Does the [betrayed spouse] want to know the truth.

[HermioneG]

Suffice it to say I wouldn't need someone to tell me.

 

You know what is bizarre?

 

When you are in an intimate relationship with someone, there's a truth bias. There's been research done, and there's links all over for it, though one of the best studies comes from Michigan State.

 

When someone you love lies to you, there's a psychological override that basically damps down your bullcrap detector.

 

Isn't that crazy? Being in love with someone, and being deeply familiar with them- even for periods of decades- makes it harder to recognize a lie, not easier.

 

So even if you believe or feel something is wrong, you are inclined to accept a lie, for much longer than you would with a person you do not have such a longstanding relationship with...

 

So, yes, a lot of us are eventually able to get to a point where it is overwhelming and we are able to clear our heads and understand what's happening.

 

But it isn't a matter of intelligence ( I'm quite smart and very well educated).

 

It isn't a matter of being invested in the relationship- in fact, the more invested you are, the easier it is for a liar to lie to you.

 

Food for thought.

[daretotrustlove]

So let me ask this: How does an AP gauge whether the BS does not want the truth? I see it said many times about how the BS is sticking their head in the sand, or they don't want to know, yada yada and I always wonder what makes the AP come to that conclusion? How does an AP know, aside from if the BS says to it person to person that they would not like to know 'the truth,' how do one know that a BS prefers not to know the truth? Is it just a guess/assumption? Based on what the MM says?

 

 

She knows who I am, and pretty much where I'm at. If she wanted the truth, she knows how to get a hold of me. Its her choice..

[sweet_pea]

She knows who I am, and pretty much where I'm at. If she wanted the truth, she knows how to get a hold of me. Its her choice..

 

So because she hasn't come to you, she doesn't want the truth? That's interesting…

[daretotrustlove]

I really don't know. I know that when I was the BS, I wanted the truth and went out to find out what it was. Everyone is different. Maybe if she knew the truth, she would then have to face it. Some people don't want to face it. I just don't know.

[sweet_pea]

I think you forget that she has the 'truth' that her husband gave her and is facing that, therefore she probably doesn't need to go to you to get what you feel is the truth.

[yellowmaverick]

You know what is bizarre?

 

When you are in an intimate relationship with someone, there's a truth bias. There's been research done, and there's links all over for it, though one of the best studies comes from Michigan State.

 

When someone you love lies to you, there's a psychological override that basically damps down your bullcrap detector.

 

Isn't that crazy? Being in love with someone, and being deeply familiar with them- even for periods of decades- makes it harder to recognize a lie, not easier.

 

So even if you believe or feel something is wrong, you are inclined to accept a lie, for much longer than you would with a person you do not have such a longstanding relationship with...

 

So, yes, a lot of us are eventually able to get to a point where it is overwhelming and we are able to clear our heads and understand what's happening.

 

But it isn't a matter of intelligence ( I'm quite smart and very well educated).

 

It isn't a matter of being invested in the relationship- in fact, the more invested you are, the easier it is for a liar to lie to you.

 

Food for thought.

 

Well said. Also, people who are honest, decent people themselves tend to believe that others are as well. You see in other people the traits you have yourself.

[rumbleseat]

I suppose it must make you feel better to think that the MM always lies to the OW. But it's not always the case. In fact, in MY case, he was perfectly honest with me about everything. EV-ER-Y-THING. Just because he lied to the BS, doesn't mean he lied to the OW. Sorry. In fact, my guy never lied to his ex either. He just moved on and didn't tell her. She didn't notice because they had no life together.

 

OUR BS didn't want to know jack. Still doesn't. And I am glad because I'm not telling her squat. And neither is my guy. She is a nonentity in our lives, except for the random rambling text when she gets nice and sauced up. She'll be bitter and angry forever because she won't move on. I feel sorry for her in that regard.

 

You know as much about their marriage as someone watching a tv show knows about the real lives of the actors involved. You know the positive bits and pieces that have been planted piecemeal into your mind, and, of course, the gossipy bits too, but is gossip ever really true?

 

I know you need to Believe that you know everything, but it would seem to me that as long as you continue to hide behind that, your relationship will never be an honest one.

The ow and om that I have seen who have successfully transitioned into a full time relationship are the ones who recognize that their ap is a human being, subject to the same follies as everyone else, and one of them is that human brings lie to cover their @sses. Your former om has shown you he uses lying as a coping mechanism in a relationship, and unless he has had some intense therapy or counselling, that is an established pattern. It's a fools errand to think that can suddenly change.

 

When it comes to answering the op's question, unless you are a bs, I don't know how you would know what one wants. Maybe you are satisfied with the illusion of honesty, but most people aren't . They want real honesty.

[rumbleseat]

I really don't know. I know that when I was the BS, I wanted the truth and went out to find out what it was. Everyone is different. Maybe if she knew the truth, she would then have to face it. Some people don't want to face it. I just don't know.

 

Maybe she just isn't in a place where she feels emotionally ready to contact you. Maybe she loves him and believes all his stories. Maybe the idea that someone could lie about something that big to her is foreign to her.

 

There is comfort in believing the best about someone. Everyone has been there at some point in their life.

[rumbleseat]

So let me ask this: How does an AP gauge whether the BS does not want the truth? I see it said many times about how the BS is sticking their head in the sand, or they don't want to know, yada yada and I always wonder what makes the AP come to that conclusion? How does an AP know, aside from if the BS says to it person to person that they would not like to know 'the truth,' how do one know that a BS prefers not to know the truth? Is it just a guess/assumption? Based on what the MM says?

 

This is an interesting thought, as unless they actually call up the bs in person, they are hearing it from the ws. I checked a whole lot of threads, as was unable to find one bs who said they would rather have been kept in the dark. So on one hand, there are a whole lot of om/ow thinking the bs doesn't want to know, and a whole lot of bs saying they wanted to know. How can these two views be reconciled?

 

The only thing I can see is that either the ow/om are making a lot of false assumptions, or they are being told this by someone, likely their ap.

 

I don't think that most om/ow have their heads so high in the clouds that they can't put themselves in the bs's position to know what they would want. They would want the truth.

 

So it seems that they are likely being fed the " my bs doesn't want to know" line by their ap ( or are being told that the bs knows but is choosing to ignore it...again, ask bs's if that is what happened. Most will tell you it is a big lie.)

 

If this is the case, then that is proof positive of one honkin' big lie they were told from their "honest" ap.

[Anne Boleyn]

Maybe it was creepy to you but for her it was the need to leave no stone unturned.

 

No, there's wanting to know information about the affair, then there's wanting to know information that makes it creepy. She didn't so much want to know details about the affair she just wanted to know the things that were not appropriate, which we didn't tell her.

 

A level of understanding what happened is understandable, and we gave her what she wanted in terms of information that was appropriate... But honestly, she didn't want to know much. The fact it happened was enough for her.

[ladydesigner]

This is an interesting thought, as unless they actually call up the bs in person, they are hearing it from the ws. I checked a whole lot of threads, as was unable to find one bs who said they would rather have been kept in the dark. So on one hand, there are a whole lot of om/ow thinking the bs doesn't want to know, and a whole lot of bs saying they wanted to know. How can these two views be reconciled?

 

The only thing I can see is that either the ow/om are making a lot of false assumptions, or they are being told this by someone, likely their ap.

 

I don't think that most om/ow have their heads so high in the clouds that they can't put themselves in the bs's position to know what they would want. They would want the truth.

 

So it seems that they are likely being fed the " my bs doesn't want to know" line by their ap ( or are being told that the bs knows but is choosing to ignore it...again, ask bs's if that is what happened. Most will tell you it is a big lie.)

 

If this is the case, then that is proof positive of one honkin' big lie they were told from their "honest" ap.

 

The bold would be a great thread. To me it feels like both the MP and OW prefer the BS in the dark. It is safer that way for them.

[peaksandvalleys]

So because she hasn't come to you, she doesn't want the truth? That's interesting…

I didn't go to the OW either. I didn't need her truth. I had paid handsomely for my own. Maybe the BS in this situation is doing the same thing.

[peaksandvalleys]

No, there's wanting to know information about the affair, then there's wanting to know information that makes it creepy. She didn't so much want to know details about the affair she just wanted to know the things that were not appropriate, which we didn't tell her.

 

A level of understanding what happened is understandable, and we gave her what she wanted in terms of information that was appropriate... But honestly, she didn't want to know much. The fact it happened was enough for her.

 

 

We will disagree on that. I don't think the details are as appropriate as the affair.

[gettingstronger]

In general the truth looks different depending on whose truth it is. I have noticed some OW seem to think the only truth is the one they have to offer and totally ignore the fact their truth is based on their perception of the A. Their truth is not untainted and them offering it sometimes comes with a not so great motive. I know our OW sent me lengthy email with her truth that not only did not line up with my husbands but also did not line up with the texts and emails of hers that I had read. I think she did not know he gave me full access to everything. Truth is subjective in so many cases.

[ladydesigner]

It would have to be profoundly humiliating to have to go there.

 

I never had any profound humiliation when I confronted the MOW. If anything I felt empowered. I got the truth myself as my WH and MOW thought they were some of the best liars you could ever see until they were exposed.

[gettingstronger]

Liloldlady, you proved my point on truth. She was not his, the affair disrupted our marriage, she was an OW to me too. As a matter of fact we never even say her name , she is not so much a person as a situation to be dealt with. She is irrelevant to us as a person. Sad I know but that's the truth, our truth which you can argue all day long and it won't change it.

[jellybean89]

Good point.

 

I love this man, but I have been loving on another man, and man A wanted all the gory details about what I've done with man B (who might really be man A because, yo, he's been there for me all these years).

 

But I said, baby, why? Why do you want to know all the details?

 

He said, woman, if you don't tell me, you're going to get on my nerves.

 

But I notice, sometimes, he just doesn't want to know... He doesn't ask specific questions.

 

What tangled webs some weave.

 

Not me! I don't want to date a cheater. I don't like mess near me. Arrivederci. Right?

 

 

I'm confused. I thought you and the cheater were done? Are you back to being with him, sexually? Does the ex boyfriend (who you said a week or so ago you were back with) know you were with the cheater in a sexual way? Does he want to know? Does he deserve to know?

 

:confused:

[gettingstronger]

Us, he and I are back to being an us. No more third party involved. She could have been anyone willing to fill the ego boost he desired. Again, my truth, your truth. I live mine and know it to be true, no more lies in my marriage. I believe yours comes from a place still full of deceit. You need to believe that what I say is not possible, I know differently.

[harrybrown]

I want to know the truth, the entire truth and all the details.

 

Limbo land is hell. I know she did finally wake up and tell me that she had to magnify my faults to justify her cheating. She has said that she feels differently now.

 

She was selfish and it was an escape into fantasy land.

 

I have told her that I can't do this anymore. I am leaving. Every time she tells me that she is coming with me.

 

She has finally changed to the point where I am not such a bad H after all. except I still work too much. Someday, when I am not self-employed, I will be able to not work at all. I will retire. If I can just hurry up and get there.

 

But yes, give me all the truth even though the perception of the truth changes over time.

[Gunthar]

For me... (before my short A, when I was just the BS to my W's random sexcapades, and her then later loveless A with a single rich sex fiend)...

 

I HAD to know EVERYTHING, without question. The extent of the lies and betrayals. Who had my W become? All of it.

 

Part of it was having to understand how much disregard she had for herself and me. There was a health-risk factor that had to have absolute clarity around it.

 

While it seems like I know all of the who's, and when's, and a lot of the how and what, I just don't believe it when she tells me she's told me everything and have to assume she's holding back the worst, AND that she's still attention-seeking and giving herself away, at times when things seems authentic at home.

[Spark1111]

Oh PULLEAZE.....do all OW think BSs are idiots?

 

I've known this man for over 30 years......You have known him erratically...intermittently for two?

 

I begged him for the truth. I KNEW he was minimizing, omitting...so I called her...three kind phone calls, but she COWARDLY ran for the hills and never returned a call... I let it go....until she broke NC in an tempt to reignite the affair.

 

Former investigative journalist here... I got the bank statements, cell phone records, I knew it all, and absolutely EVERYTHING about her.

 

I knew stuff I cannot even disclose how I knew. I knew the sex they had, where and how they had it, where they went to have it, the convos they had when they did.... her past, her anger at the xH who LEFT her in a true exit affair for his AP; when she bought her house; her litigation with the xH over inheritance property....blah, blah, blah. I KNOW it all.

 

but....she would not return a phone call because she hoped she would win him back years later. I scared her out of the her job and the state with all I knew about her when I finally confronted her.

 

there ARE some spouses who do not care to know. But for me, and so many like me, we WANT to know and will do anything in our power to find out the truth...whether the WS or the AP are courageous enough or not enough to tell us.

 

folks, I got emails, snooped text messages....you name it? I read it! No one was going to lie, omit, snooker me me out of finding out the truth of my life during those lying days of the affair.

 

the scariest day for HIM during our tentative, volatile reconciliation? The day I informed him I had put a call into her to ascertain if he was telling me the truth. he was shaking in his boots.

 

he didn't have to worry. she was too much of a COWARD to return my call. I had to continue piecing it together from a paper trail.

[goodyblue]

Oh PULLEAZE.....do all OW think BSs are idiots?

 

I've known this man for over 30 years......You have known him erratically...intermittently for two?

 

I begged him for the truth. I KNEW he was minimizing, omitting...so I called her...three kind phone calls, but she COWARDLY ran for the hills and never returned a call... I let it go....until she broke NC in an tempt to reignite the affair.

 

Former investigative journalist here... I got the bank statements, cell phone records, I knew it all, and absolutely EVERYTHING about her.

 

I knew stuff I cannot even disclose how I knew. I knew the sex they had, where and how they had it, where they went to have it, the convos they had when they did.... her past, her anger at the xH who LEFT her in a true exit affair for his AP; when she bought her house; her litigation with the xH over inheritance property....blah, blah, blah. I KNOW it all.

 

but....she would not return a phone call because she hoped she would win him back years later. I scared her out of the her job and the state with all I knew about her when I finally confronted her.

 

there ARE some spouses who do not care to know. But for me, and so many like me, we WANT to know and will do anything in our power to find out the truth...whether the WS or the AP are courageous enough or not enough to tell us.

 

folks, I got emails, snooped text messages....you name it? I read it! No one was going to lie, omit, snooker me me out of finding out the truth of my life during those lying days of the affair.

 

the scariest day for HIM during our tentative, volatile reconciliation? The day I informed him I had put a call into her to ascertain if he was telling me the truth. he was shaking in his boots.

 

he didn't have to worry. she was too much of a COWARD to return my call. I had to continue piecing it together from a paper trail.

 

The BS in our situation tried to confront me. I did not respond. It was not out of cowardice. It was simply that I felt it was none of her business. I don't feel she had the right to confront me unless I was open to it, just as I don't feel I have the right to confront her unless it is something she wants. I'm not a coward, I just don't believe I HAVE to tell her anything.

[HermioneG]

The BS in our situation tried to confront me. I did not respond. It was not out of cowardice. It was simply that I felt it was none of her business. I don't feel she had the right to confront me unless I was open to it, just as I don't feel I have the right to confront her unless it is something she wants. I'm not a coward, I just don't believe I HAVE to tell her anything.

 

This is a pattern, in my opinion. And I agree, it is not cowardice. It's a lack of empathy for another person.

 

People who don't feel they owe others anything, especially those they have harmed.

 

The OW in my situation was like this. She contacted me ( because her family made her) and offered her version of the truth. Unfortunately, it did not match up with the evidence I had ( her own writing), and what the other ways I had confirmed the situation said. Not even close.

 

 

When I pointed that out, then she decided she no longer owed me anything.

 

Which was okay with me. Her behavior just confirmed what I had suspected about her, from my investigation.