boyfriend doesn't want to hear ANYTHING about dating past

[Gaeta]

I would like to add, although I think you could easily avoid talking about your exs out of consideration, it's still important to be with a person mature enough to understand we have a past.

 

Example: 1 month after I met my boyfriend my ex-husband died unexpectedly. Him and I spent 15 years together, whether or not we had a happy marriage is not the point, we spent a big chunk of our lives together and he is the father of my child. I was completely broken down and seeing my daughter lose her father was harder than anything else. My new boyfriend offered support, comfort and understanding. I did not need to explain my pain to him, he understood. You think your new man would be able to do that for you? If not then he has serious issues.

[HappyLove]

I think we are now getting a bit more of the truth as to why your bf feels this way. You see your past loves as love at first site and him as well, ordinary and just so happened to fall in love. No man or woman wants to know that, and if my man told me how it was love at first site with his other relationships but oh it's ok I love you too, I'd leave him where he stands. How can you not feel a bit crushed knowing that? This is what you want to share with your man? 'Oh honey, you just don't understand why I'm the way I am because my other relationships had a special love, one you need to understand.' Sounds like your not over your ex's and that's why you need to bring them up. Did you ever have any alone time, experienced things on your own? Sounds like you and your ex's were always up each other's bums.

 

Do what you want but just know that you ignoring his simple request says a lot more about you than it does him.

[lamaga]

I think we are now getting a bit more of the truth as to why your bf feels this way. You see your past loves as love at first site and him as well, ordinary and just so happened to fall in love. No man or woman wants to know that, and if my man told me how it was love at first site with his other relationships but oh it's ok I love you too, I'd leave him where he stands. How can you not feel a bit crushed knowing that? This is what you want to share with your man? 'Oh honey, you just don't understand why I'm the way I am because my other relationships had a special love, one you need to understand.' Sounds like your not over your ex's and that's why you need to bring them up. Did you ever have any alone time, experienced things on your own? Sounds like you and your ex's were always up each other's bums.

 

Do what you want but just know that you ignoring his simple request says a lot more about you than it does him.

 

I have never even told him this. So what you say doesn't make any sense.

 

Besides, yes, I have had plenty of alone time, and no, I am not in love with any of my exes anymore. I very much love my boyfriend and I don't hang on to any feelings from the past.

[tlegend]

I was under the impression you were constantly bringing up your exes and comparing your current boyfriend with them.

 

Sharing some music you made while in a band with your ex? I fail to see why he doesn't want to hear any of the music. It's just as much yours as it is his (unless of course ...your ex wrote the song and you simply played an instrument).

 

I do see his side, but maybe you could work into a conversation at some point that you are with him, and you are in love with him, and with that being said, he can't discount the experiences and people who made you who you are today....which is supposedly the person he loves.

 

My 2 cents.

[StanMusial]

I learned to leave my past gf's out of my numerous tales, adventures, and anecdotes. So can you.

[Poppygoodwill]

This is bad advice. If you have nothing better to do than sit around talking about previous relationships, do yourself a favor and dump him now.

 

What's wrong with saying "I" when taking about experiences? Then they have an opportunity to ask, rather than having it thrust upon them.

 

OP, this is what your girlfriends are for. Not your man.

 

You're exaggerating what she said. She said a few times in several months. No one is talking about bringing it up constantly. pay attention, wouldya?

[MidwestUSA]

There is another possibility. It may not be 'jealousy' per se, of the ex boyfriends, but simply the fact that so much of your short time in life has been in relationships. I didn't total it up; I did see that you had one 3.5 year relationship, and two others that were significant. He could actually feel intimidated by this, especially if he hasn't even been in one of any significant length. Just food for thought. He may be wondering how he measures up (no bad pun intended) in that regard, wondering if he is good LTR material.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Besides, yes, I have had plenty of alone time, and no, I am not in love with any of my exes anymore. I very much love my boyfriend and I don't hang on to any feelings from the past.

 

Wait a minute... I thought you'd been together for ten weeks?

 

Is it possible your boyfriend is picking up on the fact that you say you love him, while you haven't actually been with him long enough to grow feelings as deeply as that? I know it's subjective, and I've made that mistake before once of thinking it was love after a couple of months, but ten weeks isn't much time at all to believe you 'very much love' somebody. Maybe he feels that the profession of love is a little meaningless at this stage?

[pickflicker]

You're exaggerating what she said. She said a few times in several months. No one is talking about bringing it up constantly. pay attention, wouldya?

 

2.5 months is not "several months". Now whose exaggerating?

 

My reasoning still stands. Talk about your ex to your girlfriends, not your new boyfriend.

[lamaga]

Wait a minute... I thought you'd been together for ten weeks?

 

Is it possible your boyfriend is picking up on the fact that you say you love him, while you haven't actually been with him long enough to grow feelings as deeply as that? I know it's subjective, and I've made that mistake before once of thinking it was love after a couple of months, but ten weeks isn't much time at all to believe you 'very much love' somebody. Maybe he feels that the profession of love is a little meaningless at this stage?

 

I am in love with him! I haven't told him this of course, since I think saying "I love you" is a different thing than falling in love with someone and figuring out how all of this makes sense... And so we haven't exchanged those words yet. I think at this point we are on the same page.

 

There is another possibility. It may not be 'jealousy' per se, of the ex boyfriends, but simply the fact that so much of your short time in life has been in relationships. I didn't total it up; I did see that you had one 3.5 year relationship, and two others that were significant. He could actually feel intimidated by this, especially if he hasn't even been in one of any significant length. Just food for thought. He may be wondering how he measures up (no bad pun intended) in that regard, wondering if he is good LTR material.

 

 

He was in a 2 year relationship as far as I know. That's all I know. I think he is LTR kind of guy, an all or nothing kind of guy, so we both are looking for the same thing. Just that he is developing this relationship at a slower speed than I am, because I am used to falling head over heels. This is what I meant by it being new to me, to fall in love so slowly, but I enjoy it very much, every bit of it.

[Phantom888]

Purely depends on context. I don't like to hear about my GF's experiences with her exes either, but I don't go nuts over it. Sometimes it makes me feel sad that her exes mistreated her. But we are happy now, and it helps. My GF knows how I feel, so she keeps her past stories to a minimum, which she is okay with. We have a very exciting and happy life right now, with our kids and everything. Her past experiences pale in comparison, so she really have no incentive to bring things up, especially knowing my reaction.

 

I think you should respect your man's request. Yes he is a bit insecure, but he is allowed to be.

[StanMusial]

If I remember you correctly, it seems you have made some other complaints about this guy.

 

I think you need to accept the nature of your relationship. He's 22. You're 5? years older. These are minor issues in the grand scheme of things that you either learn to deal with or you're going to be posting how this thing flamed out.

 

Observe.

Compromise.

Deal.

[Shaun-Dro]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2,5 months now. We are very happy, but of course there are a few issues (ex. our communication when we are NOT spending physical time together - but that's for another day!)... and the latest one that kind of bothers me is that he seems to get really weird whenever I just SLIGHTLY mention an ex-boyfriend. It's not that I go about telling how great an exboyfriend was - but sometimes I would tell a story from my past that happens to have an exboyfriend in it, because, well, I am 27 in a week, and I have been in a few relationships by now and they were part of my life.

 

My boyfriend is about to turn 22, and therefor 5 years younger. He seems pretty confident (he is very attractive and has a lot of girls interested in him whenever we go out to a club together), and doesn't seem to have any insecurity issues... so there goes that... but for some reason when I just start to mention an ex, he rolls his eyes and cuts me off and says "I don't ever want to hear about any of those guys!".

 

It's not like I talk about exes all the time, this happened maybe 3-4 times since we started dating. However, every time his reaction was REALLY extreme, and he was mad afterwards for about 10 minutes at least each time.

 

WE are both German but he has Italian roots and is the typical Italian macho you would imagine. But at the same time he is very loyal, for example, when we would watch a TV show where someone cheats on their partner he gets angry at that, or when I told him how my roommate is dating two guys at once, one of which he really likes, he got so mad that he said "How could she do this to him, he is such a great guy! I really want to beat up the other guy, but let's not ruin this party!" (he said this when he was drunk though).,..

He is a very mature guy but whenever it is about exes or loyalty, he turns into this weird jealous guy who doesn't fit with the person he usually is. He needs his independence and we spend as much time together as we do apart, so it's not like he is clingy or anything like that. The relationship is pretty healthy otherwise.

 

I feel, honestly, very bothered by this. I don't want to feel like I have to hold back whenever I want to tell a story from my past. I find it normal that you talk a bit about your past experiences, it's not like I give him a list of guys I slept with, but one shouldn't freak out over their partner mentioning an ex in a story - it's part of my life, after all. However, he made it very very clear to me that he never ever wants to hear anything about my sexual/dating past.

 

I wouldn't want to hear anything about your past sex life either because it is quite irrelevant to where you stand in your current relationship. You do need to focus ont that and not on what went on with ex's since these guys no longer exist inside your world.

[BradJacobs]

and doesn't seem to have any insecurity issues... so there goes that... but for some reason when I just start to mention an ex, he rolls his eyes and cuts me off and says "I don't ever want to hear about any of those guys!".

 

You are delusional if you think his responses aren't due to insecurity.

 

Here's why I think that ...

 

He's just turning 22 which will make him five years younger than you. So he was 21 when you met 2.5 months ago and I'm going to guess the way that you phrased it makes you 27 the entire time that you've known him?

 

If you and he started to date around the age of 16 that means you have 11 years of dating experience while he has 5 (give or take). You constantly throwing your exes into stories is a constant reminder of this gap in experience, thus he is having this shoved in his face at least once every 2.5 weeks.

 

In time he will hopefully outgrow this but he's 21 going on 22 ... the chances you'll see that growth from him are slim. Even slimmer if you continue to do it after he's told you not to.

[pteromom]

The posters here are acting as if you are telling him romantic stories or something.

 

You should be able to share your music with your boyfriend.

You should be able to talk about how your past abusive relationship has shaped some of your attitudes, responses, and triggers.

You should be able to show him all of who you are.

 

It's definitely a maturity issue, and if you continue this relationship, you are going to have to just back off and move forward on this issue very slowly. Try to show him as much of yourself as you can without bringing your past into it at all.

 

Sounds tiring and frustrating to me though.

[blueskyday]

Oh my! Only mention an ex if you are asked. As in, "I went to Italy once." He asks, "With whom?" You answer, "My ex, Brian."

 

Of course, you will need to mention the major relationships you've had when giving your (short) histories. Never compliment an ex, though. If you are asked directly about an attribute and must answer in a complimentary way, then also mention a very negative thing about him. "Yes, Brian was a professional athlete. I guess he had nice body and was rich, but he was so insensitive and dull...besides his penis was very tiny!" Haha

[blueskyday]

Sorry for double post. I just read previous posters comments. I agree. You need to talk about your past and how relationships have affected you. The key there is to stay focused on yourself and your feelings.

 

Really, though I think guys just want to be the best you've ever had, in all departments!

[Tayken]

You're exaggerating what she said. She said a few times in several months. No one is talking about bringing it up constantly. pay attention, wouldya?

 

I am glad I am not the only one that notices this about this poster

[pickflicker]

I am glad I am not the only one that notices this about this poster

 

Awww... new friend!

[fortyninethousand322]

I think he's acting perfectly fine. If I ever have the privilege of being in a relationship I will not want to know one thing about her past.

 

Let me pretend I'm the first and best she's been with. That's all I ask...

[ascendotum]

This is bad advice. If you have nothing better to do than sit around talking about previous relationships, do yourself a favor and dump him now.

 

What's wrong with saying "I" when taking about experiences? Then they have an opportunity to ask, rather than having it thrust upon them.

 

OP, this is what your girlfriends are for. Not your man.

 

Geez I think you and a couple of other people here are assuming too much with : "If you have nothing better to do than sit around talking about previous relationships"....like she mentions & reminisces about exes most days of the week and bangs on about all the great times she had with so&so and so&so with many topics that come up in discussions where she tries to slot in a story about one of her exes.

I'm sure its not like she is obsessed with tlaking about her exes. I'm sure its just on the odd occasions that she brings it up but he is overly sensitive to it. Personally I couldn't give a **** if my gf mentions about how she visited this city with her ex or saw this rock concert with her ex, or used to go sailing with an ex, or used to live in this great house/suburb with an ex or used to go to great business functions with an ex who worked in marketing or had ex who was in hospital for 7 mths after crashing his ducati or whatever. It doesn't phase me, as long as she doesn't bang on about how great the ex was or keep telling the same story all the time.

 

Guys getting upset about their gf having slept with dozens of guys I get, but not being that sensitive to not to want to hear about her past at all during the times she was in a relationship is too extreme for me.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Oh my! Only mention an ex if you are asked. As in, "I went to Italy once." He asks, "With whom?" You answer, "My ex, Brian."

 

Of course, you will need to mention the major relationships you've had when giving your (short) histories. Never compliment an ex, though. If you are asked directly about an attribute and must answer in a complimentary way, then also mention a very negative thing about him. "Yes, Brian was a professional athlete. I guess he had nice body and was rich, but he was so insensitive and dull...besides his penis was very tiny!" Haha

 

Urgh I would be so turned off if a partner felt it necessary to slag their ex off to me! I don't need to hear that crap, it just suggests that you're either petty or not over the relationship. I actually look for a man that mentions exes with respect, if and when necessary. More 'she was a good person but we just weren't right for one another' than 'yeah she was a great cook but man, the size of her thighs!'. You shouldn't need to put down an ex (who is no longer there to defend themselves) to assuage someone's insecurity.

[BradJacobs]

being that sensitive to not to want to hear about her past at all during the times she was in a relationship is too extreme for me.

Girls mentioning exes every two and a half weeks when they've been told not to would be too disrespectful for me.

 

We all have pasts. I don't need to constantly bring mine up as some kind of validation play in the relationship when I know it would upset the person that I'm with.

[lino]

Girls mentioning exes every two and a half weeks when they've been told not to would be too disrespectful for me.

 

We all have pasts. I don't need to constantly bring mine up as some kind of validation play in the relationship when I know it would upset the person that I'm with.

Exactly.

 

I don't see why it's so hard to understand that guys don't want to hear about ex boyfriends.

 

For me the insecure one is the person that continually brings up exes, as if they need to constantly remind their boyfriend all these guys in the past wanted them. Pretty pathetic in my view.

Edited February 13, 2014 by lino
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