I'm tired of chasing women.

[pickflicker]

Exactly the type of response I was expecting. Thanks pickflicker

 

I can't handle the school + the commitment required by a job. I don't care that other people are able to. I can't.

 

My class schedule is kind of funky and it would be a struggle to get a job to fit.

 

Most likely I'll start looking for a job in the summer.

 

That's all I'm going to say about working.

 

As a reminder, this thread is about women, not working or schooling.

 

But this kind "can't" attitude - women pick up on this! Emilia, Elswyth, they've all said the same thing!

[normal person]

There is just no way I'm going to wait until December to start dating.

 

That's great that you think that, but in reality you don't really offer a girl much until then. Merely expressing how badly you want to date doesn't negate the actuality of the situation or make you look any more appealing. It's not so much dependent on what you want as it is to what you offer/are.

 

I will not be talking about school from now on and all posts that are about school will be reported as off-topic.

 

This is a pattern I've noticed from your posts. You insist that your problem has nothing to do with your school situation, while outside observers with nothing to gain or lose assure you that it does. You're not hurting anyone but yourself by ignoring what they say.

 

It's like a guy who makes decent money as an engineer but is only 5' tall. He wonders why he can't get girls, people are honest and tell him it's because of his height. But he's sensitive about it, so he replies "No it's not. They don't care about my height because I make decent money. STOP SAYING IT'S MY HEIGHT, MY HEIGHT IS NOT RELEVANT." Yes it is.

 

It's out of touch with reality. Lucky for you, you can actually do something about your situation, just not immediately. Whether you like it or not, your status as a 31 year old undergrad is a big strike against you regardless of why you're there.

 

As for what I can offer a woman, I can offer a woman pretty much everything that any other guy she meets on campus can offer her. Plus I have my own apartment and car, which many guys on campus do not. I'm also not broke and have enough money to get by and have fun.

 

That plus my winning personality, is more than enough for any girl I meet in school.

 

So they see a 31 year old with the assets of a 22 year old. They can have a young guy their age, in great shape, who's got his life straightened out from the start with a promising future. He'll enter the workforce at 21 or go to grad/med/law school. Or if they do want to date someone who's 31, they can go for a guy who's been working for 10 years and has had a good degree of success already. You don't have the youthful ambition or the subsequent success, you're effectively 10 years behind everyone. I just don't see any way you can spin this where you are objectively more desirable than either of those two types of guys. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to sound like a jerk but I don't want to sugarcoat anything. It seems to me that you're just denying the source of your problems and it's not doing you any good. Cruel to be kind.

 

 

Additionally, there is a reason why I'm more interested in the younger women, simply because they expect less from a guy than a woman who is 27+ would.

 

How convenient considering you have much less to offer than a man 27+ would. Is this an admission of that? Also, there's an old adage about beggars and choosers you should probably look up.

 

Let me ask you this, if not your school situation, why exactly do you think you're struggling with the process so much?

Edited February 11, 2014 by normal person

[pickflicker]

That's great that you think that, but in reality you don't really offer a girl much until then. Merely expressing how badly you want to date doesn't negate the actuality of the situation or make you look any more appealing. It's not so much dependent on what you want as it is to what you offer/are.

 

 

 

This is a pattern I've noticed from your posts. You insist that your problem has nothing to do with your school situation, while outside observers with nothing to gain or lose assure you that it does. You're not hurting anyone but yourself by ignoring what they say.

 

It's like a guy who makes decent money as an engineer but is only 5' tall. He wonders why he can't get girls, people are honest and tell him it's his height. But he's sensitive about it, so he replies "No it's not. They don't care about my height because I make decent money. STOP SAYING IT'S MY HEIGHT, MY HEIGHT IS NOT RELEVANT." Yes it is.

 

It's out of touch with reality. Lucky for you, you can actually do something about your situation, just not immediately. Whether you like it or not, your status as a 31 year old undergrad is a big strike against you regardless of why you're there.

 

 

 

So they see a 31 year old with the assets of a 22 year old. They can have a young guy their age, in great shape, who's got his life straightened out from the start with a promising future. He'll enter the workforce at 21 or go to grad/med/law school. Or if they do want to date someone who's 31, they can go for a guy who's been working for 10 years and has had a good degree of success already. You don't have the youthful ambition or the subsequent success, you're effectively 10 years behind everyone. I just don't see any way you can spin this where you are objectively more desirable than either of those two types of guys. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to sound like a jerk but I don't want to sugarcoat anything. It seems to me that you're just denying the source of your problems and it's not doing you any good. Cruel to be kind.

 

 

 

 

How convenient considering you have much less to offer than a man 27+ would. Is this an admission of that? Also, there's an old adage about beggars and choosers you should probably look up.

 

Let me ask you this, if not your school situation, why exactly do you think you're struggling with the process so much?

 

I think it's also relevant to note that the "money" is tied to schooling, right? It becomes debt upon completion of the degree? Now, higher education loans are structured very differently where I am - you don't have to pay them back until you're earning a certain amount, and it's interest free, and it's deducted from gross salary, so it doesn't impact a person's credit rating - but when the OP says he has enough money, is that money loaned or money earned? It makes a big difference, is all I'm saying, and these things are relevant even if OP doesn't agree.

[Anela]

And how would a woman be attracted by me being fulfilled in life?

 

I'm pretty sure I'd still need to go up to and talk to a bunch of women, try to hold their attention and have a conversation.

 

Nobody is psychic and able to see a void, unless the void person comes across as really desperate.

 

When you're fulfilled in life, people tend to notice that, and you. You don't *need* to have someone there (or, I don't when I'm feeling good). Your stature can change - the way you carry yourself - unconsciously.

[f1asr88]

Don't throw in the towel somedude81!

If you find a woman who will take you as you are now, still in school, not earning much etc, then you will know she is genuine and a definite keeper, who (as seems a rarity these days) wants to be with you for the person you are and not the job you do, the money you earn, or the status you hold.

[Targetlock]

the right person will be the worth the wait and effort or that is what i tell myself to keep me going.

also its such a stereotype that us men have to do the chasing? why can't the women pursue us for once, i would find that really attractive and rid me of some of my fears but yeah that has never happened of course.

[man_in_the_box]

I don't know if I'm completely insane, but a part of me wishes I had gotten my ex pregnant, which would have prevented her from dumping me.

 

Yes pregnancy trapping is ****ing sick.

Edited February 12, 2014 by man_in_the_box

[Negative Nancy]

a woman who will take you as you are now, still in school, not earning much etc, then you will know she is genuine and a definite keeper, who (as seems a rarity these days) wants to be with you for the person you are and not the job you do, the money you earn, or the status you hold.

 

That woman is me.

 

also its such a stereotype that us men have to do the chasing? why can't the women pursue us for once, i would find that really attractive and rid me of some of my fears but yeah that has never happened of course.

 

I chased my man in the beginning. So it does happen.

 

In short, we want someone who wants us, not needs us. Needs are for children. Adults want. Adults desire.

 

Speak for yourself. I love feeling needed. If you have a shred of nurturing instincts in you, knowing that the other person needs you is just great.

 

I cant offer somedude any advice, but I wanted to say I feel for you. As you remember, in the past we've butted heads here and there and I often, ahem, didnt post exactly nice things, but seeing how much you really suffer from not being in a relationship makes me feel sorry for you. I know how lonely it can get, some people are happiest when they are in a relationship and no new age talk of "be happy on your own first" is going to change that. Some people are simply relationship people (I am). All I can say is, don't give up, and I hope you find "your one" soon.

[Revolver]

The downside to being a man, no question. Our role is to do the pursuing, which will always suck...until it works.

 

Pretty much, as a man it's something you have to get over if you want any type of success

[MidwestUSA]

Back to OP. Dude, you concerned me with your pregnancy comment. Think this thru, long and hard. Had she gotten pregnant, sure, maybe she would would have stayed with you. But, and I'm sorry to bring it up, you have to realize how intertwined schooling and employment are with the rest of your life.

 

How on earth would you expect to finish school and provide for a baby? And the baby's mother? What if it derailed her schooling, and she never went back?

 

Just be careful what you wish for.

Edited February 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kart180]

Confidence. A self-assured, confident man.

 

Back to OP. Dude, you concerned me with your pregnancy comment. Think this thru, long and hard. Had she gotten pregnant, sure, maybe she would would have stayed with you. But, and I'm sorry to bring it up, you have to realize how intertwined schooling and employment are with the rest of your life.

 

How on earth would you expect to finish school and provide for a baby? And the baby's mother? What if it derailed her schooling, and she never went back?

 

Just be careful what you wish for.

 

That's ,

Back to the OP, if she becomes pregnant early then it will cause problems with school etc.

 

Like MidWestUSA, don't lose the opportunity for good education. A family can wait. You need to find a good job before having a baby, be very careful what u wish. That's why, I got a degree and my education early and now I can find a job and GF. No kids for me

Edited February 12, 2014 by kart180

[KathyM]

Would it really be any better to play the passive role, where you sit around and wait for men to pursue you, or wait for the phone to ring, or wait for them to notice you, and then they don't? Or they go after other girls and you are left alone? Plenty of women like that who have little to no success at getting male attention. At least as a man, you can take action and be proactive in pursuing what you want, and don't have to wait around for someone to decide to pursue you. Although I can see that you hate rejection, women feel just as bad when they are rejected. At least you can be proactive about it. I would also suggest not waiting so long before asking a woman out. You don't have to build a connection first before asking a woman out. That is what dating is for.

[xxoo]

Regarding the pregnancy fantasy fix-all:

 

You think chasing women is difficult now. Try it as a single dad with a bitter ex-wife! You won't even be able to afford salsa classes, because the kid needs health insurance, dpctor visits, daycare, new shoes.....

[AD1980]

Let's just start here. Why don't people give a damn about you? Why are conversations awkward?

 

If you don't like interacting with people in general, and if you only do so when it is for the purpose of "hunting", then it won't be fun.

 

If you take the perspective of getting to know many people, making friends (men and women), having a social group and all the benefits it affords (including rubbing elbows with more women, in more natural situations, with more to talk about!), it'll feel less like work.

 

The cart is before the horse. That's why it so damn hard to push. If you get the degree, get the job, and get the friends, finding a girlfriend would be a breeze.

 

Getting friends isnt always a sure answer especially once you hit yuor 30's, none of my friends or their wives have any single friends left

[AD1980]

est not waiting so long before asking a woman out. You don't have to build a connection first before asking a woman out. That is what dating is for.

 

This is where it gets confusing you have women who say you must build a connection first and have her get to know you before you ask her out because it looks desperate if you ask for a date too fast then you get this advice which is the opposite.

 

Ime its only the good looking guys who can creaet attraction right away and get dates off barely knowing a women its us average and ugly guys who have to "grow" on women to create attraction and so when your an unattractive guy without single women in your social circle it gets extremely because youre forced to try to create attraction with strangers.

[clia]

Getting friends isnt always a sure answer especially once you hit yuor 30's, none of my friends or their wives have any single friends left

 

There are plenty of people out there who are in their 30s and single. If all of your current friends have coupled up, you simply have to go out and find new friends who are single. I know a ton of people who are in their 30s (and 40s, for that matter) who are single. In my city there are entire Meetup groups directed toward people in their 30s, 40s, and up, and the vast majority of the people showing up at those events are single.

[somedude81]

Why do you think it is that they all say say "no" when you ask them out or try to get past date one?

 

I know you don't want to face this reality, but if you are actually asking that many girls out on dates and they are all saying "no," (and not because they are already taken), it's very likely that you are aiming for girls who are out of your league. This could also be a result of you going after girls who are so much younger than you. Ten plus years is a big age difference to a girl who is 20 or 21 years old. The bottom line is that if you are actually trying to get dates and asking girls out and you are not getting dates, the problem is you or something you are doing, not them.

I actually don't get rejected that much. Granted I don't ask out a lot of girls, but I'm pretty much at a 75% success rate.

 

I only ask out girls I feel that I have a good connection with. As for why I haven't been getting past date one, all I can say is that, that was the old me. Now that I've been in a relationship, I strongly feel that I will do much better on dates than I have in the past. So far I haven't been on any dates since my breakup.

 

Right now the hardest part is actually forming that connection with a girl that I'm interested in dating. That's the main reason why I made this thread. That is what annoys me the most and I'm sick of trying to do. I'm tired of going from girl to girl, trying to see if I mesh with anybody. And even then, it's hard for me to start conversations out of nowhere.

 

There are some pretty girls in my business class that I sit next to but I'm at a loss how to start talking to them.

 

It's easier to talk to girls in my dance class because she's right there in front of my face as I'm holding her. So far I feel that I've made the right connection with a girl in that class and I have a lot of fun with her, but she has a boyfriend. Granted I met my ex when she had a boyfriend, I really doubt that type of thing will happen again, and her not being single when we met, was most likely a huge reason why we broke up. So that's not really a situation I want to get mixed up in again.

 

And no, I'm not asking out girls who are out of my league. I'm pretty much interested in girls who are similarly attractive to my ex. Cute/pretty but not beautiful unless they really work on it.

 

 

 

This is why people here have been encouraging you for years to develop friendships and a social life outside of your quest for a girlfriend. It allows you to practice making small talk and and having conversations with people. If anything, when you know nothing about a person it makes conversations easier because you can ask about anything. (Where do they live, where are they from, the weather, did they catch the game last night, what do they think about x or y current event, have they been to x restaurant yet, etc.)

Some of those are really awkward conversation starters or just go nowhere. Turing to a girl sitting next to me and asking her where she lives or saying that it's a beautiful day, is just weird.

 

I really should try to analyze how I can regularly talk to some people, not others, and how the conversations form.

 

And yes, I have been trying to make friends off and on throughout the years. Trying to make friends seems almost as difficult as trying to get a girlfriend, and friends are far less rewarding.

[Robert]

Thread jack over, let's be considerate to the thread starter and post advice to his opening post, thanks

[pickflicker]

 

And yes, I have been trying to make friends off and on throughout the years. Trying to make friends seems almost as difficult as trying to get a girlfriend, and friends are far less rewarding.

 

I'm sad that you feel that way. My friendships are some of the most rewarding things in my life. They are priceless. You need good friends in this world, it makes the road so much easier.

[somedude81]

I'm sad that you feel that way. My friendships are some of the most rewarding things in my life. They are priceless. You need good friends in this world, it makes the road so much easier.

Maybe I've just never had good friends.

 

I've had guy friends and female friends and while it was nice to have, it didn't feel that special. Most likely it was because I wanted a girlfriend so much that having friends didn't seem that important.

 

What I haven't experienced is having friends at the same time I have a girlfriend.

 

If I was still with my ex, I was going to put in more into making friends.

 

Right being in a relationship is more fulfilling to me than having friends. A group of friends would be a nice supplement.

[MrRightNow]

"Friends are less rewarding?!" Romantic relationships hardly ever last. True friendships can last a lifetime, especially between men.

Edited February 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pickflicker]

Maybe I've just never had good friends.

 

I've had guy friends and female friends and while it was nice to have, it didn't feel that special. Most likely it was because I wanted a girlfriend so much that having friends didn't seem that important.

 

What I haven't experienced is having friends at the same time I have a girlfriend.

 

If I was still with my ex, I was going to put in more into making friends.

 

Right being in a relationship is more fulfilling to me than having friends. A group of friends would be a nice supplement.

 

I think you're doing it the wrong way. You'd be surprised how much easier the search for someone is when you have a supportive group of friends and an active social life.

 

You seem to have put most things on the backburner as "when I get a girlfriend, then I'll do everything else." Forgive me, but what if that never happens? The rest of your life stays on the backburner permanently?

[JDPT]

"Friends are less rewarding?!" Romantic relationships hardly ever last. True friendships can last a lifetime, especially between men.

 

Hence the term "bromance"

Edited February 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[somedude81]

Well, actually it does.

 

One of the things that attract women is a guy who has an idea of where his life is going. It's what many guys your age (and in their 20's in fact) have and those are the guys you are competing with. It might even be a reason why your last relationship ended. You've written some threads very recently in the meanwhile about your school situation that have me really concerned for you in that regard.

 

The good news is that once you graduate and get a job where you are making enough to support yourself, you can catch up quickly. Then you can focus on the women thing.

I do know where my life is going. It's just taking longer than it should to get there. There are factors beyond my control that are making things extremely difficult.

 

If I didn't have a math learning disorder, I would have received my Business degree in December, and possibly even as early as June of last year. I have one class required class to complete, which is calculus, and I need to make up my GPA from the math classes I failed. If I had passed calculus the first or second time I took it, I would be done with school and working on my career right now.

 

I do know that things will get easier once I graduate and start working. I'll also start using online dating and generally just have a whole lot more confidence.

 

Though I really want to be in a relationship and I can't wait until December. Any reasonable girl I meet on campus should have no issue with me graduating in December.

 

You don't have to wait until dec to start dating. You should always be social and charming and on the lookout for opportunities.

 

But you should also not make women your primary focus, and angst over having a girlfriend, right now. Can you see the difference?

 

Especially if chasing women is bringing you down right now, your primary focus is better off elsewhere. Relax, mingle without pressure, and chase when it's fun again, confident in the knowledge that it'll be easier when you are working.

I'm feeling down because it doesn't seem as easy as it should. I really miss being in a relationship and of course my ex. So here I am trying to find a girl who can replace her when I don't really want to replace her and I'm also finding that I'm much more selective now. I want a girl who is about as pretty or more than she was who is also fun to talk to, and it's been pretty hard to find that. I kind of feel that I got spoiled by being with her.

 

I need to figure out how to have conversations with more girls and see who I click with.

[somedude81]

"Friends are less rewarding?!" Romantic relationships hardly ever last. True friendships can last a lifetime, especially between men.

 

Hence the term "bromance"

I've never had a friendship with a guy last for more than 5 years.

 

I had friends in elementary, Jr. High, High School and college. Either me or they moved, or we just drifted apart as we got older and became different people.

 

In all honesty, I haven't made a guy friend since I was around 23. From then on all I've made were female friends, and those friendships never lasted. Overtime, friendships just started to lose value for me.

 

I got a lot more out of my short relationship than I have with hanging out buddies.

 

Even then, I can't make a bunch of friends tomorrow. It's something I'd need to work on, just like I'd have to work on getting a GF. Girls are just more of a priority.

Edited February 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator