Very complicated -

[Pablo Augustus]

I have just enforced a break, which includes NC, with my girlfriend of three months. I miss her and i really want to talk to her.

 

This is a complicated one, so if you have the patience, please read I'll make it as easy as I can to follow:

 

OK so one of my very good friends (Ben) was going out with the girl (Chloe) in question. They went out for two years. I was never really good friends with her, though she always used to flirt with me over facebook chat (it was unclear to me at the time whether this was friendly or flirtatious). Their relationship ended messily after he cheated on her. They got back together for various periods of time and hung out on a casual basis. My friend wanted her back, but she wasnt interested.

 

My relationship with her started soon after she moved into our shared house. I had found out through Ben that she needed a place to live. I said that we had a room going and that she should move in. She did. She had been there a month when we first slept together and begun a romantic 'fling' i guess it should be called. At the time, we felt like we were falling in love. We discussed this openly, I told her that i wanted to make it official (this would involve disclosing to my friend that I had slept with his ex, who he was still in love with). She was non-comital at this stage. She had two main reasons: 1) she didn't want to hurt her ex boyfriend, ben ;2) she had a crush on another friend of ours. throughout this time we kept on sleeping together casually and spending the majority of our spare time together. At one point i had asked my friend (ben) how he would feel if i was attracted to Chloe. he replied with the comment that he would stab me if he found out we got together.

 

I must add that through this time ben and chloe had a very dysfunctional friendship whereby ben relied on chloe for emotional support, as he was finding the post breakup very tough. Ben had a history of threatening self harm, and other emotional abuse, which he used to control chloe. She still cared for him and didn't want to hurt him. I felt imeasurable guilty for hiding chloe and my relationship from him and the rest of our friends.

 

Over time i began to crack. I cared about chloe too much to cut her off, i felt so guilty that i told a number of friends that we were sleeping together, I wanted advise on what to do. I made them promise not to tell anyone. I told Chloe that i had told them, she scolded me for this and ended our fling, terrified that Ben would find out. She also told me that she had a crush on one of our other friends and told me that we would never be together rat this point. I was happy to move on at this point.

 

Then after a week or so of her not speaking to me, she came and told me that she was pregnant. We slept together for the next week or so, and made plans for her to get an abortion. She would say that her hormones made her attracted to me, but i was happy to have her back because i had a deep attraction for her. It must be noted that I had been supporting her through medical complications, and had supported her out of a crack habit, and had talked her out of getting a job as a prostitute. I cared for her a lot at this point. and we had been through a lot together. Our relationship had been stressed by the secret nature of it, and by the fact that she was attracted to one of my other friends (he was not keen on her, but led her on in a way).

 

After the abortion we started spending a lot of time together. She moved out of the shared house and home to her parents house. We made our relationship official (three months ago, at this point, though we had been sleeping together for about 5 months before this), and decided to break the news to Ben. At this point, through me breaking the secret to my friends out of guilt, a lot of people in our wider circle of friends knew. When I told him he went ape ****, he cried when i told him but his reaction to her was far worse. he verbally abused her and would bombard her with texts, emails, and phone calls. This ended after awhile and Chloe and i continued happily in our relationship. We spent a lot of quality time together.

 

We decided to spend a holiday together. We went travelling for 2 weeks. We had a few arguments that were resolved in a few hours. I thourght this was positive as we were beginning to discuss how our relationship would function happily. She and I both have a tendency to be very friendly, but can appear as flirtatious. My relationship have failed in the past as i have been unfaithful, but i feel very strongly that i dont want to do the same in this one.

 

Recently I went to a weekend-long music festival with some friends without Chloe, ben was gcoming along in the same group of friends as I. We had seen eachother previously and had not spoken. And just a few days beforehand, Ben and Chloe had met up to exchange some things and talk, at that metting Chloe had promised Ben that her and I had only begun sleeping together three months beforehand. She had promised him this.

 

At the festival we took some acid, Ben took it with us. I was still feeling overwhelming guilt as I had betrayed my friend. I had a terrible trip and felt I had to get it off my chest. the next day we took mdma, I took Ben aside and told him i was sorry for betraying him as a friend. We spoke for a long time, and at one point I admitted to him that at the time when I had asked him if he would mind if i was attracted to bron, that we were already sleeping together. I told him everything. He was upset, but i felt good for telling him the truth, I thourght he should know, so that Chloe and I didnt have to live a lie any longer (nor the numerous people who knew of the fling). I was seeking redemption by telling Ben the truth, but in doing that I had betrayed Chloe by not consulting her.

 

Upon arriving home, the first thing I did was call Chloe to tell her that I had spilled the beans. She was furious. She dumped me over the phone right then and there. I was devastated, though I knew it was coming. Though that night, we communicated and she said she loved me and wanted to see me. I went to her house the next day. As she was very angry at me we didnt have a good time together. We argued over a few things. I told her I couldnt trust her as I had seen how easily she had lied to Ben, I had wanted to tell him from the start but I never had her permission. Other things came out as well to do with her flirting with other guys. I mean she used to flirt with me when she was with Ben!

 

So at this point i have told her that I need some space to think. It's the start of a No Contact. She dumped me (she framed it as if I was on a trial period) but i initiated the No Contact as all our interactions have been turning sour. I want her back so I dont want to appear upset (cause i am). I have initiated No Contact, but I want to contact her and tell her how sorry I am for telling Ben, and how much I love her. I have a feeling that this will drive her away though.

 

I am thinking of waiting for a week of No Contact, and from there seeing her for a fun date, and taking it casual (no relationship talk) if we hit it off i'll commit to it, but if not I think I'll have to walk away for my own good.

 

Any ideas? what is everyones thourghts on this complicated soap opera esque situation? is it wrong what Ive done? Can she be trusted as a girlfriend? ( Take into account that she has radically improved her lifestyle while being with me; no more crack, not becoming a prostitute) though she is still very flirty with people ( she says she is just being friendly).

 

HELP!

[Philosoraptor]

So where was the maturity in all of this? Sounds like three people in a constant mess. Between the drug usage, sneaking around, and desire to be a prostitute it's no wonder how none of you had a decent thought process through this.

 

Looking for advice? Stay away from these people, get yourself cleaned up, and move on with your life. Thank your lucky stars you didn't end up with this woman. She's a mess, your a mess; work on yourself and stay single until you've gotten your own life figured out. Then once you're straightened out you should only invite mentally healthy people into your world.

[Pablo Augustus]

I see you point philosoraptor. But to be fair it has been a huge struggle for us to get her off crack. She was thinking of becoming a prostitute when she was in the midst of a crack addiction. i think that she needed help and I did help her. I have been a recreational drug user since i was in high school. I was at a music festival when this event occured.

 

But your advice is definitely applicable. Its just that it seemed to me that her and I were turning over a new page in life. We are still young (mid twenties) we had matured.

[Philosoraptor]

Take charge of your own life, not hers. Good for you for moving past this page, but you can't take the lead for her.

 

She has made her choice and you need to stick to yours. You're moving out of a rough place in life... don't jeopardize it by putting your focus on her.