boyfriend doesn't want to hear ANYTHING about dating past

[lamaga]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2,5 months now. We are very happy, but of course there are a few issues (ex. our communication when we are NOT spending physical time together - but that's for another day!)... and the latest one that kind of bothers me is that he seems to get really weird whenever I just SLIGHTLY mention an ex-boyfriend. It's not that I go about telling how great an exboyfriend was - but sometimes I would tell a story from my past that happens to have an exboyfriend in it, because, well, I am 27 in a week, and I have been in a few relationships by now and they were part of my life.

 

My boyfriend is about to turn 22, and therefor 5 years younger. He seems pretty confident (he is very attractive and has a lot of girls interested in him whenever we go out to a club together), and doesn't seem to have any insecurity issues... so there goes that... but for some reason when I just start to mention an ex, he rolls his eyes and cuts me off and says "I don't ever want to hear about any of those guys!".

 

It's not like I talk about exes all the time, this happened maybe 3-4 times since we started dating. However, every time his reaction was REALLY extreme, and he was mad afterwards for about 10 minutes at least each time.

 

WE are both German but he has Italian roots and is the typical Italian macho you would imagine. But at the same time he is very loyal, for example, when we would watch a TV show where someone cheats on their partner he gets angry at that, or when I told him how my roommate is dating two guys at once, one of which he really likes, he got so mad that he said "How could she do this to him, he is such a great guy! I really want to beat up the other guy, but let's not ruin this party!" (he said this when he was drunk though).,..

He is a very mature guy but whenever it is about exes or loyalty, he turns into this weird jealous guy who doesn't fit with the person he usually is. He needs his independence and we spend as much time together as we do apart, so it's not like he is clingy or anything like that. The relationship is pretty healthy otherwise.

 

I feel, honestly, very bothered by this. I don't want to feel like I have to hold back whenever I want to tell a story from my past. I find it normal that you talk a bit about your past experiences, it's not like I give him a list of guys I slept with, but one shouldn't freak out over their partner mentioning an ex in a story - it's part of my life, after all. However, he made it very very clear to me that he never ever wants to hear anything about my sexual/dating past.

 

What is his problem?

How can I make this problem disappear?

And how can I show him to open up a bit more and not freak out about these things?

Edited February 12, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pickflicker]

What is his problem?

 

He doesn't want to think about you and your exes. It should be a more normal reaction, but sadly, so many people are intent on digging up the past.

 

How can I make this problem disappear?

 

You can't.

 

And how can I show him to open up a bit more and not freak out about these things?

 

Why is it necessary to know anything about his dating past? Can't you focus on how he treats you in the present?

 

 

Answers in bold....

Edited February 12, 2014 by pickflicker

[Keenly]

There isn't a man on the planet that wants to think about their woman being with another man like that.

 

 

Possible he had an ex that talked about her exes all the time like I did. Now I know to put a stop to that when it happens because it can build resentment very easily.

[HappyLove]

Even if his reason is unreasonable you should respect it. Bringing up your ex's 4 times in 2.5 months, especially after being asked not to is A LOT. What man wants to hear about your past sexual/boyfriend history? At least he told you how he feels and if you keep doing it, it's very disrespectful. Do you really want to hear about that great time he had with his ex, oh and that other great time this other ex did something else? I think you should respect him and not do it.

[mortensorchid]

I usually don't talk about bfs past, in the fact that I would tell the one before me how they made me feel. Sometimes I would tell an anecdote or two about them if it's relevant, but I don't talk about "our past" in those terms. It keeps a bit of mystery about me to them. Surely they know that I must have had some kind of a past, but I keep it on the downlow just because.

[Tayken]

@ OP.....As mentioned, no man in their right mind, wants to hear about their new partner / wife go on about their ex during conversations. The image is one that we can't comprehend...someone else banging your woman, you just don't want to think / see it

 

If you women are doing it to get a reaction, don't

[Andyy]

Well I've been with my GF for 5.5 years, since we were both 19 y/o.

 

She's never slept with another man.

 

And after all this time I still hate hearing about her ex's, even in the most trivial manner. Not F'ing interested. Don't care.

 

 

Because if you keep mentioning them (and 4 times in 2.5 months is a fair few IMO) it just makes him feel like you're still thinking of them - are you thinking of them when you kiss him? Have sex with him? Etc etc.

 

Men hate it because it looks like you haven't moved on. Memories are fine, just keep them in your head where they belong or share them with somebody outside the relationship. He will never want to know most likely. And that's normal.

[Andyy]

Oh and in the same vein I find it inappropriate of myself if I mention my ex-GF's to my current GF unless necessary or very relevant. I avoid it like the plague.

 

You need to make one another feel like they are the single greatest person you have ever met and everybody else pales in comparison.

[lino]

Most guys aren't interested in their girl's exes.

 

Perhaps find stories to talk about than ones involving ex boyfriends?

 

I never mention stuff about my ex girlfriends to my girl. In fact, only time I've ever talked about them with her was when she asked.

[Poppygoodwill]

I take a different view. You are a person with a history and a past and you shouldn't have to hide and pretend you have no past, just to coddle the insecurities of another. He will surely come to understand this when he is a bit older and has a past of his own. Then he'll find it odd that he's supposed to talk about a concert he went to or a trip he went on as if he was alone...as if for long periods when he was in a relationship he has to present those years as if he did everything on his own in that time. Or never refer to anything he did at all if he did it with a past gf. It's ridiculous.

 

As long as you don't go into gory details then you're on solid ground. I wouldn't indulge him. I would go ahead and tell your stories as approproiate and if he can't handle it then let it be his problem.

 

I also wonder about the slippery slope here....what other insecurities does he have that you are going to have to twist yourself into a knot to accommodate?

[meghann8]

My guy also acts weird when I talk about other guys too. The solution? Instead of using the word "ex-boyfriend" say "friend." That way, you get to tell your story without him being sidetracked by the thought of you knowing other males exist and can enjoy your story.

[tlegend]

My guy also acts weird when I talk about other guys too. The solution? Instead of using the word "ex-boyfriend" say "friend." That way, you get to tell your story without him being sidetracked by the thought of you knowing other males exist and can enjoy your story.

 

Or you could take the hint by the multitude of men who are agreeing in this very thread that we truly do not want to hear about other guys. Your approach isn't classy at all, you are using deception to gain an advantage (being able to tell your story).

 

You want to talk about exes with your boyfriend? Find one who wants to hear about them.

 

Note - I'm not being a dick, I really am not trying to be.

[pickflicker]

Or you could take the hint by the multitude of men who are agreeing in this very thread that we truly do not want to hear about other guys. Your approach isn't classy at all, you are using deception to gain an advantage (being able to tell your story).

 

You want to talk about exes with your boyfriend? Find one who wants to hear about them.

 

Note - I'm not being a dick, I really am not trying to be.

 

And women! I don't want to talk about my exes with new boys! And I don't care about the woman he dated before me!

 

God, if she feels such a need to talk about your ex so much that you have to lie about their role in your story, maybe she should be with th ex instead.

[pickflicker]

I take a different view. You are a person with a history and a past and you shouldn't have to hide and pretend you have no past, just to coddle the insecurities of another. He will surely come to understand this when he is a bit older and has a past of his own. Then he'll find it odd that he's supposed to talk about a concert he went to or a trip he went on as if he was alone...as if for long periods when he was in a relationship he has to present those years as if he did everything on his own in that time. Or never refer to anything he did at all if he did it with a past gf. It's ridiculous.

 

As long as you don't go into gory details then you're on solid ground. I wouldn't indulge him. I would go ahead and tell your stories as approproiate and if he can't handle it then let it be his problem.

 

I also wonder about the slippery slope here....what other insecurities does he have that you are going to have to twist yourself into a knot to accommodate?

 

This is bad advice. If you have nothing better to do than sit around talking about previous relationships, do yourself a favor and dump him now.

 

What's wrong with saying "I" when taking about experiences? Then they have an opportunity to ask, rather than having it thrust upon them.

 

OP, this is what your girlfriends are for. Not your man.

[Andy_K]

I have to disagree with most of the other male posters here. Your partner's reaction shows both insecurity and immaturity. Some guys will never grow out of it.

 

It can be perfectly valid to mention an ex in conversation for any number of reasons. If he's not cool with that he should grow a pair. People have a past. If it's just an occasional mention when relevant to some other conversation, that is not a problem.

 

If you were constantly bringing up the ex out of the blue, that would be very different and he'd be justified in feeling a little put out. But that's not the case here.

[Gaeta]

A lot of it is immaturity but:

 

I am 48, I was married twice, then I was single for 8 years and had tons of boyfriends and somehow I never talk about any of them to my current boyfriend. I know even if he's a mature grown man it's not something he wants to hear about. If I have a story to tell I leave the ex boyfriend part out or I just don't mention I was with an ex boyfriend when I visited such and such place. If I am able to do that with 30 years of history with different men you can do it with your short dating history.

[Tayken]

A lot of it is immaturity but:

 

I am 48, I was married twice, then I was single for 8 years and had tons of boyfriends and somehow I never talk about any of them to my current boyfriend. I know even if he's a mature grown man it's not something he wants to hear about. If I have a story to tell I leave the ex boyfriend part out or I just don't mention I was with an ex boyfriend when I visited such and such place. If I am able to do that with 30 years of history with different men you can do it with your short dating history.

 

 

And don't for a second think we men don't know that you've been around...especially if you've been married twice and you are only 48. We are able to figure out that you started very young, there have been men (some you still have a thing for), we just don't want to be hearing it from ya...keep the past where it belongs

 

It's also a turn off for me, and can become a passion killer like a TV in the bedroom

[lamaga]

Oh my goodness, so many replies...

Ok, first thing I need to mention: I don't ever go on talking about my exboyfriends as if I still have feelings for any of them - and I don't have feelings for any of them.

You said it is too much to bring up an ex 4 times in 2,5 months. Let me give you my examples:

 

1) I am a musician and I used to play in a band with an exboyfriend of mine, who I was in a relationship with for 3,5 years. We lived together in different parts of the world and played our music. I am very proud of the music we played, yet I can't show it to my current boyfriend: because he said he doesn't want to hear the music I did with my exboyfriend. This makes me incredibly sad, because I am very proud of the music I made back then. Also, I broke off with this boyfriend 4 years ago - and we are now good friends working on music again, but my current boyfriend just doesn't want to hear any of it. I just don't see where the problem is.

 

2) I was in a verbally & physically abusive relationship a few years back. It was very difficult for me and it actually scarred me deeply on an emotional level. Sometimes I get very insecure in my current relationship, simply because of how I was treated in this relationship. I know this is a new relationship, but everybody who tells me now "This is not the same guy, get over it" mustn't understand what it feels like to get over the emotional damage that was done to a person in such a relationship. So sometimes when I get insecure in my relationship I would like to explain to my boyfriend why that is, but once I tried and the moment I said "I once was in a relationship where..." he shuts me up and says he doesn't want to hear it. I even said "I think this is important" and he said "No, don't want to hear it". I really would like to talk to him about this, because I believe he would understand better why I sometimes act in a certain way, but I can't because he insists every time for me to not keep talking when I start to mention a past relationship.

 

3) All my relationships in the past (I had 3 significant long ones) started with love at first side that was mutual. I have never experienced to just ask someone out out of interest, date them for a few months and then becoming boyfriend and girlfriend and falling in love. This is the first time this is happening to me now with my current boyfriend, and I truly enjoy this new experience. But because I have never done it 'this way' (I know, it's how normal people do it, I guess I am out of the ordinary), I sometimes maybe am a bit too enthusiastic, or a bit weird in my ways of going about the relationship... And I would love to explain to him why, but again, I can't.

 

These are just the 3 main examples I can think of where I mentioned "exboyfriend" and he shut me off.

 

 

Are those really that bad? Am I so off here? I just don't get what is wrong with sharing these three stories with my boyfriend, since I believe they are important for the growth of our relationship and for him understanding who I am.

[Andyy]

Of course it's a bit silly if he blows up completely at a small mention.

 

But it's like poking a bee hive with a stick.

 

Of course they don't like it. And you should know better than to do it unless necessary.

 

 

The majority of men are agreeing on this point for this exact reason and if that coupled with the actual reaction of your current BF isn't enough to make you reconsider your behaviour then be prepared for more blowups.

[Andyy]

I was writing my last post when you posts yours so I didn't see that first.

 

Tbh it sounds like you both really need to chill.

 

About the music, I don't see why you have to make the ex-bf a big part of the deal. Couldn't you just say 'this is some music I made a while ago'? Because I can see how it must look from his perspective. You shared a fun time travelling with a guy, wrote some of your best material together, and now you're doing it again with him. Must make your current bf feel a bit insecure to know that you associate your ex with these positive things and now you're spending time with him again.

 

About the abusive relationship. I'm so sorry to hear you had to endure that for so long. It's a pity he didn't listen to you because it's obviously very important. However unless it's an issue that needs to be addressed I would suggest leaving it until you really need to and, like your other friends have said, just remember he isn't that guy.

 

Final point. Tbh I don't think he would care that this relationship is progressing differently to previous ones. I personally wouldn't want to hear about how my GF's last three major relationships were all full-speed love-at-first-sight experiences. Focus on the present and stop comparing or relating it to the past. He probably doesn't want to be measured up against those other guys - even if he comes out on top.

 

 

After reading those 3 points a small part of me is wondering if you have fully moved on yet? I don't think its natural to think of your ex's that often personally. That's just my opinion though.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I used to be like him. I used to have super bad retroactive jealousy. With my first 'serious' boyfriend of four years (from 18-22) I was SO jealous it was ridiculous looking back. I think it began when we got together, I wasn't jealous about anything or anyone but he was very possessive and jealous about certain things (what I wore, for example) and somehow I wound up being super jealous in return, but about exes. I would HATE the thought of him ever even thinking about his ex. I'd feel uncomfortable if he went to a place where she might be. I was sad when he got into the same university as her even though it was separate courses and separate intakes. I was furious and devastated when she got in touch to ask if he had these scenery photos they'd taken together on a trip once. The mention of the country they went to together made me feel jealous (even in a different context). Once, his friend mentioned her around me, and I was so upset I left. Seriously, looking back it is scary. I think it stemmed from insecurity that he had a serious relationship in his past and I didn't, I felt like he was so much more experienced than me. Eventually we split up. And since then, funnily enough, now I have my own serious relationship under my belt, I don't care about any of that.

 

Boyfriends since then have mentioned their exes in conversation and I don't care, it barely registers. The other night my very new boyfriend made an offhand comment when I asked him if anybody else had ever told him he talks in his sleep that in his last relationship in 18 months, she'd told him maybe once every two months that he was talking in his sleep, and that she'd have killed him if he did it to her as much as he has been doing it around me since we got together. I just laughed and said I wouldn't have blamed her. Something that innocuous would have driven me around the twist before, chewing myself up that his ex was with him longer than I've been, torturing myself with the thought of them in bed together, worrying about the fact that they're still facebook friends and how to tell him I wanted him to delete her. Now, I just don't care. You have no idea how enormously liberating it is. I have my own serious exes now that I have memories with and enough experience to know that they are JUST memories, people rarely sit and think about them, even if they do they're just a part of your history that is dead and buried. Before my own serious relationships I had none of this insight and was convinced that my first serious boyfriend must always have his ex on his brain seeing as she was 'such a big part of his life'. I knew that my recent ex's ex was part of their mutual social circle and that he often saw her around at parties and gatherings and it didn't really bother me. In comparison with a time when the mere fact that my serious boyfriend had looked at their mutual friend's facebook page and accidentally seen a photo of his ex at her graduation caused a major meltdown. It's scary looking back how irrational I was.

 

I don't know what the point of me saying all this is, but I would guess it stems from your difference in experience levels to be honest. He probably feels insecure that you have a history he can't compete with. Nobody particularly likes hearing about the exes, and I don't think once a fortnight is necessarily MASSIVE amounts of times for the ex to come up, depending on the scenario. I mean, it could be that you mentioned a time you were in Paris, and your bf asked 'oh, who with?' and you had no choice but to tell him it was with your ex. If you're hanging out and speaking a lot and learning about one another's histories then once a fortnight for an ex to crop up in discussion isn't necessarily loads.

 

I think his age and maturity levels are what's at play here. Sure, do your best not to ever instigate 'ex stories' but you can't whitewash your history to avoid any instance of an ex cropping up. If you are telling a story about something that happened around an ex, don't mention them. If your bf asks, then he needs to be man enough to accept the answer when you tell him 'yes, it was with *ex*'. It's up to him whether to ask or not. If you want to reassure him you can always say something like 'everything happens for a reason and I'm glad those relationships didn't work out, or I wouldn't have met you' but don't baby him about it. Personally I couldn't be doing with the stress or hassle of this kind of dynamic any more, not when as you say in your mid-late twenties you have a past and ex partners are weaved throughout that past. I like that it's not a big deal to mention 'when my ex and I were in *country* this happened' or at the very least to be able to talk about things that happened with the ex without mentioning them, without fear that your partner is going to grill you on who was there and then blow up at you.

[Gaeta]

 

1) I am a musician and I used to play in a band with an exboyfriend of mine, who I was in a relationship with for 3,5 years. We lived together in different parts of the world and played our music. I am very proud of the music we played, yet I can't show it to my current boyfriend: because he said he doesn't want to hear the music I did with my exboyfriend. This makes me incredibly sad, because I am very proud of the music I made back then. Also, I broke off with this boyfriend 4 years ago - and we are now good friends working on music again, but my current boyfriend just doesn't want to hear any of it. I just don't see where the problem is.

 

2) I was in a verbally & physically abusive relationship a few years back. It was very difficult for me and it actually scarred me deeply on an emotional level. Sometimes I get very insecure in my current relationship, simply because of how I was treated in this relationship. I know this is a new relationship, but everybody who tells me now "This is not the same guy, get over it" mustn't understand what it feels like to get over the emotional damage that was done to a person in such a relationship. So sometimes when I get insecure in my relationship I would like to explain to my boyfriend why that is, but once I tried and the moment I said "I once was in a relationship where..." he shuts me up and says he doesn't want to hear it. I even said "I think this is important" and he said "No, don't want to hear it". I really would like to talk to him about this, because I believe he would understand better why I sometimes act in a certain way, but I can't because he insists every time for me to not keep talking when I start to mention a past relationship.

 

3) All my relationships in the past (I had 3 significant long ones) started with love at first side that was mutual. I have never experienced to just ask someone out out of interest, date them for a few months and then becoming boyfriend and girlfriend and falling in love. This is the first time this is happening to me now with my current boyfriend, and I truly enjoy this new experience. But because I have never done it 'this way' (I know, it's how normal people do it, I guess I am out of the ordinary), I sometimes maybe am a bit too enthusiastic, or a bit weird in my ways of going about the relationship... And I would love to explain to him why, but again, I can't.

 

1. I work with my second-ex-husband and I have for the past 10 years. He owns the company and years ago he offered me the vp position. We took that company and made it an international success. I have tons and tons of stories to tell about my work, I am proud of my accomplishments, I am passionate about it. When I talk about my work I say 'my boss' not my ex and I tell stories that don't implicates him.

 

2. I have been there, done that, in an abusive marriage for 15 years. This is YOUR issues to deal with. You talk about it with a friend or find yourself a therapist. Your boyfriend is not your shrink. If you cannot start a new relationship fresh without dragging along your past issues then you are not ready to re-invest yourself.

 

3. Every relationship has a different start, you don't need to give this new man a visit of your past relationships. And frankly when a man tells me: 'I don't like this because in my past I had a gf that did this and that' it's a turn off. Makes me feel he has not made peace with his past, makes me feel like he's still a prisoner of what happened to him. I don't want to be with someone like that, I want to be with someone who has a fresh look on our relationship and is not full of obstacles due to his past.

[soccerrprp]

OP,

 

Of course your bf is insecure. His response, especially quick and strong, shows he's insecure and perhaps more. But, I agree with most, no guy wants to hear about exes bad or good. But, there are situations where this is unavoidable at times and that is exes that you still have a relationship with b/c of kids, business, etc. In these circumstances, you hope you have a sensible and MORE secure bf or gf.

 

The truth of the matter is that exes are parts of our past and sometimes mentioning them is necessary to make a point. Just do it very sparingly and if necessary at all.

[acrosstheuniverse]

There's a world of difference between 'oh, boyfriend, did I ever tell you about this really funny thing ex did? Oh it was hilarious!' and 'once when I was in Paris, I saw this awesome exhibit' 'who were you with?' 'um, ex'...

 

Also you gotta wonder what's gonna happen if you're around friends/family and the ex comes up. It happens. It's not the most tactful thing to bring up someone's ex when you're with their new partner but it does happen, especially if there have been significant family histories merged, kids, marriage, etc. If I took my new boyfriend to meet my friends and one of them, drunk, made an offhand comment about my ex or something, or we were with my family and someone asked how an ex was doing in this or that in earshot of the new boyfriend, I'd hope they had the maturity level to be able to sit politely and smile instead of make a scene. I only speak from bitter experience of being the one likely to keep it all inside and blow up later but be dying inside from jealousy. I think only time, aging and experience helped me to stop being so psycho-jealous of exes in general. Once you have a few exes and a lot of memories of your own it's much less threatening to be aware of the fact that your partner was with somebody before you.

 

OP, can you wait for this boyfriend to mature? He might not mature around this issue while with you, he might only have grown out of it by the time he has his next relationship (I'm sure if I was still with the serious four year boyfriend I'd probably be stuck in jealousy mode about his ex).

 

I also used to feel like I wanted to know everything about their relationship, their breakup, how he felt now, etc. These days I don't think all of that is necessary to be honest. I'm interested in the skeleton details (how long ago they split, was it mutual) but the rest of the story is their business and should only be shared if they instigate it. I don't think raking over the gory details of your past relationships paints anybody in a good light, I'd rather just start with a fresh slate and move forward with a new partner learning all about who each other are now, and not dragging up details of your past (which only makes you look like you're not over it, anyway).

[isisisweeping]

I have to disagree with most of the other male posters here. Your partner's reaction shows both insecurity and immaturity. Some guys will never grow out of it.

 

It can be perfectly valid to mention an ex in conversation for any number of reasons. If he's not cool with that he should grow a pair. People have a past. If it's just an occasional mention when relevant to some other conversation, that is not a problem.

 

If you were constantly bringing up the ex out of the blue, that would be very different and he'd be justified in feeling a little put out. But that's not the case here.

 

This.

 

I personally love hearing about my partners past life and that includes- gasp- other people. Its not even like you are talking about sex just living life.

 

Why should you pretend funny stories don't exist because a guy is insecure? I've never met a guy so petty for my part. Open communication is awesome!