Advice Needed - Marriage seriously on the rocks. Emotional Affair?

[Leroy_Down]

I've been married only 3 years, but been with my partner for five. In that time we've had two young children plus her older son who lives with us. This has put some stresses on our relationship (no time to do much outside of the children). We are both 39.

 

We have had lots of ups and downs. Usually petty bickering and stony silences because both of us are rubbish at closing out arguments. These can sometimes last days. I definitely wouldn't call it the happiest marriage, but there are a lot of good things going for us. We enjoy each others company in the good times, have a great family, regular sex life and affection. I often think if we could just distant out the frequency of the arguments or learn to close them better things would be just fine. Don't get me wrong, we aren't always squabbling!!

 

After our last (relatively small) argument my partner has said we should split up as we just don't get along. She has also said she is unhappy with me because we have no fun and are incompatible. She sees no way of this changing. This is hurtful as I don't see these things. We often have spontaneous weekends away and holidays and I thought we were having fun! I am generally contended with my relationship and am no slacker - I have always made sure she feels love and affection, I'm not emotionally lazy.

 

2 weeks later and she is allowing me to show affection but not returning it. She says she loves me and if I say 'I love you', she returns it. She will hug and share a kiss (peck only). However all this is initiated by me. She remains distant and uncommunicative generally but is treating daily life fairly normally (she isn't particularly good at sharing her feelings, it doesn't come naturally for her). I asked her last night if we were going to split up and she simply said 'I don't know'.

 

This is the rub now. Through reading of facebook comms (of course you knew this was coming right?!) I unearthed she had been back in contact with an old male friend she was knocking about with when I first met her (the contact started about 4 months ago). 5 years into our relationship and suddenly she has re-instigated contact and definitely seems to be doing the lion-share of the chasing. Here are examples of her 'pseudo-intimate' correspondence:

 

"why do I get so excited when I hear from you'

'when is our next date'

'when are you free for some company'

'Don't you want to meet? *sad face*

He said 'you have a husband and family to look after' she ignored this comment.

 

The strange thing is that he wanted a piece of her action before I came along 5 years ago, when she was single, but he never featured other than as a friend for her as she (I believe genuinely) said she never fancied him. She said he was more like a brother figure to her, but she admitted to milking his interest a bit when she was single 'cos no harm in flirting. They had never kissed or anything sexual but were very cuddly. My wife can be touchy feely with people she doesn't fancy. She sees it totally harmless. After we hooked up she dropped his 'friendship' instantly.

 

Now five years later when she claims we have no fun and are incompatible and she is contacting a guy she once openly admitted to being one of the fun-est guys she knew. Coincidence?

 

She has met him once about 3 months ago, and withheld the truth from me, so I confronted her with the evidence. Of course I was also in the wrong for reading her messages. Stalemate. She claimed not to fancy him and valued his friendship and should be allowed to see who she likes. I said fine but don't lie about it!!!! She said she only withheld it because she knew how I would react (like duh!). She had to admit that they spent some time cuddling when they met because her clothes stunk of his aftershave. I said this was disrespectful as that is an intimate act and she should be coming to me for cuddles. She gave the 'it is just like cuddling my brother' line.

 

I have kept an eye on comms between them since this time and it is consistently inconsistent, not like an affair, but it is 'psedo-intimate' and he has been more stand offish than her. She is deleting all texts sent and received between them. I would say they exchange on average 5 texts in a day and then no contact for 5 days.

 

Now I am going away this weekend and I have learnt that she has invited him to our marital home for dinner and watch a dvd while I am away. I have asked her outright if she has any plans for the weekend, she said she has none. Again, withholding the truth despite what happened last time. I am unable to stand in their way as I don't want to show my hand again. Tonight I told her I am not going away now as we should spend time together and try and work things out. She said that she wants the weekend to have time to think and I should go. I said wont you be too busy with the kids to really think much anyway. She said no she would make time and make a decision about our future. During this conversation she was very cold with no eye contact. So basically she is choosing to focus on this guy and get to see him rather than to focus on our marriage. I almost feel like I am going to be directly compared to him and then what chance do I have - I'm currently miserable and out of favour and he's dynamic, single and above all FUN (I say this through gritted teeth grrrrr ).

 

Questions ( I particularly welcome female views):

 

1. Is she having an emotional affair? Gearing up for a physical affair? Or is he a plutonic friend to turn to?

2. What the f*ck should I do in this situation? My head is going in circles.

3. Is there another form of method like No Contact for marriages that aren't split up but on the verge that I should adopt, or should I be going all out to woo and win back my lovers heart. Right now I'm just being clingy, yuck.

4. Could she start fancying someone that she never used to fancy even when she was single and looking for love?

5. Do you feel this guy is a symptom or a cause of the recent surfacing of unhappiness?

6. Should I not go away this weekend anyway and cock-block. The downside to this is I will be delaying the process and maybe would prefer to let nature take its course anyway?

 

Sorry for the long post. And please reach out and respond, any constructive feedback is welcome. I need help .

Edited February 11, 2014 by Leroy_Down
Added info

[RightThere]

1. Is she having an emotional affair? Gearing up for a physical affair? Or is he a plutonic friend to turn to?

 

Emotional affair? Without a doubt. Physical affair? May already be happening. Especially considering she is so withdrawn from you physically. And "cuddling". I wouldn't buy that garbage for a minute. They did more than cuddle. You are getting "trickle truthed".

 

2. What the f*ck should I do in this situation? My head is going in circles.

3. Is there another form of method like No Contact for marriages that aren't split up but on the verge that I should adopt, or should I be going all out to woo and win back my lovers heart. Right now I'm just being clingy, yuck.

 

Same response for both. You are very early in the stages of being hyper-affectionate. Since it's having no effect on your wife, you should look at no contact rules. You aren't split up yet because she's getting the best of both worlds. This other guy for all the emotional fun stuff, and you to pay the bills.

 

4. Could she start fancying someone that she never used to fancy even when she was single and looking for love?

5. Do you feel this guy a symptom or a cause of the recent surfacing of unhappiness?

 

She is interested in him because they only have to deal with the fun part of a relationship. They get to talk, cuddle, watch DVDs, share stories. They don't have to deal with real life (paying a mortgage, dirty dishes, kids). He's not the cause. He's just a symptom of what's going on with your wife and your relationship with her.

 

6. Should I not go away this weekend anyway and cock-block. The downside to this is I will be delaying process and maybe would prefer to let nature take its course anyway?

 

That is tough. If you go away, rest assured he's going to bang the $%!# out of her. If you don't go away, she'll just resent you and you won't be repairing your relationship at all. My advice would be to not go away, but let your wife know this is no longer acceptable behavior. She can either be with you, or go and be with him. But she can't have both.

 

Sorry you are going through this.

[whichwayisup]

She is lusting after him and he doesn't seem to be that into it - If anything he is getting an ego feed out of it but that's it. She's also attached and getting used to how he makes her feel. Notice, it's about her, not him, not you.

She has detached emotionally from you and sadly, in her head she's decided (for now) to put you on the back burner and she's not interested, not sexually into you much right now. That all could come back asap, but only if she suffers some major consequences and sees what she could lose. I say, tell her to pack a bag and GO TO HIM. She can leave you and the kids, then pursue this guy or anybody else. DO not bat an eye and watch her reaction. Tell her she can come see the kids but she is no longer allowed to live at home as long as she is involved in an EA with this guy. (You know who he is? Is he married as well?)

 

She KNOWS she's up to no good and blaming you for snooping is an automatic reaction and shifting things like it's your fault. She's in a fog. Big time fog.

 

1. Is she having an emotional affair? Gearing up for a physical affair? Or is he a plutonic friend to turn to?

 

Yes. Possibly and chances are if they meet up again and again, something will happen. This is NOT an innocent friendship at all, it's selfish and one that is causing problems and is unhealthy.

2. What the f*ck should I do in this situation? My head is going in circles.

Tell her it's this guy or you. End the EA/PA and go to marriage counseling with you or she can move out. She cannot go on as things are now. Put your foot down and be strong. She feels like she can call the shots but that is not the case. You call the shots now.

3. Is there another form of method like No Contact for marriages that aren't split up but on the verge that I should adopt, or should I be going all out to woo and win back my lovers heart. Right now I'm just being clingy, yuck.

 

Stop being clingy, she needs to see you detached and being OK without her.

 

 

4. Could she start fancying someone that she never used to fancy even when she was single and looking for love?

 

Yes. Though not sure how to answer that one, maybe someone else can.

 

 

5. Do you feel this guy is a symptom or a cause of the recent surfacing of unhappiness?

 

She has lost that loving feeling and this guy (crush like feelings) have woken her up. She is addicted to how he makes her feel. This is NOT your fault at all, this is ALL on her. She is broken inside, whether it's attention, insecurity or just pure selfishness, she needs to grow up and own her actions/decisions and stop putting herself first above you and the kids. She is unhappy inside. It seems..

6. Should I not go away this weekend anyway and cock-block. The downside to this is I will be delaying the process and maybe would prefer to let nature take its course anyway?

 

Need to read the rest of your thread so I can understand more what you mean here..

[whichwayisup]

Now I am going away this weekend and I have learnt that she has invited him to our marital home for dinner and watch a dvd while I am away.

 

Take the kids to the grandparents, she is NOT to have them home around this guy. NO way!

 

Set her up. Make it seem like you're going away and then go somewhere else close by, ask a friend or a neighbour to tell you when he shows up, then wait 10 minutes or so, bust them. Really, this is so wrong. Your wife is lying and at best, cheating emotionally on you, probably has fooled around with this guy.

[RuralGuy]

Set her up. Make it seem like you're going away and then go somewhere else close by, ask a friend or a neighbour to tell you when he shows up, then wait 10 minutes or so, bust them.

 

While it would be good to have proof of an affair, it won't do him any good if he's in jail for assaulting/killing one or both of them after catching them in the act.

 

Perhaps some 'nanny cams' placed in the house where she is likely to be having sex with him, just in case? That way, he'd have proof, and a source of income (http://www.paytowatchmycheatingwifebangothermen.com).

[Yasuandio]

Go to PI store, and get the nanny cams or whatever. It wll be the best investment you'll ever make.

 

Do not bust in on them. Just act all clingy, worried and sorry. Go on your trip and apologize for being so suspicious (after u got the bugged). Put voice activated recorder in car.

 

Kids go to Grandmas.

 

You keep acting like dummy.

 

Collect evidence. Keep mouth shut. Yas