waterwoman Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I repeat, at the risk of boring people, WHOSE truth do you think she should have? Hers is going to be different to yours, and HIS will be different to either of yours. There is never any one truth. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I think the BS that frequent these boards, and other such, are more likely to be in the subset of BS who would want to know "the truth". Their presence here suggests that they're wanting to understand. BS who prefer denial are much less likely to frequent boards like these. They prefer to ignore the evidence, overlook what happened or find alternate explanations, however bizarre, because they are so deeply invested in their particular worldview that they cannot countenance any challenge to it. My H's xW chose not to believe him when he told her about the A, that he loved me and was leaving. She chose to dismiss the possibility that he loved another, that he was loved by another, and that he would leave her, because she desperately needed to believe that he was unattractive to other women, lucky to have her, and was the more invested party in the M (giving her the greater power in the M). She could not afford to believe otherwise. Even when he and the kids had left, she was still convinced they would come crawling back. I hear this. It was our exact experience with his ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Long story, short. Its been almost 6 wks of NC. What he did was cruel and horrible. He cae back into my life after being gone for a year. Made empty promises of wanting to be together. Said he was leaving W, 9 months later he says he is going home to tell her. He stays. He minimized us so bad. I'm so hurt and yes angry. Don't think he is coming back, nor would I take him back. He was the love of my life. Does the W want to know the truth. When D day hit, she did tell him she had known all along. Why don't they want to find out. I have been thinking of telling her everything. At least I know he would never come back. I know this doesn't explain everything. I had been trying to find some post on "Telling the BS the truth" Yes. Most of us do want to know the truth. We want to know if the person we are married to is having a years long affair, taking financial resources from the family and spending them on the AP. We want to know if they have fathered a child and kept it hidden. We want to know if they are putting our already precarious health at risk. We do want to know if our lives are a sham and we are working on something that is fake. I WANT TO KNOW. I should have been told and I don't care who told me. Does anyone care that they help to steal years from someone else's life? I mean generally. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 My ex husband didn't want to know details. My husbands ex wife wanted to know every detail. Every, little detail, to a level that was creepy. Maybe it was creepy to you but for her it was the need to leave no stone unturned. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I wanted to know. I didn't want every little detail but I definitely wanted to know and wish I would have known sooner regardless of who told me. My marriage has survived the infidelity, and though I did decide to stay in the marriage, that doesn't mean I buried my head in The sand or that the affair was minimized. It is horrible to be betrayed in such a way. I just wish people could be more honest all around. I hate affairs, what they stand for, what they do to people, all sides of the triangle. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I agree. I was a OW some years ago and would never had told the BS. That was the MMs job. Of course he played our relationship down to her like they almost always do. 7 years down the line and they are still together and she is still pretty much oblivious to the truth as far as I know. Some people prefer it that way. If it was me, however, I would want to know and would hope that SOMEONE would tell me. Whatever you do don't be the one to give her that information. She probably won't thank you for it and, whatever you tell yourself, you won't be doing it for her sake. I really feel your pain but it DOES get easier - eventually. *scratching my head* So you would want to know and would hope that "someone" (your word) would tell you; but you won't let a BS know what is going on? Isn't that kinda of like double talk? Why would you expect a betrayed spouse to thank the other woman for telling her of the affair? Why do you believe an other woman telling a betray spouse isn't telling the wife for the sake of the wife? Some other women truly have compassion and empathy for what their actions and behaviors have done to hurt a betrayed spouse. I think most people who cherish their marriage would want to know - and know the details. I know I would. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Frankly, it's none of the OW's business whether or not the BS wants to know. It's not our place to tell her anything. The BS should be dealing with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 The only person who really knows what a BS wants to know is the BS. Other people can speculate based on what they have convinced themselves is the truth, but only a BS knows what they want to know. And only the BS is sure of what she has actually been told. In other words, anyone who actually BELIEVES the MM when he says "I told me wife but she doesn't care"......bless your heart. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Janedoe67 lmao! You said, "bless your heart". I Love it* Seriously though, the Truth is there was/is an A. Details if they are truth or perceptions of what the truth is, is just that. Details are up to the BS to decide and Ask if he/she Chooses. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 The only person who really knows what a BS wants to know is the BS. Other people can speculate based on what they have convinced themselves is the truth, but only a BS knows what they want to know. And only the BS is sure of what she has actually been told. In other words, anyone who actually BELIEVES the MM when he says "I told me wife but she doesn't care"......bless your heart. I suppose it must make you feel better to think that the MM always lies to the OW. But it's not always the case. In fact, in MY case, he was perfectly honest with me about everything. EV-ER-Y-THING. Just because he lied to the BS, doesn't mean he lied to the OW. Sorry. In fact, my guy never lied to his ex either. He just moved on and didn't tell her. She didn't notice because they had no life together. OUR BS didn't want to know jack. Still doesn't. And I am glad because I'm not telling her squat. And neither is my guy. She is a nonentity in our lives, except for the random rambling text when she gets nice and sauced up. She'll be bitter and angry forever because she won't move on. I feel sorry for her in that regard. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I suppose it must make you feel better to think that the MM always lies to the OW. But it's not always the case. In fact, in MY case, he was perfectly honest with me about everything. EV-ER-Y-THING. Just because he lied to the BS, doesn't mean he lied to the OW. Sorry. In fact, my guy never lied to his ex either. He just moved on and didn't tell her. She didn't notice because they had no life together. You do realise that Jane is not a BS but a fWS. And as a fWS, I agree with her. WS do lie to the AP. They do manipulate the AP to get what they want. And the AP accepts it all as true. Maybe not in all cases. But it definitely does happen. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I suppose it must make you feel better to think that the MM always lies to the OW. But it's not always the case. In fact, in MY case, he was perfectly honest with me about everything. EV-ER-Y-THING. Just because he lied to the BS, doesn't mean he lied to the OW. Sorry. In fact, my guy never lied to his ex either. He just moved on and didn't tell her. She didn't notice because they had no life together. OUR BS didn't want to know jack. Still doesn't. And I am glad because I'm not telling her squat. And neither is my guy. She is a nonentity in our lives, except for the random rambling text when she gets nice and sauced up. She'll be bitter and angry forever because she won't move on. I feel sorry for her in that regard. I believe the common term for this is a lie by omission...... The tone of the last paragraph is as bitter as the BS is described it might be perceived. The Former wife of your lover is always going to be 'an entity' in your lives if there are children involved whether you like it or not. Who are you to say that she will be angry and bitter forever? You have no idea what she may or may not do in the future, or even whether SHE cares. Regardless of the superiority with which you underpin what was a clandestine relationship, you are still both responsible for the destruction of another persons fragile ego. How that is attended to is a matter for them to address. Your assumptions are unfounded given that you do not live with this person. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 ANYWAY... topic - I Do believe the majority of BS'S want the truth that there is /was an A. The details are a non issue and not welcome less the BS asks* ...I do believe there are threads around here about the whole lying thing, maybe revive one of those? Oh and maybe revive a thread about "bitter/angry" AP's/BS'S too? Okay that was a little bit O'sarcasm wrapped with humor* 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I believe the common term for this is a lie by omission...... The tone of the last paragraph is as bitter as the BS is described it might be perceived. The Former wife of your lover is always going to be 'an entity' in your lives if there are children involved whether you like it or not. Who are you to say that she will be angry and bitter forever? You have no idea what she may or may not do in the future, or even whether SHE cares. Regardless of the superiority with which you underpin what was a clandestine relationship, you are still both responsible for the destruction of another persons fragile ego. How that is attended to is a matter for them to address. Your assumptions are unfounded given that you do not live with this person. I hope she ISN'T bitter and angry forever. But I am of the opinion she will be. I was not responsible for the destruction of her ego. She and her ex husband ruined their marriage and that should be more on her mind than the fact that after years of neglect, he finally left, or even stepped out. And you are correct, I don't live with her. I can only go by the texts she randomly sends telling us so. I tend to believe her. I am sorry you feel I was speaking with superiority. I have guilt over the A. But I've worked through it, as has my guy. It's taken time, but we have. Years later she is still sending texts in the middle of the night raging at us. You can say I don't know that of which I speak. You would be mistaken. I love the whole "You don't know, you didn't live with this person" attitude, because really, you can't know ANYONE because you are not in their head. So having said that, you don't know whether or not I was speaking with superiority. You're guessing... you shouldn't do that. You don't know what goes on inside me, either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I hope she ISN'T bitter and angry forever. But I am of the opinion she will be. I was not responsible for the destruction of her ego. She and her ex husband ruined their marriage and that should be more on her mind than the fact that after years of neglect, he finally left, or even stepped out. And you are correct, I don't live with her. I can only go by the texts she randomly sends telling us so. I tend to believe her. I am sorry you feel I was speaking with superiority. I have guilt over the A. But I've worked through it, as has my guy. It's taken time, but we have. Years later she is still sending texts in the middle of the night raging at us. You can say I don't know that of which I speak. You would be mistaken. I love the whole "You don't know, you didn't live with this person" attitude, because really, you can't know ANYONE because you are not in their head. So having said that, you don't know whether or not I was speaking with superiority. You're guessing... you shouldn't do that. You don't know what goes on inside me, either. What I see, and continue to see in your posts is a continual myriad of contradictions. The simple fact (proven again and again) is that the majority of people who are betrayed want to know. Only the quantity and extent to which that knowledge, if available, might be beneficial varies. The only person entitled to make such a decision is the BS themselves. I never 'guess'. Fortunately I have the advantage of many, many years of experience that negates the need to 'guess'. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 And only the BS is sure of what she has actually been told. In other words, anyone who actually BELIEVES the MM when he says "I told me wife but she doesn't care"......bless your heart. This post assumes that the only evidence an OW ever has is what she is told by the MM. Which is completely erroneous, in many cases. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 As it appears a substantial portion of the discussion veered off into topics unrelated to the betrayed spouse wanting to know the truth and more into editorial commentaries on members and others who apparently are not betrayed spouses, let's return to the nuances of does the betrayed spouse want to know about an affair, the why's, the results and everything related to that topical question. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 GoodyBlue wrote, "frankly it's none of the OW's business if the BS wants to know. It's not our place to tell her anything. The BS should be dealing with it. " Ummm... What? I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I meant WS should be dealing with it. My apologies. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Gotcha* I do that too, lol. So, goodyb let me ask you (no sarcasm here), if things got weird with your bf and talking to him just left you feeling crazier for even feeling something is "wrong"... would you want to be "told" by someone, anyone, that your being cheated on? Even if it was the OW? Do you think that you'd (besides Feelin like cr@p) better Knowing you're Not crazy for feeling something is wrong? If not, why? Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 (edited) The only person who really knows what a BS wants to know is the BS. Other people can speculate based on what they have convinced themselves is the truth, but only a BS knows what they want to know. And only the BS is sure of what she has actually been told. In other words, anyone who actually BELIEVES the MM when he says "I told me wife but she doesn't care"......bless your heart. Indeed. ( thanks to my Mamaw, I am reading your last words in her low and slow drawl. And I know exactly what you mean. LOL) Everyone deserves the truth of their own life. I have not run across very many people in my experience that when they realize something is amiss, do not wish to know. In my experience, the only people not interested in the full truth are usually people doing something that the truth would reveal something ugly about their choices. And they aren't ready for that. Edited February 15, 2014 by HermioneG 7 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Suffice it to say I wouldn't need someone to tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 You rock goody. Link to post Share on other sites
VeronicaRoss Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 You might send her a note with no details, just ask if she wants to talk with you. Let her decide. And then don't contact her again if she says no. Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 So let me ask this: How does an AP gauge whether the BS does not want the truth? I see it said many times about how the BS is sticking their head in the sand, or they don't want to know, yada yada and I always wonder what makes the AP come to that conclusion? How does an AP know, aside from if the BS says to it person to person that they would not like to know 'the truth,' how do one know that a BS prefers not to know the truth? Is it just a guess/assumption? Based on what the MM says? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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