Does the [betrayed spouse] want to know the truth.

[daretotrustlove]

Long story, short.

Its been almost 6 wks of NC. What he did was cruel and horrible. He cae back into my life after being gone for a year. Made empty promises of wanting to be together. Said he was leaving W, 9 months later he says he is going home to tell her. He stays. He minimized us so bad. I'm so hurt and yes angry. Don't think he is coming back, nor would I take him back. He was the love of my life.

 

Does the W want to know the truth. When D day hit, she did tell him she had known all along. Why don't they want to find out. I have been thinking of telling her everything. At least I know he would never come back.

 

I know this doesn't explain everything. I had been trying to find some post on "Telling the BS the truth"

[waterwoman]

I assume you mean BS not WS? Because the WS is the only one who knows 'the' truth. His wife knows one version (I would hazard a guess that that particular 'truth' means she meant nothing to me, I was crazy etc etc. You know another version. He's the only one who knows both.

 

Does she want to know yours? Maybe. Probably as much as you want to know hers

[HermioneG]

As a betrayed, yes. I wanted to know, so I do not think it is fair to say that "they" do not want to know.

 

I am sorry you are in so much pain.

 

If you believe he did not tell her the truth, and you have evidence that youc. An provide her with that clarifies that, then I would provide that.

 

However- you have no way of knowing the reality of what he actually said to her, or what she said in response.

 

He is a known liar. There is no reason to think he hasn't lied to you about his interactions with his wife.

[Sub]

However- you have no way of knowing the reality of what he actually said to her, or what she said in response.

 

He is a known liar. There is no reason to think he hasn't lied to you about his interactions with his wife.

 

This. It's a common theme. You may think his being the love of your life translates to exclusive rights to honesty and his "true" feelings. But realize that he was the love of her life, too.

[Owl]

Usually, yes, the BS wants to know the truth.

 

Do you intend to give them the truth in your situation?

[whatatangledweb]

There was a d-day right? So she knows the truth. If she wanted your side she would try to contact you.

 

When she said she had known all along, most likely she means all the little red flags she saw now made sense.

[Owl]

There was a d-day right? So she knows the truth. If she wanted your side she would try to contact you.

 

Trust me, as a BS, that d-day does not mean that the truth was revealed.

 

It MIGHT have been...it SHOULD have been...but there's no garauntee that it was.

 

When she said she had known all along, most likely she means all the little red flags she saw now made sense.

 

Exactly.

[Lady2163]

While I am an OW, I was married once.

 

I had suspicions he was cheating. I didn't want to know. We had separated and got back together twice. Both times I didn't want to get back together. When I thought he might be cheating, I already had an exit plan, but it was five years down the road. I needed that five years to have a springboard into a better life. Finding out that he was cheating would have pretty much compelled me to act AND would have damaged my self esteem, which did not need another hit.

 

I am in agreement with other posts here that say not to contact her.

 

But I also think if she does contact you, your role should be to apologize over and over again and be sincere. If any former BS contacted me and wanted gory details I would probably have to say something like, "Mrs. Doe, what I did was wrong and while he is your husband, my sex life is still private and personal to me, so I'm not going to answer that."

 

I could be off base, but I figure if a BS were to contact me, it would be a lot of, "was he with you at this time?" "did you go here with him" "were you the one he was talking to here?" "have you ever been in my house?"

 

I've never had a full blown, spend every minute, boyfriend girlfriend affair before. This may disgust some people, but I'm not sure how many of those questions I be willing to answer even if she does want to know. Once again, I think my focus would be on apologizing, not provide intricate detail confirmation.

 

Years ago, I was involved in swingers activities. I have my own suspicions that some of the men I had private sex with may not have had "permission" to play. If their wives contacted me, I don't know how much help I could provide. I mean, it's been 10 years. I'm not even sure they gave me the right name.

[rumbleseat]

Try putting yourself in her position. Would you want to know?

 

If I were you, i would stop assuming that she knew all along. i would stop assuming taht he is telling ehr the truth. I would start assuming that he was lying to both of you.

 

In a way, it's better he lied than told her the truth, as if she knew he had cheated with you, but was able to hide the fact that he was still cheating with you even after he says he told her the affair was over, then what does that say about his ability to lie and be deceitful.

 

If he was able to pull one over on her while she was likely being hypervigilant, then what on earth makes you think he was being honest with you or that you would even know if he was or wasn't?

[ladydesigner]

I desperately wanted to know the truth. Unfortunately on Dday my WH and MOW gaslit me and they took their A underground. I ended up finding the truth on my own. When I confronted the MOW with the truth she told me I basically deserved it.

[daretotrustlove]

As a betrayed, yes. I wanted to know, so I do not think it is fair to say that "they" do not want to know.

 

I am sorry you are in so much pain.

 

If you believe he did not tell her the truth, and you have evidence that youc. An provide her with that clarifies that, then I would provide that.

 

However- you have no way of knowing the reality of what he actually said to her, or what she said in response.

 

He is a known liar. There is no reason to think he hasn't lied to you about his interactions with his wife.

 

We talked shortly a few days after D-day. I asked him if he told her he loved me, as he had said 50 times a day during the A. He told her that we had only talked about being in love. I asked him what she had said to him, he said that she said " he made a mistake". Yes, he lied to her, yes he lied to me too.

[HermioneG]

We talked shortly a few days after D-day. I asked him if he told her he loved me, as he had said 50 times a day during the A. He told her that we had only talked about being in love. I asked him what she had said to him, he said that she said " he made a mistake". Yes, he lied to her, yes he lied to me too.

 

Gently- unless you spoke to her, you do not know any of the above to be true.

 

Liars lie.

[Lady2163]

Gently- unless you spoke to her, you do not know any of the above to be true.

 

Liars lie.

 

What she said.

 

I am always aware and hyper vigilant whenever anyone says, "I will always be honest with you." OR "I am the most loyal person you will ever meet."

 

And then I watch to see how often they stress those characteristics or challenge my loyalty, honesty, honor, integrity, etc.

 

Often when my virtues are challenged it is because their own are tarnished.

 

This applies to many men, not just the married ones cheating.

 

Real men don't have to stress the virtues expectations verbally, they show them in their actions.

[rosedl]

I don't think it matters if a betrayed spouse wants to know or not know.

 

I think they need to know (not up to the affair partner to tell them, up to the spouse).

 

Regardless of the state of a marriage, each partner deserves the truth and to be able to make decisions on the reality of how things actually are in the relationship rather then on lies.

 

I would want to know. I wouldn't want specific details because it would only increase the pain and it would be unnecessary information. Just knowing that my partner was betraying me and violating our trust and relationship with lies and infidelity would give me enough information to start making my decisions around the relationship.

 

I cheated on my husband when in my twenties (I am now 42) and I am sorry I ever did it. I should have just left him. I was untreated bipolar and out of my mind and totally incapable of having any type of healthy relationship, but regardless, it caused him a ton of hurt. He tried to kill himself when I left. I immediately came clean when he found out and ended our marriage. I never really loved him, we got married really quick, and the relationship only lasted two years. I have not married since and it is only in the past two or three years that I truly feel ready and stable enough for a mutual partnership where I can totally commit.

[underwater2010]

Yes!!!!!!!!

[goodyblue]

His ex didn't want to know anything. Even six months (or more) after he'd left the marriage, she just assumed he would get over his midlife crisis and go back to her.

 

He never even attempted a reconciliation. She never asked a single question. She just called him a lot of names. And me too, of course. Which I suppose I understand considering that the rug had been pulled out from under her.

 

But she didn't want to know anything at all.

[sweet_pea]

I think most BS' want to know.

[Anne Boleyn]

My ex husband didn't want to know details. My husbands ex wife wanted to know every detail. Every, little detail, to a level that was creepy.

[SugarHibiscus]

When I was the BS, I didn't want ANY of the details. What was the point? Twist the knife?

[PoshPrincess]

 

I think they need to know (not up to the affair partner to tell them, up to the spouse).

 

I agree. I was a OW some years ago and would never had told the BS. That was the MMs job. Of course he played our relationship down to her like they almost always do. 7 years down the line and they are still together and she is still pretty much oblivious to the truth as far as I know. Some people prefer it that way. If it was me, however, I would want to know and would hope that SOMEONE would tell me. Whatever you do don't be the one to give her that information. She probably won't thank you for it and, whatever you tell yourself, you won't be doing it for her sake. I really feel your pain but it DOES get easier - eventually.

[sweet_pea]

I agree. I was a OW some years ago and would never had told the BS. That was the MMs job. Of course he played our relationship down to her like they almost always do. 7 years down the line and they are still together and she is still pretty much oblivious to the truth as far as I know. Some people prefer it that way. If it was me, however, I would want to know and would hope that SOMEONE would tell me. Whatever you do don't be the one to give her that information. She probably won't thank you for it and, whatever you tell yourself, you won't be doing it for her sake. I really feel your pain but it DOES get easier - eventually.

 

Doesn't preferring/choosing to remain oblivious require actually having the full truth? If she doesn't know the entire extent of the affair, how is the BS preferring to live obliviously?

[Anne Boleyn]

Doesn't preferring/choosing to remain oblivious require actually having the full truth? If she doesn't know the entire extent of the affair, how is the BS preferring to live obliviously?

 

No, one can choose to not know something without having the full knowledge of the truth.

 

For example, recently we had a person who was a friend of ours take his own life. When the opportunity came up to know the details, we passed, not wanting to know. Knowing the basics and the result was enough for me, I didn't know I didn't want the details. In the end, the details didn't matter anyway... It didn't change the action or the result, and if anything, it'd have made it harder to process.

 

In an affair, one can know that their spouse had one, what the results were on the marriage, and have that be enough and make that determination that they don't want to know more, focusing only on the action and the result.

[sweet_pea]

No, one can choose to not know something without having the full knowledge of the truth.

 

For example, recently we had a person who was a friend of ours take his own life. When the opportunity came up to know the details, we passed, not wanting to know. Knowing the basics and the result was enough for me, I didn't know I didn't want the details. In the end, the details didn't matter anyway... It didn't change the action or the result, and if anything, it'd have made it harder to process.

 

In an affair, one can know that their spouse had one, what the results were on the marriage, and have that be enough and make that determination that they don't want to know more, focusing only on the action and the result.

 

ETA: I don't think you can prefer/choose to be oblivious (or stick your head in the sand, etc.) to something you don't have the option of getting the full truth of.

 

You had the option of finding out more about your friend's passing, but you chose not to.

 

BS in her case does not have the option to find out the full truth of the affair because her WS is minimizing and the AP refuses to tell her the truth. Therefore she's not choosing to be oblivious, she's just doing what she can with the info she has. That's the point I was trying to get across.

Edited February 13, 2014 by sweet_pea

[daretotrustlove]

If she wanted to know the "Truth". She can find it. I will leave it at that. Its not my choice to decide for her. Its up to her.

 

If she wants the "Truth" I would give her the truth.

[cocorico]

I think the BS that frequent these boards, and other such, are more likely to be in the subset of BS who would want to know "the truth". Their presence here suggests that they're wanting to understand.

 

BS who prefer denial are much less likely to frequent boards like these. They prefer to ignore the evidence, overlook what happened or find alternate explanations, however bizarre, because they are so deeply invested in their particular worldview that they cannot countenance any challenge to it.

 

My H's xW chose not to believe him when he told her about the A, that he loved me and was leaving. She chose to dismiss the possibility that he loved another, that he was loved by another, and that he would leave her, because she desperately needed to believe that he was unattractive to other women, lucky to have her, and was the more invested party in the M (giving her the greater power in the M). She could not afford to believe otherwise. Even when he and the kids had left, she was still convinced they would come crawling back.