Men and Second Marriages

[M30USA]

In my unscientific observation, it seems that the second time most men marry, it's usually with a woman who would be considered less PHYSICALLY attractive by society's standards. (Notice I said PHYSICALLY. This is because beauty is complex and more than merely physical.)

 

Has anyone else noticed this? What is your take on this?

 

Note: Someone will surely say it's due to the fact that women are OLDER during second marriages. But even if you account for age and compare these women with photographs of them at the same age (back in time), I still believe my observation holds up.

Edited February 12, 2014 by M30USA

[oldshirt]

Generally people marry someone of their own league barring any kind of spoiler like being rich or a some kind of rock star/pro athlete/ celebrity etc.

If a guy has gotten fat, bald, wrinkled etc since his first marriage, the chances are his second wife isn't going to be any better than the first.

 

 

for example, I'm almost 50 years old. the last time I was single was 20 years ago. I had thick, dark hair, no wrinkles, a 32 inch waist and about 12% body fat back then. My wife was in the top 10 contestants for our state in the Miss Teen USA competition a few years before we started dating.

 

 

While I'm within 10 lbs of my weight back then I am not what I was in my 20s.

 

 

If I were to be divorced or widowed now, there is no way I would be able to pull anyone in my wife's league from back in the day.

 

 

If I were to remarry, it would be someone from my current league and not from my league 20 years ago.

 

 

The exception would be if someone had really improved in social status or greatly increased their own market value between their first and second marriage.

[FortunateSon]

I don't think this question is gender specific, I think the same can be said for women too.

[what_a_blonde]

Interesting...

 

I've known 2-3 men who have been on their 2nd marriage (all earlier than age 35). For all of them though, they actually married some pretty hot looking women... and these guys were really decent themselves.

 

Maybe those were a fluke, however that's just my observation. As for women and 2nd marriages... not sure.

[Allumere]

I think its random but in my own experience I would say folks were downgrading. In my eyes, if 2 of my ex's married me, I would have been upgrading in the looks department. The 3rd was not a pretty man by any stretch but he looked good to me. On the flip side, I would consider myself on the same looks level as their ex's.

 

2 of the exes are married or almost and I would say that they are in relationships with very attractive woman.

[MissBee]

In my unscientific observation, it seems that the second time most men marry, it's usually with a woman who would be considered less PHYSICALLY attractive by society's standards. (Notice I said PHYSICALLY. This is because beauty is complex and more than merely physical.)

 

Has anyone else noticed this? What is your take on this?

 

Note: Someone will surely say it's due to the fact that women are OLDER during second marriages. But even if you account for age and compare these women with photographs of them at the same age (back in time), I still believe my observation holds up.

 

I haven't noticed this as any kind of overwhelming trend.

 

The two second marriages I can think of, the second marriage of my ex, his first wife was prettier than his current. However, my aunt's second marriage, she is prettier than her husband's first wife.

[trippi1432]

by society's standards.

 

Why does everything have to be measured by society's standards?

[M30USA]

Why does everything have to be measured by society's standards?

 

What? My point is the exact opposite. Did you read my post?

[central]

I haven't noticed, but even if there's some truth to this, it's clearly not a universal truth. My second wife is far more beautiful than my first, controlling for age and any other variables you care to consider. YMMV.

[trippi1432]

What? My point is the exact opposite. Did you read my post?

 

Yes, I read it....but noted that again you bring up societies standards.....and yes, I noted some sarcasm in your post as well. Not being argumentative here, just noted it.

 

As far as physical attraction, I agree, beauty is complex. I do find it interesting when I hear men or women complain that their ex is with someone not as physically attractive as them.....my exH's wife is physically attractive. It is his own vanity that attracted him to her...I only know what my son deals with and the things he repeats and what his family thinks of her.....inside, she's not so attractive.

[M30USA]

Yes, I read it....but noted that again you bring up societies standards.....and yes, I noted some sarcasm in your post as well. Not being argumentative here, just noted it.

 

As far as physical attraction, I agree, beauty is complex. I do find it interesting when I hear men or women complain that their ex is with someone not as physically attractive as them.....my exH's wife is physically attractive. It is his own vanity that attracted him to her...I only know what my son deals with and the things he repeats and what his family thinks of her.....inside, she's not so attractive.

 

I'm not being sarcastic. If I remarry, I fully intend to find a woman whose character exceeds her physical beauty. Men only reach this point when they've learned the hard way,

[Grumpybutfun]

I'm not being sarcastic. If I remarry, I fully intend to find a woman whose character exceeds her physical beauty. Men only reach this point when they've learned the hard way,

 

My wife is bountiful with both great character and physical beauty. One does not exclude the other. Some unattractive women have no moral compass or empathy for others. That said, I think it is important to remember that not all women are like your crazy ex so just look for traits that show maturity, kindness, values, morals, stability and an ability to be compassionate and patient. Are you thinking of dating again?

Best,

Grumps

[M30USA]

You are right. Good character isn't limited to below average looks and bad character isn't limited to great looks.

 

I'm considering possibly dating again. There's this single mom at my church who started sitting right in front of me and every time I say hi to her she turns bright red, lol. She seems to be very caring. Sometimes people give off certain vibes and I've learned to trust these vibes. She has a peaceful and gentle vibe.

Edited February 12, 2014 by M30USA

[lolita jade]

When you are young, all you want to start a relationship, is for somebody to be pleasing on the eye!

 

When you grow older you realise that somebody can be not so good looking but their personality and sense of humour can be so addictive, kind or in tune with your own, that you want them, regardless of looks.

 

However, to put a slight downer on it, I was told by a male friend that no matter what a woman looked like, if she did the right things, he would have sex with her. Obviously, that is only his opinion but it does bring a whole new aspect into it.

 

[TaraMaiden]

You are right. Good character isn't limited to below average looks and bad character isn't limited to great looks.

 

I'm considering possibly dating again. There's this single mom at my church who started sitting right in front of me and every time I say hi to her she turns bright red, lol. She seems to be very caring. Sometimes people give off certain vibes and I've learned to trust these vibes. She has a peaceful and gentle vibe.

 

....But...?

She's fatter/uglier/more wrinkled/less shapely than your first wife?

 

Is that what you're saying?

[M30USA]

It helps that I've been freed from porn addiction. I was a fool to think that I wouldn't see any negative consequences from it. But when the bible says that God cannot me mocked and we reap what we sow, it's dead serious. It doesn't matter of you're Christian even. You're gonna reap what you sow. The deceptive part is that it's never in the form you think it will be in. The consequences come in a form you'd NEVER expect. I could not have predicted the negative consequences of porn. If I tried to predict them, I would have guessed other things.

[iris219]

It's impossible to make that sort of generalization.

 

I personally haven't noticed this at all. I've noticed many people date/marry people of similar attractiveness and looks. Often their 1st and 2nd wife remind me of each other.

 

My bf and I will be married at some point soon. I'm 34 and way more attractive than his ex wife was when she 21 because she simply wasn't/isn't pretty. We're the same age, but I've aged better due to a healthier lifestyle.

[cozycottagelg]

When you are in love with somebody, they are attractive to you. You can find every single great quality that they possess and it makes them look better and better.

 

And likewise, if someone has poor qualities, they can become extremely ugly.

[lolita jade]

It's impossible to make that sort of generalization.

 

I personally haven't noticed this at all. I've noticed many people date/marry people of similar attractiveness and looks. Often their 1st and 2nd wife remind me of each other.

 

My bf and I will be married at some point soon. I'm 34 and way more attractive than his ex wife was when she 21 because she simply wasn't/isn't pretty. We're the same age, but I've aged better due to a healthier lifestyle.

One last thing...... People say, my ex's new girlfriend looks like me.........She may look like me but her personality is completely different and she is not me!!!

[M30USA]

Can anyone confirm for me that a woman blushing means she likes you? This girl at church started sitting in front of me. Every time I see her, she is blushing. Honestly I have hardly talked with her other than brief comments or introducing myself. One time she leaned back and answered a question that my boy asked me which I didn't know. I thought that was cute. But it doesn't seem like she smiles. And she doesn't talk too much. These last 2 reasons are why I'm hesitant to assume she likes me. She could just be extremely shy.

[CarrieT]

Can anyone confirm for me that a woman blushing means she likes you?

Nope. Like you said, she might be extremely shy.

 

She might suffer from rosacea.

 

The only confirmation you can get is to continue talking to her and ask her on a date.

[trippi1432]

When you are in love with somebody, they are attractive to you. You can find every single great quality that they possess and it makes them look better and better.

 

And likewise, if someone has poor qualities, they can become extremely ugly.

 

One last thing...... People say, my ex's new girlfriend looks like me.........She may look like me but her personality is completely different and she is not me!!!

 

This and this exactly. Lolita, my Doppleganger replacement isn't me either, but they certainly replicated the same issues he and I had.

[Darl]

I think your idea is untrue. And it's certainly untrue that men themselves find their second wives less attractive. Perhaps you think "attractiveness" is what you think it is and not something a little mysteriouser and mysteriouser than you've imagined?

 

Many of my men friends have been divorced. I've talked over this with them. One of the things that they sought in a second wife or lover --the chief thing in fact-- was a sexually arousing passionate woman who knew how to love them intimately and who wasn't a liar and a cheat. Two of them told me that their wives were priggish and therefore terribly frustrating. After years of torment, they found their wives ugly -- no matter what others thought.

[RightThere]

I find most men trade up (physically) while most women trade down (physically) in their second marriage.

 

But that just based on my gawking around passing judgement on people I see.

[FortunateSon]

I found in my observations women often tend to trade down physically in their second marriages. Maybe this is because the men the second time around are plainer, safer choice for women are looking for stability rather than lust and attraction that may have been more appealing when younger.