How to broach subject with wife?

[DasPope]

I am in what I believe to be a unusual situation with my wife of 2 years and would like advice. I don't believe she has had any long term affairs or romantic infatuations and all my covert diggings lead me to believe she values our relationship and our marriage very highly but her behavior on occasions seems to be at odds with this.

 

We have been married for 2 years and together for 4 years and there is a large age difference between us. I am 48 and she is 28 and in nearly all aspects of our lives together we are very happy. Our sex life is good and frequent and we are normally are very open and honest with each other and frankly I thought I was the happiest I could be.

 

However it has recently come to my attention that during our relationship that she has had several (3 that I know about ... one that I strongly suspect) one night stands with other men (and one .. 2 day weekend stand) that she had met while I was away on business or otherwise engaged ( I travel frequently). The most recent of these was about 2 weeks ago and I learned of it by complete accident by overhearing a conversation between her and her best friend when they thought I wasn't home.

 

Since then I have checked her computer and phone records and found several references to the other previous incidents going back about 18 months. Before I married her several of my friends mentioned to me that she was flirtatious but she has always been very loving towards me when we are together and I'd never noticed her flirting with other men when I have been around but she certainly has a bubbly and gregarious personality and is very attractive. The pattern of her behavior seems to be restricted to times when I was away and she was out socializing with her friends (who are very much younger then me but with whom I get along fairly well).

 

I am of course very hurt by this and I find it difficult to understand how she could be having what appears to be occasional casual sex with other men while things between us have been so good. She is often telling me how lucky she feels to have me and how I make her so happy and has discussed starting a family.I have said nothing to her but she is well aware that something is wrong with me. She tells me to tell her about it when I am ready but I haven't the slightest idea how to tell her or even how to broach the subject. Any advice from people who have had similar issues ?

Edited February 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Eivuwan]

You seem oddly calm for a man who just found out that his wife is cheating. Why are you even worried about her feelings at this stage? What do you think most men in your situation would do?

[CarrieT]

Since then I have checked her computer and phone records and found several references to the other previous incidents going back about 18 months.

 

You asked how to broach the subject?

 

Gather the evidence and confront her. If you feel you need more evidence, then get a voice-activated recorder and hide it (often cars are where people go for private conversations).

 

If you confront her without evidence, she may "gaslight" you. Google it.

 

Ultimately, you have to decide if you want to continue your marriage with a known cheat and liar.

[DasPope]

You seem oddly calm for a man who just found out that his wife is cheating. Why are you even worried about her feelings at this stage? What do you think most men in your situation would do?

I'd say that I feel pretty far from calm but I'm a thinker and tend to internalize things until I'm ready to act. Obviously something must be said and done to expose the situation but I'm at a loss as to how to proceed with that. Every scenario that I run through my head see's me getting very nasty very quickly and everything I've read up about this tells me that is not the way to do it. As to her feelings If things are indeed as I suspect I have no idea as to her feelings about this excepting the casual fashion in which it was discussed with her friend. I'm 100% sure she has no idea I suspect anything.

[Trep]

Like Carrie said, gather evidence because if you do broach the subject with out any physical proof she'll turn the whole thing around on you and make you feel like the guilty one.

[lolablue17]

What exactly did you hear in her conversation with her girlfriend, that made you suspect her cheating?

 

Maybe its a misunderstanding?

[OpheliaSong]

Was infidelity discussed by you both as a deal breaker in your marriage? If so, hire a PI to get hard evidence to confront her and hire a divorce lawyer. Obviously if what you suspect is true, she is a serial cheat, so her behavior isn't going to change and you will always be looking over your shoulder. If you suspect three ONS, she may have had more. If cheating and telling lies is something you can't tolerate, figure out how to protect yourself financially and divorce her. She isn't respecting you or your marriage vows.

[peruano99]

What exactly did you hear in her conversation with her girlfriend, that made you suspect her cheating?

 

Maybe its a misunderstanding?

 

 

Maybe you missed this post?

 

 

Since then I have checked her computer and phone records and found several references to the other previous incidents going back about 18 months.

[DasPope]

What exactly did you hear in her conversation with her girlfriend, that made you suspect her cheating?

 

Maybe its a misunderstanding?

There could be no mistaking her telling her friend that she went back the guys place and had a great time and didn't get home until morning

There have been txt messages to the same friend referring to other incidents that must have occurred previously and plans made with her to go out together to pick up some guys because I was going to be in NY.

If there are platonic explanations I'd love to know what they might be.

[miguelcervantes]

You believe yourself to be in an unusual situation with your wife (your words). Really? It's not that unusual actually. She is cheating on you while you are away (which you tell me is quite often which is very convenient for her) and you are her meal ticket and support. So having sex with you is the unusual thing for her and maybe even (sorry for the brutality), the price she has to pay for her lifestyle.

 

This marriage is not a marriage but an expensive arrangement for you. Get your evidence and secure it somewhere she cannot get to. Then separate your finances, see an attorney and file for divorce as fast as you can.

 

Go, go, go ...

[DasPope]

Was infidelity discussed by you both as a deal breaker in your marriage? If so, hire a PI to get hard evidence to confront her and hire a divorce lawyer. Obviously if what you suspect is true, she is a serial cheat, so her behavior isn't going to change and you will always be looking over your shoulder. If you suspect three ONS, she may have had more. If cheating and telling lies is something you can't tolerate, figure out how to protect yourself financially and divorce her. She isn't respecting you or your marriage vows.

Well there was no discussion ever of anything like that but certainly it's implied, but its clear to me that she is aware of an expectation of traditional sexually monogamous marriage . Apart from this nothing gives me the slightest indication that anything whatsoever is wrong with our relationship in fact I'd thought of us still being in the "new" phase. There are no financial considerations as we have a pre- marital agreement in place as there is a large disparity between our incomes and assets and I have college age children from my first marriage to consider. ( my first wife passed away 9 years ago )

[oldshirt]

Since you are a thinker, think about how a big ol' silverback gorilla in the jungle would broach the subject if he caught his mate slipping into the bushes with an interloper?

 

...... then do that.

 

Well there was no discussion ever of anything like that but certainly it's implied, but its clear to me that she is aware of an expectation of traditional sexually monogamous marriage . Apart from this nothing gives me the slightest indication that anything whatsoever is wrong with our relationship in fact I'd thought of us still being in the "new" phase. There are no financial considerations as we have a pre- marital agreement in place as there is a large disparity between our incomes and assets and I have college age children from my first marriage to consider. ( my first wife passed away 9 years ago )

 

From her perspective, there isn't anything wrong with your relationship. She is getting a big house, cars, money, social status, security, shopping trips, shoes etc from you, and getting fun and excitement and sex etc from her dudes.

 

She parties and plays, and you pay for it and you support her lifestyle.

 

This arraingement clearly benefits her. The choice you need to make is whether to continue to provide for her while she boinks other guys as long as you get some too vs cutting her off and sending her packing.

 

You can try to cut off her outside sexual activities but the chances are she married you for your money and the comfort and security you provide and not because she was sexually attracted to you. She gets her fun and excitement from these other guys so when you try to cut that off, she may react like a teenager when Daddy takes the car keys away and will become bitter and resentful that an old man is cutting her off from her partying.

Edited February 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[BHsigh]

From her perspective, there isn't anything wrong with your relationship. She is getting a big house, cars, money, social status, security, shopping trips, shoes etc from you, and getting fun and excitement and sex etc from her dudes.

 

She parties and plays, and you pay for it and you support her lifestyle.

 

This arraingement clearly benefits her. The choice you need to make is whether to continue to provide for her while she boinks other guys as long as you get some too vs cutting her off and sending her packing.

 

You can try to cut off her outside sexual activities but the chances are she married you for your money and the comfort and security you provide and not because she was sexually attracted to you. She gets her fun and excitement from these other guys so when you try to cut that off, she may react like a teenager when Daddy takes the car keys away and will become bitter and resentful that an old man is cutting her off from her partying.

 

That is one of the major possible downsides to dating or marrying someone that much younger than you.

 

But, you know how to broach the subject, we all do. What you need to do is collect all of the evidence that you possibly can, even if you have to wait a few more weeks.

 

Then you make an appointment with a lawyer, file for divorce, go back home and pack all of her bags while she is out with her "friends". When she gets home, show her the bags, hand her the evidence and the divorce papers and tell her to GTFO and then never look back.

 

I feel that with only a 2 year marriage, no kids, and your age difference, this is the proper course of action. If you feel differently and really want to save your marriage, then still do all of the above except for the never look back part.

 

You can cancel divorce proceedings if she proves to you that she deserves another chance, but she would definitely have to give up all of her enabling friends, for good.

[Buckeye2]

From her perspective, there isn't anything wrong with your relationship. She is getting a big house, cars, money, social status, security, shopping trips, shoes etc from you, and getting fun and excitement and sex etc from her dudes.

 

She parties and plays, and you pay for it and you support her lifestyle.

 

This arraingement clearly benefits her. The choice you need to make is whether to continue to provide for her while she boinks other guys as long as you get some too vs cutting her off and sending her packing.

 

You can try to cut off her outside sexual activities but the chances are she married you for your money and the comfort and security you provide and not because she was sexually attracted to you. She gets her fun and excitement from these other guys so when you try to cut that off, she may react like a teenager when Daddy takes the car keys away and will become bitter and resentful that an old man is cutting her off from her partying.

 

The above is perfect.

 

You seem to be reluctant to rock the boat because you are otherwise quite happy. You are having good sex with a young woman on a regular basis.

 

Even though you have what you consider to be a smoking gun, still collect more evidence. She will tell you that you didn’t hear what you did.

 

Your wife seems to be a free spirit and will probably continue to cheat no matter what happens.

 

Since you already have a family, grown kids and a prenuptial agreement, I would consider the following:

 

Secretly get a vasectomy and don’t tell her. If it makes feel better, make a donation to a sperm bank before you do.

 

Think of her as your mistress. Her thinking that the gravy train will end if you find out limits her cheating because she has to sneak around. If you confront her and forgive her, she will know that it’s not a deal breaker. She’ll cheat even more. Only confront her if you are willing to divorce her.

[Running Man]

Your her sugar daddy that's providing the comfortable lifestyle for her to be among her peers to have sex and party around with. Your being used. A 20 year gap between you two is way to much. If she is doing this now what do you think is going to happen when your 60 and she's 40? Dont get this women pregnant. She will divorce you down the road and pimp you out for child support payments.

 

Tom Leykis: A Woman Being Honest (Do Not Get Married, Ever!): Mirrored Video. - YouTube

[Buckeye2]

Your her sugar daddy that's providing the comfortable lifestyle for her to be among her peers to have sex and party around with. Your being used. A 20 year gap between you two is way to much. If she is doing this now what do you think is going to happen when your 60 and she's 40? Dont get this women pregnant. She will divorce you down the road and pimp you out for child support payments.

 

Yes. She might want to have a kid with you because she knows that it will mean a payday for 18 years. I heard that an NBA player caught a woman trying to retrieve their condom from the trash for the same reason.

[Buckeye2]

Get a vasectomy!!! And DON'T TELL HER???

 

Cool, become a lying lover just like her, and the two of you can cancel out each others games of deception!

 

Secretly get a vasectomy and don’t tell her. If it makes feel better, make a donation to a sperm bank before you do.

 

He can still have a baby with her if the conditions are right.

[Bryanp]

You do understand that your wife is putting you at risk for STD's. What kind of wife does this after 2 years of marriage? I am sorry my friend but you married a serial cheater. Since you travel a great deal the chances are pretty strong that she may have brought her sex partners to your home.

 

In any case, it is abundantly clearly that she shows utter distain for you, your relationship and your marriage. She is bragging to her friends how she is in fact treating you as a fool and again putting your health at risk for STD's. I am guessing that there have been times when you came home from a trip and had sex with her after she was with one of her ONS's the night before. Her actions again clearly show that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will. I would suggest:

 

1. Get tested for STD's immediately.

2. See an attorney to understand your options

You married a serial cheater and you have been married only 2 years. What more is there to say?

 

If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be wondering how to confront you after finding out you are a serial cheater.....I doubt it.

[Chi townD]

Sorry, dude. You need to drop her. You said that you don't understand on how she can cheat on you and still be very loving to you. Well, she doesn't want you looking into things because she has the best of both worlds. She has sex with other dudes and she can come home to safety and security of you (you're safety guy!). The added bonus is that you travel, and that gives her more opportunity to play around. Your situation is every cheaters wet dream situation.

 

Time to bust her and send her on her way.

 

Sorry your here.

[aliveagain]

You will not like what I have to tell you but you need to hear this. You are her security, her lifestyle and she will want to keep that. She is shopping for the man she wants as the father of her children. This is exactly what happened to me. Her friends know what she is doing while your away, many are with her when she goes to the clubs. You are married to a serial cheater and unless you act quickly you will be raising another mans child. Talk to a lawyer, protect your banking, limit the money she has access to. If you have a post nuptial good for you. Listen to your lawyer.

 

If you need more proof, tell her you will be out of town next week, have a PI on standby, get a room somewhere and wait for her to do her thing.

 

You probably have all the info you need. The way I would suggest proceeding is tell her that in order to comfirm that your post nup still stands, she(you, if that is how you set it up) will be required to take a polygraph test as there is no other way to gauge its validity. Ask her if there is anything she wants to discuss before you book the appointment.

 

Like me, you are the last to know, her friends are facilitators and not friends of your marriage.

[Iguanna]

I'm sorry to ask but were you expecting that a woman 20 years younger than you, in her most sexually active age, would stay loyal to one person? I would find it odd if she did, except if she was really insecure about herself or something.

[bubbaganoosh]

Look friend. Your over analyzing this and I think your confusing yourself.

 

Here's the facts. She's cheating. She cheating on your dime and your try to come up with reasons why.

 

The reasons are that she's selfish, and uncaring. She's not thinking of you as a person but no doubt your wallet. Your not only in a battle with her over her cheating but she's also getting help with her friends who when they come to visit you, extend a glad hand to see you and help her cover her tracks. That's a battle you can't win all by yourself by trying to figure out the "whys and what fore's."

 

Look, you over heard the conversation she had with her friends along with the findings on the computer and phone records. That's enough information to confront her with and the longer you let this go on, the worse it will get.

 

It's one thing to lose your marriage and in this case the best thing you can do, but what she and her friends are doing is stripping you of all your pride and dignity. That's completely unacceptable and you need to put a halt to this yesterday.

 

If it was me, I would consult a lawyer, file and have her served when she's with all her worthless friends. Then throw her out because she doesn't deserve to be in the same house with you.

 

No doubt she'll give you a huge sob story. When that happens, turn a deaf ear to it because she is just blowing smoke to get back into your good graces. Don't fall for it because sure as God made little green apples, she'll do it again. Your choice friend.

[Fearful]

Your wife have been cheating on u long before your marriage. She is still cheating on U and will continue cheating on you. She sees you as her ATM and have no respect for you. Man-up and contfront her any way possible.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Since then I have checked her computer and phone records and found several references to the other previous incidents going back about 18 months. Before I married her several of my friends mentioned to me that she was flirtatious but she has always been very loving towards me when we are together and I'd never noticed her flirting with other men when I have been around but she certainly has a bubbly and gregarious personality and is very attractive. The pattern of her behavior seems to be restricted to times when I was away and she was out socializing with her friends (who are very much younger then me but with whom I get along fairly well).

 

I am of course very hurt by this and I find it difficult to understand how she could be having what appears to be occasional casual sex with other men while things between us have been so good. She is often telling me how lucky she feels to have me and how I make her so happy and has discussed starting a family.I have said nothing to her but she is well aware that something is wrong with me. She tells me to tell her about it when I am ready but I haven't the slightest idea how to tell her or even how to broach the subject. Any advice from people who have had similar issues ?

 

What others have posted plus: she likes the validation she receives from these men. Her flirtatious personality screams "I need external validation from men"

 

My wife cheated on me while I traveled. Here's my advice: Take some time off from work but tell you wife that you are going out of town. Stay in town (cheap hotel), rent a car (or borrow one), and do some investigating.

 

Or come home a day or two early from a trip.

Edited February 11, 2014 by Betrayed&Stayed

[Buckeye2]

I'm sorry to ask but were you expecting that a woman 20 years younger than you, in her most sexually active age, would stay loyal to one person? I would find it odd if she did, except if she was really insecure about herself or something.

 

Iguanna is correct. You need to divorce her or look the other way. How will you prevent her from cheating when you are out of town? You will make yourself miserable trying.

 

Here's my advice: Take some time off from work but tell you wife that you are going out of town. Stay in town (cheap hotel), rent a car (or borrow one), and do some investigating. Or come home a day or two early from a trip.

 

You can easily catch her, but then what? If you take her back she will tell her friends that the old coot couldn’t live without her and cheat more. What are you going to do? Hire a PI to keep tabs on her when you’re out of town. What are you going to do if the PI catches her? Divorce her then or keep her and put her on double secret probation?

 

If you keep her at least be honest with yourself. You will have a young mistress that you pay for who has her own social life. Would you rather she know that you know or not?

 

If you confront her start using condoms and flush them. If she gets knocked up test the DNA. Since you seem to be rich, there is a DNA test you can use when the baby is still inside. You just need the mother's blood and yours. The baby is not put at risk. It costs about $2000.

Edited February 11, 2014 by Buckeye2