meghann8 Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Long story short, read the title. I am so mad at my BF's brother. My roommate sent him a message through FB a day or two after it happened. I don't know what all she said, but she's not pressing charges. I told her that she has my 100% support, but she said she's fine and told me to just drop the whole thing. Well, I can't. I don't exactly want to break up with my BF because he's really sweet. I can tell who is good inside and who is not and the brother is the truly evil one. I'm pretty sure my BF knows who his brother is. I started to bring up what happened, before I 100% realized that what the brother did was rape (long story), and he cut me off and said he never wanted to discuss his brother with me. It's been a few weeks, things are fine between my BF and me, and my roommate is slowly coming back to normal, but I just can't get this out of my head. What do I do? Should I break up with my BF? Is there a way to bring charges against the brother? I didn't witness the act itself, but I was in the apartment, I knew my roommate was blackout drunk, and I KNOW I told him that she DID NOT want sex when she was already blackout drunk. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 You are contemplating breaking up with your boyfriend over the actions of another ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author meghann8 Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 Yes. It's an option. If we stay together, there will be a day when I have to face that brother during some family gathering and it's not going to be pretty. I hate the brother and will never forgive him for what he did. That'll cause a rub between my bf and me, I know it will. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Your BF is acting weird. Though none of us here know the relationship between the two of them. If my brother raped one of my girlfriends friends, I would want her to press charges. My brother be damned. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
OpheliaSong Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Does your bf know what his brother did? Why doesn't he want to discuss it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author meghann8 Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 My bf knows his brother and my roommate had sex. He might not know it was actually rape. His inability to talk to me about his brother is aggravating to say the least. I'm thinking of just bringing this up to him regardless of consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 I think I would need more details to form an opinion one way or the other. I have no way of knowing of this was a violent rape of force, or whether this is one of the " I don't remember what happened , therefore he raped me. " As alcohol was a factor, and you were in the same house, can you tell us was she conscious? Did she sleep with him because she was drunk and then regretted it two days later and cried rape? Did he sneak in and take complete advantage of her? I guess the answer of what happened would heavily influence my opinion to one side or the other. For right now all I can say is you shouldn't punish your boyfriend for the actions of his brother. That's my initial reaction with little to no information. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 For right now all I can say is you shouldn't punish your boyfriend for the actions of his brother. That's my initial reaction with little to no information. It's correct that you can't punish someone for the actions of another. But you can judge them for how they deal with the actions of that other person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OpheliaSong Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 My bf knows his brother and my roommate had sex. He might not know it was actually rape. His inability to talk to me about his brother is aggravating to say the least. I'm thinking of just bringing this up to him regardless of consequences. He knows and I bet his brother has a past with such behavior in it. Else he would discuss it and not act so weird about it as somedude said. Honestly, your bf is condoning it by not wanting to discuss it. Not the type of man I would want to be with because rape is not okay and no one should act like it doesn't exist. Even if he says he isn't his brothers keeper, if he had knowledge his brother was someone who would rape someone or take advantage of a drunk girl and he didn't tell you but let your friend be in danger, he is an a$$. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Forget your relationship drama for a minute. Let's focus on what's important here. How is your roommate? Don't tell me she's fine. She's not. Has she seen a rape crisis counselor? She needs to. You have to encourage her to talk about what happened. that person -- a trained professional -- can talk to her about pressing charges or not. Now since you already said you can see & know the differences between your BF & his evil brother, my Q is what did your BF mean when he cut you off & said he never wants to discuss his brother with you? If he meant that he knows his brother is horrible, that's one thing. If he meant that he won't talk about it because he doesn't want you to bad mouth his brother, yes, I think you need to show him the door too. Not because of what his brother did but because he's trying to excuse criminal behavior. How is your roommate going to react when your BF comes over? If that is going to freak her out you may have a difficult road ahead. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
OpheliaSong Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 I think I would need more details to form an opinion one way or the other. I have no way of knowing of this was a violent rape of force, or whether this is one of the " I don't remember what happened , therefore he raped me. " As alcohol was a factor, and you were in the same house, can you tell us was she conscious? Did she sleep with him because she was drunk and then regretted it two days later and cried rape? Did he sneak in and take complete advantage of her? I guess the answer of what happened would heavily influence my opinion to one side or the other. For right now all I can say is you shouldn't punish your boyfriend for the actions of his brother. That's my initial reaction with little to no information. Did you read where she said her roommate did not want sex and was blackout drunk? If his brother was a standup guy who had not behaved like this in the past, her bf would probably be open to speaking about it. Her bf knows because his brother has done this before. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 I think I would need more details to form an opinion one way or the other. I have no way of knowing of this was a violent rape of force, or whether this is one of the " I don't remember what happened , therefore he raped me. " As alcohol was a factor, and you were in the same house, can you tell us was she conscious? Did she sleep with him because she was drunk and then regretted it two days later and cried rape? Did he sneak in and take complete advantage of her? I guess the answer of what happened would heavily influence my opinion to one side or the other. Candidly, if as the OP said the brother raped the roommate because she was blacked out drunk & couldn't say no, to me that makes the BF less of a good guy. It's easier to make the wrong choice under circumstances like that. It's way more unlikely that somebody wakes up one day & becomes a "boogey-man" type rapist that jumps out at people from the darkness & forces them. If the BF can't or won't see that taking advantage of an unconscious person is rape, the OP needs to dump the BF ASAP not because of what his brother did but because he has no moral compass. Any time there is anything other than a clearheaded, affirmative response, it's rape. If you are worried that she's too drunk to say yes & especially if you know she'd say no sober, don't do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Candidly, if as the OP said the brother raped the roommate because she was blacked out drunk & couldn't say no, to me that makes the BF less of a good guy. It's easier to make the wrong choice under circumstances like that. It's way more unlikely that somebody wakes up one day & becomes a "boogey-man" type rapist that jumps out at people from the darkness & forces them. If the BF can't or won't see that taking advantage of an unconscious person is rape, the OP needs to dump the BF ASAP not because of what his brother did but because he has no moral compass. Any time there is anything other than a clearheaded, affirmative response, it's rape. If you are worried that she's too drunk to say yes & especially if you know she'd say no sober, don't do it. So what exactly is the boyfriend supposed to do? Do you want him to forsake and abandon his brother for life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author meghann8 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 He knows and I bet his brother has a past with such behavior in it.. Based on what I've heard, his brother does have a past. The morning after the rape occurred, my roommate woke up naked and didn't know why. She saw the brother next to her. She asked him if they had sex. He then asked, "have you ever used Plan B before?" She got up and made him pay for the pill (at least that's something), but then he wanted food, so he took her to a quiznos to eat and talk. He then told her a lot about his past. From what she told me, they only talked about him. What he said was that he was in an abusive relationship where he keeps trying to break up with her, but she's physically abusive and won't let him leave. Among other things, he said that he was a compulsive lair and simply couldn't help it. What I got out of that was that he knows how to talk his way out of anything. Also, he is the abusive one in the relationship. My BF has to know his brother is abusive. There's no way around it. The brothers hang out at least once a week to go over work stuff, motivate each other for applying to different jobs, and go to family events together. Their past definitely connects them because only they know what they went through in their childhood (their father beat their mother and them and had to run away). Knowing that the older brother has picked up his father's traits is what's eating away at me. I know I can't live with that and I have to change something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meghann8 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 Forget your relationship drama for a minute. Let's focus on what's important here. How is your roommate? Don't tell me she's fine. She's not. Has she seen a rape crisis counselor? She needs to. You have to encourage her to talk about what happened. that person -- a trained professional -- can talk to her about pressing charges or not. Now since you already said you can see & know the differences between your BF & his evil brother, my Q is what did your BF mean when he cut you off & said he never wants to discuss his brother with you? If he meant that he knows his brother is horrible, that's one thing. If he meant that he won't talk about it because he doesn't want you to bad mouth his brother, yes, I think you need to show him the door too. Not because of what his brother did but because he's trying to excuse criminal behavior. How is your roommate going to react when your BF comes over? If that is going to freak her out you may have a difficult road ahead. My roommate doesn't want to talk about it. I've tried asking if she is okay with my BF coming over. All I get back is angered responses like "I don't care. You know I don't like him, but I'm not dating him. I'm not going to tell you to break up with him because you seem to get along pretty well." I've asked if she even wants him in the apartment and she said that was fine. When my BF is around, it may simply be that it's late, but my roommate stays in her bedroom until he's gone. I wish she'd talk to me because obviously something is up, but she refuses to do so. I've limited the time he's in the apartment to when she isn't there, and we move to my bedroom if she comes home unexpectedly. My BF isn't completely innocent. I know he finds choice words when he talks about certain subjects, mainly his brother and his past. That being said, I simply don't feel like he'd ever be abusive in any way. My radar on creeps is pretty good. I knew his brother was up to no good, but didn't know why until he raped my roommate. Side note: we were hosting a party in my apartment. That's how my BF and his brother were included that night. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meghann8 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 So what exactly is the boyfriend supposed to do? Do you want him to forsake and abandon his brother for life? I clearly don't have all the answers or else I wouldn't have started this thread. For now, my conclusions based on everyone's responses (and I thank every one of you for helping!) is that I need more communication between my roommate and myself, and my BF and myself. I don't quite know what I want my BF to do, especially when I tell him my thoughts about his brother. I know I don't want him to defend and make excuses for his brother, that's for sure. What I really want is to tell his brother what he is to his face, but that might be dangerous, especially since I already know he can be abusive, but that might not happen. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 So what exactly is the boyfriend supposed to do? Do you want him to forsake and abandon his brother for life? Abandon him -- no. Acknowledge that he's unsavory & knowing that pay more attention to what he's doing around drunk women, absolutely. Now that this has happened, at the very least talk to his GF about how they will interact moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Poor boyfriend is in a lose lose. He gets to pick his brother or his girlfriend, and of he picks the girlfriend he better hope they never break up. This situation sucks for all parties involved. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author meghann8 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 Poor boyfriend is in a lose lose. He gets to pick his brother or his girlfriend, and of he picks the girlfriend he better hope they never break up. This situation sucks for all parties involved. If my BF knew his brother had these tendencies, he should have kept him at bay, especially when it came to my roommates so conflicts like this wouldn't occur. If he didn't know, he should be able to talk to me about his brother. I don't need to know every secret, but I need to sort out stuff like if I ever need to see him again, how my BF even feels about his actions, etc. Just have the conversation. There's a lot going on and I'm not settling foe this current situation. All because someone couldn't keep it in his pants. Link to post Share on other sites
Andyy Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 I don't see how he's in a lose-lose. It might feel that way for him, but that's his brother's fault. You should inform the police IMO. Your BF should be supportive of that because it's morally the right thing to do. And he should support his brother because he loves him by trying to encourage him to make changes. Otherwise he should just stand back and say 'Bro, this is your mess'. With all due respect, things like rape can only go unnoticed if people refuse to address them. Don't let this guy get away with it. He'll probably do it again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Priv Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) I'm sorry, but I find most of these responses very uninformed. By far most incidences of rape are date rape and in a very gray area as to whether it can be prosecuted or not. I would be very suprised if the police would even follow up on this incidence. That's not to say it wasn't rape, just that from a legal standpoint it would be very difficult to prove. What they can do is refer you, your BF, and roommate to victim counselling. But that's not the point. Meghann8, while understandable, you need to keep your anger in check. You have no right to either push for it, or you yourself press charges. Be there for your roommate, nothing else. If anything, try to get her professional help. As for the BF. He will probably never abandon his brother. He is family, and while it is easy to judge from the outside or over the internet, things aren't that easy when you find yourself in that situation. Again, while understandable Meghann8, you have no right to demand he abandons his brother or be judged by you. My guess is neither of them are talking to you because there traumatised, and all you are showing is anger. Don't you see your roommate AND BF are victims here? Both are dealing with heavy issues as guilt, helplesness, and anger. While you are in the middle of it, you are also the one on the outside. If you feel you can't face his brother, and you will keep resentment towards your BF for being in a awful situation, you do have every right to breakup with him. Edited February 13, 2014 by Priv 3 Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Meghan, it sounds like your BF's family has a lot issues - disgusting ones at that - and all he is doing is hiding his head n the sand. Why would you even consider being with someone who chooses to turn a blind eye to an obvious crime? Further more, why would you bring him to your apartment knowing he is ignoring the fact that his brother violated your roommate in the worse possible way?! If he had ANY sense of descency he would not come around your place unless he is there to offer HER support and encourage her to go to the police and report his brother's disgusting a**. By bringing your BF to your apartment you are perpetuating the abuse your roommate suffered hence that is why she hides in her room. I'm sure she feels assaulted all over again. There is no "I'm not sure what to do here." Doing what's right is your only option and you need to look at why YOU are questioning it in the first place. Your anger is justified and now ding what is right is the next step. Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Priv, any normal person would be angry this happened to someone. I'm confused, how is her BF traumatised? He knows his brother and due to the abusive nature of his family he is desensitized to the trauma his own blood inflicted upon another. He also has b*lls coming around the roommate when he knows she was raped by his own brother. I'm sorry, but that is disgusting. No rationalization in the world can excuse this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Priv Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 -Desillusioned about his brother whom he loves and trusts -Having to choose between family and GF -Seeing his relationship fall apart -Stigmitization for something out of his control, hell, see all the responses on this forum for evidence of stigmitization -Guilt he invited his brother to the party -Guilt that a family member could do this -Having no control of this situation whatsoever Need I continue? I never said she can not be angry. Besides the above, there is a blatant disregard for the roommates wishes, Hell, don't you think SHE SHOULD BE THE ONE TO DECIDE HOW TO PROCEED. Ugh... going to stop writing now as now I am getting angry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 If your roommate says she's OK and let it go she doesn't want to talk about it why do you have to keep bringing it up ? you already asked her if she wants your bf in the apartment she's okay with it. Why push the subject more? I figure she's accounting for some behavior that night too that's why she's also not pressing charges. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts