Am I off my rocker for this?

[whatnow99]

So here I am ...feeling lost.

I've been married 12 years. One child. We didn't have a second because our marriage has been a bit like a roller coaster AND he didn't want to tempt fate...concerned that we'd have a child with a disability. (we have no risk of that).. I am 38 and WANT another child before it's too late.

We've gone to counseling. LOTS of drama filled history. But, today - we sit - rarely have s*x. I don't really initiate anymore, because it just seems like it will be more robotic stuff. Our physical history is not good.... both victims of previous abuse. (Yes, we've gone to therapy, but I think it still bothers me).

Husband quit his job (I'm the breadwinner) and is trying to do freelance work (starting his own business from home). Wants to work from home....is doing that now, but still wants a nanny to help out now. Initially, it was to save us on childcare....even though our son is 8 and gets out of school at 3pm.

We are broke. He asked me to file for bankruptcy last year ..since most of the debt was in my name. He wanted to save his credit....so we could get cars etc and wouldn't both be burdened with the bad credit. Well, the bankruptcy was dismissed. I make far too much money...well over 6 figures. Now, I just have outstanding debt...loads of it. And it's mostly been charged off. I have ZERO credit.

Years ago, he suggested I sue my mother for my father's life insurance ...my Mother does not have a job (never has) and she was living off of it. I said no...

He wants to sue for everything lately. We moved into a house that had mold last summer. We had a mold test done -- it showed positive, but the landlord thought my husband was such pain in the arse that he told us he would refund our security deposit and he wanted us to move instead of fixing it. My husband filed suit against him and that's still pending.

Then, we moved into another house (lease) and it had bad plumbing -- sewage leaking from ceiling -- and while they fixed it -- he filed suit against them. That's also still pending.

He called a news reporter on that story and begged that they do a report. The reporter said he would need to name me (I have a public job) and I said no. Husband is upset that I won't do the story. I said my bankruptcy etc could get out in the media and I can't risk that. He just doesn't seem to get it.

So, now I sit angry, resentful. He's home all day "doing accounting" even though our home office looks like a kindergartener did the filings. It's a mess. He's lost the business checkbook...

and last night, I asked him to do me one favor. The deadline was last night at midnight. He "forgot" and the whole thing ended up without my entry....

I have talked to him about this and he seems to let it go in one ear and out the other. He makes me dinners often... when I get home from work, but that's about it. After our son falls asleep, he usually drinks wine and falls asleep too.

I wanted to bring an organizer in to get the bills and paperwork set up properly and he said no....he'd handle it. Yet, he spent the weekend scrubbing the driveway to make it look cleaner. I sometimes want to strangle him.

Am I out of bounds? Or would this make someone want to run for the hills?

[MyEvilTwin]

Geesh. He quit his own paying job but wanted you to sue your very own mother. Doesn't that say it right there? He's a financial drunk with a strong sense of entitlement.

Take your power back. You pay for things, so get them lined up ducks in a row, safety net included, separate bank account he can't get into. He's irresponsible and wants everyone else to pay his way.

I don't know how you are going to work this out because it appears that there are issues on just about every important thing.

But I would start one step at a time. Really what other way is there to do it unless you consider divorce.

You have to start asserting yourself more. I'm afraid that with him as the decision maker could take you down into the gutter, homeless.

Edited February 11, 2014 by MyEvilTwin

[whatnow99]

Well, here's what I am ashamed to admit. He has changed me...I am not the daughter my father raised. I too find myself acting and thinking like him.

 

 

And I have become spineless ....I have no real fight left in me to do what's right. For example, I was raised to be a person who paid their bills and didn't skate out of anything... and all of this has really changed me.

 

 

I have changed. I don't know how to go back to the person I used to be...It's so much easier just going along with everything.

 

 

My husband doesn't really spend much anymore...he just is... and all of our debts are just hanging there.

 

 

He doesn't want me to pay them back...but when it comes to HIM...he wants a spotless credit history and no debt in his name.

 

 

It's hard...because...I don't think he's a bad guy ..per say. But, I think I've lost my objectivity. We have a son..who asked me the other day when I was suing ___ __. I thought WTF are we doing...he thinks we are going to SUE EVERYONE.

 

 

A child should not hear this stuff...imo. Am I wrong?

[MyEvilTwin]

You can go back to who you were and what you believe in. Baby steps. Life is corrected when off one THOUGHT at a time.

First off, it's not right to be suing a bunch of people. We morally are right to sue when someone has truly wronged us and cost us our livelihood.

Otherwise, we carry our own weight in life. That is what is morally right.

 

 

Ditch the nanny. 8 years old, a few hours at home with dad until you get home, no biggie.

You're broke, remember? Nannies are for people who are solid with money.

Husband complains? Meh...too bad.

Since you're the bread winner you have to be the fiscally responsible one.

It's too much on your shoulders, but for now, unless you separate or talk him into your way of thinking, that's the way it has to be.

He will argue. Look him in the eye and say--we are broke, and you aren't earning yet. So for now, we can't afford a nanny. You can deal with your son for two hours. Show some love and play with him, or set him up nicely with an after school healthy snack and an age appropriate movie.

Adult conversations about money are not a young child's business. Have them at other times when he is not around.

 

 

Your husband is dragging you down. Stop giving him the power to do so. You have to take the power back. But unless you are ready for WWlll, you have to do so with rational discussion and avoid all blow out arguments. Stick to the facts, and put your foot down.

Any discussions about your credit or anything that would harm your credit--you simply say I refuse to do anything that would further harm my credit.

Your husband is like a child and you have to be the adult here. It's tricky though to bring him into your way of thinking, but since you have the power since you have the paycheck, what argument does he have? Just stand solidly firm. Not belittling, not treating him like a child. Just firm, solid, and refusing whatsoever to do the wrong thing.

 

 

I won't comment on separation/divorce because it is rarely our right to do so here on LS...we simply can't make that decision for a total stranger unless the relationship is obviously abusive.

Edited February 12, 2014 by MyEvilTwin

[whatnow99]

The lawsuit stuff...if consuming me and him, as well. It is this constant fight...do I think we have a valid claim in both issues? Yes, I do. But they they will fight and argue and it will cost MORE money to sue and prove a point than to just let it go...and realize we've had a rough go of it.

 

 

Honestly, I told my husband that we've had SUCH a rough time as of late, it's made me rethink our entire community. I feel as if we should just pick up and start over in another state/city. We have been hit by it SO many times it's gotten out of hand.

 

 

I know this probably sounds extreme, but we have moved 3 times in 6 months because of these housing problems AND I have had several people become backstabbers - I'm in a public type job and people know me and recognize me for my work...and people talk. The toxic stuff I've hit recently is killing me and making me paranoid.

 

 

My husband apparently got the realtor and the first landlord SO upset that he refused to fix the problem until we moved. LEGALLY he couldn't do that...but because of the mold, we couldn't stick around to fight it. it was in our son's room.

 

 

But, then the second house becomes a toxic mess and the landlord got so angry that we called the city for help getting it fixed...that the landlord locked out of our house.

 

 

Through all of this - I have had to be the fighter. I had to research the laws and solve the crisis for our family. My husband does a lot of complaining...but no solutions.

 

 

I think my biggest mistake has been fighting his battles for him. I am ruining my own name by being associated to this stuff...

 

 

Maybe this is just normal drama...but to me..it feels extreme. Does it sound extreme to you?

[MyEvilTwin]

At this point I'm wondering if your husband has a lack of diplomacy. If he's aggressive and argumentative, it's no wonder landlords don't like to work with him and give him what he's asking for.

My question is this--is your husband's behavior toward his landlords bringing on these wars when perhaps with a little diplomacy he could have gotten the landlord to fix the problem without a court battle and war?

 

 

We can be legally RIGHT, win the court battle but lose the war of a good home without months of chaos, and court bills, and stress, you know?

 

 

At the end of the day, working with people and solving problems can't all be done in a courtroom. Usually both sides lose when it comes to that. Some type of compromise, or at least approaching landlords with respect and civility might promote him getting what he wants, and what your family needs.

Careful when sparring with someone when they are the owner of the house you are living in. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face type of thing. Make the situation easier for everybody. Worst case scenario is agree to disagree and have a court decide. But I wonder if in either of these cases simply trying to get along with the landlord might have nipped the court issues in the bud.

 

 

If you are in the public eye and either you or your husband has a combative personality, yes, word will get out. People generally try to avoid such people. I have a feeling it's your husband, not you, but you will suffer through association because the two of you are a package deal.

 

 

I'm making that assumption because you said your husband got the realtor/landlord so upset...and that more and more bad people/situations seem to be coming in your direction...

either

1) You're attracted to drama/dysfunctional people and unconsciously seek them out

2) You look in the mirror and say the common denominator in these situations is US.

 

 

So if it's number 1--we examine why we are drawn to dysfunction, or if it is number 2--we are relieved that it is us (after the initial feeling of guilt) simply because that means the situations are within our power to change because the only people we can change is ourselves and how others react to us is directly related to how we behave.

 

 

If you move without changing what is bringing on so many combative relationships, then the same type of stuff will play out wherever you go.

 

 

That your husband wanted you to sue your own mother to get ahold of some money tells me that he will go to just about any extreme to get ahold of money but that his empathy/sympathy/diplomacy is nearly entirely lacking....jmho.

I'm not sure what a psychologist would make of that--perhaps borderline disorder.

Edited February 12, 2014 by MyEvilTwin

[Jethro]

OMG, this is horrific. In my opinion you should sue him. As in sue him in a divorce.

[whatnow99]

Well, I know the advice I have received about my relationship is excellent....

 

But, I am very, very scared tonight. I would appreciate advice.

 

I just talked with our attorney regarding the lawsuit against the last landlord. Her attorney is threatening to go public with all kinds of lies about me. It WILL make headlines because of my public/high profile job. She is threatening to claim I filed a false insurance claim, that I filed for bankruptcy...and air all this dirty laundry.

 

In the end -- we didn't do anything "wrong"...even the city shut the house down, but she is planning to go the extortion route.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to pay the money because it only makes the behavior okay...and it's not. I did NOT do anything wrong!

 

But, my name would go through the mud. I'm so ashamed. I don't know what to do...

 

What would YOU do? My husband wants to still sue her....but I can't stomach it. I'm terrified...

[MyEvilTwin]

This is starting to sound like a bad novel, sorry!

 

 

If it's not libel and slander then she can go public regardless. Your lawyer should have told you that. If it is libel and slander then you can have another lawsuit on your hands.

Who's to say she isn't already saying things about you?

If it isn't slander then you can pay up and they can still say anything factual they want to.

Your lawyer is the one for all that messy business, I'm no lawyer and you won't find a lot of lawyer advice for free...

You already made your decision with the lawsuit and they can say anything they can get away with already to whomever will listen.

Paying up isn't going to change that.

[whatnow99]

Actually, we sent a demand letter. No lawsuit has actually been filed at this point.

 

And my attorney said I could pay what they are requesting... And require a cease and desist etc.

 

But you are right. It is a bad novel. And my husband just can't let it go. It's AlL I hear about. I want to move out of this darn city.

 

And yes she has told the whole school that we caused all kinds of things. All lies. We didn't do anything wrong but I think my husband got her really angry and she's bullying.

[MyEvilTwin]

You move out of the city and take your H with you, he's going to continue unless you can put your foot down and say No more lawsuits...

 

 

The hardest decisions in life are not between good and bad, but between good and good, and bad and bad being the worst.

Seems you've run into a bad vs. bad choices decision.

I'd personally just want the whole thing to go away...and make it so.

You file enough lawsuits yes you are going to find someone who doesn't play by only the court rules and will play dirty.

How much money are you talking to settle out of court?

[peanutgallery]

I think it would be about 2600 dollars. But my husband is against paying.

 

Saying it would reveal that we did something wrong, which we didn't.

 

You are right. He would find something else...

 

Why is it that I'm just so scared to leave him? I feel like this life is all I'm capable of and that being without him and the marriage would be worse... We have had good times... But our share of bad too. Sigh.

[MyEvilTwin]

It's going to take some time for me to put your two online personalities together and see just what's up...

 

 

Ok, did a quick look and it appears that you are attracted to some unhealthy and risky behaviors--like a pilot that sexts and wanted to go from there...all this drama is doing you no good and just leads to problems in life as you can see.

 

 

You could use to examine your internal boundaries on what is ok and where you draw the line with your behaviors. Just so that you can stop experiencing unpleasant things with fallout later. Don't do it focusing on the guilt, do it focusing on what leads to outcomes that you prefer.

 

 

Your H stays with you because you make the money, it's convenient, and you have a child together. Your H doesn't seem to have a good grasp on how to be successful at just about anything...

Maybe IC could help you with dysfunction. You have some very good things going for you and then on the other hand you have some chaos. I wouldn't want a good career, a child you love, and those good things to blow up on you...so you need to figure some things out--mostly what you want and how you go about deserving what you want, which begins with your own boundaries and what you accept in your own behavior, and then you only get involved in situations that mirror that.

Not a great answer for sure but I tried with limited time available to scrutinize all that's going on.

 

 

The thread "would you stay under these conditions"....sigh

get yourself back in therapy.

I don't see what you are getting out of this arrangement but I sure see what your H is.

Yes you still have to reign in your own behaviors simply because then you can say UNACCEPTABLE IS UNACCEPTABLE.

And that's where you have no boundary...it hurts you. His unacceptable behaviors.

Raise yourself above it all, then you can put your foot down with strong boundaries on how you are going to live.

Boundaries are not something you need to share with anyone else unless you want to. Boundaries are about what is acceptable to you. You can keep them all to yourself, because it's not about sharing to enforce them, as in a control maneuver, which they don't work.

Boundaries are simply --X is not ok with me, and it's where I draw the line.

I don't have to share them with anyone verbally. I just act on them.

 

 

Your H is going along for the free ride.

Like my initial post said. He's a financial drunk.

He's in denial. Denial financially that he can pull his own weight. Denial sexually that perhaps he is gay. Who knows what else! And takes advantage of you whenever possible, trying to get more of the "good life" out of your paychecks, which are imaginary endless in his head. He doesn't care if he ruins your credit. Hey if you get divorced he will have good credit and maybe even alimony....think about this.

He needs therapy far more than you do, but it's not your job to save people in life, your job is to save yourself when someone else is pulling you into the quicksand.

And you couldn't save him anyway. He knows what he is doing...and he approves.

 

 

You could really use to get angry. Angry at what you tolerate, not angry directly at your H. Not angry at yourself. But anger can be motivating to change. Angry that you tolerate what you do.

Edited February 13, 2014 by MyEvilTwin

[peanutgallery]

You are absolutely right and I thank you for taking the time to read my story and respond. I almost feel crazy telling the story. But I grew up in massive dysfunction, so I think it allows me to believe that this isn't that bad.

 

I'm very scared of change. Petrified that our little safety net (marriage ) will fall apart.

 

I'm thinking critically here and I am a wreck. I don't feel I can trust my own judgement and I am feeling incredibly low ... Even more so when I really lay all of this out there.

 

I need to start with baby steps. But I feel like such a failure. Like I've done so much "bad stuff" that I'm beyond forgiveness by God.

 

My Dad is probably looking down on me and realizing that I'm a complete F up. I'm so saddled with that I almost don't have the energy or strength to start fresh.

 

It's just so overwhelming. It's like the saying road to Hell is paved with good intentions. I have got to pray for strength and to get out of this.

What's so hard is when my husband is so nice. It's hard for me to think that he is part of the problem....my judgement is so skewed.

 

But you are right... Moving all these times .. Fighting landlords ... It's all just a wreck.

 

I had a great friend (I thought) in my last city/ workplace who I overheard talking about me and how stupid I was and weak. I told her I heard her and she just gave me the cold shoulder and then eventually told me that "I" was to blame for her saying that ... Because I caused my own problems and that she had nothing to apologize for. She said she'd never speak to me again. She thought I was pathetic for staying I my marriage.

 

Do you think she was right to do that to me? Is that how everyone sees me ?

 

Pathetic? Tears come to my eyes as I type this because I am def getting real with the situation. And it's just not good.

[Grumpybutfun]

We become the toxic people who destroy us if we don't protect ourselves. You are sabotaging yourself and your child by staying with this happiness and money suck. He is toxic and you are slowly crumbling under the weight of your association with him. Get away now or you will be consumed by his toxicity. You need a lawyer and a therapist....you are not over your abuse and you are reacting like someone who is triggered and in PTSD.

Leave,

Grumps

 

I will comment as he is emotionally abusive.

Edited February 13, 2014 by Grumpybutfun