which only would have made her feel worse.

 

6 months is not that long a time. It's a short relationship, as far as relationships go. She's 21, and had just spent 3 years previously in a relationship. She didn't act in a monstrous way, she acted like someone very much her age.

 

90 days, NC, and you need to start actively pushing her out of your mind when she pops in. My technique has always been to switch to reciting dialogue from movies, TV shows, song lyrics - it works for me.

 

EDIT: sorry, I should note that I recite in my head...not out loud...

Edited February 20, 2014 by pickflicker

[somedude81]

somedude81, one of the big lessons I had to learn about other people is that they are generally well-intentioned but they often behave badly. They don't mean to, it just is. I've learned to stop taking other people's behavior so personally for that reason.

 

Your girlfriend might have had her doubts all along but maybe she didn't know what to make of them or even whether her doubts were about her, so she played along, hoping her feelings of doubt would go away. Maybe it was immature of her but she is only 21.

 

I realize this alone won't make you feel better. Read the book "Why We Love" by Helen Fisher. The rage you feel post-breakup, and indeed the cycling through emotions that you seem to be experiencing (rage to remorse even to moments of acceptance to rage) is normal and actually biochemical.

Yes, I believe it was a combination of her not wanting to hurt me and being conflict avoidant and her being only 21.

 

Most likely she did have "good intentions," as good as dumping some one could be, though I am having a very hard time not taking it personally. I don't know how I couldn't take it personally this was only about two people, me and her. She absolutely knew that I really liked her and that breaking up with me would hurt me.

 

She was very kind during the actual break up talk, but then she became cold towards me from then on. Most likely it was because we were only communicating through text. I should have driven to her house a couple of days later and talked to her in person to get everything sorted out.

 

She told me that she was having doubts for about two weeks before I left on my trip. What you said about them and her hoping they would go away seems likely. I just wish she would have said something, anything. Hell, if she turned down sex I would have asked her if she was OK. There just wasn't any indication at all, nothing for me to pick up on. All I know was that she was stressed from working so much, and helping her grandmother pack. I should have offered to meet her at her parents house more often so she didn't have to make the drive to me

 

She used the time that I was gone to talk to her friends and get other peoples opinion about the relationship. She said that me being away gave her time to think. Most likely she didn't come to the conclusion of dumping me till after I was gone for several days.

 

I'll look into the book. My extreme range of emotions has troubled me. At this point I believe that I was in love with her, but it really hurts me that I didn't tell her that I loved her, nor did I hear it from her. Though the main reason I didn't tell her, was that I was waiting for her to say it first, because I didn't want to fully expose myself to her and then have her leave me. In the end, it seems like I was correct.

Edited February 20, 2014 by somedude81

[pickflicker]

She probably became cold to you post-break up in order to prevent you from hoping that her mind would change. She expected you to be more intuitive than you were and pick up on it. I've done it. Yes, it's cruel, but some guys don't get the message if you are polite post-break up. They think they're still in with a chance. Even if you TELL them "no deal", they won't listen. So your actions have to reflect your words.

 

You know for next time.

[somedude81]

She probably became cold to you post-break up in order to prevent you from hoping that her mind would change. She expected you to be more intuitive than you were and pick up on it. I've done it. Yes, it's cruel, but some guys don't get the message if you are polite post-break up. They think they're still in with a chance. Even if you TELL them "no deal", they won't listen. So your actions have to reflect your words.

 

You know for next time.

Yes, she fully expected me to just get it. Obviously I didn't.

 

She knew that she was my first girlfriend so I believe it was completely unreasonable for her to expect me to know how to handle getting dumped. I agree with you that it's cruel. It makes her come across as a cold-hearted bitch, though I've never seen her act that way at all so it was almost as if I was talking to a different person. Again I'm regretting that we only ever texted. Unfortunately the window for showing up at her house has long since passed.

 

Most importantly, I believe that a great deal of how she treated me, is related to how her relationship with her other ex ended. Even though she dumped two guys in the same year, within seven months of each other, things were bad with him for at least a year. Most likely she still had negative feelings about him that got transferred over to me. I don't think she did it on purpose, but it still happened, and was unfair to me.

[pickflicker]

An example from my own life (if it helps):

 

Went on a date a few years ago. Dude was nice, but I wasn't overly attracted to him (it's true what they say - we make a decision pretty quickly if we want to sleep with you or not). He walked me home, and proceeded to get VERY inappropriate, touching me, kissing me, and asking could he come inside my house. No deal. The next day he texted - I ignored it. It was one date, I thought he'd get the message. Nope. 3 days of continuous texting later, I finally laid it out in specific terms "I found your post-date behaviour inappropriate, you made me feel uncomfortable, I'm not interested in seeing you again." A week later, another text - like nothing had happened. I steadfastly ignored subsequent texts until he finally gave up.

 

If you don't pick up on the subtle cues a woman gives you, she's going to think you're learning impaired. You'll kill any potential attraction. The best lesson you can learn from this, is that when the first text/call/email/smoke signal goes unanswered, don't send a second.

[somedude81]

An example from my own life (if it helps):

 

Went on a date a few years ago. Dude was nice, but I wasn't overly attracted to him (it's true what they say - we make a decision pretty quickly if we want to sleep with you or not). He walked me home, and proceeded to get VERY inappropriate, touching me, kissing me, and asking could he come inside my house. No deal. The next day he texted - I ignored it. It was one date, I thought he'd get the message. Nope. 3 days of continuous texting later, I finally laid it out in specific terms "I found your post-date behaviour inappropriate, you made me feel uncomfortable, I'm not interested in seeing you again." A week later, another text - like nothing had happened. I steadfastly ignored subsequent texts until he finally gave up.

 

If you don't pick up on the subtle cues a woman gives you, she's going to think you're learning impaired. You'll kill any potential attraction. The best lesson you can learn from this, is that when the first text/call/email/smoke signal goes unanswered, don't send a second.

Yeah I understand your example, but I think me and her went a little further than having one awkward date.

 

What the guy did in your story was inappropriate. He barely knew you.

 

My girlfriend basically lived with me for 3 days a week for five months. It stands to reason that I would get a bit attached to her and not give up after one missed text.

[pickflicker]

Yeah I understand your example, but I think me and her went a little further than having one awkward date.

 

What the guy did in your story was inappropriate. He barely knew you.

 

My girlfriend basically lived with me for 3 days a week for five months. It stands to reason that I would get a bit attached to her and not give up after one missed text.

 

Fair enough. But the best way to handle it, whether it's 1date or 6 months, is to walk away. It might seem defeatist, but you'll save yourself a lot of grief.

 

If children or joint finances are involved, it's a little different. But prior to that, if you get dumped, don't fight. Just walk away and protect yourself. Let them make the next move.

[somedude81]

Fair enough. But the best way to handle it, whether it's 1date or 6 months, is to walk away. It might seem defeatist, but you'll save yourself a lot of grief.

 

If children or joint finances are involved, it's a little different. But prior to that, if you get dumped, don't fight. Just walk away and protect yourself. Let them make the next move.

Alas that's the difference between knowing the right thing to do,and being able to do it.

 

It'll be easier next time.

[clia]

I'm pissed at her for directly lying to me. She did not have to go through the whole charade of making plans to come to my place and stay a couple of nights. She stuck to that lie completely up until the point where I groped one of her breasts and then she started to talk about her feelings. We had been talking for around an hour about what she did in the time we were apart and about her grandmother and stuff like that. She was wasting my time. I have wondered that if I didn't start to get physical until right before bed, would she have continued the charade. When I talked to her over text a month ago, she said she wouldn't have spent that much time with me because she had planned to break up with me, but frankly I don't believe her.

 

You've brought this up on several threads -- how you "groped" one of her breasts and that was when she lowered the boom and broke up with you. (I remember because I thought it was really weird.) So, you two were talking about her grandmother and Thanksgiving and then you just groped one of her breasts out of the blue while you were sitting there?

 

I mean...look...I have no idea what your relationship with her was like, but I've dated gropers in the past and that can get really annoying. It's also kind of rude. You start to feel like a piece of meat, especially when it isn't a sexual situation (like, say, when you are just having a conversation). Had she ever pushed your hand away when you groped her in the past (I assume this wasn't the first time), even in a joking kind of manner? Did she ever tell you not to do that or act irritated by it? Think hard.

 

Because I do find it odd that she brought her overnight bag over if she was planning to dump you and go home. It's entirely possible that she wasn't planning on dumping you that day, and was going to give the situation more thought, but your groping of her breast was the straw that broke the camel's back for her. It's possible that she just brought the bag because you would be suspicious otherwise if she showed up without a bag, but why? Who cares if she is going to dump you anyway? I have to say...that seems like a lot of effort if she knew she was just going to turn around and go home.

 

I don't know, SD. I tend to think you are attributing far too many nefarious motives to her. Since you haven't had the experience of breaking up with someone, you don't know how hard it is to do. You also haven't had the experience of feelings fading away or not feeling right. People's feelings aren't just like light switches. They don't just turn on and off, so breaking up often isn't a black and white situation. (Look at how many threads you see on this site with people questioning whether they should stay in a relationship or not.) She likely had some feelings for you, but she also was questioning some things about your relationship. She was thinking about what to do. That's not lying. And I know you keep insisting that there were no signs at all, but that simply is not true based upon your posts. Off the top of my head -- she decreased the amount of time she saw you, she never introduced you to her friends, you two never talked about the future, you two never said "I love you," ... I think I've said this before, but those are all signs that this was not a particularly serious relationship -- to either of you, frankly. Your story has changed now, but you had previously talked before about planning to break up with her this spring or after you graduated because you didn't want to marry your first girlfriend. I honestly don't think it benefits you to try to rewrite the relationship and to ignore signs that were there.

[organizedchaos]

You've brought this up on several threads -- how you "groped" one of her breasts and that was when she lowered the boom and broke up with you. (I remember because I thought it was really weird.) So, you two were talking about her grandmother and Thanksgiving and then you just groped one of her breasts out of the blue while you were sitting there?

 

I mean...look...I have no idea what your relationship with her was like, but I've dated gropers in the past and that can get really annoying. It's also kind of rude. You start to feel like a piece of meat, especially when it isn't a sexual situation (like, say, when you are just having a conversation). Had she ever pushed your hand away when you groped her in the past (I assume this wasn't the first time), even in a joking kind of manner? Did she ever tell you not to do that or act irritated by it? Think hard.

 

Because I do find it odd that she brought her overnight bag over if she was planning to dump you and go home. It's entirely possible that she wasn't planning on dumping you that day, and was going to give the situation more thought, but your groping of her breast was the straw that broke the camel's back for her. It's possible that she just brought the bag because you would be suspicious otherwise if she showed up without a bag, but why? Who cares if she is going to dump you anyway? I have to say...that seems like a lot of effort if she knew she was just going to turn around and go home.

 

I don't know, SD. I tend to think you are attributing far too many nefarious motives to her. Since you haven't had the experience of breaking up with someone, you don't know how hard it is to do. You also haven't had the experience of feelings fading away or not feeling right. People's feelings aren't just like light switches. They don't just turn on and off, so breaking up often isn't a black and white situation. (Look at how many threads you see on this site with people questioning whether they should stay in a relationship or not.) She likely had some feelings for you, but she also was questioning some things about your relationship. She was thinking about what to do. That's not lying. And I know you keep insisting that there were no signs at all, but that simply is not true based upon your posts. Off the top of my head -- she decreased the amount of time she saw you, she never introduced you to her friends, you two never talked about the future, you two never said "I love you," ... I think I've said this before, but those are all signs that this was not a particularly serious relationship -- to either of you, frankly. Your story has changed now, but you had previously talked before about planning to break up with her this spring or after you graduated because you didn't want to marry your first girlfriend. I honestly don't think it benefits you to try to rewrite the relationship and to ignore signs that were there.

 

 

The groping also goes back to the oral sex issues and the constantly asking her to do it. Or maybe demanding? And the anger issues. It all adds up to her reasons whether you can see it or not.

 

And in any case, you don't just go and "grope" your girlfriend. No one likes to just have someone forcefully grab them when they're not expecting it, even if it's your lover. That's common sense and borderline abusive.

[somedude81]

You've brought this up on several threads -- how you "groped" one of her breasts and that was when she lowered the boom and broke up with you. (I remember because I thought it was really weird.) So, you two were talking about her grandmother and Thanksgiving and then you just groped one of her breasts out of the blue while you were sitting there?

 

I mean...look...I have no idea what your relationship with her was like, but I've dated gropers in the past and that can get really annoying. It's also kind of rude. You start to feel like a piece of meat, especially when it isn't a sexual situation (like, say, when you are just having a conversation).

Please give me the benefit of the doubt Clia.

 

I didn't just grab her breast out of nowhere. The conversation about her grandmother and Thanksgiving had finished and I had started talking about me missing her. I was touching and caressing her the entire time we were sitting on the couch talking, her arms, shoulders, legs. All of this was normal for us. She liked it when I touch her and said it feels nice when we've talked about it in the past.

 

Had she ever pushed your hand away when you groped her in the past (I assume this wasn't the first time), even in a joking kind of manner? Did she ever tell you not to do that or act irritated by it? Think hard.

Never. She has never acted annoyed or tried to stop me. Aside from that day, I've never groped her in an inappropriate situation. I always knew when she would be OK with it, and never did it in public, which is something her ex did.

 

Immediately after I squeezed her breast, she said "Before we do anything, I need to talk about my feelings." If she did not speak up like that, we would have had sex in normal circumstances.

 

Because I do find it odd that she brought her overnight bag over if she was planning to dump you and go home. It's entirely possible that she wasn't planning on dumping you that day, and was going to give the situation more thought, but your groping of her breast was the straw that broke the camel's back for her. It's possible that she just brought the bag because you would be suspicious otherwise if she showed up without a bag, but why? Who cares if she is going to dump you anyway? I have to say...that seems like a lot of effort if she knew she was just going to turn around and go home.

Record of text conversation on 1/3/2014.

 

Me: Something has been bugging me for a very long time. Why did you bring your overnight bag that day? 8:06 PM

Her: To make it look normal. 8:07 PM

Me: Wow, I wasn't actually expecting you to respond. Thank you. Why would you want to make it look normal? All that did is delay everything. 8:08 PM

Her: Not trying to freak you out initially 8:10 PM

Me: From what I can tell, what brought your talk was me getting grabby. What if I didn't try anything till 10 at night? 8:10 PM

Me: Would we have gone shopping, hung out then cooked dinner, watched TV and then have the talk? 8:11 PM

Her: Nope I wasn't going to let it go that far 8:12 PM

Her: You've gone over it a million times. Just let it go. 8:13 PM

--------------------------

There you have it.

 

Yes it was a lot of effort to go through, especially since we live 50 minutes away from each other.

 

Why would me groping her be the last straw? There is no way she would have believed that I wouldn't want to have sex with her that day. That's kind of the reason why she spends the night.

 

I'm curious to see how things would have went, if I didn't start to make the transition into sex when I did, and had in fact waited till later in the evening.

 

 

 

I don't know, SD. I tend to think you are attributing far too many nefarious motives to her. Since you haven't had the experience of breaking up with someone, you don't know how hard it is to do. You also haven't had the experience of feelings fading away or not feeling right. People's feelings aren't just like light switches. They don't just turn on and off, so breaking up often isn't a black and white situation. (Look at how many threads you see on this site with people questioning whether they should stay in a relationship or not.) She likely had some feelings for you, but she also was questioning some things about your relationship. She was thinking about what to do. That's not lying.

You're right. I have no idea what it's like to break up with somebody. Nor have I had the experience of feelings fading away when I'm still interacting with somebody. My feelings for a girl only being to fade once I no longer see her, and it takes months to hit that point.

 

What bugged me the most, is that if she was questioning things about the relationship, why did she not talk about it with me?

 

Lying is pretending things are OK when they are not. She said that she was feeling unsure for two weeks, before I even left on my trip. Yet things between us for that time were the same as always and we were having sex up until the very last day I saw her.

 

Making plans to spend a couple of days with me and the whole bag incident was a complete lie.

 

 

 

And I know you keep insisting that there were no signs at all, but that simply is not true based upon your posts. Off the top of my head -- she decreased the amount of time she saw you, she never introduced you to her friends, you two never talked about the future, you two never said "I love you," ... I think I've said this before, but those are all signs that this was not a particularly serious relationship -- to either of you, frankly.

You're talking about two different things. Signs that she wasn't happy. And signs that it wasn't a serious relationship.

 

She decreased the time she saw me because she works clothing retail and the holiday season was starting. She basically went from working three days a week to five days. Also her grandmother was selling her house and moving into an assisted living place. My ex was very involved in the packing process. She was tired and stressed.

 

As for it not being a serious relationship. I have no idea. This was my first relationship so I have no other point of reference. It was very serious to me, but I have no idea what she thought about it. I do know that she liked me very much and there was no way she would have sex with me if she didn't. I'm the second guy she has ever been with, and she went on birth control so we could have sex without condoms. She was very paranoid about getting pregnant. If that doesn't say that the relationship was serious to her, then I don't know what would.

 

Your story has changed now, but you had previously talked before about planning to break up with her this spring or after you graduated because you didn't want to marry your first girlfriend.

My story has never changed.

 

I have only said that I may consider breaking up with her after I graduated. The only way I would do that is if I found a great job back home. Meaning, I would think about breaking up with her if I found a job that payed like 70K a year.

 

Around the four month point, I realized that I absolutely did not want to break up with her, and was actually planning on getting an apartment in the city where she is going to nursing school.

 

As for me not wanting to marry my first girlfriend. That's something I had no problem saying because I had never been in love when I used to say that. I've also heard how it's a very bad idea to marry your first GF. Now that I've actually had a GF, I know how stupid my thoughts were back then.

 

I don't know why she never told me that she loved me. Perhaps she was waiting for me to say it first, as I was for her to say it first. I felt that she loved me, and I felt that I loved her, but deep down I was terrified that she would leave me. I pretty much expect bad things to happen to me, and I didn't want to fully open myself up, because I knew it make me hurt more. Well as it turns out, getting dumped by her still hurt like hell, even if I didn't tell her that I loved her, so there was no point in keeping that to myself.

Edited February 21, 2014 by somedude81